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Your favorite programming jokes
- Thread starter mrsir2009
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Four Engineers are taking a rental car to a convention. The Engineering manager is driving and the other three, a software, an electrical, and a mechanical engineer are riding in the various seats. They go up to the top of a hill and begin going down, when the manager tries to use the brakes to slow down, they aren't working. Everyone is somewhat paniced but fortunately they were able to roll to a stop. Everyone gets out and kisses the ground etc. The mechanical engineer moves to look at the brakes suspecting an issue with the brake pads, the electrical engineer thinks there might be an issue with the ABS system and pops the hood to look. The Engineering manage just asks, "so what do you think?" The Software engineer just stands with his arms crossed shaking his head in disgust. The manager notices it and asks, "what's wrong?" The software engineer replies, "What are you guys doing?! Let's just get in the car and see if it happens again!"
Slow night... Here's a couple of groaner's
...
Two ints and a float are in a bar. They spot an attractive double on her own.
The first int walks up to her. “Hey, baby”, he says, “my VM or yours”. She slaps him and he walks back dejected.
The second int walks over. “Hey, cute-stuff, can I lick your Bean?”. After a quick slapping, he too walks back.
The float then ambles over casually. “Were those two primitive types bothering you?”, he remarks.
“Yes. I’m so glad you’re here”, she says. “They just had no Class!”
------
A group of computer science majors were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture one of the men leaned over and grabbed a women's
breast.
Woman: "Hey! Thats private OK!?"
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: "But I thought we were in the same class?"
-------
News Report: "A Java programmer in Silicon Valley was detained for questioning yesterday after an anonymous tip that he was using a Hashtable..."
---------
A boolean passes a friend in the hall, and notes he looks quite depressed. The friend vaguely recalls a recent family tragedy and asks, "Hey, is it true your parents died last week in a Garbage Collection accident?" The boolean replies, "Yeah, and now I've got no place to live, either." The friend is shocked, and asks, "But weren't you in their will?" The boolean sighs and says, "Nope, no will, no inheritance..."
------------
A bunch of 17 year olds - ClassCast, IllegalArgument and ArrayOutOfBounds - decide to take their chances, and try to get served at the bar. The Bartender takes one look at them, and asks them for ID. ClassCast hands over his fake ID, IllegalArgument hands over his brother Throwable's ID, but ArrayOutOfBounds doesn't have any fake ID. The Bartender says "Sorry guys, you'll have to leave unless I can see some ID". ClassCast pleads with the barman "can't you just bend the rules for us?" and the barman says "Sorry, no Exceptions".
--------------
A group of 4 Microsoft .NET programmers and a group of 4 Java programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Java programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Java programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Java folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Java folks on the earlier journey. The Java programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Java programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
...
Two ints and a float are in a bar. They spot an attractive double on her own.
The first int walks up to her. “Hey, baby”, he says, “my VM or yours”. She slaps him and he walks back dejected.
The second int walks over. “Hey, cute-stuff, can I lick your Bean?”. After a quick slapping, he too walks back.
The float then ambles over casually. “Were those two primitive types bothering you?”, he remarks.
“Yes. I’m so glad you’re here”, she says. “They just had no Class!”
------
A group of computer science majors were listening to a lecture about Java programming at a university. After the lecture one of the men leaned over and grabbed a women's
breast.
Woman: "Hey! Thats private OK!?"
The man hesitated for a second looking confused.
Man: "But I thought we were in the same class?"
-------
News Report: "A Java programmer in Silicon Valley was detained for questioning yesterday after an anonymous tip that he was using a Hashtable..."
---------
A boolean passes a friend in the hall, and notes he looks quite depressed. The friend vaguely recalls a recent family tragedy and asks, "Hey, is it true your parents died last week in a Garbage Collection accident?" The boolean replies, "Yeah, and now I've got no place to live, either." The friend is shocked, and asks, "But weren't you in their will?" The boolean sighs and says, "Nope, no will, no inheritance..."
------------
A bunch of 17 year olds - ClassCast, IllegalArgument and ArrayOutOfBounds - decide to take their chances, and try to get served at the bar. The Bartender takes one look at them, and asks them for ID. ClassCast hands over his fake ID, IllegalArgument hands over his brother Throwable's ID, but ArrayOutOfBounds doesn't have any fake ID. The Bartender says "Sorry guys, you'll have to leave unless I can see some ID". ClassCast pleads with the barman "can't you just bend the rules for us?" and the barman says "Sorry, no Exceptions".
--------------
A group of 4 Microsoft .NET programmers and a group of 4 Java programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Java programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Java programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Java folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Java folks on the earlier journey. The Java programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Java programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
I told you it's a slow night!
...
A man goes into a pet store and tells the clerk "I'd like to buy a C monkey, please." The clerk whistles, and a monkey jumps onto the counter with a $100 price tag hanging around his neck.
"This is your average C monkey." the clerk says. "He writes very short, fast code."
The man thinks, looks around, and says "What about that monkey over there? How come he's got a $200 price tag?"
"Well," says the clerk, "That monkey can program in C, C++, and Python."
"Oh," says the man, "Maybe I should get that one in stead."
Then the man spots yet another monkey and exclaims "Wow! That monkey is $1000! What does he do?" To which the clerk replies "Well, I haven't seen him do anything yet, but he says he's a consultant."
----------
How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
----------
A computer programmer is sitting under a tree when another programmer pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first programmer asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The programmer on the bike replies, “While I was walking outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first programmer responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
-------------
Evolution of a Programmer
...
A man goes into a pet store and tells the clerk "I'd like to buy a C monkey, please." The clerk whistles, and a monkey jumps onto the counter with a $100 price tag hanging around his neck.
"This is your average C monkey." the clerk says. "He writes very short, fast code."
The man thinks, looks around, and says "What about that monkey over there? How come he's got a $200 price tag?"
"Well," says the clerk, "That monkey can program in C, C++, and Python."
"Oh," says the man, "Maybe I should get that one in stead."
Then the man spots yet another monkey and exclaims "Wow! That monkey is $1000! What does he do?" To which the clerk replies "Well, I haven't seen him do anything yet, but he says he's a consultant."
----------
How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
When he’s washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.
----------
A computer programmer is sitting under a tree when another programmer pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first programmer asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The programmer on the bike replies, “While I was walking outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first programmer responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
-------------
Evolution of a Programmer
Code:
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.
Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))
New professional
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}
Seasoned professional
#include
#include
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};
ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}
Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
Experienced Hacker
#include
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.
^D
New Manager
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END
Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D
Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logoutLast Set, I promise!
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, So whatll it be?
The first string says, I think Ill have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu
Please excuse my friend, the second string says, He isnt null-terminated.
----------------
I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag
---------------
I'm not bald, I just have "margin-top: 200px;
---------------
All my girlfriends names have ended in jpg
----------------
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, So whatll it be?
The first string says, I think Ill have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu
Please excuse my friend, the second string says, He isnt null-terminated.
----------------
I just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag
---------------
I'm not bald, I just have "margin-top: 200px;
---------------
All my girlfriends names have ended in jpg
----------------
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
There's a long history of programming-related lightbulb jokes. One of my favorites:
Q. How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. False.
