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21 and never had a girlfriend. What am I doing wrong?

H

Hold

macrumors regular
Original poster
May 19, 2010
111
0
Well I should start with a bit of background. I'm 21 year old guy, look quite good, work out a lot, have great friends and a good job. However I have never been in a realationship or even a date.
During school I didn't really feel like I wanted to have a girlfriend so didnt really do anything about it. In the past two years things have changed. I really want someone. I'm not looking for a ****** buddy. I want a realationship with someone I can care for and that will care for me. Over the past two years, I had 3 oppertutines that I gunned down because the girls in question were far from my type.
One of the main problems is that I'm not in the party scene. It seems most of my friends met their girlfriends at parties. Also I don't use Facebook.
I do many activities and go out to restaurants, movies and sports with friends at every opportunity but I didn't meet anyone.
At my current job there is a girl I am crazy over. She is exactly my type. No, in fact she is even better than that. We share an office at work. We arrived at the same time, about a year ago. I instantly fell for her. She was single at the time and she likes me (both then and now). Unfortunatly I didn't make a move and 3 months later she met someone and has been with him in a good realationship since. About 8 months. In 5 weeks time my contract is up and I will be moving to a different company. I now she likes me. I really don't know if I should say something . I fear that over time we won't keep in touch and this might be my last chance. Should I tell her something or keep my feelings for myself and try to find someonelse? She is absolute perfection. I would do anything for her.
I honestly think I shouldn't say anything. She seems to be happy and it would probably get awkward. There are many smart people on this site and I would enjoy reading your opinions.
If you think it is best to leave her alone, what can and should I do to try and meet a quality girl?
Despite never having a girlfriend, sex is the last thig I'm looking for. All I want is someone I can love and a proper realationship.
Thanks in advance to everyone who read my post and took the time to comment.
 
If she is dating someone else you lost; don't tell her your feelings.
 
The biggest thing you've done wrong,
is ask for relationship advice in an anonymous Apple geek forum.

Other than that, I think your standards are too high and you've set them that way to justify not having need of a girlfriend.. but now lonliness is beckoning and you've practised absolutely none at all concerning courting a girl you fancy.

Better get started!;)

edit: fwiw, I have a friend since childhood who did not date or play sex games into adulthood. Everyone, even his own parents were questioning his sexual preference because he was so aloof concerning women and intimate relationships. He finally did meet a special woman, she a virgin as well.. and they married. Four kids later they are still happy and going strong. So don't worry too much. It'll all work out.
 
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You want my advice ?

Get laid. Then look for a relationship.

Otherwise with your lack of any semblance of not even a date puts you in a spot where you will fall in love with any girl that smiles at you.


Dumb question.

Have you ever kissed a girl ?
 
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Dude, I was in exactly your mindset at around the same age (this was some 16 years ago now). I wanted that special someone to love, and my previous dating life was non-existent. I also wasn't into partying. I had several girls over the years I thought were perfect and that I could never find anyone better.

Now, I wish I could go back and kick my own ass. I passed up so many good opportunities trying to find true love and chasing after girls I had no chance of getting with. I realize nowadays that I never really wanted that love, I just thought I did. Once I finally did get my first girlfriend, I wanted nothing more than to be out single again...because then I learned how much I actually did like to "play". Now, almost every single one of those girls I thought were "the one" makes me cringe at the thought for one reason or another.

Stange the way things work out sometimes. When I wanted love, the casual sex opportunities abounded and I said no. When I decided I wanted casual sex, I turned out to be in a committed relationship.

Oh...and I did tell that girl that I thought was perfect and who liked me (but she had a boyfriend) about my feelings. You know what she did? Ignored my entire spiel completely and acted as if it never happened. I found out later from her sister that I had no chance with her because I was "too nice" and she was only into guys who she needed to "fix".
 
samiwas said:
Dude, I was in exactly your mindset at around the same age (this was some 16 years ago now). I wanted that special someone to love, and my previous dating life was non-existent. I also wasn't into partying. I had several girls over the years I thought were perfect and that I could never find anyone better.

Now, I wish I could go back and kick my own ass. I passed up so many good opportunities trying to find true love and chasing after girls I had no chance of getting with. I realize nowadays that I never really wanted that love, I just thought I did. Once I finally did get my first girlfriend, I wanted nothing more than to be out single again...because then I learned how much I actually did like to "play". Now, almost every single one of those girls I thought were "the one" makes me cringe at the thought for one reason or another.

Stange the way things work out sometimes. When I wanted love, the casual sex opportunities abounded and I said no. When I decided I wanted casual sex, I turned out to be in a committed relationship.

Oh...and I did tell that girl that I thought was perfect and who liked me (but she had a boyfriend) about my feelings. You know what she did? Ignored my entire spiel completely and acted as if it never happened. I found out later from her sister that I had no chance with her because I was "too nice" and she was only into guys who she needed to "fix".
Click to expand...
While I am 17 and I don't necessarily have the relationship experience you have guys I will say I ran into something similar I really thought that I wanted a girlfriend but the truth is that most girls I knew weren't interested in me and I wasn't really interested in them.
 
If the 103 replies that were made to your 'How to go from Girl-friend to Girlfriend' or the 111 replies go got to your 'Advice about a girl' is your third thread going to help you any further?

KGB:rolleyes:
 
Make lots of girlfriends, lots of them. Learn how to interact with girls and you'll soon understand what they like, with whom they'll like spending time, and what's cool about having a female friend.
If you want to have a girlfriend, never try to be friends, I don't think relationships mutate. If you like the girl always show interest in her as a girlfriend.

best of luck!

PROTIP: don't tell your feelings to anybody who is in a relationship. It's not honest.
 
If you're seeking "true love", then it's unlikely that you will find it in a party. What you may find is one-night things or other very short "relationships". Alcohol tends to mix things up a lot. Even if you think you found the right one, the girl might have changed his mind overnight (been there, done that). When you're drunk, you may end up sleeping with someone you normally wouldn't even touch with a long stick. When you wake up, you realize what you have done and regret it. None of my friends have found their girlfriends at a party. Sure, they have been into same parties but the first moment was somewhere else.

Girls come and go. The worst thing possible is to get too fussed about one girl, especially if she is taken. That's when you will miss opportunities because you don't want to mess with other girls as your mind is in a relationship with your dream girl. You must get over that. The world is full of girls. I had the same problem but soon you will realize that your dream girl isn't all that special. You can still like her but don't make it an obsession.

You had your chances but you missed them. But life goes on. You will only get your ass kicked if you mess with taken girls. If the girl made the move, it would be a different story.
 
Peace said:
Get laid. Then look for a relationship.

Otherwise with you lack of any semblance of not even a date puts you in a spot where you will fall in love with any girl that smiles at you.
Click to expand...

Spot on advice.

Crude, but effective.

As to whether you should tell your work colleague about your feelings? No. Mixing work and love make for very awkward situations; Secondly, since she is already involved, why would you even think of stepping in?
You are not a knight in shining armour.
None of us are.
 
Lower your standards. Go two levels lower than your rating. So if you're a 8, go for 6's.
 
Hold said:
Over the past two years, I had 3 oppertutines that I gunned down because the girls in question were far from my type.

If you think it is best to leave her alone, what can and should I do to try and meet a quality girl?
Click to expand...

There is your problem, fear of rejection. Don't be, if one rejects you, go for another one.

You don't have to leave her alone, you can keep in touch, but don't stay focused on her hoping and waiting for that one day she breaks up with her bf.

Go out on dates, even with female friends. If you have a hard time finding dates, go online.
 
I'm not making fun of this but you need to get laid. Why?
Because you seem to lack confidence and girls sense that from miles distance.
Don't ask me how but sex gives you confidence and girls are crazy about it.

Also important is to have respect for yourself and like the person who you are.

You might also have better luck with older women (in their late 20s or 30s) that are mature. Young girls have a false sense of "royalty" implanted by the commercial society we live in where status is THE only currency accepted.

Later you'll look back and make fun of this and figure out the game.
 
Hold said:
Well I should start with a bit of background. I'm 21 year old guy, look quite good, work out a lot, have great friends and a good job. However I have never been in a realationship or even a date.
During school I didn't really feel like I wanted to have a girlfriend so didnt really do anything about it. In the past two years things have changed. I really want someone. I'm not looking for a ****** buddy. I want a realationship with someone I can care for and that will care for me. Over the past two years, I had 3 oppertutines that I gunned down because the girls in question were far from my type.
One of the main problems is that I'm not in the party scene. It seems most of my friends met their girlfriends at parties. Also I don't use Facebook.
I do many activities and go out to restaurants, movies and sports with friends at every opportunity but I didn't meet anyone.
At my current job there is a girl I am crazy over. She is exactly my type. No, in fact she is even better than that. We share an office at work. We arrived at the same time, about a year ago. I instantly fell for her. She was single at the time and she likes me (both then and now). Unfortunatly I didn't make a move and 3 months later she met someone and has been with him in a good realationship since. About 8 months. In 5 weeks time my contract is up and I will be moving to a different company. I now she likes me. I really don't know if I should say something . I fear that over time we won't keep in touch and this might be my last chance. Should I tell her something or keep my feelings for myself and try to find someonelse? She is absolute perfection. I would do anything for her.
I honestly think I shouldn't say anything. She seems to be happy and it would probably get awkward. There are many smart people on this site and I would enjoy reading your opinions.
If you think it is best to leave her alone, what can and should I do to try and meet a quality girl?
Despite never having a girlfriend, sex is the last thig I'm looking for. All I want is someone I can love and a proper realationship.
Thanks in advance to everyone who read my post and took the time to comment.
Click to expand...

You've made many claims here about yourself. Post a pic. You can brag easily on line. Man up.

Peace said:
You want my advice ?

Get laid. Then look for a relationship.

Otherwise with you lack of any semblance of not even a date puts you in a spot where you will fall in love with any girl that smiles at you.


Dumb question.

Have you ever kissed a girl ?
Click to expand...

Yep= all of the above. I'd like to know if he's kissed a girl too. I doubt it.
 
praetorx said:
I'm not making fun of this but you need to get laid. Why?
Because you seem to lack confidence and girls sense that from miles distance.
Don't ask me how but sex gives you confidence and girls are crazy about it.

Also important is to have respect for yourself and like the person who you are.

You might also have better luck with older women (in their late 20s or 30s) that are mature. Young girls have a false sense of "royalty" implanted by the commercial society we live in where status is THE only currency accepted.

Later you'll look back and make fun of this and figure out the game.
Click to expand...

While I've never been a big fan of "the game" perspective to dating and getting laid, I want to highlight one really important point here. Confidence. I'm not talking about being a cocky douchebag, but desperation and insecurity are not attractive in anyone. Get laid a few times, and then you'll suddenly realize that there are actually people that want to be with you. Your confidence will grow, and since you won't be freaking out all the time you can focus on being yourself. You'll be surprised how easy relationships can form (platonic and non-platonic alike).
 
Hellhammer said:
Girls come and go. The worst thing possible is to get too fussed about one girl, especially if she is taken. That's when you will miss opportunities because you don't want to mess with other girls as your mind is in a relationship with your dream girl. You must get over that. The world is full of girls. I had the same problem but soon you will realize that your dream girl isn't all that special. You can still like her but don't make it an obsession.
Click to expand...
I learned that from experience, two times in a row.:eek: And I'm pretty sure it'll happen again, even though I am conscious doing that is a real bad idea.
 
FWIW, I met a girl at the start of college, over two years ago. She liked me but I didn't notice at the time, and she then got a boyfriend just after christmas. However she became my best friend. She was then with him for over a year, before I realised that I liked her. A whole lot more than I expected. I told her my feelings in February of this year, because I thought she should at least know how I felt even if it didn't lead to anything. In June, she ended things with her boyfriend to be with me. We're still together now and I couldn't be happier.

I haven't read most of the posts in this thread but I recommend you take the chance, just like I did. Best decision of my life so far.

Edit. Just realised I put 'Feburary of this year,'. Forgot it's 2012! :)
 
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^^ I agree. You never get anything in life if you don't ask for it. OP, If you're about to be transferred or start at a new place you have nothing to lose.

My advice is be patient. Don't have sex just to have sex, and give up your virginity just to get it out of the way. There's absolutely nothing shameful about waiting. If you feel you have to, whatever - but make it your own choice, not just because someone told you to on an internet forum; don't forget, we might be smart, but we're a broad range of people with different values than you. Don't compromise how you feel just because we say to.

Volunteer at community events, at the animal shelter, or an old folks home. You'd be surprised how well connected people can be.

In my experience clubs aren't the place to find good, long-term relationship people. If you live in a city, take up jogging in the park. Try all different times. Take a wine tasting class. Art class. Something where a woman with a similar interest might be.

...frequent the Apple store. There's any number of girls in there that run the gamut of the cute/hot/geeky scale, and nearly always a safe coffee shop nearby for a quick chat. :D
 
andalusia said:
FWIW, I met a girl at the start of college, over two years ago. She liked me but I didn't notice at the time, and she then got a boyfriend just after christmas. However she became my best friend. She was then with him for over a year, before I realised that I liked her. A whole lot more than I expected. I told her my feelings in February of this year, because I thought she should at least know how I felt even if it didn't lead to anything. In June, she ended things with her boyfriend to be with me. We're still together now and I couldn't be happier.

I haven't read most of the posts in this thread but I recommend you take the chance, just like I did. Best decision of my life so far.
Click to expand...

Very interesting post. I have no idea what I should do about her. On the one hand all I want for her is to be happy. And she likes her boyfriend although her parents don't seem to like him all that much. And in my opinion he dosen't appreciate her enough. I know this girl likes me, her friends like me and her sister likes me. But how will it at out? I confess my love and she breaks up with her boyfriend for me? I don't think so. On ther other hand she really is on of a kind. If my perfect type of girl ranked at 10 out of a scale of 10. The. She is 12. She exceeds everything I look for in a girl. Everything. I know her for a year and have yet to see a single thing I don't like about her.
 
Hold said:
Very interesting post. I have no idea what I should do about her. On the one hand all I want for her is to be happy. And she likes her boyfriend although her parents don't seem to like him all that much. And in my opinion he dosen't appreciate her enough. I know this girl likes me, her friends like me and her sister likes me. But how will it at out? I confess my love and she breaks up with her boyfriend for me? I don't think so. On ther other hand she really is on of a kind. If my perfect type of girl ranked at 10 out of a scale of 10. The. She is 12. She exceeds everything I look for in a girl. Everything. I know her for a year and have yet to see a single thing I don't like about her.
Click to expand...

Have you checked her teeth?

Date the sister, until she become available.

:rolleyes:
 
Hold said:
If my perfect type of girl ranked at 10 out of a scale of 10. The. She is 12. She exceeds everything I look for in a girl. Everything. I know her for a year and have yet to see a single thing I don't like about her.
Click to expand...

Wait until you have shared a bed and bathroom with her after an evening out at your local Mexican restaurant…

Believe me, no one is perfect. ;)

Good luck.
 
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