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Am I Being a Dick?
- Thread starter puma1552
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OMG, you sound like a whiny liberal!!
Curse your eyes.
More like calling his bluff, on actually being in love with this poor girl.
He could solve all of his problems and fall in love with a rich girl. Aren't there any Japanese Paris Hiltons over there?
Aren't there any Japanese Paris Hiltons over there?
There are not many Girls as Wealthy as Paris ... anywhere
we are talking the Hilton Hotel Empire.
I don't think you should get married to her. YOU are too hung up on money. Sure money is important, but so is love and sharing and her coming to America, growing up and discovering who she is and what she really wants to do.
I got married in 1977. My wife is from another country (we are still married). It took some time but she ended up going back to college and becoming a Pharmacist. It was her decision. I paid... I never complained when she stayed at home while I went to work as an electronics technician (later as an electrical engineer) for the starting sum (1977) of $4.77 an hour. I just never though of the money. I felt things would work themselves out and we'd end up alright... which we did. It wasn't always easy.
I would support her and let her try a hotel job out (without going to school for it) first. She might find she doesn't like it and will eventually go back to school and train for something that will be more challenging for her.
I got married in 1977. My wife is from another country (we are still married). It took some time but she ended up going back to college and becoming a Pharmacist. It was her decision. I paid... I never complained when she stayed at home while I went to work as an electronics technician (later as an electrical engineer) for the starting sum (1977) of $4.77 an hour. I just never though of the money. I felt things would work themselves out and we'd end up alright... which we did. It wasn't always easy.
I would support her and let her try a hotel job out (without going to school for it) first. She might find she doesn't like it and will eventually go back to school and train for something that will be more challenging for her.
There are not many Girls as Wealthy as Paris ... anywhere
we are talking the Hilton Hotel Empire.
OK OK, then can he find a girl at least one quarter as rich as Paris Hilton in Japan?
I am sure someone like that exists. He should pour through the phone books and look for women with the last name Honda, Suzuki, or Mistubishi, eh?
But seriously:
The best thing for someone who is "hung up on money" as one person called it, is to either make that much or get married to someone with that much, only to find money does not buy happiness. Some of the people I respect the most are ones who learn from their mistakes, and some of the wisest people I know made the mistake of chasing money only to find it does not buy happiness, but then spend time to tell younger people their story.
While there will be a lot of us giving what should be obvious advice to the OP, he may have to chase the money, or lose the love of his life, in order to learn that while money may not be evil, the love of it is.
I don't see anywhere where the OP is saying he loves money outright, but the intent seems pretty obvious from all of his posts here. If the OP were my son, (and he seems to be of that same age, or younger), I would tell him to straighten up his morals and grow a conscience. But many people, even smart people (not necessarily wise), take up too much time loving money and the pursuit thereof.
It's one of the most universal truths in the world that the love of money is the root of all evil and I hope he doesn't step on the landmine we all see him headed towards.
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OK OK, then can he find a girl at least one quarter as rich as Paris Hilton in Japan?
I am sure someone like that exists. He should pour through the phone books and look for women with the last name Honda, Suzuki, or Mistubishi, eh?
you're good
Yes, that's why arn pays him the big bucks.
..then where is my check?
...I hope I make closer to $30K than that poverty level of $20K.
..then where is my check?
Sorry, if you can't spell cheque properly, you are automatically exempt.
Good Luck!
I have been married to a Japanese girl for 7 years. She was raised in LA, but under the traditions of the Japanese - her parents were both raised in Japan. You probably already know this, but you will not win this one. They are as stubborn as a bull.
Best bet is to just bring her here and let her meet other Japanese in the area and maybe they'll help acclimate her to the US. They might even have a connection to get her set up with a job.
Don't be a dick. If you want a chick who's going to make the bucks, start with one who's already got a great paying job.
I have been married to a Japanese girl for 7 years. She was raised in LA, but under the traditions of the Japanese - her parents were both raised in Japan. You probably already know this, but you will not win this one. They are as stubborn as a bull.
Best bet is to just bring her here and let her meet other Japanese in the area and maybe they'll help acclimate her to the US. They might even have a connection to get her set up with a job.
Don't be a dick. If you want a chick who's going to make the bucks, start with one who's already got a great paying job.
Sorry, if you can't spell cheque properly, you are automatically exempt.
Cheque, got it.
Ugh. Seeking wages above the poverty line is not getting "hung up on money". That's like an incompetent person saying that people who judge them are perfectionists. There's a healthy middle zone of attachment to money, and it's above the poverty line.
Is love of affording food and shelter, and opportunities for your children, and a retirement safe from eating dog food evil?
You would be doing your child a disservice. But that's your business.
The reality is that:
- Sometimes people divorce
- On average, men have a lesser life expectancy than women
- People can become unemployed, sometimes due to a long-term disability
Having a substandard career is a vulnerability. And no one is best served by being vulnerable. People are only as independent as they can afford to be.
I see your points and respect your point of view, but it's not close to what the OP is saying throughout this thread.
He is, in a way, being a dick and too attached to money.
You put forth a rational argument where nobody would jump all over you. But the OP sounds very petty and materialistic. Perhaps he thinks in a rational way like you, but he certainly does not come across that way to the majority of us (men and women, young and old, and citizens of many countries). The OP clearly paints himself as a jerk.
I should probably clarify, I'm American, spent 24 years in the Twin Cities.
Thank you so much. It's good to see someone who's been down this path. I'm a member of the Japan America Society so I thuoght she could certainly join that right away and start networking; god knows she's going to need Japanese friends ASAP to bitch about Americans with and reminisce about home, much like we foreigners in Japan need our foreign community to do the same when culture fatigue rears it's ugly head. We've already talked about this, so this is a priority--getting her some Japanese friends. I spent three years volunteering at a Japanese garden in St. Paul, she could probably do the same to get her feet wet interacting with people, it's pretty easy and low stress, and we had Japanese people come in time to time. She also has been researching blogs of Japanese in MN, which is good. I'm not sure, but I believe there is a Japanese school in Minnesota.
You're right I'm worried about things--I'm damn worried about things, and I don't think it's wrong to put these ugly issues and concerns out on the table beforehand.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm just trying to minimize the amount of debt we start with; it's just not a good value proposition to me to start out by us having to shoulder student loans for something she may hate.
And that's all it really boils down to; I'm sure there's something she would like that pays the bills and is enjoyable. She mentioned interest and desire to do the event planner in the past, including just last week...so I'm a bit miffed why this week she has all of a sudden chosen against that, especially given it's the same program at school.
Because I've been here for three years, out of school for three years not using my ChemE or chemistry degrees. As far as I see it, these degrees have a shelf life where if you don't use them, after X years it will be impossible to get hired. 3 years is probably right at that limit. If I want a chance to use these degrees, I need to do so now. That and I'm just ready to move on and buy a house etc. Aside from the fact I just don't like the work culture here and the 16+ hour days six days a week for pittance pay (seen mechanical engineering ads for $24k a year...), my language isn't there yet anyway. I'm at about level 2 proficiency (1 is the hardest of the 5 levels), which is borderline, but most companies want level 1 or better. Basically, my language is pretty decent but it's just not there yet, but that's besides the point--I'm ready to go home, now is the time. My employment is stable, and pays decent here, but it's not what I want to be doing, and it's dead end and my brain is rotting in my head--I need more mental stimulation. Time to go home.
Like I said, I'd have no problems footing the bills for everything if she was going to school for a $100k+ pharmacy job either. I like your idea on getting her feet wet in the hotel job without going to school--I think that may be best. Thanks.
Thanks, I'm hoping I can get something like that for her through the Japan America Society.
Well, you should have said all this in your first post. Sorry for calling you a small dick or materialistic.
It sounds like you care very much about your girlfriend and from the most recent post it sounds like you are willing to let her find her way.
You haven't been here since the big recession, which is pretty much a depression in many parts, so don't expect too much when you get here. The America you left behind is far different than the one you left. Words and phrases three years ago like flipping houses and bling just don't exist in the American vocabulary anymore.
Anyway, good luck. My dad is American and has a Japanese wife and the transition was hard, so be patient.
On some level she probably wants to insure that the person she's planning on moving to America to marry will support both her career decisions as well as her ability to make career decisions.
Additionally in general I just have a lot of concerns about the whole situation, regardless of her job or whatever. I've got friends I graduated with three years ago who have 1.5 years of relevant experience who've been laid off and unemployed for a year or more. Several people I know are in this boat from my program. AFAIK they've got a leg up on me for getting a job having experience; true I have international experience and blah blah, but at best that puts me on a level playing field with them for opportunity. At worst, I'm worse off. The economy is terrible. Not a good time to be looking for a job.
The other thing, is that even if I can get a job, where will it be? Ideally Minneapolis, but there aren't a ton of chemE jobs there; most chemE jobs are in very undesirable locations, or in the south along the gulf coast in the ass end of places like Louisiana or rural Texas. I've done the living in a rural area thing or the living in an area you don't like and I never realized how massive a factor location is. If you don't like where you live, it's pretty much agony. I did it for two years, and vowed never to do it again if at all possible. My sights are set high on Minneapolis, but it's a slim chance. I know far more people along the gulf coast in rural plant/refinery areas, or in the armpit of the Midwest like Nebraska/North-South Dakota who are in the absolute middle of nowhere. Her and I have talked about this--neither of us want this at all--but I don't have a choice--I have to go where the jobs are. She realizes this, and she may end up extremely unhappy in these areas...having been there done that, I know I will if it happens. So there's anxiety about where I'll be and if it will be suitable for us. She understands I don't get to choose per se, and she understands I have to go where I get an offer, especially given the disadvantages of having been out of school for three years, and how bad the economy is. I don't even have an internship, because my mom was terminal and I couldn't make a commitment for a summer to a company I knew I couldn't keep. This isn't a good situation.
So I'm basically coming home with no job lined up, no real plan other than to throw resumes out there and hope for something, and have no idea where I will be if I can even land something. Naturally it doesn't make a lot of sense to throw someone else into that situation along with me, with 0 income between both people. For all I know I'll be living in my dad's basement indefinitely until further notice. Not really an ideal way to start.
The whole marriage thing just seems forced. We are forced on a timeline (I told her from the beginning I'd be here three years, I've stuck to that, and she's known that I'm planning on going home in September and that's A-OK) due to visas and everything, and I just don't like the feeling that comes with it. I always told myself I'd be well set before I even thought of adding someone to my life. Sure life doesn't always work that way, but I certainly thought I'd at least have my career somewhat established and have a house and more money in the bank before I made that step; I think that in theory is a prudent plan for anyone to have. I'm very shaky about not sticking hard to it...but I don't have a choice here if I want to marry her, because I've got international things to deal with here and the time is ticking on my career too. I can't dick off here forever, and as long as I'm here I'll never get to that goal of establishing myself. Having second thoughts about the entire thing. It just seems too forced. It's a real damn shame America doesn't have working holiday visas like a lot of other countries, where she could take two weeks and apply for a working holiday visa and come over for a year and work part time and see how she likes it; don't really get that option of letting her sample the work culture and everything until we are legally entwined, and that doesn't sit well with me. She may hate it after 2-3 years and want to go home.
These may seem like they shouldn't matter if I'm in love, but they do. This is the reality of the situation, and these are very realistic possibilities and concerns that need to be addressed beforehand. I'm trying to approach this with a logical and pragmatic viewpoint of the realities, without being blinded by love. This is not an easy situation for anyone, and that's just an unfortunate truth. I don't have parents around to help me out like most people I know. If I come home and am unemployed for a year and have to support both of us on our savings, then what when it runs out? Unfortunately this isn't Australia where I could finish a job overseas completely unrelated to anything having remotely anything to do with Australia or Australian companies and then go home and collect unemployment (my friend left the same job in July, went home to Aus and has been collecting unemployment from the beginning, and will continue to until February...lucky). I'm going home to unemployment and zero source of income and pretty piss poor prospects. I'm worried, I'm damn worried. You bet.
The other thing, is that even if I can get a job, where will it be? Ideally Minneapolis, but there aren't a ton of chemE jobs there; most chemE jobs are in very undesirable locations, or in the south along the gulf coast in the ass end of places like Louisiana or rural Texas. I've done the living in a rural area thing or the living in an area you don't like and I never realized how massive a factor location is. If you don't like where you live, it's pretty much agony. I did it for two years, and vowed never to do it again if at all possible. My sights are set high on Minneapolis, but it's a slim chance. I know far more people along the gulf coast in rural plant/refinery areas, or in the armpit of the Midwest like Nebraska/North-South Dakota who are in the absolute middle of nowhere. Her and I have talked about this--neither of us want this at all--but I don't have a choice--I have to go where the jobs are. She realizes this, and she may end up extremely unhappy in these areas...having been there done that, I know I will if it happens. So there's anxiety about where I'll be and if it will be suitable for us. She understands I don't get to choose per se, and she understands I have to go where I get an offer, especially given the disadvantages of having been out of school for three years, and how bad the economy is. I don't even have an internship, because my mom was terminal and I couldn't make a commitment for a summer to a company I knew I couldn't keep. This isn't a good situation.
So I'm basically coming home with no job lined up, no real plan other than to throw resumes out there and hope for something, and have no idea where I will be if I can even land something. Naturally it doesn't make a lot of sense to throw someone else into that situation along with me, with 0 income between both people. For all I know I'll be living in my dad's basement indefinitely until further notice. Not really an ideal way to start.
The whole marriage thing just seems forced. We are forced on a timeline (I told her from the beginning I'd be here three years, I've stuck to that, and she's known that I'm planning on going home in September and that's A-OK) due to visas and everything, and I just don't like the feeling that comes with it. I always told myself I'd be well set before I even thought of adding someone to my life. Sure life doesn't always work that way, but I certainly thought I'd at least have my career somewhat established and have a house and more money in the bank before I made that step; I think that in theory is a prudent plan for anyone to have. I'm very shaky about not sticking hard to it...but I don't have a choice here if I want to marry her, because I've got international things to deal with here and the time is ticking on my career too. I can't dick off here forever, and as long as I'm here I'll never get to that goal of establishing myself. Having second thoughts about the entire thing. It just seems too forced. It's a real damn shame America doesn't have working holiday visas like a lot of other countries, where she could take two weeks and apply for a working holiday visa and come over for a year and work part time and see how she likes it; don't really get that option of letting her sample the work culture and everything until we are legally entwined, and that doesn't sit well with me. She may hate it after 2-3 years and want to go home.
These may seem like they shouldn't matter if I'm in love, but they do. This is the reality of the situation, and these are very realistic possibilities and concerns that need to be addressed beforehand. I'm trying to approach this with a logical and pragmatic viewpoint of the realities, without being blinded by love. This is not an easy situation for anyone, and that's just an unfortunate truth. I don't have parents around to help me out like most people I know. If I come home and am unemployed for a year and have to support both of us on our savings, then what when it runs out? Unfortunately this isn't Australia where I could finish a job overseas completely unrelated to anything having remotely anything to do with Australia or Australian companies and then go home and collect unemployment (my friend left the same job in July, went home to Aus and has been collecting unemployment from the beginning, and will continue to until February...lucky). I'm going home to unemployment and zero source of income and pretty piss poor prospects. I'm worried, I'm damn worried. You bet.
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OK ... here is my real advice. If you Love this Girl ... Let her decide what she wants to do then support her 100%. Take things one day at a time and strive to be the best that you can be. Life is a struggle sometimes but if you both work at this together your relationship will be stronger for it.
She sounds like a nice girl and you should show her that you are there to help.
If things do not go as smooth as you want ... Do not blame her, tell her, that together you will find a way through things.
Take these simple steps and she will Love you forever.
Good Luck ... I wish you both well.
She sounds like a nice girl and you should show her that you are there to help.
If things do not go as smooth as you want ... Do not blame her, tell her, that together you will find a way through things.
Take these simple steps and she will Love you forever.
Good Luck ... I wish you both well.
Wow, this is 100% spot on advice. Funny how me and my g/f are in a VERY similar position to the OP. All I would really add is that if you truly love this chic then what she does for a living or how much she brings home is trivial. Yes life would be much easier if you both made six figures but given the circumstances you have the fortunate scenario of having someone you care about and a pretty decent gig yourself.
IMO you're in a win/win scenario...either way good luck to you both.
If you really want to see if you two are right for each other, you need to test her. Get her to take a pregnancy test, rig the results, tell her she's pregnant and see what she wants to do. Her answer will tell you everything.