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Anger Management issues and me..social problems

dontwalkhand

dontwalkhand

macrumors 604
Original poster
Jul 5, 2007
6,578
3,251
Phoenix, AZ
I have a high functioning autism, so I am considered to be "retarded." I take offense greatly to anyone who misuses the word...I have tried very hard to not gain such a high temper over it, but I have had meltdowns recently.

It really bugs me when full grown adults, use words like "retarded" I call these types of words "sewage terms."

I do not get it at all, my best friend said "I was being retarded"..I knew enough to put my MacBook down, carefully, as to not damage it, but I damaged everything around it, walls, doors, broke a window, and everything in the room turned into a Hurricane Katrina site...except for the MacBook..and people. I knew also to not hurt any people...only inanimate objects...during the period of this meltdown.

My doctor says meltdowns like this are common for someone with my type of autism. What I do not get is, how did I get enough control to know not to damage the MacBook, or hit any humans? Why is it that I can control my anger to be careful with those, but not with the rest of the stuff around me? I had not realized what I have done until the action was already done.

Something I have to mention, I am usually able to let it pass when other people say the word retarded, but when it came from my best friend, I just went into total meltdown mode. It is as if having it come from a person I cared about, just triggered something in me, while only retaining a little bit of self control to know not to hurt any humans..or the MacBook.

Also, to add, I do hold anger in, because I do not ever want to have a meltdown in public, this has happened once in the parking lot of a target, and I got to spend some time "on the other side of the law" and forced restitution for the damaged plants I have destroyed.

Just asking for some advice is all, I have seen doctors and stuff a'plenty, and it seems they have done all they can do, unless a mental institution really has to be my next stop.

I have never ever ever once had touched a person during any meltdown I have had in the past, and I do not own or plan to own any guns. I have been picked on & beaten up a lot throughout gradeschool however. I was the "uncool" kid, and have not attended any school dance or prom.
 
Wow, your really stuck in a tough situation here. . . You seem to be, as you stated, very high functioning, and as someone who works with psych patients regularily (though I am not a Doctor by any means) I don't know how much an in-treatment program would really be able to help you. Its essentially the same treatment you'd be receiving via outpatient, but you'd be living in the hospital and more closely monitored, something that you probably don't require seeing as how your perfectly "normal" 99% of the time. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? With some people anger management becomes easier with time (the difference between 16 and 25 can be quite vast).

Perhaps you should try letting some of your anger out. . . holding it in has a tendancy to make individuals without any kind of psychological issues melt down eventually. Since you seem to be able to release this anger by destroying inanimate objects perhaps you should try releasing regularlyon a pillow or a punching bag? Sign up for a gym membership and start training in Muy Thai or some other form of combative?
 
I am 20 years old, and I am in college. I do not even realize the damage I have done, until after it has finished, and I basically tired out myself. A lot of the times I regret it, but I feel as if something has taken over me during the period of a meltdown.

Broken windows cost a lot of $$ to replace as well, it is not like I want to break the window, but I guess it was an "easy target."
 
Maybe you know not to hurt the MacBook because it helps you,
you love the MacBook because u know it doesn't judge you and it helps you
either communicate with others or even because it just makes you happy using it.

I too have some anger management issues, but its easily calmed down by heading to the gym, working out, or no matter the weather a cold shower (calms your nerves)

maybe u should try talking to your friend about how u feel with the usage of that word. hes your bestfriend and he should totally understand...
 
A punching bag might prove helpful.

But what i would try to do is explain to your friends that that word is very hurtful and you would be very grateful if they could try to refrain from using it. Obviously you probably can't get strangers to do this. That is completely up to them.

I would say age plays a large roll in this. I'm guessing your 15-17 years old. That word is like saying 'cool' or 'you're gay' to that age group. I'm 22 and when i was in high school it was one of the most commonly spoken words while walking thru the hallways.

It will get better in time. I used to have anger problems during grade school, 5-8th grade. I was made fun of a lot for a accident i had during my 4th grade year. Very humiliating accident. But it hasn't affect me as i am the father to a 6 month old girl. Eventually, after many trips to the principal's office, many detentions, suspensions, and stern talks from my parents i started to learn how to deal with these people. And like i said with age this will come easier to you.

You might talk with your doctor and explain how much anger you have built up. He or she might have an idea on how you could release this anger effectively, and safely. Your not going to shake up a bottle of soda and then rip the cap off. Or take the lid off a presser pot. Things wont go over well. Slowly releasing it will feel better (after a while) and be easier. Maybe counseling? Not saying a psych hospital. They will probably treat you like everybody else.

It sounds stupid, but you have to show those people that you are not retarded. That you are a normal person. Yes you might have a small condition, but i guarantee you so do they. They have some kind of skeleton in their coset. So they really don't have any room to talk.

I commend you for living with the condition you have. Most people probably wouldn't be doing as well as you are. I think with a little work on your part, talking with your friends, releasing some of your anger, you will feel a lot better. Any amount of anger is going to take a tole on a person. It's not healthy to let it build up.
 
cantthinkofone said:
A punching bag might prove helpful.
Click to expand...

I cannot speak to the specific case of autism, but research has discredited the idea of dealing with anger by releasing it against a "safe" target. People given the opportunity to "vent" anger stay angrier longer. The act of behaving in an angry way reinforces the anger instead of relieving it.
 
dontwalkhand said:
What I do not get is, how did I get enough control to know not to damage the MacBook, or hit any humans? Why is it that I can control my anger to be careful with those, but not with the rest of the stuff around me?
Click to expand...

I'm guess it is because you really care about the well being of the people around you. Your brain must know subconsciously that you don't want to cause injury to them.

As others have said, I would talk to your friends and let then know how you feel about certain words. But also, tell them what you told us if they don't already know everything.

I can only partially understand everything that you are going through. I have a friend on antidepressants who developed blackout sessions when she got really angry. She would scream and yell random stuff and hit what ever made her mad, even if it was a person. The doctors tried a new medication which helped by cutting down the number of blackouts.
The real thing that helped her control her anger was taking art lessons as advised by her therapist. She took to drawing and poetry really fast. When she would start to feel angry she would walk away and start writing or drawing. She made sure she always had a pencil and pad with her everywhere she went.

As stated above by Gelfin, purposely expressing anger with violence is not recommenced (ie a punching bag).

I would try your talents in art or crafty things. Anything; paint a house or a portrait, build a bird house, write a story, draw, or sculpt. Remember, even a line on a page is art. There is no such thing being a "good artist," everyone is a good artist in their own way. Like beauty, it is in the eye of the beholder.
:)
 
hey lets all give our professional opinions about this man's condition.


I like all the deep-digging psychological analysis by a bunch of know-it-all mac nerds.

The next time I need to figure out how to deal with my anger I'm making an appointment at the Genius bar.
 
tempusfugit said:
hey lets all give our professional opinions about this man's condition.


I like all the deep-digging psychological analysis by a bunch of know-it-all mac nerds.

The next time I need to figure out how to deal with my anger I'm making an appointment at the Genius bar.
Click to expand...

While you've stated it quite harshly I have a tendency to agree with you. I can definitely emphasize with the OP's situation but the psycho analysis BS going on here could also prove damaging. I'm not sorry if that comes off as being cold-hearted because I believe that in order to save a life you have to ensure you have the proper tools. From what I can see no one here has touted any qualifications to really assess the kid's situation. While I am all for theorizing, I believe that theorizing on issues like the ones described by the OP have the potential to be harmful.

To the OP, I know frustration drove you here but the best I can say is perhaps a forum with people who are in similar situations and/or people living with people in your situation is at least more helpful. Theorizing with others who are living like you is at least a positive step towards understanding what could potentially work. Of course, that's my opinion just as every post above mine and future posts following mine will be.

Good luck.
 
cantthinkofone said:
I would say age plays a large roll in this. I'm guessing your 15-17 years old. That word is like saying 'cool' or 'you're gay' to that age group. I'm 22 and when i was in high school it was one of the most commonly spoken words while walking thru the hallways.
Click to expand...

I am actually 20, and graduated from High School (hole of sewage) in May 2008.

And as I said in my original post, I am usually able to let it pass, the destruction only happened after my best friend decided to call me "retarded." Anyone from the general public can call me retarded to their heart's desire, and I still maintain "normalcy." My best friend also knows of my issues.

That being said, I do disapprove of improper usage of the word, and I do find it very offensive.
 
thegoldenmackid said:
I really hope people on the "use of the word gay" thread read this. It really does show that word do hurt, despite dukebound85's mocking of it.
Click to expand...

So homosexuals are autistic and (no offence OP) overreact because of their condition? Retarded has had 1 meaning over the years, gay hasn't. But moving on...

That definitely does suck. My brother used to have similar lash outs where he damaged everything excluding his TV and Xbox, but this was mostly because he was addicted to drugs at the time, although we do believe he has some kind of underlying mental problem. He was put on antidepressants for a few months whilst it subsided, we (like the posted above mentioned) got him a punching bag and some weights. Over time he used them instead of trashing the more valuable things in his room.
 
thegoldenmackid said:
I really hope people on the "use of the word gay" thread read this. It really does show that word do hurt, despite dukebound85's mocking of it.
Click to expand...

I do too. I've been known to have similar anger management issues, but it's only happened once or twice that I've gotten violent over people's misuse of certain words.

To the OP- you reacted the way you did because you didn't think your friend would ever say something like that to you and it stung. On top of that, you have a condition that is difficult to control. Hopefully, your friend will be more considerate in the future. Good luck to you in dealing with your condition. You sound like an intelligent and brave person.

raggedjimmi said:
So homosexuals are autistic and (no offence OP) overreact because of their condition? Retarded has had 1 meaning over the years, gay hasn't. But moving on...
Click to expand...

Jimmi- you know the point that was being made. Stop acting as if you don't.
 
Badandy said:
Don't turn this thread into that. It was his best friend using a word against him that they both know he finds offensive.
Click to expand...

The OP said he lets it pass when other people say it. So how was his friend to know that it bothered him? I see nothing in the post that mentions his friend was aware of that. Until that moment, it could very well be that he didn't know.
 
leekohler said:
The OP said he lets it pass when other people say it. So how was his friend to know that it bothered him? I see nothing in the post that mentions his friend was aware of that. Until that moment, it could very well be that he didn't know.
Click to expand...

You're telling me his best friend doesn't know he's a high-functioning autistic? That seems strange. The only other explanation is that the OP has never told his best friend that he finds the term offensive, which seems like the logical thing to do.
 
raggedjimmi said:
So homosexuals are autistic and (no offence OP) overreact because of their condition? Retarded has had 1 meaning over the years, gay hasn't. But moving on...
Click to expand...
Really now:
Retard means to either slow progress or progress backwards. I believe that that was the first definition, before it was used to described those mentally challenged.

Badandy said:
Don't turn this thread into that. It was his best friend using a word against him that they both know he finds offensive.
Click to expand...
Umm.. the OP said that he/she takes offense to anyone that uses the word. Proves that context is irrelevant.
 
Badandy said:
You're telling me his best friend doesn't know he's a high-functioning autistic? That seems strange. The only other explanation is that the OP has never told his best friend that he finds the term offensive, which seems like the logical thing to do.
Click to expand...

Oh no- I'm sure he knows he's autistic. I'm just saying that his friend may not have known how my the word "retard" offends him. I only say that because the OP says he gives others a pass when he hears it, even though it still offends him.
 
thegoldenmackid said:
Umm.. the OP said that he/she takes offense to anyone that uses the word. Proves that context is irrelevant.
Click to expand...

Actually it proves that context is entirely relevant. People should know that he doesn't like when the word is used, and they should cut it out. His best friend, of all people, should know that.

Lee: Then that's just a communication problem. His friend should have the tact to know that it's offensive to him and that his words are thought of more highly than random people who his friend gives a pass. Additionally, the OP should tell him that he finds it offensive.
 
Badandy said:
Actually it proves that context is entirely relevant. People should know that he doesn't like when the word is used, and they should cut it out. His best friend, of all people, should know that.
Click to expand...

To be sure. This should also apply in the other thread as well.

And I think the OP's best friend definitely knows that now.
 
leekohler said:
To be sure. This should also apply in the other thread as well.
Click to expand...

I agree, which I've always said. I only use terms like that when I know it doesn't offend people. If I don't know for sure I don't risk it out of respect for however they feel on the issue. People are jumping on me for that.

And I think the OP's best friend definitely knows that now.
Click to expand...

I'd hope so.
 
First off, no you are not "retarded". This is a gross misuse of the word. Mental retardation is a separate diagnosis that some individuals use to classify anyone with some kind of "mental disability" (I use that term loosely). There is debate among professionals as to what is classified under the term retardation specifically when it comes to ASD's.

Meltdowns are normal for any human being and individuals with autism can have a particularly hard time with social situations and and even more so when being centered out and angered. For yourself, perhaps find some key things that trigger you and build an immunity to it. It's like when you're supporting an individual with low functioning autism to become successful in a task... repetition is the key. Talk to your doctors and try and come up with an alternative plan or perhaps a meds evaluation is needed.

As to why you didn't break the MacBook, you probably have a particular attachment to it which prevented you from damaging it.

Perhaps having a little chat with your friends is in order as well.

Don't be ashamed of being angry though.
 
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