AppleCrap Humor Review: Apple to Buy Universal Music
posted on 04-11-2003 by limiter
News has leaked to the media that Apple may buy Universal Music for 5 to 6 billion dollars. Many people think this is a dumb idea because it takes away from R&D money, and could possibly put Apple into debt. Our insider-spy bunny boo-boo says that Apple plans to also buy the other remaining Music companies for "well over" 90 billion dollars. How could this be you ask? The answer is simple: Make a tunnel.
Apple clearly does not have 96 billion dollars. So the question is: who does have 96 billion? In fact who has 96 billion in cash in a vault somewhere? And finally, who has 96 billion in cash, in a vault, and wouldn't notice if someone took it? The answer is Microsoft of course!
A few weeks ago when Steve Jobs slipped in the bathroom and hit his head on the toilet an image just came to him.... the flux capacitor! Then he fell and hit his head again and this image came to him:
Tunnel
The plan was simple, but brilliant: Take the money from Microsoft. Not only that but dig a massive tunnel from Apple (with a stop off at Starbucks) to Microsoft, straight into their vault. It is a perfect plan. Microsoft would never know, because no one is actually going to bother counting a couple hundred billion dollars and since the tunnel is underground, there will be no witnesses because Steve Jobs intends to carry the money himself. Luckily our insider-spy bunny boo-boo is, well a bunny, so he's good with dirt or we would have never known about this secret.
So there you have it Apple intends to buy all the record companies in the world, starting with Universal Music. After they cancel Britney Spears' record contract and move her down to the company cafeteria, Apple intends to launch the biggest online music service, all with Microsoft's money.
Rating: Steaming Pile of Crap (5)