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Approaching women in social settings

C

CubaTBird

macrumors 68020
Original poster
Apr 18, 2004
2,135
0
So today I went out and about and noticed a few things, being my day off of course ;). Where I live their are a fair number of bars and clubs and gameroom places that feature bars & clubs inside them. Needless to say, some women are just odd (that or I am missing some serious game that I am not aware of). For example at this bar I was at I saw a group of women (four) playing this one particular game in the gameroom area and their was that one that caught my eye. Needless to say I approached and asked if I could join in and see what all the fun was about. They all stared with blank faces at me as if I was some ufo or something and then burst out laughing saying I was "cute" while walking away. I don't comprehend this action, your at a social setting where people hang out and yet your greeted with that? So I shrugged it off and moved on. I saw this other girl playing on another game and asked her how it worked, she explained but then 14 seconds later this dude shows up and says "hey babe lets go get some grub, ya?". A "nice meeting you" followed.

Before I went home I stopped by the bookstore for some latte. I browsed this one section of the book store and noticed this one girl, alone, looking at this silly children's book. I made a joke about how maybe she was a little to old for that book so as to get a convo going. She then gave me this weird stare and kept saying I don't know. Then she just walked away. Weird...


I will admit I have NEVER been to a bar or club. Never really was my scene, but now Im turning 21 and wanted to see what I was missing, if I was missing anything.

So fella's, how do you get the fair ladies digits at these places?
 
Never bother wasting your time approaching a group of women in a bar or club. When women gather together as groups in these places they're on a 'girls night out' and don't want any sausages. In fact, often these women's group nights involve complaining about men, so if you're the next man to enter their sights then they'll usually chew you up like chum, regardless of how awesome a guy you might actually be, they wouldn't even have the time to find that about before devouring you whole.

Girls in groups of 2 are fine to talk to, and a single girl alone is probably crazy and or looking for some lovin.
 
Superbad makes some pretty excellent points about meeting women -- ie, don't meet them in bars. All true, in my experience.

Many of my past relationships were with girls I met in bars or other social settings -- college parties, dorm parties, etc. None of those relationships went well. I'm not saying those girls were tramps and whores; quite the opposite, in fact. I met some very gentle, sweet, innocent girls at college parties. The problem was that they were all extraverts, generally "out" people, and I'm a very introverted person who just happened to tear around like an idiot on occasion (generally because I was trying to find nice girls to spend quiet alone time with, and I thought that if I did it a lot faster and under the influence of psilocybin, I'd be more likely to meet t3h One). Also, I've always been an artist, and I was too stupid to realize that "you work best for me as a source of inspiration" is incredibly insulting.

If you're looking to score, then just keep doing what you're doing. Just because it hasn't worked in these few instances doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, although I was unlucky enough to witness the incredible skillz of a friend of mine, Aaron, who had sex with over seventy different girls (and pretty ones!) in a single semester. His secret was that he was incredibly confident about his chances of getting laid, and of course the more confident he was and the less he actually cared about each particular girl, the more willing they were to go out to his truck and perform various unsavory acts on him.

I didn't get any at all that semester, in comparison, and I was better looking, more intelligent, and more polite. I was looking for Miss Right, who manifested herself in a series of staggeringly beautiful girls that I would fall madly in love with while drunk and/or stoned at a party. I wrote them poetry, actually gave it to them (while sober -- holy ****, I've never been so scared in my life), and had relationships with them. Brief, because back then I was on this weird sort of Jim Morrison-esque hedonist trip where I wanted to be totally consumed by love, hatred, any and every passion that I could summon up. And girls generally don't go for that, and if they do, they're usually not the kind you want to dive in without your scuba suit. No, they were all more concerned with their safety (emotional and physical) and wanted to go out on these weird group date things at first, then maybe after a couple of those and no overfriendly hands or obscene drunken innuendo or frightening personal revelations, THEN they would want dinner at Garcillio's or whatever that insipid Mexitalian place was.

**** that, man, I wanted to sit in the trees outside their dorms and play Spanish guitar, or hire my friend Alejandro who could play much better flamenco than I, and have them throw themselves out the window and into my arms, and then we'd go eat mescaline, wander out into the desert, and get lost and spend the next beautiful morning chilled to the bone and walking weavily while watching the soccer moms take their children to Sunday School and give us looks that were a little reproachful and a lot mocking.

True romance is dead: it died with date rape, with Girls Gone Wild, with rohypnol and emo music and the Seventies. Forrest Gump made a lot of girls never want to have sex again.

And just be yourself. Because the minute you start acting like a jackass, like Aaron, you're going to meet Miss Right. And chances are, she'll like the Aaron in you, and you'll hate her for it. And that's not the foundation of a beautiful relationship, man.
 
Starting out with, "Hello" generally works better than "Oh, bit old for that, aren't you?"

The first way is polite. Sincere. Not condescending. The second way is fine once you're in a relationship, and the girl knows your personality, but until then... "Hey", "Hi", "Hello", "Hiya", are all far better ways to start out a conversation.

But just like Schultz... "I know nothing!"
 
CubaTBird said:
I browsed this one section of the book store and noticed this one girl, alone, looking at this silly children's book. I made a joke about how maybe she was a little to old for that book so as to get a convo going. She then gave me this weird stare and kept saying I don't know. Then she just walked away. Weird...
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She may have been shopping for a niece or nephew, she may have even been a classroom assistant. Yet you invade her personal space and privacy with a comment like that and expect her to be charmed? Weird...

What you guys have to realise is that, often, girls don't want or need that sort of approach any more. Many of us are independent, emotionally and financially. You have to step up your game and make an attempt to treat women like people deserving of some respect.
 
Blue Velvet said:
You have to step up your game and make an attempt to treat women like people deserving of some respect.
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Could you please instill that in some of the people I know who have been bestowed with two X chromosomes? Please? Because nothing is more (well, few things are as) frustrating than to see girls playing into the very stereotypes they complain about later.

A good bit of sense might do 'em some good. So, how about it? Please?
 
Mechcozmo said:
Could you please instill that in some of the people I know who have been bestowed with two X chromosomes? Please? Because nothing is more (well, few things are as) frustrating than to see girls playing into the very stereotypes they complain about later.

A good bit of sense might do 'em some good. So, how about it? Please?
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I second that. Most girls are only independent as long as it's giving them some advantage. If it's to their disadvantage, they fall back into "Oh no, I can't, I am just a little girl, you know" behaviour. Lame.
 
in general...

Don't approach large groups of women, especially at pubs. That's the lion's den right there.

Don't try to be 'cute' with lines. Sometimes they just come across as scary. Women are often preyed upon and it's hard to differentiate the psychos from the decent. As a woman you have to be rather on guard because one little slip up can wind you up raped in the back of someone's POS van. Imagine what that is like for just a moment.

Be respectful and don't patronize women.

Realize that sometimes no matter what you do, there's just times when nothing is going to work. It doesn't make all women weird, it just means that this woman is having a bad day and might not be in the mood. Or she might just not like the cut of your jib. whatever. that's life.

Don't give up, just be yourself and give it a go. If it doesn't work out, don't take it too personally. Different strokes for different folks.
 
iBlue said:
Don't approach large groups of women, especially at pubs. That's the lion's den right there.

Don't try to be 'cute' with lines. Sometimes they just come across as scary. Women are often preyed upon and it's hard to differentiate the psychos from the decent. As a woman you have to be rather on guard because one little slip up can wind you up raped in the back of someone's POS van. Imagine what that is like for just a moment.

Be respectful and don't patronize women.

Realize that sometimes no matter what you do, there's just times when nothing is going to work. It doesn't make all women weird, it just means that this woman is having a bad day and might not be in the mood. Or she might just not like the cut of your jib. whatever. that's life.

Don't give up, just be yourself and give it a go. If it doesn't work out, don't take it too personally. Different strokes for different folks.
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But what if "Being yourself" is saying those things you just said not to say? I hate this "be yourself" thing. The same people that say it are often the same people to tell a guy how he needs to change.

P-Worm
 
P-Worm said:
But what if "Being yourself" is saying those things you just said not to say? I hate this "be yourself" thing. The same people that say it are often the same people to tell a guy how he needs to change.

P-Worm
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I always take those goofy lines as something not very genuine. <shrug> If that is being yourself, great, go for it. If it doesn't blow her skirt up, so be it. Better to get that out of the way from the start.
 
P-Worm said:
But what if "Being yourself" is saying those things you just said not to say? I hate this "be yourself" thing. The same people that say it are often the same people to tell a guy how he needs to change.

P-Worm
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Acting like most blokes do in "chat up" mode is not being yourself, being yourself in this context means not putting on a show, by your logic everyone is being themselves as everyone is themselves. In this context it means don't put on a show, just be friendly and start a conversation on equal terms.

If you act like a showoffy twunt to everyone then frankly you're a twunt.
 
mad jew said:
Wear a hairnet. They're a particularly clean species.
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You want to come out in Carlisle with me one night mate. ;)

On a side note: Wow, this thread is serious. I guess in a unbeknown to us all, Romance is dead. Never before have I known someone making a (Admittedly bad) joke towards someone trying to spark a conversation being described as 'invade her personal space and privacy'.

Maybe you don't need a female like that CubaTBird, stuck a little too far up her own arse.
 
Mord said:
In this context it means don't put on a show, just be friendly and start a conversation on equal terms.
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Which isn't of much use if the only things you usually talk about is 90's video games, web programming, making music in your basement* and... uh... I am running out of topics.

* if you don't play the guitar or a saxophone (instant sex appeal), you are pretty much uninteresting or, in the worst case, weird.
 
I'm rather outgoing and have no trouble approaching women. Best pick up line ever- Hi!

Took me many years to learn that.
 
Markleshark said:
Never before have I known someone making a (Admittedly bad) joke towards someone trying to spark a conversation being described as 'invade her personal space and privacy'..
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She's browsing in a bookshop, not hanging off a pole. But then again, to some people, that's the same thing...

Another word to the wise; don't date out of your league. ;)
 
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