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Approaching women in social settings
- Thread starter CubaTBird
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Semantics. Probably an unfortunate choice of words.
IMO, a lot of people at a young age simply don't know who they are, and therefore have trouble ''being themselves". Consequently, a lot of external influences seep into one's interactions with others.. particularly those of one's amorous interest.
I agree. I was going to post about this earlier.... but didn't.
My wife and I were talking last night and she said she wished she could go back in time and talk to her younger self and tell her it would all be alright, she'd get married to a wonderful guy, etc. I told her it wasn't very nice to lie to one's younger self. Then I kicked her in the face.
I definitely needed to learn how to be myself. Basically, I tried to resist who I was for the longest time -- I wanted to be slick, you know? I wanted to be a cool guy. And I wanted to bang lots of chicks. And I wanted to play guitar in a fantastic rock band. And I wanted to do a lot of drugs.
Only one of those things ended up happening, but I can't remember which.
But my entire life as an "adult" has been trying to figure out who I am. That's a lie. I know who I am -- maybe I've always known -- but there's something else at work there. The language fails. Maybe it's something like "muscle memory" when playing a musical instrument. "Muscle memory for the soul." Yeah, that's the ticket. It's not really comfort with yourself, because a lot of people despise themselves but are themselves nevertheless. And it's not quite knowing what makes you happy, either.
How the hell do you -- does anyone -- figure out something like that? Do you have to try everything? What sort of education do you have, really, in figuring out who you are... other than a long succession of people trying to push you into places where you don't fit?
I kinda thought that was what my philosophy degree was for, but it turned out mostly to be about tedium. Literature -- that can help you figure yourself out. At least a little. You see bits of yourself in characters. Conversation, if it's good. If it's drunken, it's even better. To a point.
Damn, someone should start a thread about this.
Edit: Far out. My AEBS(n) pooped out on me while trying to post this, and then my wife got home and beat me. Apparently, someone in a high place did not want me to post this.
This usually does the trick for me:
Me: Would you happen to be Italian?
Girl: No.
Me: Would you like to have some in you?
Results may vary.
Me: Would you happen to be Italian?
Girl: No.
Me: Would you like to have some in you?
Results may vary.
I didn't know Chuck Norris was on MR, but now that we know that he is, you should listen to him.
I think it's about stripping stuff away and trying to get rid of the filters we impose on how we perceive the world and ourselves, which are the product of how we were raised, our past experiences etc. It'd be better to just see ourselves and the world objectively. Not easy at all though....
You can't be too forward. And you really do have to find the right time. Its an art not a science.
all this advice is assuming you're looking for a girlfriend, not a one-night-stand:
you're going to have much more luck finding a girl in a non-bar social situation. Sign up for a class in something you're interested in, there will be girls there that share your interest.
Girls assume that a stranger talking to them in a bar just wants to get laid, nothing more. Take a girl you already know to a bar, don't try to meet one there.
I know this is probably not the OP but its a serious pet peeve so I must mention it:
Do not tell a girl that you don't know that she has a nice ass/tits/whatever. Compliments are nice, but keep them vague, like 'you look great this evening' I don't like being degraded to my component parts. After you have had actual conversations and are starting to get to know one another, the occasional, "damn, your ass looks great in that skirt" is fine because we know that you don't like us just for our parts.
There are always exceptions to these rules, but its a good place to start.
you're going to have much more luck finding a girl in a non-bar social situation. Sign up for a class in something you're interested in, there will be girls there that share your interest.
Girls assume that a stranger talking to them in a bar just wants to get laid, nothing more. Take a girl you already know to a bar, don't try to meet one there.
I know this is probably not the OP but its a serious pet peeve so I must mention it:
Do not tell a girl that you don't know that she has a nice ass/tits/whatever. Compliments are nice, but keep them vague, like 'you look great this evening' I don't like being degraded to my component parts. After you have had actual conversations and are starting to get to know one another, the occasional, "damn, your ass looks great in that skirt" is fine because we know that you don't like us just for our parts.
There are always exceptions to these rules, but its a good place to start.
Well, I can't possibly give any form of worthy advice as I'm 25 and not even been kissed So don't take the following as any form of sensible advice.
From what I've observed, read, researched etc... women dig confidence. You know how to most men appearance is what attracts us to women. For women, appearance is nothing - they're attracted to confidence first and foremost.
That's why they often go for the "bad" lads, because generally if a guy is bad he's that way because he's confident enough to defy authority, and in some cases knock the girl around etc. He could be a complete %$£%, and physically violent, doesn't matter as confidence is the main attraction point.
Me, I'm shy as they come. That's why women never go near me with a 10ft pole unless they want friendship. They may hate shyness when it comes to a potential boyfriend, but they LOVE it for a friend and so I'm exactly the type who gets all the "my boyfriends is so nasty, I wish he was nice like you" but "I just don't think of you that way"
Be bold and confident and manly, I reckon. Good luck to both of us
So don't take the following as any form of sensible advice.From what I've observed, read, researched etc... women dig confidence. You know how to most men appearance is what attracts us to women. For women, appearance is nothing - they're attracted to confidence first and foremost.
That's why they often go for the "bad" lads, because generally if a guy is bad he's that way because he's confident enough to defy authority, and in some cases knock the girl around etc. He could be a complete %$£%, and physically violent, doesn't matter as confidence is the main attraction point.
Me, I'm shy as they come. That's why women never go near me with a 10ft pole unless they want friendship. They may hate shyness when it comes to a potential boyfriend, but they LOVE it for a friend and so I'm exactly the type who gets all the "my boyfriends is so nasty, I wish he was nice like you" but "I just don't think of you that way"
Be bold and confident and manly, I reckon. Good luck to both of us
You're doomed if you go into things with an attitude like that. Widen your social circle.
I just learn from what I see... widening my social circle + life experiences have taught me that. Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical, but I've been told that's my most endearing trait. Really!
Yes, but a very large number that can have major effects on the relationship. No hugs from 2,000 miles away.Isn't distance just a number, too?
You mean that the UK is a suburb of London? Wow, that makes so much more sense now! I had that backwards...
there's a difference between having confidence and being an jerk. confidence is absolutely sexy, but being able to be wrong and not totally freak out is also sexy.
Women that stay in abusing relationships often have very low self esteem and depression. They stay because they fear being alone and don't realize that they can make it on their own. Abusive men will seek out these relationships because no one else will put up with them. Its a horrible cycle and its very hard to extricate oneself after putting that much effort into a relationship.
Please don't think that all women are like that. I have an idea that you are thinking of a specific girl of which you have feelings.
Confidence doesn't have to equal cockiness. If you want to meet girls, ask them questions. get them talking. compliment them on more than their appearance, compliment them on their accomplishments. It will probably take awhile to figure out what's the right mixture of behaviors. Pay attention to body language. a girl will often say more about how she feels about you with body language than with words if you're the only one talking, then she's either bored or not interested, if she's smiling and making eye contact then you might have made a connection. Be open and honest, but don't be too overly enthusiastic.
girls generally equate overly enthusiastic with neediness, and that's not an attractive quality.
I'm just throwing out some generalities, but I'm willing to answer any specific questions...
Well, first off (and you need to understand I've got a smile on my face and I'm laughing as I type this) why do you women dress to accentuate your various "parts" if you really don't want us guys to compliment them then?
In my experience, women are generally pretty vain, especially in the cosmetic, visual sense. They do everything they can to make their bodies more attractive, even in situations that are not "dating" or "looking to pick up a guy" ones; they wear low-cut tops, short skirts, clothes that generally reveal a lot, and so on. And yet, if I were to walk up to a woman who had, for instance, a nice pair of breasts and had dressed in such a way as to accentuate them, and I were to simply say "Wow, you really have beautiful boobs." or somesuch (and for the moment we'll assume I'm not trying to pick them up, etc., just observing and making a comment, no more, no less) I'd get slapped.
And at 35, I still don't "get" women. I suspect most men never do.
However, if at some point I can come up with a question to ask here of you, I'll do so.
I think that's a very valid observation. here's what I have to offer:
Women know that first thing that gets a guy's attention is how attractive they are to the guy. There is a huge difference in amount of attention a girl will get depending on how much skin is showing or how flattering an outfit is despite the amount of skin. The same girl in different outfits will get different responses, otherwise we wouldn't have those geek-to-hottie teen movies.
The thing that escapes most men, is that the men's response to this attraction determines how we think of them. There's a huge difference, in our opinion, between flirting and being predatory. When you say "nice boobs" to a girl you don't know, you're being predatory. It takes you off our list of potential mates. We appreciate attention, but we want someone that has tact. There are certain things that you only get to say once you actually know someone. Otherwise you're just being a jerk.
(btw, all you's are general you's and not personal you's)
I disagree. The awareness of 'self' develops a lot earlier than the awareness of 'other'. I think you're confusing a period of great personal growth with a lack of identity.
Anyways, the OP called for a bar setting, indicating a minimum age of 19, so I don't think that has much to do with it. "Acting like" a twunt at this age wouldn't occur so much for a lack of self identity, but rather due to a lack of experience.
Good point. I mean, have you ever met a girl that goes shopping for a pair of trousers and says, "Give me the most horrible ones you got so no one looks at my nice bottom"?
Umm... http://www.wizards.com/dnd ?
Heck. most of the players in my Sunday game are women... strike that... the game is online... most of the players SAY they're women.
Mind you, I'm only in it for the gaming. I've been married for 14 years, now. I met her online... in a virtual bar. (Back when AOL had a chat room called LaPub)
It seems a very fine balance though. If you try just being friendly (in the experience of myself and other people like me) you end up as "just a friend". If you're too flirty, then it's too strong and you're a jerk / predator / creep. It's a very fine balance that presumably comes with practice.
no, I'm all in favour of being a absolute twunt for *****'n giggles, the key is to socialise with people who enjoy the company of other twunts, however approaching random women in book stores and bars and being a **** is going to piss off 99% of them it's frankly antisocial.
This thread has a brilliant mix of horrible and good advice.
Someone said don't approach girls in groups ... wtf! Approaching groups is best, its a little more difficult I'll admit but the payoff is much better. If you win the group, its much easier to win the girl. You can isolate one of them and her friends won't be dragging her all around and back to the group ... because they trust you. The key word there is trust. You're a good guy, you met all of them, you weren't afraid of them, oh yeah and you're the center of attention. And if you want to get in a relationship with a girl, you date her friends ... why wait to meet them.
If you're really afraid of being rejected you aren't at all ready to meet girls and have relationships.
There's no problem with meeting a girl just about anywhere. If you like to go out, and she likes to go out, no problem meeting at a bar. Guess what, going out is a common interest.
Don't date out of your league? This is a question of opinion and confidence. I would be depressed if I was not dating up.
But enough bashing for a minute. There is good advice here. Confidence is awesome, women look for leaders. Being a leader is sexy and will build attraction. Body language is also key in projecting confidence.
Just remember, that you're special, you're the prize. If you live with that kind of attitude it will work out well. If anyone has any specific questions shoot me a PM.
Someone said don't approach girls in groups ... wtf! Approaching groups is best, its a little more difficult I'll admit but the payoff is much better. If you win the group, its much easier to win the girl. You can isolate one of them and her friends won't be dragging her all around and back to the group ... because they trust you. The key word there is trust. You're a good guy, you met all of them, you weren't afraid of them, oh yeah and you're the center of attention. And if you want to get in a relationship with a girl, you date her friends ... why wait to meet them.
If you're really afraid of being rejected you aren't at all ready to meet girls and have relationships.
There's no problem with meeting a girl just about anywhere. If you like to go out, and she likes to go out, no problem meeting at a bar. Guess what, going out is a common interest.
Don't date out of your league? This is a question of opinion and confidence. I would be depressed if I was not dating up.
But enough bashing for a minute. There is good advice here. Confidence is awesome, women look for leaders. Being a leader is sexy and will build attraction. Body language is also key in projecting confidence.
Just remember, that you're special, you're the prize. If you live with that kind of attitude it will work out well. If anyone has any specific questions shoot me a PM.
If anything you should have commented on the book and not the person shopping. Of course I'm 24 and have never dated for some odd reason (and no, I'm not fat...I guess that means I'm overly self-conscious lol).
