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Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

Leareth

Leareth

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Nov 11, 2004
1,569
6
Vancouver
I was having coffee with my colleagues today and the topic of infidelity/cheating/affairs somehow came up, it turned out that ALL of the people at the table either cheated on their partners or were cheated by in the last year.:eek:

No one save me is with their partner/spouse anymore. The relationships seem to have sufferred an irrepairable blow.
I was wondering if any fo you have had similar experiences, and if you could forgive and move on from the experience. I am more interested in the serious long term relationships rather than the my GF/BF in high school stories.
Thanks
 
Probably not. Maybe once, but never back to the same point it was before, and never more then once.
 
What the grandiose royal person said ^^.

I have had the unpleasantness of having been cheated on before. I did forgive the lowly bastid. He did cheat on me again. Aaaand again. And believe me, the thought of him cheating on me crossed my mind every time he said or did anything remotely "lovey dovey." Which tells me I never truly forgave him.

Then again, I've never been good at "forgive and forget." I'm sure part of it is never being able to forgive or forget any of my own faults and shortcomings. :eek:
 
Depends entirely on the set of circumstances. But usually, I think I'd just break up with a girl if she cheated on me.

My first long-term girlfriend cheated on me one night when we were at a beach party. When I eventually found out about it, shortly after we had broken up, it really didn't bother me and I actually laughed at her for being so afraid of how I would react. Probably requires a bit of explanation...

See, before I dated this girl, she dated a good friend of mine with whom I played soccer. They broke up, but remained good friends and I could always tell there was something unsettled between them. Even when I was with this girl, she and this fellow would have long conversations and I could tell she loved hanging out with him. I have no problem with my girlfriend having guy friends.

Fast forward a few months, we're at a beach party over the summer. She and her old boyfriend decide to go for a walk after having a few beer. I'm completely fine with it and don't think anything of it. Later when they come back, my girlfriend gets in a fight with me, which kind of indicated that something was up since this was the first real argument (over nothing) that we ever had. Of course, I never even imagined that she cheated on me.

But really, as I later found out, all they did was kiss and then came back to the camp. They kissed then, and I've never seen them hang out with each other since. When she finally told me about it a few months after we broke up, she was frightened to death of what I would think. The fact is, they kissed after having a few beer and pretty much never hung out again. That, to me, rings of a "good-bye kiss". I always knew there was something unsettled between them, and this was the settlement. She was all mine after that. Hence, it didn't bother me when I found out and I just laughed at her for taking it so seriously.

In most other circumstances though, I'd be pretty angry ;)
 
Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

No.

There's no circumstances whatsoever in which such behaviour is forgivable.
 
Yes I can forgive but will still breakup because it will always linger at the back of my mind.

A quote I like is:

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."

I forgot who said it though.

- Scott
 
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No. Hell no. Not ever. I am very clear about what I will/will not accept in a relationship, and if you don't have the balls to say "Hon, we have to break up because I just can't keep it in my pants," then you are a pathetic man indeed and not worth my time. I used to put up with it in the past but have since discovered I'm better than that.
 
it really depends on whether they are serious about the relationship or not, if they are really sorry about it, then i dont suppose why not. Everyone makes mistakes, dont see why this one is any different that you cant forgive them
 
I consider myself an extremely forgiving person, but if I'm committed to my spouse, I kind of expect the same "courtesy" in return.

I can forgive a lot (A LOT) of things, but cheating on me is not something I see myself being willing to get past.

Edit: Mongo makes a good point - I suppose I could probably forgive the person for what they did, but it would definitely be the end of the relationship.
 
All depends on how long the relationship is, for longterm releationships -- aka, more than a few years ... this event will either force people into therapy and they will start talking again, or it will drive a wedge into the relationship and shut true communication down until it ends.
 
shecky said:
++

letting someone get away with cheating on you shows your own insecurities and fear of being alone. screw that. id rather be alone than with someone who is a disrespectful whore.
Click to expand...

That's not usually why women cheat. Women will usually cheat because they are lacking something in their current situations. Usually it's when they feel alienated that they'll go out and seek that attention or desire for attraction elsewhere. It's so seldom an "I'm horny so I'm gonna screw someone else" thing (unless they really are a whore) It's almost always because they were not getting what they needed at home, so to speak. Men cheat for similar reasons but much of the time it's a physical thing (like being utterly sick of it) and not so much an emotional thing like it is for women, who do it often to feel better about themselves. (and ultimately fail at that)

Also that's not always why people try to forgive it, either. Not everyone is afraid of being alone.
Sorry, suppose I just disagree with the essential message of that post.

On a fundamental level I think cheating is unforgivable and nearly impossible to get over. So make no mistake that I am condoning it. Just wanted to reveal another side to it.
 
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iBlue said:
Just wanted to reveal another side to it.
Click to expand...

which i think is fine and completely irrelevant (to me). WHY someone did it i could honestly care less about; the fact is if they did it, they are no longer a part of my life. if they are not satisfied with some part of the relationship, then talk about it, and if it does not get better, then end the relationship. i have a zero tolerance policy on infidelity.
 
i don't know how to respond, i don't think it's ever happened to me yet. At least i don't know about it. I don't think i would just end the relationship (comming from a long term relationship +3 years) love is fluid, if there is no room for mistake your living walking on needles. love is supportive. there is no reason for punish someone from "learning", that is only if they are truely sincere, in the case where the "cheat" is just controling and abusing you than yea end it... i can't believe there is a right or wrong, it's the true feelings between two people. if it is true, and someone made a mistake, don't be the one to make another mistake!

o well, another option is to do what borat would do! "i will crush you"!!
 
Once, and only under a specific set of circumstances.

They are forthcoming and timely in their confession, and are consumed by guilt over their behavior. This probably only applies to younger couples especially those who have never been with anyone else or with very few others since most couples where both have had previous partners will not have as many questions about what it would be like to be with someone else since they already have been.

In such a situation the guilt that the "cheater" feels can ensure that it never happens again. However if the act is covered up or hidden for a long period of time it would cause much more harm and possibly lead to "if I got away with it once..."
 
I think not for the simple reason that it flies in the face of what a good relationship should be about - love, honesty, and open communication.

If they were honest and open then they should also have the respect for the other in the relationship to break it off before trying to have their cake and eat it too. If they were doing it as an excuse to get out of the relationship then it shows they are a coward and tried to force the other to make the break up decision for them. There is no way anyone can slice it where it would be OK - it would linger in the mind of the wronged on and never could it ever be the same. And on top of that it is likely that the cheater's behavior will continue no matter how sorry they are.

<rant>Every life touches every other one so much, but we fail to see it until it is too late in most cases - all the person would have to do is look forward past the decision and see the ramifications of the action before they make the action - they don't. Even taking the time to step into another's shoes to try to feel what they feel would be a start. There are less and less empathetic and feeling people in the world everyday - it is more about what is in it for me as the selfish nature of people grows and grows with a growing trend of no one actually being responsible for their actions anymore...<end rant>

So the short answer is, no.
 
shecky said:
which i think is fine and completely irrelevant (to me). WHY someone did it i could honestly care less about; the fact is if they did it, they are no longer a part of my life. if they are not satisfied with some part of the relationship, then talk about it, and if it does not get better, then end the relationship. i have a zero tolerance policy on infidelity.
Click to expand...

Sure, and I can agree there because I find it pretty unforgivable under most circumstances. It does happen though. I just think because there are two sides to every story that it might be a good idea to understand how someone can get to that point. Sometimes people end up in strange situations which they never thought possible. You can surprise yourself. Hate it all you want but sometimes understanding is a better way of letting go.
 
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my wife, with whom i've been together with since late high school, would be gone in a heartbeat if she cheated on me. she knows it too and i know it from my side.

cheating is a blatant disregard for the other person. it's a completely selfish act which is the result of not being happy in your main relationship. the problem is, people are just not 'man' enough to confront the issues. it's quite pathetic actually.

i could NEVER trust again. ever. i would rather end up being an old geezer without any relationships than be with someone who's a cheater.

couple across the street - hubbie cheated on the wife. even brought the girl he was nailing HOME. problem is...i'm home all the time too. i used to see them all the time and wondered what was going on. i finally had enough and one time, they were coming down the street and i had retrieved my kids soccer ball so i stood in the middle of the street and just stared them down as they came towards me, turned into the driveway and went into the garage. i stood there the entire time and we were eye to eye. i could tell they were uncomfortable.

the next day, the guy finally told his wife. guess he was scared i would say something. they took counselling and said it was repaired, but imho, their relationship seems more f*cked then ever - never go out anywhere together...always gone AND, the worst part? they have a 5 year old son. it's almost as if the mom is punishing the dad for his cheating by always leaving the son with the dad. she's never around. very selfish people. very sad too b/c the kid is a violent little guy and i know he's had learning issues (which they've somewhat dealt with).

makes me f'n angry if you can't tell. :) i know another couple who can not have children and are looking at international adoption (which is great for them), but these other people....they don't deserve a child.

so there....cheating is brutal and results in nothing.

Cheers,
Keebler
 
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Like others, I think I could forgive someone for cheating on me, but I don't believe I could stay with them. Cheating on someone indicates, I think, a profound change in one's feelings towards another that can't simply be written off as a one-time occurrence.

It doesn't mean that the person who cheated is necessarily a bad person - people change, feelings change. It's unfortunate, but a fact of life.
 
First hand I can say that you can't ever forget. You can attempt to convince yourself that you have forgiven....but you'll never forget.

I'm 40USD into a bottle of scotch, 20% because I like scotch and 78% because I think women are the single greatest horror I have ever known (and I'm sure they feel the same way about men). 2% is the complete joy in the fact that life will go on and tomorrow is another day, assuming I don't sleep tummy-down and suffocate myself on my pillow :rolleyes:

Oh, and 1% is because no matter how bad things get, there is always, ALWAYS, a light at the end of the tunnel. The trick in life is knowing how dim that light can get and having the strength to pull through the hard times.

So essentially, no.
 
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