Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

I'll spare you all the long story, but I was married once, and discovered my wife had a boyfriend at work, or was at least about to start an affair with him. I was pissed, but wanted to work it out. She didn't, and we got divorced. She dated the guy a while, but it quickly failed. She wanted to get back together again, but I was not interested. She would call every three to six months when she was single, and tease the idea of getting back together. I was dating other girls, and just kept up friendly conversation without taking her words too seriously.

Fast forward four years, and she calls. She's very emotional. I had been giving a lot of thought to the reality of relationships, and decided I could forgive her after all. When I told her this over the phone, a wailing cry louder than I've ever heard before tore my ear up over the phone as she completely lost it. She said she was sooooo sorry, et cetera, and we talked about trying again but it didn't happen.

Fast forward another four years to the present. We've been good friends, went snowboarding a couple times, but truly as friends... nothing physical. Every time one of us is single, the other is dating someone... yet neither of us have found that magic spark again like we felt for each other. We still talk about getting back together, but it still hasn't happened.

The point is, we have forgiven each other for the hurt we've caused each other, and it may return to a happy ending for us yet. It takes a lot of time, strength and soul-searching, but people can forgive each other.

"Cosmic Love" by Florence + The Machine is a song I relate to in context of this story of mine:

A falling star fell from your heart
And landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud as it tore through them
And now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You've left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heart beat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You've left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes
And then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
And I heard your heart beating
You were in the darkness, too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You've left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You've left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
 
acidfast7 said:
if they are hot, yes; otherwise, no.
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95672_hp182_122_20lo.jpg


If she looked like this I would forgive her ANYTHING.:D
 
shecky said:
which i think is fine and completely irrelevant (to me). WHY someone did it i could honestly care less about; the fact is if they did it, they are no longer a part of my life. if they are not satisfied with some part of the relationship, then talk about it, and if it does not get better, then end the relationship. i have a zero tolerance policy on infidelity.
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Nope.
WHY someone feels the need to seek attention elsewhere should be the one thing you DO need to know.
Yeah, maybe they are just an a$$hole but it may reveal something that YOU are or or not doing.
Except in rare cases where the other person is just a slut with no morals there will usually be something that the cheater feels you are not providing and it would be useful to know what that is or was so you don`t make the same mistakes in future relationships.

I`m not condoning it, just saying that if it`s happened to you, as it has to me, then you should get to the bottom of why if you can.

Personally, I forgave her, discovered what it was about me that made her stray and, after a 12 month break and plenty of soul-searching on both sides we got back together, got married and now have a beautiful daughter.
Please note: I did not change to suit her as that rarely works (if ever) I just stopped being a self-centered tool so the experience was both painful and valuable.

YMMV
 
I just don't know why you'd want to forget someone did that to you. They will do it again. Historically.
To forgive someone is to let it go for yourself. To give up the right you have for retaliation, according to a good sermon I heard once.
Don't forget it happened and set yourself up for failure. Work smarter. Not harder. ;-)
[doublepost=1506785179][/doublepost]I would and am trying to forgive him for me. Not for him. To forgive means to give up the right for retaliation.
I want to give up the idea that I'll never comprehend true love. I want to release myself from the insanity inside me saying I should have known, and since I didn't, it will happen again and therefore I can trust no one. It is not fair to me that I live with these insecurities. I have to forgive him so I can truly love forward. I can't give him any more of my time.

Help if you have a suggestion..
 
Guuuurl said:
I just don't know why you'd want to forget someone did that to you. They will do it again. Historically.
To forgive someone is to let it go for yourself. To give up the right you have for retaliation, according to a good sermon I heard once.
Don't forget it happened and set yourself up for failure. Work smarter. Not harder. ;-)
[doublepost=1506785179][/doublepost]I would and am trying to forgive him for me. Not for him. To forgive means to give up the right for retaliation.
I want to give up the idea that I'll never comprehend true love. I want to release myself from the insanity inside me saying I should have known, and since I didn't, it will happen again and therefore I can trust no one. It is not fair to me that I live with these insecurities. I have to forgive him so I can truly love forward. I can't give him any more of my time.

Help if you have a suggestion..
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Welcome! :)
I have some suggestions for you, since you are new here. If you are responding to someone in particular in a thread with over 300 replies, quote that post otherwise if we care, we have to figure out who you are addressing. ;)

In the second part, if you are talking about yourself, I think more backround info about you’re relationship is required.

And if you are going to reply to a 5 year old thread, it’s helpful to some people if you mention you realize this fact, and that the issue as stated by the OP maybe resolved by now. I typically mention thread ressurection.
 
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acidfast7 said:
if they are hot, yes; otherwise, no.
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lol ok... That was simple..

If they keep cheating regardless, you can keep forgiving them, and no one learns a lession...

Its like a forever ending roller coaster ride... At some stage, you wanna stop.
 
I don’t feel cheating is a mistake. You intentionally opened your legs or put your penis in someone else knowing full well you are in a monogamous relationship. I can forgive a unintentional mistake and let things slide but cheating is not one of them. You can make all the excuses you want that your weren’t getting the attention at home but that never justifies cheating. They are only sorry because they got caught or they cannot love with the guilt.
 
Probably not. Now if it was planned and discussed beforehand then that’s a diff story. Not for me though. I’m quite monogamous thank you.

Is this thread in response to a current president and a prozzy?
 
No.

As you can see, it was started a decade ago.

At the time, I had just joined MR and read the early pages with stunned fascination - I had no idea that people discussed this sort of stuff online.

Now, a decade later, I have just re-read the thread in its entirety. Fascinating.
 
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I have and it wasn’t easy. As mentioned above, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting but letting go the desire for retribution, i.e., not holding that act against them. That does not mean reconciling though that can happen but that in of itself is separate action

My 10 year marriage ended due to infidelity, I have long forgiven her but I’ve moved on and I’ve been blessed with meeting a truly wonderful woman and God has blessed me with two wonderful girls
 
maflynn said:
My 10 year marriage ended due to infidelity, I have long forgiven her but I’ve moved on and I’ve been blessed with meeting a truly wonderful woman and God has blessed me with two wonderful girls
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Good on you to bounce back! I had something similar happen to myself, and I know it's not easy.

And I agree with you about forgiving infidelity. The thing I can't do, though, is continue the relationship after something like that happens. I can be very flexible when things are discussed beforehand and mutually agreed upon, and actually have very few strict rules when it comes to relationships, but one thing I will not compromise on is trust. Is that even a noun? Well you get the idea.

So to answer the question, yes, I can forgive. But will I stay in a relationship with someone I can't fully trust? No.
 
If I were married and my spouse cheated on me, I know I do not have the capacity to get beyond it so - No, would be my answer.
 
Mefisto said:
The thing I can't do, though, is continue the relationship after something like that happens.
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We did try reconciliation but the obstacles were insurmountable, and in the end, I felt it best that I moved on from that marriage
 
maflynn said:
We did try reconciliation but the obstacles were insurmountable, and in the end, I felt it best that I moved on from that marriage
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Without obviously knowing any specifics, in the long run I'd imagine it was the best option for everyone involved. Staying in a relationship where one, or both parties harbor any sort of resentment towards one another is not healthy.
 
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