Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

[carbonmotion]

That's not usually why women cheat. Women will usually cheat because they are lacking something in their current situations. Usually it's when they feel alienated that they'll go out and seek that attention or desire for attraction elsewhere. It's so seldom an "I'm horny so I'm gonna screw someone else" thing (unless they really are a whore) It's almost always because they were not getting what they needed at home, so to speak.

I'm not sure if usually is the correct term here. I know so many of my female friends who cheat around and in my conversation with them, this is what I've found.

I think one of the reason is either the guy doesn't give her enough attention. Another cause is if the guy is too good to her and she just needs to find some guy who just want to b*ng the sh*t out of her and treat her like a piece of meat. For many women, being treated like such is either a turn on of sorts or alleviates them of whatever guilt/stress they have about many aspects of their lives. Cheating is for many women empowering.

My housemate in College was this beautiful half korea half spanish girl who grew up in Canada. Her boyfriend is this average looking white boy who you'd find playing on some high school football team in Arkansas. He did pretty much everything a good boyfriend in a hallmark movie would do, but she cheated on him on a weekly basis, probably because she feels like sex is the only way she can control men. How she came to that disposition is beyond me.

Anyways, its not right to label them as whores or sluts. That's over simplifying a complicated person with a particular psychological disposition. There are a complicated chain of causes which led them to being so, like childhood abuse, incest, rape, emotional trauma in high school. In most cases, they have borderline personality disorder and probably needs therapy. What they need is your sympathy not disgust.

That said, if you know what's good for you, you should never get involved with women like that.

 

[maestro55]

I have never been cheated on (that I know of) and I would never cheat on anyone so I have no personal experience but I would have to say that I probably would have a hard time forgiving a woman who cheated on me. I think though that it would be possible if her and I were just dating but if we were married than I couldn't see it really being possible. I am not religious and I don't care about the vows or oaths of marriage, but the very idea that if one is going to attempt to spend the rest of their life with someone they should be content enough in their relationship that they wouldn't feel the need to cheat.

Now mind you that I am one of those people who believe that relationships do evolve and people can stop loving each other. So if someone felt compelled to cheat on me I would want to be told and therefore I could arrange to get out of the relationship, because obviously if she is cheating she doesn't need/want me anymore. I could probably forgive her though if we were not married but the relationship would have to be strictly friends.

 

[ErikCLDR]

I wouldn't. Move on.

 

[leekohler]

Of course- people are human. If there's a problem, then it needs to be dealt with and talked about. But sometimes people just want a different flava, so to speak. Either way, it shouldn't be unforgivable.

 

[skunk]

The very term "cheating on" is probably part of the problem here. It is perfectly possible for one or both partners to have a brief relationship with someone else without depriving the other partner of whatever they might regard as their "dues". This discussion appears to have a very two-dimensional quality. You lot should loosen up.

 

[leekohler]

The very term "cheating on" is probably part of the problem here. It is perfectly possible for one or both partners to have a brief relationship with someone else without depriving the other partner of whatever they might regard as their "dues". This discussion appears to have a very two-dimensional quality. You lot should loosen up.

Agreed- and you know what else? The older I get, the less this kind of thing really matters.

 

[MarkCollette]

I don't really understand this concept of forgiving and forgetting being two independent things. Hell, I don't think I understand forgiving. All I can hope for, is to forget, when someone screws me over.

Please, for real, someone explain to me how one forgives? You know that the person did the thing to you, and it hurt you. And then maybe they felt sorry later. But they knew before-hand that it would hurt you, and still decided to do it anyhow, because they preferred the selfish benefit to themself. So, later, when there is no more benefit, and just maybe guilt, they feel bad. Good. What about that would lead to you wanting to forgive them? Because they learned a lesson? The lesson was obvious before-hand.

Ok, so let's say that however it is, you do want to forgive them. Ok, umm, how does one accomplish that? How do you sell that concept to your own brain? Like, you're not going to be able to trick it or anything. That's like convincing yourself that up is down, and battery acid tastes good.

No, my theory is that forgiveness is just a process of trying to push it out of your head, and replacing the feeling of being a victim, with the feeling of being holier than thou, or being in the right.

 

[leekohler]

I don't really understand this concept of forgiving and forgetting being two independent things. Hell, I don't think I understand forgiving. All I can hope for, is to forget, when someone screws me over.

Please, for real, someone explain to me how one forgives? You know that the person did the thing to you, and it hurt you. And then maybe they felt sorry later. But they knew before-hand that it would hurt you, and still decided to do it anyhow, because they preferred the selfish benefit to themself. So, later, when there is no more benefit, and just maybe guilt, they feel bad. Good. What about that would lead to you wanting to forgive them? Because they learned a lesson? The lesson was obvious before-hand.

Ok, so let's say that however it is, you do want to forgive them. Ok, umm, how does one accomplish that? How do you sell that concept to your own brain? Like, you're not going to be able to trick it or anything. That's like convincing yourself that up is down, and battery acid tastes good.

No, my theory is that forgiveness is just a process of trying to push it out of your head, and replacing the feeling of being a victim, with the feeling of being holier than thou, or being in the right.

Good Lord- someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Look at it this way- forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. When you let go of the hurt, jealousy and anger- you feel better. Don't try to replace those feelings with anything, simply let them go. They do you no good anyway. I'm not saying this doesn't take time, but it is a necessary thing to do unless you want to spend your life being angry. You'll get screwed over a lot more than once, my friend.

 

[Eric Piercey]

There is no 100% ownership in a relationship. To think this way is self-destructive. We love. We trust. Sometimes people falter. If I ever discover my wife has cheated on me the big question will be whether or not she loves me. Things change. People change. Also -and this is big, "cheating" being a euphemism for "sleeping around on," isn't the end all be all of betrayal. It's the lie that matters most. There's also a difference between a moment of passion and a continuing pattern. Many many variables.

Young people think in binary. A kiss can be a tear in the time/space continuum. It's all or nothing. The universe hinges on razor edges. Because someone kisses (or screws for the matter) someone doesn't diminish their love for you. As a matter of fact, it may enchance the love as they appreciate you more. Long term monogamous relationships are extremely difficult to maintain without near perfect compatibility, and that's not so easy to find.

Short answer, I can forgive a lot of things. Life is too precious to hold grudges. But heaven help the person who takes pleasure or profit in hurting me or my own. That's another offense altogether.

 

[leekohler]

There is no 100% ownership in a relationship. To think this way is self-destructive. We love. We trust. Sometimes people falter. If I ever discover my wife has cheated on me the big question will be whether or not she loves me. Things change. People change. Also -and this is big, "cheating" being a euphemism for "sleeping around on," isn't the end all be all of betrayal. It's the lie that matters most. There's also a difference between a moment of passion and a continuing pattern. Many many variables.

Young people think in binary. A kiss can be a tear in the time/space continuum. It's all or nothing. The universe hinges on razor edges. Because someone kisses (or screws for the matter) someone doesn't diminish their love for you. As a matter of fact, it may enchance the love as they appreciate you more. Long term monogamous relationships are extremely difficult to maintain without near perfect compatibility, and that's not so easy to find.

Short answer, I can forgive a lot of things. Life is too precious to hold grudges. But heaven help the person who takes pleasure or profit in hurting me or my own. That's another offense altogether.

Good response. I couldn't have said it better.

 

[MarkCollette]

Good Lord- someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Haha, well actually today's been a nice day

Look at it this way- forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. When you let go of the hurt, jealousy and anger- you feel better. Don't try to replace those feelings with anything, simply let them go. They do you no good anyway. I'm not saying this doesn't take time, but it is a necessary thing to do unless you want to spend your life being angry. You'll get screwed over a lot more than once, my friend.

Right, but how exactly does one give this gift to themselves?

I mean, I can understand that some people dismiss the other person's worth, as a means of devaluing the betrayal, along with the betrayer. That's how they get over it. But that's not forgiveness.

I've heard a lot of people in my life say how they should forgive someone, for emotional or spiritual reasons. But I just don't understand how.

 

[skunk]

No, my theory is that forgiveness is just a process of trying to push it out of your head, and replacing the feeling of being a victim, with the feeling of being holier than thou, or being in the right.

I am astounded by the lack of humility and self awareness in statements like these. You are drawing lines in the sand all over the desert of your soul. Do you imagine that infidelity can be so glibly defined? Jesus said a lot of wise things, one of the wisest being: "I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28 if you're interested). You are surely deceiving yourself if you believe that you are ever "in the right". We are all serial adulterers.

 

[leekohler]

Haha, well actually today's been a nice day



Right, but how exactly does one give this gift to themselves?

I mean, I can understand that some people dismiss the other person's worth, as a means of devaluing the betrayal, along with the betrayer. That's how they get over it. But that's not forgiveness.

I've heard a lot of people in my life say how they should forgive someone, for emotional or spiritual reasons. But I just don't understand how.

I already told you- you have to let the emotions go. It's the act of letting go of those emotions that really makes forgiveness. It doesn't happen right away, but it does happen. It's also the realization that the person who wronged you is also human and flawed, just like you.

 

[xUKHCx]

Good response. I couldn't have said it better.

+1

Don't think there is much to add to that as that is pretty much my exact thoughts.

 

[MarkCollette]

I am astounded by the lack of humility and self awareness in statements like these. You are drawing lines in the sand all over the desert of your soul. Do you imagine that infidelity can be so glibly defined? Jesus said a lot of wise things, one of the wisest being: "I say unto you, that every one that looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28 if you're interested). You are surely deceiving yourself if you believe that you are ever "in the right". We are all serial adulterers.

I wasn't trying to say that my inability to forgive is somehow better than whatever other people are doing. Just that I have always found it fascinating that other people seem to be able to do this thing that I can't grasp. I think that conveying that here, in public, is showing humility. And I think that it takes a certain degree of self-awareness to be able to address limitations like that.

I'm not saying that I'm "in the right" either. I too have struggled with some desire to cheat, in the past. Part of me not knowing how to forgive another, is not knowing why someone would forgive me. The only experiences I've had, with someone cheating on me, was me feeling really crappy about myself, confused as to why they did it, wondering what I did wrong to make them want to, and if they even cared about me at all, etc. I've just noticed how other people have responded differently (at least publically), and am trying to see how that all fits into forgiveness.

I already told you- you have to let the emotions go. It's the act of letting go of those emotions that really makes forgiveness. It doesn't happen right away, but it does happen. It's also the realization that the person who wronged you is also human and flawed, just like you.

Hmm, this probably ties into what a woman wrote above, where she probably can't forgive others because she can't forgive herself. I always look back at mistakes I've made, and feel regret, or stupid about them, etc. In time it kind of fades as I forget, or as new things become more relevant. It's not about holding people to any higher standard than myself. I know that I hold people to a lower standard, since I'm way harder on myself than anyone else.

Oh well, this is probably just sounding dumb or frustrating to others, so I should let it go. I just don't get this "letting go of emotions" thing.

 

[leekohler]

Hmm, this probably ties into what a woman wrote above, where she probably can't forgive others because she can't forgive herself. I always look back at mistakes I've made, and feel regret, or stupid about them, etc. In time it kind of fades as I forget, or as new things become more relevant. It's not about holding people to any higher standard than myself. I know that I hold people to a lower standard, since I'm way harder on myself than anyone else.

Oh well, this is probably just sounding dumb or frustrating to others, so I should let it go. I just don't get this "letting go of emotions" thing.

Well, you'll get it eventually. Here's a smooch to make you feel better.

 

[skunk]

I wasn't trying to say that my inability to forgive is somehow better than whatever other people are doing. Just that I have always found it fascinating that other people seem to be able to do this thing that I can't grasp. I think that conveying that here, in public, is showing humility. And I think that it takes a certain degree of self-awareness to be able to address limitations like that.

I'm not saying that I'm "in the right" either. I too have struggled with some desire to cheat, in the past. Part of me not knowing how to forgive another, is not knowing why someone would forgive me. The only experiences I've had, with someone cheating on me, was me feeling really crappy about myself, confused as to why they did it, wondering what I did wrong to make them want to, and if they even cared about me at all, etc. I've just noticed how other people have responded differently (at least publically), and am trying to see how that all fits into forgiveness.

I'm sorry if I was using your response as an example: my response was not aimed specifically at you. I agree that the very fact that you are addressing your questions here shows a willingness to engage which is already positive. Much depends on the character of your relationship to your SO and your estimation of your own worth. Sometimes it's just a question of allowing a little space.

 

[ErikCLDR]

I think that your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner is your companion in life. If they are not loyal to you then it destroys what you are together.

I dunno, thats just my philosophy. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out.

 

[true777]

I thought I could forgive, but the reality is that things would never be the same -- the trust would be gone, and without it the relationship would be worthless.

I have an ex bf who cheated on me and who would love to get back together with me. He still has all the qualities I loved about him in the first place, but I only feel sorry for him at this point and could never take him seriously anymore, let alone trust or love him. He betrayed me with his pathetic need to sleep around, and he mocked our relationship by doing so. It's basically not forgivable, and he needs to look elsewhere.

I told him "find someone else to make unhappy and leave me alone".

 

[LethalWolfe]

And if you find somebody you like more, then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Pet peeve here, but I just go "ugh" every time I hear someone say that. It's up there w/"God's will" as the ultimate cop-out phrase, IMO.


More on topic, could I forgive someone for cheating? Probably, but it would definitely end the relationship. W/that being said if both people agree to a more "open" relationship (like in Lee's case) I'm totally fine w/that. I've done that in past and my relationship w/m SO was better because of it. It comes down to trust and communication. If my SO is unhappy enough to want to be w/someone else but doesn't trust me enough to talk about it than that's the crux of the issue, IMO.


Lethal

 

[cleanup]

I have to say that I probably couldn't.

Which is awful because i've done it before.

 

[spoon man]

yeah well ive just split up with my girlfriend after nearly 5 year because i found out she was cheating on me for 4 months . I really dont know how people can do it i never have and never will do its really messed me about but ill keep my chin up and focus on my band and im getting ready to move and keep my mind off the matter .

 

[wimic]

what an appropriate thread... i've been asking myself this question for a few weeks now.

i think everyone is capable of cheating and the sooner one realizes that, the sooner you'll be able to forgive someone who's done it to you.

a bit of background:
my boyfriend (of 2 years) and i broke up about 4 months ago. to make a long story short, he wasn't over his ex and i knew it (he's with her again now... go figure!). i never turned my head at another guy when we were together and i was never tempted to cheat on him.

i now have a FWB arrangement with a good friend of mine (who i've known for 7-8 years) and am dating a new guy who is everything that i want. on paper, we're perfect for eachother. the sad and pathetic thing is, i can't help myself when it comes to my FWB. this new guy and i have been "exclusive" for a few weeks now and i still find myself giving in when my FWB calls. it's like an addiction... like my emotions are AWOL or something.

after being in a relationship where i felt betrayed and unwanted, you would think that i would have enough sense to do anything in my power to prevent anyone from feeling the pain that i felt... and i don't WANT to hurt my new guy... but i just can't stop it.

i really (REALLY) don't want to be that person... you know... the kind of person who does that. but what do you do when your conscience doesn't kick in when it's supposed to?

 

[skunk]

what an appropriate thread... i've been asking myself this question for a few weeks now.

i think everyone is capable of cheating and the sooner one realizes that, the sooner you'll be able to forgive someone who's done it to you.

Precisely. The world's most often-spoken lie: "Oh, I could never do that."

 

[Silencio]

I told him "find someone else to make unhappy and leave me alone".

I wish more women shared that kind of determination. That would cut down on the number of cheating men pretty dramatically IMO.

Pet peeve here, but I just go "ugh" every time I hear someone say that. It's up there w/"God's will" as the ultimate cop-out phrase, IMO.

Yes, there are lots of fascinating and attractive people out there. You can't sleep with 'em all, let alone have soul-baring conversations over a good bottle of Pinot Noir with all of them. I hate to sound like a Robert Frost poem, but sometimes you have to trust that you chose the right fork in the road. Sure, if there's a giant impassible sinkhole in the path before you, you ought to get off that road and find another one, but still...

i now have a FWB arrangement with a good friend of mine (who i've known for 7-8 years) and am dating a new guy who is everything that i want. on paper, we're perfect for eachother. the sad and pathetic thing is, i can't help myself when it comes to my FWB. this new guy and i have been "exclusive" for a few weeks now and i still find myself giving in when my FWB calls. it's like an addiction... like my emotions are AWOL or something.

As much as I disapprove of cheating, I can understand why you're acting this way. You were hurt by your previous relationship and it sounds like you're still working through it, at least subconsciously. Repeating bad behaviors is definitely not the answer. It sounds like you have a lot of relationships you need to take the time to honestly assess: your previous one, your FWB, and the guy you're currently dating.

I also think a lot of people don't spend enough time alone, getting more in touch with themselves and their own feelings and emotions. Quite a few of my old friends jumped from relationship to relationship for years with barely a pause in between, and I thought that was kind of weirdly unhealthy. I always wanted good relationships and never wanted to be with someone just to avoid being alone, which meant I actually did spend a lot of time alone. In the end, it worked out great for me, but YMMV.