Caught my 13 year old brother looking at porn...

[Lau]

But, I do know that I need to have a talk with him, and be the older brother, not my dad.

Definitely, and I'm sure that having you to ask the things he'd never ask anyone else is a great thing. Even if he's embarrassed at the time, it'll mean he knows he can come to you with any questions or problems later on.

 

[72930]

What was your stance with porn at his age?

IMO you shouldn't say anything if you think he is intelligent to work out for himself that porn is fantasy. It can be the most awkward thing in the world, and if its not done right then it can be a huge dent in your relationship.

 

[Felldownthewell]

13 is a pretty common age to be looking at porn, if only for hormonal reasons. Also, to think that looking at porn is simply to "see what the female body looks like" is a bit naive. He is looking at it to see what sex is. I know that my friends who had absent parents or loud older siblings knew what a condom and a blowjob were in 4th grade. He is probably curious about the things his friends are telling him and about the things he sees on TV, and that is perfectly natural.

However, age 13 is a bit young to fully comprehend the porn industry, and you definitely need to talk to him, if only to impart that porn is pure fantasy (he will never have a hot teacher/maid/doctor seduce him, as the e-mails I often get would suggest), and that violence and degridation of women is wrong. (Interestingly enough, porn has always been an industry in which the female has made more than the male). Be sure to point out that there is some pretty twisted stuff out there, and that a lot of it is illegal. (If you tell him to not go to those sites he will go just because he is curious- if you tell him it is illegal he will be scared to go). Also, warn him away from P2P porn, and make sure he isn't borrowing anyones credit cards for pay sites (doubtful, but I'm sure it has happened to someone).

Other than that, as you said, be the big brother, not the dad, he is far more likely to listen to you that way. Also, if he asks you if you looked at porn at his age, be honest. If he is feeling anything, it is probably embarasment, and possibly feeling weired, as porn isn't something usually discused among friends, he could feel like he is the only person looking at porn and therefore a pervert and that there is something wrong with him. Tell him that it is natural, and tell him if he ever needs to talk to someone with an issue he can't talk to his mother about, you are there for him.

You are a good big brother for being so protective (in a good way!), and I hope it al works out.

 

[bousozoku]

...
Here's the thing, he's going to look at it no matter what I do, whether he does it at a friends house or what. I don't think he's looking at porn to do what people normally do when they look at porn. I think he is just curious as to what a naked girl looks like.

Unfortunately, my first instinct was to delete the movie... it was some amateur movie that didn't really show much. But, I do know that I need to have a talk with him, and be the older brother, not my dad.

But thanks for all the advice, and I'd love to hear more.

Yes, you can't put a stopper in it. It's going to happen somewhere, sometime.

I can imagine you being there on the computer as he walks into the room and you saying "Wow, little bro, look at this. I can't believe that Apple put this on the computer."

However, you're better off just mentioning it without using disguises and veiled words, and saying "if you have any questions, let me know." It will be minimally embarrassing and if you leave it alone right away, it probably won't turn into a problem. If you get started right then, it'll turn into a fight and then, your mum will end up being involved and it will be a major embarrassment for him.

 

[beatsme]

eh...I'd lean towards not letting him know you found it, since he might see it as a violation of his privacy, which would tend to outweigh whatever useful counseling/advice you might give him (or so I think)

but having said that, I'd at least try to have some kind of discussion with him...

 

[spicyapple]

Ugh, it's great you want to be his "cool" bigger brother and all, but if I caught my brother watching porn at age 13, I would have given him a good, long smacking.

You have to assert it is NOT OK to be looking at porn at such a young age. Delete the porn off the computer, and punish him with restricted access.

I've seen kids at age 11 smoking when I was in elementary school. Usually if you don't correct bad behaviour, it gets worse as the child grows older. You really do need to set an example.

 

[72930]

Ugh, it's great you want to be his "cool" bigger brother and all, but if I caught my brother watching porn at age 13, I would have given him a good, long smacking.

You have to assert it is NOT OK to be looking at porn at such a young age. Delete the porn off the computer, and punish him with restricted access.

I've seen kids at age 11 smoking when I was in elementary school. Usually if you don't correct bad behaviour, it gets worse as the child grows older. You really do need to set an example.

I disagree. I have had friends who do watch porn, and do not. I (and most friends) am 15. I have seen people turn to drugs who don't look at porn, and people turn to drugs who do. I see no correlation between porn and other bad behavior. In fact, I do not think that watching porn is bad behavior...

Also, this is the guy's brother. He has (probably) had a tough year already, what with his dad's death and anything, he needs a kind big brother, not a replacement father...

ADDITION: Spicyapple, when do you think is an appropriate age to watch porn? Do 13 year olds not know the difference between fantasy and reality (I certainly knew that those girls weren't enjoying it really when I was 13), if that is the case, do you wish for more age limits on violent films and videogames?

 

[someguy]

Ugh, it's great you want to be his "cool" bigger brother and all, but if I caught my brother watching porn at age 13, I would have given him a good, long smacking.

You have to assert it is NOT OK to be looking at porn at such a young age. Delete the porn off the computer, and punish him with restricted access.

I've seen kids at age 11 smoking when I was in elementary school. Usually if you don't correct bad behaviour, it gets worse as the child grows older. You really do need to set an example.

Um. Are you serious?

I think making him feel like he's done something wrong (which he hasn't) is Step 1 in the handyman's guide to messing up the otherwise healthy and completely normal maturing process that is taking place here.

All this kid needs, like anyone else his age, is for someone he looks up to who is mature and responsible to explain to him what he is seeing before his friends or anyone else give him the wrong ideas.

Punishing him would be just about the worst way to handle this.

 

[MBHockey]

Absolutely -- the worst way.

He hasn't done anything wrong. He's 13, that's what, 8th grade? One more year he'll be in high school probably engaging in sexual activity, not just looking at it.

This is a perfectly natural time (IMHO) to be looking at porn and being interested in sex stuff. Hell, i remember when i was in 4th grade i got caught with Playboy cards.

 

[someguy]

Ugh, it's great you want to be his "cool" bigger brother and all, but if I caught my brother watching porn at age 13, I would have given him a good, long smacking.

I also want to say that it's not about being the "cool bigger brother". I mean it is, but not because of the fact that lil' bro would think you are cool. It's about letting him know that he has someone he can confide in. Someone he can talk to, that has been there, and that he can look up to and trust to tell him the truth and treat him like an equal. It's important that he isn't left feeling like he's done something wrong and that he is "just a kid" or "too young".

How can he be too young if he is naturally having these feelings and curiosities? I'm sorry you don't like it, spicyapple, but it isn't up to you when another person is ready, it is up to them.

 

[skunk]

Ugh, it's great you want to be his "cool" bigger brother and all, but if I caught my brother watching porn at age 13, I would have given him a good, long smacking.

And so the cycle of sex and violence continues for yet another generation. Good Plan.

 

[bartelby]

And so the cycle of sex and violence continues for yet another generation. Good Plan.

Just what I was thinking!

 

[72930]

How can he be too young if he is naturally having these feelings and curiosities? I'm sorry you don't like it, spicyapple, but it isn't up to you when another person is ready, it is up to them.

Well said...I felt a bit embarrassed about watching porn as I started at only 11 years old (BTW here in England, a chav is expected to at least have got to second base by then), I even deleted my history when friends came over. I felt much more comfortable when I found porn on my friend's computer at age 13.

 

[Leareth]

There is a reason why you have to be over 18 to buy or look at pornography

a 13 year old or even an "experienced" 17 year old should not be looking at porn as a form of entertainment.
It set unrealistic perceptions and expectations to everyone.
Get some real life experience and talk to people rather than basing it of a fantasy...

I don't think there are many women who enjoy getting smacked on the face with a penis and creamed on but the porn industry makes that look like its standard. as a young impressionable person he or she would think that is how it is suppossed to be.
Most young women learn how to fake an orgasm before they ever have a real one. Why ? because the expectation is that they should have one every time, exactly when the guy is about done, if they dont the guy is unhappy...

 

[miloblithe]

Tell him to vary his technique, use both his right and left hand, etc. Tell him porn is almost uniformly unrealistic. Tell him why. Let him ask any questions. Give him some privacy.

 

[72930]

There is a reason why you have to be over 18 to buy or look at pornography

a 13 year old or even an "experienced" 17 year old should not be looking at porn as a form of entertainment.
It set unrealistic perceptions and expectations to everyone.
Get some real life experience and talk to people rather than basing it of a fantasy...

Who says he does not have real life experience?

Who says he is watching porn where women are demeaned by men, and not for example, how should I put it, a woman's 'self service'.

 

[FleurDuMal]

I think the most important thing would be not to start from the presupposition that he's stupid (and you knowing him better than anyone else does, obviously knows that already). When I was 13 and looking at porn, I knew that it wasn't reality. I knew that it was made by men and woman being paid to pretend their having a good time, and that what I was watching on the screen did not constitute the entirety of male/female relationships.

His views on women will be formulated by the 99% of his life lived in the real world - his interactions with his mum, teachers, friends, etc - not the 1% spent infront of a computer. The idea that he'll have a perverted sense of female sexuality because he watches porn is nonesense imo - and if its not nonesense, then the way female sexuality is presented in most pop videos, adverts and television programmes is just as harmful as what is seen in porn. In fact, such example may be even worse as they're more likely to be presented as occupying 'reality', and porn is strictly and explicitly confined to 'fantasy'.

 

[FleurDuMal]

There is a reason why you have to be over 18 to buy or look at pornography

Yes, and they're mainly based on moralistic arguments than actual harm suffered (regardless of the validity of any harm-based argument).

The prudes at the Daily Mail and the hypocryts at The Sun wouldn't be happy if they lowered age of consent for porn, regardless of any potential benefit, and thus it will never even be debated by serious politicians, never mind implemented.

 

[72930]

Yes, and they're mainly based on moralistic arguments than actual harm suffered (regardless of the validity of any harm-based argument).

The prudes at the Daily Mail and the hypocryts at The Sun wouldn't be happy if they lowered age of consent for porn, regardless of any potential benefit, and thus it will never even be debated by serious politicians, never mind implemented.

The problem is idiots...

That one brainless guy who, to use a previous example, slaps his girlfriend on the face with his jewels while calling her his bitch.

If you think your brother is clever enough, and better yet if he has female friends, then you do not have a problem...

 

[calculus]

Okay, well... I didn't walk in on him, but i found it on the computer... (it's a communal computer, but he's the only one that uses it).

he tried to hide the movies under the music folder (not too sneaky) and he didn't erase his browser history...

What made you go looking on his computer in the first place?

I'm not convinced that you need do anything at this point, just give him his privacy. 'Porn' covers a whole range of stuff so it's hard to say in what way, if at all, you should talk to him about this.

 

[Scarlet Fever]

most of the time, porn doesn't damage people. I reckon around 95% of boys/men looked at porn when they were underage, and if all of them were damaged from it, the world would be a different place to what it is now.

Sexual urges are a normal part of being a human. Denying them is a very old rule which has often created more problems than it solved; look how many priests have gotten in trouble for sexual molestation when their superiors made sex a sin.

for your situation, maybe leave this thread open on the desktop to see what people are saying about it.

maybe also buy him a mag with a note saying 'don't let your mum see this'

 

[twistedlegato]

I dont watch porn, and i am his age (13). I hear kids talk about it at school, and though it does make me curious to actually see it, I always try and back out.

I want to acomplish abstinence or chastity (same thing), i feel that porn might make me want to real thing. It might want your brother want it too. I would cut it off from him. Tell me that i know your curious but just wait until you are older.

And by the way abstinence is part of my religion, so it is required, but it is still extremmely difficult to go through, not that i am tempted to have sex, i just think its peer pressure that makes it feel hard to do.

Tell him to make a good group of friends, ones that are not porn liking, and tell him to try and keep away from porn and sex until he is at an older age.

I think my advise might help because it is comoming from a fellow 13 year old!


EDIT: People are thinking i can never have sex in my religion! NOT TRUE! I just have to wait until i am married

 

[72930]

I dont watch porn, and i am his age (13). I hear kids talk about it at school, and though it does make me curious to actually see it, I always try and back out.

I want to acomplish abstinence or chastity (same thing), i feel that porn might make me want to real thing. It might want your brother want it too. I would cut it off from him. Tell me that i know your curious but just wait until you are older.

And by the way abstinence is part of my religion, so it is required, but it is still extremmely difficult to go through, not that i am tempted to have sex, i just think its peer pressure that makes it feel hard to do.

Tell him to make a good group of friends, ones that are not porn liking, and tell him to try and keep away from porn and sex until he is at an older age.

I think my advise might help because it is comoming from a fellow 13 year old!

What religion is this?

Was it your choice to keep away from porn?

What would be so bad about porn making you want the real thing?

 

[someguy]

What would be so bad about porn making you want the real thing?

Because sex is evil!

 

[swingerofbirch]

I was probably 12-13 when I started looking at porn online--it does take something away from you too quickly--it's not like the 1950s where you might find a playboy and the extent of the pornography is somewhat limited.

I never thought I would say this--as I am very liberal--but if I had kids I don't think I would let them have computers in their rooms at such a young age. I did--and it led to pornography and too much too young. I can't believe what a prude I sound like now (I'm 24). I'm sure my parents didn't know any better, as at the time, widespread Internet usage wasn't as common, people didn't talk about the dangers of kids and the Internet as they do now, and I was like the computer geek, not someone would have suspected of using the computer for porn. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with pornography though.

But porn viewing and addiction can become a sad thing. And at 13 you have so many possibilities!