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Complicated issue involving my roommate assignment...thoughts?
- Thread starter afultz075
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There are gay bars in Idaho??? Who knew...
Ha ha!
Yeah, there's a few in my town. Of course I live in the capital city and it's quite a bit more liberal than most of the state. Still VERY conservative, but just not as much as the rest.
I know everyone here has been anxious for my reply. What I saw that really freaked me out I guess was the picture of this guy embracing a barely-clad male stripper and of him and his buddies sitting nude in a hot tub (covering their groins to make it myspace-safe).
I know some of you are probably thinking that i'm an ignorant homophobe. I honestly do not hate gay people. I don't run away from gays if I see them walking on the same side of the street as me and I have no problem telling the openly gay cashier at Wal-Mart to "have a nice day." But am I such a horrible person to say that i'm uncomfortable living with someone of that lifestyle?
I don't think I mentioned this before, but this will be my freshmen year of college.
I know some of you are probably thinking that i'm an ignorant homophobe. I honestly do not hate gay people. I don't run away from gays if I see them walking on the same side of the street as me and I have no problem telling the openly gay cashier at Wal-Mart to "have a nice day." But am I such a horrible person to say that i'm uncomfortable living with someone of that lifestyle?
I don't think I mentioned this before, but this will be my freshmen year of college.
Are all gays 'openly gay' and fit a stereotype or do some look and act just like you? Just a question to ponder.
Like its been said before, and to which I can attest to, college is about starting a second chapter of your life, learning new things, and experiencing new things every day. Not saying you are a homophobe, but simply saying have a nice day to the cashier doesn't exactly put you on our side, so to speak. I'm sure he's thinking the same thing, " man I hope I don't get stuck living with some homo loathing breeder." Like others have said, find him on AIM or send him a message on myspace and start talking to him. Don't write him off simply because he's gay and likes to have a good time with friends. Both of you are in the same boat as far as being freshmen at college so he's just as worried as you are. Give it a shot. If things don't go well, you THEN have a reason to switch rooms on the basis of not getting along, not just because he's gay. Tolerance and understanding can only make you a better person, and this world needs those kind of people. There's already enough ignorant conservative redneck S.o.B.'s as it is.
Hopefully I didn't come off as demeaning, for that was not my objective. Just have an open mind...
First, keep in mind that pics on myspace/facebook often aren't people in their everyday existence. Openly gay people don't treat everyday like it's a gay pride parade. He's not likely to have strippers or naked friends coming over every night (and I doubt your dorm even has a hot tub).
That you are a little uncomfortable with this situation is probably normal, everyone is a little nervous about getting along with their freshman year roommate. And, as I provided in the examples above, there are tons of horror stories of roommates from hell that didn't have sexual preference, religion or race as an issue.
Like I suggested earlier, try to contact him and talk things over. I'm assuming he is a freshman also and probably is more nervous about how his roommate will react to him. If he sounds like a cool guy, give him a chance. If he sounds like a jerk (and just happens to be gay), then try to get a roommate change.
Concerning the pictures, personally, I certainly wouldn't consider them scary.
And for the rest... Lots of people you know (straight) do worse things quite often, within the intimacy of their homes or their lovers' homes. It's just that you don't know about it.
An anecdote: In this high school I've talked before, the accountant was a small, fat man, in his late fifties. Not very attractive, married to a horrid woman twice his size (he lived near the high school, so we'd often see them). My gay friend had a weird job. He used to offer his services as a master of sadomasochistic sessions to other people in exchange of money. It wasn't actual prostitution, as there weren't actual sexual intercourses involved, but, for the usual sex standards, it definitely fit the "hardcore" category.
You guess what comes next... One of his clients turned out to be the accountant, who, behind his facade, actually liked bondage, S/M, and other practices involving hot wax I won't talk about. And he was straight... weird, but straight
Back to the thread, it's true that openly gay people often get, well, very open about it once they get out of the closet. You'll often find this attitude between 17 and 23 years old, I'd say.
And don't expect my admiration for saying "have a nice day" to a gay. It can get some time to get used to it, and that's all.
About posting it on mySpace, you bet if I had pictures of me in a tub with a bunch of nude girls I'd do the same! I'd even make it my avatar!
So he might be gay....big deal. It's not like he's going to try to do anything to you. I never did understand why some people just assume that gay people are going to hit on them and bang them. Straight guys love women just as much as gay guys love men, and you don't see all of us straight guys trying to f**k every hot woman we see (well, we're thinking about it, but as long as thoughts don't turn into words or actions, we're OK
)Besides, you might switch, get a straight roommate, and wish you had the gay guy (or at least someone else). Of the 3 roommates I've had in college, 1 was a complete jackass, and 1 just played WoW 24/7 and never showered. Smelly came as a result of Jackass pledging a frat and moving out. When I found out jackass was moving out, I was so happy. But as it turns out, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
Exactly; this is a good point. afultz, if your roommate were straight and had pics of him and his buddies at a strip club, or getting a lap dance, would you be as freaked out? I think it's just weird (for some people) to see that sort of thing with people of different sexual orientation, even if they've gotten used to it in the context of their own. And let's face it, when it comes to sex, people (of any orientation) can do some pretty crazy stuff! But, afultz, understand that there's nothing too crazy/disturbing about what you've told us about your roommate, I mean I'm not much into strippers myself but to each their own. I'd say give him a chance, he could be a great guy.
just a quick question, when you signed up for rooming, did it ask if you preffered a homo or hetero roommate? but anyway, if you already feel uncomfortable, i dont think it would be worth following through and giving it a shot, because if you change your mind after you move in, its only going to create and awkward situation for the both of you.
but also something to look at in this situation is that he is in fact openly gay. Would you rather have him be closeted and always keeping you guessing? plus he will be bringing over hot lady friends who might want a guy who they could actually have a chance with. hah. if you do infact go through with it, it could open your eyes to a lot more in life, and learn to be more accepting and understanding of peoples ways of life.
and aslo something to keep in mind, sexual orientation isn't a choice like many people think it is. theres no specific day where you decide what sex youre going to be attracted to for the rest of your life.
edit: ive been reading more of the posts, and i dont feel that this is a case of homophobia or anything, theres just a line that is just uncomfortable to cross with someone, whether its their personailty, sexuality, religion, shape, size, whatever. and living with someone across that line could be really awkward and might ruin your entire freshman year. so make the changes you need to in order to make things easier. it would benefit the guy too. no one can love everyone.
(im also entering college this year as a freshman. im gay and i decided to get an apartment on my own to avoid rooming situations that id be uncomfortable with.)
but also something to look at in this situation is that he is in fact openly gay. Would you rather have him be closeted and always keeping you guessing? plus he will be bringing over hot lady friends who might want a guy who they could actually have a chance with. hah. if you do infact go through with it, it could open your eyes to a lot more in life, and learn to be more accepting and understanding of peoples ways of life.
and aslo something to keep in mind, sexual orientation isn't a choice like many people think it is. theres no specific day where you decide what sex youre going to be attracted to for the rest of your life.
edit: ive been reading more of the posts, and i dont feel that this is a case of homophobia or anything, theres just a line that is just uncomfortable to cross with someone, whether its their personailty, sexuality, religion, shape, size, whatever. and living with someone across that line could be really awkward and might ruin your entire freshman year. so make the changes you need to in order to make things easier. it would benefit the guy too. no one can love everyone.
(im also entering college this year as a freshman. im gay and i decided to get an apartment on my own to avoid rooming situations that id be uncomfortable with.)
Yeah, I feel more sorry for him. He's probably worried he'll end up living with a westboro baptist church member, or worse, will have the same fate as Matthew Shepard.
If I were the OP, I'd keep him as a roommate just because I know, that even if it may be a bit uncomfortable, I'd be able to handle it just fine, and that if I switched and the gay guy got placed somewhere else, his college life could end up being a living hell. He's probably more scared and uncomfortable than you are right now, and you should, out of kindness, do what you can to make him feel welcome
swingerofbirch
macrumors 68040
As someone who was not openly gay when I was a college freshman, it was uncomfortable living with any guy, but it was more uncomfortable knowing the guy I was living with had a belief set that would have excluded my orientation as moral. Gay guys don't want to live with other guys who don't want to live with them.
Believe me in saying gay males do not derive pleasure out of living with straight males, as if it were some fantasy to be a fly on the wall. I would have been much more comfortable in a single or living with a girl (which my college did not allow at the time but now does).
I think for HIS sake, you should ask yourself whether it's going to be a problem for you, can you imagine going a year without it coming up as a problem? If you can't then I think you owe it to HIM to request a transfer.
Believe me in saying gay males do not derive pleasure out of living with straight males, as if it were some fantasy to be a fly on the wall. I would have been much more comfortable in a single or living with a girl (which my college did not allow at the time but now does).
I think for HIS sake, you should ask yourself whether it's going to be a problem for you, can you imagine going a year without it coming up as a problem? If you can't then I think you owe it to HIM to request a transfer.
I defiantly fit into that (as of recently)
No more donating plasma for me... (well I can still, but chose not too)
So if it had been a straight guy with pictures of himself with a female stripper, and in a hot tub with a bunch of topless chicks, would you still be creeped out?
I'm sorry, but if that is what is creeping you out, you're straight up homophobic. He's gay, he's young, he likes sex. Don't you like sexy girls? wouldn't you like to be in a hot tub with a bunch of topless chicks? He has pictures of doing exactly what college guys do - party and hang out with people they're sexually attracted to.
You made it sound like he was mutilating squirrels or something.
I'm sorry, but if that is what is creeping you out, you're straight up homophobic. He's gay, he's young, he likes sex. Don't you like sexy girls? wouldn't you like to be in a hot tub with a bunch of topless chicks? He has pictures of doing exactly what college guys do - party and hang out with people they're sexually attracted to.
You made it sound like he was mutilating squirrels or something.
I'm currently waiting for my room assignment, and although I have nothing against gay people, I do hope I get a straight one just for the sake of avoiding this whole sort of situation.
Never mind broadening your horizons and such. I'm sure I'll meet gay people in my time at college. The simple fact remains, however, that it seems to me trouble may arise if I live in such close proximity with a gay guy. Not because I am sure to be weird about it, or he is sure to hit on me, or anything like that, but the simple fact of, "What if?" There's always the chance I will never get over it (then maybe I am a little homophobic), or the chance that he is a stereotypical gay guy who is too forward with his sexuality.
While it's true that the OP might want to embrace the situation, it's entirely OK for him to feel uncomfortable about it. That doesn't make him homophobic. Not yet, at least. So stop accusing him as such.
Never mind broadening your horizons and such. I'm sure I'll meet gay people in my time at college. The simple fact remains, however, that it seems to me trouble may arise if I live in such close proximity with a gay guy. Not because I am sure to be weird about it, or he is sure to hit on me, or anything like that, but the simple fact of, "What if?" There's always the chance I will never get over it (then maybe I am a little homophobic), or the chance that he is a stereotypical gay guy who is too forward with his sexuality.
While it's true that the OP might want to embrace the situation, it's entirely OK for him to feel uncomfortable about it. That doesn't make him homophobic. Not yet, at least. So stop accusing him as such.
"what if" what?!?
And yes, it does make him homophobic. If it was a straight guy, or a female, would he be saying the same things? What is the different between a gay man hitting on him, or a woman he doesn't find attractive? If it was a straight woman who was boisterous and forward with her female straightness, would that be equally offensive.
This thread is ridiculous.
That's true, but he would never receive a female as a roommate, not in his first year a college in a dorm, at least.
And I'm saying, what if he doesn't ever get over it? Then yes, he finds that he is homophobic, much more than he ever thought he was. I would be just as uncomfortable with a female bringing guys over as I would with a gay guy bringing guys over. I suppose the "not getting over it" and "forward with sexuality" things go hand in hand.
All I'm saying is, he's not necessarily homophobic just because he's uncomfortable with it. I'd be awkward and uncomfortable around a female roommate as well. Not because I have anything against them, just that I'm not used to living so intimately with them (unless it's my girlfriend/you're in a relationship with the person). I suppose with time I would get used to rooming with a female or a gay male, as but at this stage I'd still be apprehensive.
[Edit] I suppose that personally, there's a difference between 'uncomfortable' and 'homophobic.' Homophobic seems a bit extreme to me.
i dont want to start something stupid. but some of the things people are saying are getting me heated. i can think if four stereotypical types of gay people. what were you implying?
I'm going to recommend, as strongly as possible, that you don't switch, and it has nothing to do with your future roommate's lifestyle...
Chances are you filled out a rooming slip, with various preferences for music/sleeping hours/level of cleanliness/social life/smoking/drinking etc. In my experience, the school is very good at pairing people based on their results for the rooming slip but if you change after being assigned, they'll pair you randomly.
My friend (who probably wouldn't be my friend if he hadn't switched into the room next door to me a couple of weeks before school started), switched because he didn't like the dorm he was assigned to. Unfortunately, he gave up a roommate who probably would have matched his requirements for cleanliness (borderline OCD spic n' span), but instead he got paired with a smelly, dirty bisexual (no gay-best-friend babes )computer engineering major who didn't brush his teeth, only wore jean shorts and would have cybersex at night once he thought his roommate was asleep. The room was split in halves, one half was a big pile of circuit board prototypes, computer bits, cardboard boxes and dirty laundry, the other was absolutely spotless. Great match they were!
Chances are you filled out a rooming slip, with various preferences for music/sleeping hours/level of cleanliness/social life/smoking/drinking etc. In my experience, the school is very good at pairing people based on their results for the rooming slip but if you change after being assigned, they'll pair you randomly.
My friend (who probably wouldn't be my friend if he hadn't switched into the room next door to me a couple of weeks before school started), switched because he didn't like the dorm he was assigned to. Unfortunately, he gave up a roommate who probably would have matched his requirements for cleanliness (borderline OCD spic n' span), but instead he got paired with a smelly, dirty bisexual (no gay-best-friend babes
)computer engineering major who didn't brush his teeth, only wore jean shorts and would have cybersex at night once he thought his roommate was asleep. The room was split in halves, one half was a big pile of circuit board prototypes, computer bits, cardboard boxes and dirty laundry, the other was absolutely spotless. Great match they were! I'm going to recommend, as strongly as possible, that you don't switch, and it has nothing to do with your future roommate's lifestyle...
Chances are you filled out a rooming slip, with various preferences for music/sleeping hours/level of cleanliness/social life/smoking/drinking etc. In my experience, the school is very good at pairing people based on their results for the rooming slip but if you change after being assigned, they'll pair you randomly.
My friend (who probably wouldn't be my friend if he hadn't switched into the room next door to me a couple of weeks before school started), switched because he didn't like the dorm he was assigned to. Unfortunately, he gave up a roommate who probably would have matched his requirements for cleanliness (borderline OCD spic n' span), but instead he got paired with a smelly, dirty bisexual (no gay-best-friend babes
Actually...the only thing we were asked on our rooming forms was whether or not we would like to be paired with a smoker or not...That's all. Also..another thing i'd like to mention, I am an only child, the only space i've ever had to share in my entire life has been with my parents.