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Corny Jokes and One Liners
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These things were said in American Courts
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said Where am I Kathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No I just lie there
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory
WITNESS I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now Dr, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your photo was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: I was getting laid sir.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a new Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Guess
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and he had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m guessing he was a male.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Dr, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people.
WITNESS:All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: All of your responses must be oral ok? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started at 8.30
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at that time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Dr, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure Dr?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said Where am I Kathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No I just lie there
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what way does it affect your memory
WITNESS I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now Dr, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your photo was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: I was getting laid sir.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had 3 children right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a new Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Guess
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and he had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I’m guessing he was a male.
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Dr, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people.
WITNESS:All of them, the live ones put up too much of a fight
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: All of your responses must be oral ok? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started at 8.30
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at that time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. _________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Dr, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So then, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure Dr?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was out standing in his field.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was out standing in his field.
“Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.”...
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names
EDIT: The courtroom quotes above remind me of some air traffic control quotes I have seen before, here's a particularly good one...
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”
and a link to the rest... http://aviationhumor.net/atc-quotes/
What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch?
Names
EDIT: The courtroom quotes above remind me of some air traffic control quotes I have seen before, here's a particularly good one...
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”
and a link to the rest... http://aviationhumor.net/atc-quotes/
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Just a tap on the shoulder
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is My first day driving a cab........
"I've been driving a HEARSE for the last 25 years."
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is My first day driving a cab........
"I've been driving a HEARSE for the last 25 years."
It's called Anti-humor. I think we discussEd it in this thread. Anyway, if u have to explain a joke, it's not funny anymore. Like the time I caught me Asian friend making a pee-pee in my coke. I yelled what the hell are you doing? And he said "me make joke." if u have to expain it....
Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
-E. B. White
I heard these on the radio yesterday morning.
If your dog is barking at the back door to get in and your wife is yelling at the front door to get in, who do you let in first?
- The dog, at least he'll shut up after he gets in the house.
Scientist have discovered a food that when eaten decreases the sex drive in females by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
No offense to you ladies out there, but these did make me chuckle as they play on the common stereotypes.
If your dog is barking at the back door to get in and your wife is yelling at the front door to get in, who do you let in first?
- The dog, at least he'll shut up after he gets in the house.
Scientist have discovered a food that when eaten decreases the sex drive in females by up to 90%.
- It's called wedding cake.
No offense to you ladies out there, but these did make me chuckle as they play on the common stereotypes.
This made me laugh hysterically. being awake for 24 really makes this thread come alive.
This one made me laugh.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Goats are chewing on a film canister that a movie studio threw in the trash. One turns to another and says "I liked the book better."
