He's not joking or trolling us, he's totally serious. I went through a similar ordeal this year too. I bought a 27" iMac in may, and it just kept having kernel panics.
I called Apple so many times, they couldn't do anything. All the time they said that they couldn't do anything with the panic logs and I'd tried everything.
Since they couldn't anything for the first one - I got a replacement.
The first replacement had a dead pixel right in the middle of the screen and it was still kernel panicking, so I got another replacement.
The third replacement - power button was faulty and I think there was something wrong with the HDD too because it made this really loud click noise when you turned it off) and a dead pixel on the left side of the screen. So I got another replacement... (still kernel panicking)
The fourth replacement - There was a scratch on the screen, about an inch long, just above where the dock is on the screen. I was furious at this point, I got another replacement.
The fifth replacement and the iMac that I have at the moment was good cosmetically. No scratches or other faults, still kernel panicking though. So I decided to just take it in to a store. My local store is about 40 min drive away and I don't have a car, and I can't just stick a 27" iMac in a bag and take the train, right? So I had to ask my dad to take me.
They couldn't find anything wrong with this one either... So I thought about using a different router - that's the only thing I hadn't tried up till this point. I always ruled it out because I've been using it for years with other macs and I've have no problems.
So I bought an airport extreme (no discount) and I tried that. Yay! It fixed my kernel panics. Apple support couldn't do anything, useless. Granted, it was my fault in the end - (something on my end), but shouldn't Apple have helped me even a little bit at the start instead of just saying - "heres a replacement." One of the technical support people that I spoke to basically told me that kernel panic logs were useless. :/
All through this the couriers wouldn't pick up the "faulty" replacements that needed to be sent back, at one point I had 3-4 iMacs in boxes in my room. This was absolutely ridiculous because I had to skip college for days at a time because the couriers would give me insane time frames - "12pm-6pm". When they did pick them up, eventually, they arrived at 11am, I'm just happy I was in at the time.
I spent hours on the phone with Apple care and after sales and who knows what other departments.
A pretty bad experience if you ask me, I totally understand what the OP went through. I mean I saved up money to buy a good Mac, I was thrilled to finally have a "powerful" machine that I could use. But after 3-4 months of trying to sort my problems out I was just fed up :/ and during this time my Macbook died too, the logicboard is dead
I'm a student and a freelance graphic designer and I couldn't work during all of this because I couldn't commit to any projects. I lost work because of the kernel panics, some PSD's were corrupted after the machine crashed and I just felt really "scared" to work on a machine that could kernel panic any minute.
Also I bought the iMac from Apple's online store, and I have a few photos of the multiple iMacs that I had. I have a good photograph of the original one that I got (taken on the day I got it, a few minutes before my first kernel panic).