Friend, I really hope you get the help that you need. As
@goldmac2006 says, I really urge you to go your GP. Even if you've been many times before, in the UK at least they ultimately are the gateway to specialised support (however frustrating and difficult to access those services can be). Based on what you're posting here and in other posts where you've referred to your difficulties, I do think you'd benefit from proper, professional support, rather than general wellbeing advice.
My professional background is in counselling, and I know how difficult life can be and that things can seem hopeless. But change is possible - not easy, but possible.
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I want to suggest something else, and - I hope - suggest it in kind, loving way: Perhaps it's worth reflecting on your use of this forum. As a regular lurker, I've noticed that you post here
a lot - literally thousands of posts. There can be a fine line between having something as a harmless way to pass the time, and something that is an obsession. Internet forums can be fun: getting a reply, starting a discussion, etc can give you a momentary dopamine hit. But it can also be avoidant, like playing Candy Crush all day. Ultimately, starting a thread about Apple Watch straps only brings so much human connection and growth. Is it possible that Macrumors has become a habit that takes you away from activities that are more growthful and healthy? Even if they are simply things like going for a walk, tidying a room, reading a book, or chatting with a friend?
I don't mean to imply that your posts are unwelcome, simply that I think it would be worthwhile to reflect on what this forum does and doesn't accomplish for you. What would taking a break for a month or two feel like? And if that prospect is scary, perhaps that too is worth noticing.
