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Do you wait for a girl to call you back after leaving a message?
- Thread starter StephenCampbell
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This is something I personally got over many years ago when I decided to own being truly nerdy.
When I read that, I see extreme naivety in that he looks for whether he thinks the girl would make a good wife rather than if the time spent with her is meaningful.
My ex would have made a wonderful wife. A perfect wife in fact. That's why I was so hesitant to leave her.
I left her because the time spent with her wasn't meaningful, in spite of the fact that she would have been a perfect wife.
I will give you that much. I give you props for trying. It takes guts to make any type of move on a female if you don't have a ton of experience. In an age where people only seem to text and "message" each other, I give you credit for having the guts to actually call her and (try to) talk to her on the phone (even if you did get carried away with it and essentially blew any small chance you might have had from the get-go).
Use this little experience as something to learn from and move forward. Every 'no' gets you closer to the next 'yes'.
Ummm, what?
But she would have made "a perfect wife?"
By the way, what does that mean??
Wouldn't "a great companion," by definition, include everything you state you didn't have with this woman?
There is a different thread for this area of my life.
But what I mean is this. I'm not an easy person to live with. Most people would find it difficult, find my OCD tendencies unmanageable, etc.
My ex was the first person I'd ever met who was head over heels in love with me, and actually would have wanted to marry me and been happy with me. It would have 'worked,' because she completely accepted me for who I was, and had semi-traditional views on the roles of men and women in marriage.
For a while I thought that this was a reason to stay with her, but with time it became clear that having found someone who loves you unconditionally and wants to marry you is not enough, if you don't feel the same passion about them. It would have been out of a sense of scarcity that I would have stayed with her forever, thinking "well, there probably isn't anyone else out there who can put up with me, so I should stick with the one who does even though I don't feel strongly enough for her myself."
I don't imagine she was the only girl on the planet who would fall in love with me and want to be with me. That was the other thing that led to my decision. I figured what I need to look for is someone who would feel that way about me and where the feelings would be reciprocated.
There is a different thread for this area of my life.
But what I mean is this. I'm not an easy person to live with. Most people would find it difficult, find my OCD tendencies unmanageable, etc.
My ex was the first person I'd ever met who was head over heels in love with me, and actually would have wanted to marry me and been happy with me. It would have 'worked,' because she completely accepted me for who I was, and had semi-traditional views on the roles of men and women in marriage.
For a while I thought that this was a reason to stay with her, but with time it became clear that having found someone who loves you unconditionally and wants to marry you is not enough, if you don't feel the same passion about them. It would have been out of a sense of scarcity that I would have stayed with her forever, thinking "well, there probably isn't anyone else out there who can put up with me, so I should stick with the one who does even though I don't feel strongly enough for her myself."
I don't imagine she was the only girl on the planet who would fall in love with me and want to be with me. That was the other thing that led to my decision. I figured what I need to look for is someone who would feel that way about me and where the feelings would be reciprocated.
I think I see what you mean here. I think we probably disagree with what constitutes a great companion ('a perfect wife'). To me this is essentially a joint statement about the relationship, whereas you think it can be a one sided characterization. If I was in a relationship as you describe, that woman could never be 'a perfect wife' to me if I didn't find the relationship passionate, fun, engaging, and highly enjoyable.
There is a different thread for this area of my life.
But what I mean is this. I'm not an easy person to live with. Most people would find it difficult, find my OCD tendencies unmanageable, etc.
My ex was the first person I'd ever met who was head over heels in love with me, and actually would have wanted to marry me and been happy with me. It would have 'worked,' because she completely accepted me for who I was, and had semi-traditional views on the roles of men and women in marriage.
For a while I thought that this was a reason to stay with her, but with time it became clear that having found someone who loves you unconditionally and wants to marry you is not enough, if you don't feel the same passion about them. It would have been out of a sense of scarcity that I would have stayed with her forever, thinking "well, there probably isn't anyone else out there who can put up with me, so I should stick with the one who does even though I don't feel strongly enough for her myself."
I don't imagine she was the only girl on the planet who would fall in love with me and want to be with me. That was the other thing that led to my decision. I figured what I need to look for is someone who would feel that way about me and where the feelings would be reciprocated.
I know exactly what you mean. I went through a similar situation/breakup a couple years ago. I had a GREAT girlfriend, we were together for a couple years, she was sweet, smart, thoughtful, cute...the whole package...AND she put up with me, which can be challenging at times. But after a while, I felt like there was just this "gap" between us...we weren't really into the same types of music/movies, we grew up a few years apart and she didn't get a lot of my pop culture references and things like that, she was really close with her family while I was not close with my family much at all...it goes deeper than the things I listed as well. I just felt like we weren't as deep of a "match" for each other as I wanted us to be. So as sweet and as perfect as she was as a person and in our relationship and the way she treated me, it just wasn't enough - it always felt like something was missing/disconnected with us.
In hindsight, I blame a lot of it on my own immaturity (I was 25-26) and my ego, thinking I could find better, thinking I NEEDED to find "better", and having this stupid fear of commitment...like the moment I fully committed to her I would be missing out on other women that would have been a more satisfying match. Looking back on it, I do regret not putting more into that relationship and just appreciating her for who she was rather than longing for her to be someone slightly different and more like me. That's life though, you go through these relationships, you make mistakes, you learn from them and move on.
I don't know whether or not you'll consider my words here, but the above is, in my opinion, a flawed way of thinking about another person. At some point you considered her suitability for a given role. It sounds like you stopped thinking of the person and started to think of how well she fit a specific set of preconceptions, which is something I hope you'll consider. If you're dating the same person for a long time, you do tend to build up some kind of connection through shared memories and time spent together. To me it sounds like you were trying to analyze whether she fit preconceived criteria, which is not how I would treat another person. There may be specific things that would cause too much stress for the relationship to hold, but I wouldn't examine people this way.
Yes, yes, and yes. This is something I wanted to address, but didn't know at the time how to do it delicately. Thank you.
She was actually the first girlfriend I've ever had where I stopped using my criteria list as a guide. If I had still been using my criteria in a rigid way we would have never started dating.
I went with the flow this time, having met a sweet, wonderful girl who was really into me, and just decided to see what would happen if I gave a relationship with her a try even though she didn't match all my criteria.
With time I discovered that some of my criteria were unnecessary and that others I would really like to have in whoever I end up marrying, but either way the main driving force behind my lack of confidence in our relationship was not due to checking off items on a list, but due to feeling that she just wasn't the person I should end up marrying. We can't always explain our feelings, but if I had to try I would say that the reason I felt that way was mostly rooted in a desire for somebody who comes from a more similar background as I do, and whose family would click with my family in a much more immediate way.
My question is why even have a criteria? Why not just date someone for the fun of it?
Why am I being asked questions like this?
Different strokes for different folks much?
Well you're here talking about your relationship problems. It is reasonable to consider all of their potential sources.
I wasn't aware that I was talking about problems.
In the other thread I shared that I broke up with my girlfriend and explained why.
In this thread I asked what others would do if they had left a message for a girl and she hadn't called them back.
Your initial post described a situation. If it wasn't a problem in some way, however small, then why ask for advice?
To make your request, next time, use the Report Button (
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