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Girlfriend of 1.25 years decides its 'time for a break'

lamina

lamina

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Mar 9, 2006
1,757
69
Niagara
... and immediately after decides to start seeing a new guy. She is 19, I'm 22 and the new guy she is seeing is *26*.

She says he is just a summer fling and wouldn't be interested in a long-term relationship, given the fact that he works full-time at a call center (not that theres anything wrong with that) and is 26. This happened very suddenly and seemingly from completely out of the blue.

We still talk once every few days, and have open conversation about her relationship and my attempts at new relationships.

She will be moving back to my town for school again in September. She claims she still has feelings for me.

Question is... should I give her another chance? I am still deeply in love with her and she is always on my mind. Has anyone been in the same situation?
 
lamina said:
Question is... should I give her another chance? I am still deeply in love with her and she is always on my mind. Has anyone been in the same situation?
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No. She's taking you for a ride and if she still had feelings for you she wouldn't be seeing him... by stringing you along, she just wants to have her cake and eat it.
 
laminaQuestion is... should I give her another chance? I am still deeply in love with her and she is always on my mind. Has anyone been in the same situation?[/QUOTE said:
Nope. She's using you as a fallback in case this does just turn out to be a fling. Why the heck should you be the doormat?

You're still deeply in love with her because to you, this came as a shock and you haven't had time to process the information. You'll probably always have a soft spot for her. But, time has a way of reducing these feelings when you're not in contact so much and there's no sense of a future. Perhaps by September you'll feel differently about her.

In the meantime, chill and go find a fling for yourself - who knows, you might love her even more deeply!
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She has made things remarkably clear from her perspective. Despite the personal hurt and depth of your feelings for her, I believe you must move on when two people do not share the same vision of a future life together.
 
It is not always a one-way thing and the change could have come from you as well. Maybe you've let yourself go a bit in ways that she doesn't appreciate but doesn't mention. Maybe you've turned out not to have what she feels she really wants. Depending on your level of attachment it's perhaps worth figuring these things out, although drawing this out from women without a 'female filter' is something that I've found extraordinarily difficult. Maybe she has given off these messages but you haven't taken note in the past.

Aside from that, it may do you some good to date other people more seriously. Regardless of the circumstances she's felt pretty free to drop you like an empty magazine, and despite your feelings for her perhaps as others say it is best if you put that to one side and try and forge other relationships. As they say, there are always more fish in the sea although it may not always seem that way.
 
lamina said:
... and immediately after decides to start seeing a new guy. She is 19, I'm 22 and the new guy she is seeing is *26*.
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I'm willing to bet she was seeing the new guy before she decided to "take a break."

I say don't even remain in contact with her. I use to date a girl like that. Whenever she started seeing someone I was dumped shortly thereafter. And then when I decided to move on with someone else, she went on the attack to get me back.

Didn't work though, kept seeing the other girl... now I'm happily married to her. :)

Breaking all contact with girl #1 was the best thing I've done besides marrying girl #2. ;)
 
I'd agree with much of what has been said in this thread, except for one thing. I would spend a month or two finding out who you are as a person. We are different people inside and outside of a relationship, and I think it is always beneficial to make time between relationships to find out who you are and how you've grown in the last year and a half.
 
lamina said:
Question is... should I give her another chance? I am still deeply in love with her and she is always on my mind. Has anyone been in the same situation?
Click to expand...

Absolutely! Only thing is though, 10 years from now you're going to feel stupid as hell about it; I know I sure did. :cool:
 
She's looking for an idiot just in case her fling doesn't work out. That idiot COULD be you. But the fact you love her makes it harder here. I was in the same siuation many years ago... the love of my life. I held on for YEARS hoping that it would go back to the way it was. It didn't and it doesn't. Take it from an old man who still, to this day THIRTY years later, STILL has a bit of love left for that one. But son, I spent all that time wishing for something that COULD have been.
Move on... life is too short.
 
The fact that it was out of the blue and so suddent implies that she probably met this guy while she was still with you, and developed feelings while you two were still together.

That wouldn't have happened if she was truly committed to you.

It may have seen like all of a sudden, but more than likely was a while in the works, you just had no idea.

Based on that alone, I wouldn't speak to her anymore.

Any interest she has in you now is to use you when he's not around. Aside from the fact that it's you she's using - do you honestly want to be with a girl that uses anybody like that?

Then again, you could turn it around and use her. If she wants to give it to ya when she's in town, fine. Take it. But don't make her your "one-n-only."
 
absolutely not. the best thing to do is cut off all contact. if, after some time has passed (and you'll know how much is appropriate), you still want to be with her, you can decide then if she's still the one for you. when my ex-girlfriend and i split, i foolishly maintained contact with her and she even came to visit me at school. big mistake.

just stick with your friends, go out and have some fun, keep going to work (if you work) or school (if you're in school), and do the things you like to do. don't worry about her.

also, in my opinion (and this could be the spark for another thread), there is no such thing as a break. if someone decides they want a "break," they are ending the relationship - they are breaking up with you. and if they want to get back together, they are not ending the "break" - they are getting back together. it's just that simple. a "break" is a word used so people don't feel so bad about breaking up, but that's what it is.
 
PFt. To hell with her. She's a slut, plain and simple. Go find yourself another girl and wash your hands of this one. At 19, she's not even worth it. If you're in the US you can't even take her to a bar. Toss her in the trash and find someone better.
 
Onizuka said:
PFt. To hell with her. She's a slut, plain and simple.
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Yes, she is. F*** all those feminists who'll say that that word is sexist. The way she has behaved makes her a slut.

People like that deserve to burn in hell for all eternity. I have no love for people that manipulate others' feelings.
 
Seems to be agreement here on what to do - get out as quickly as possible. Sure it's tough. Sure, you'll hurt for a little while. But in the end, it sounds like you two are in completely different places and you'll be better off without her.
 
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