How can a guy who's not particularly handsome, feel confident?

[Gelfin]

First, like other people have said, three by 24? There's nothing wrong there, and scorekeeping is dumb anyway.

Confidence is extremely important, but yeah, make sure that's even his scene. I can get by in bars after a fashion, but I've never really picked up anybody that way. Closest I've come is actually getting to know somebody I met at a bar and hanging out separately. I am that guy that ends up in the background in a big crowd.

However, here's something I haven't seen anybody suggest yet: offer him something to be confident about. Bars suck so very badly. In most places that's close to all there is to do, but they cater to exactly one set of social skills, and if that's not your strong suit, you're just never going to get the chance to shine. What's he good at? What can you do instead that might give him a fighting chance to be competitive with you guys who are usually just doing laps while he treads water? In my case, for instance, I vanish into the woodwork in a typical bar, but don't put a karaoke mic in my hand if you ever want it back. Not to overshare, but it turns out that if you can pour your heart into a Killers song, there's a significant fraction of the female population who will just turn into puddles on the spot, and for the guy that can get sick of seeing his friends make it all look too easy at a normal bar, that's a good feeling.

 

[Blue Velvet]

...but don't put a karaoke mic in my hand if you ever want it back. Not to overshare...

Oversharing perhaps is Lady Gaga, complete with moves and her current look, a raw meat bikini.

 

[Abstract]

I’m shocked. I would’ve thought a guy as awesome as you had never heard of any of these authors. I can’t even look at you now.

Don't let his avatar fool you, just like I don't let your avatar fool me.

Wonder if the OP will make a few more comments regarding what we've said.

Some people just don't enjoy engaging in shallow superficial conversations (chit-chat), which is what this type of situation will usually entail.

True.

When I go to a bar, I generally want to hang with the friends I already have. I'm not there to meet people, whether female or male.

 

[-aggie-]

Don't let his avatar fool you, just like I don't let your avatar fool me.

Wonder if the OP will make a few more comments regarding what we've said.

I don’t let your avatar fool me either. I know you’re not an astronaut.

I didn’t think the OP had ever responded in this thread.

 

[ranguvar]

Every dad dreams their little girl will grow up and meet someone like you

Wow- you and your friend are really cool guys.

Reread my post. It was neither about me, nor about any of my friends.

 

[iBlue]

Reread my post. It was neither about me, nor about any of my friends.

Actually you did say "you know someone who..." so it was a fair assumption based on what YOU wrote. It doesn't matter though if it is or isn't you or one of your friends, it was your advice/belief and it was complete rubbish.

 

[ranguvar]

Actually you did say "you know someone who..." so it was a fair assumption based on what YOU wrote. It doesn't matter though if it is or isn't you or one of your friends, it was your advice/belief and it was complete rubbish.

The point I was trying to make is that even though they serve as sex muppets to each other (and yes, if you knew them, you'd think so too), it builds their self-esteem.
I also didn't give any advice. I just pointed out that when a woman and a man with low self-esteem get together, both's self-esteem can increase. This is not subject to belief, but based on facts.

I haven been too harsh in my wording, however. It seems like yesterday I was in a bad mood...

 

[iBlue]

The point I was trying to make is that even though they serve as sex muppets to each other (and yes, if you knew them, you'd think so too), it builds their self-esteem.
I also didn't give any advice. I just pointed out that when a woman and a man with low self-esteem get together, both's self-esteem can increase. This is not subject to belief, but based on facts.

I haven been too harsh in my wording, however. It seems like yesterday I was in a bad mood...

It's cool, we all have days like that.

I think I was a little outraged at the idea that someone may be recommending (basically) preying on a girl with low self-esteem in order to boost someone else's. Mutual enjoyment is a different matter.


I think this purported shy/not particularly good looking guy just needs to go some place other than bars to meet women, if that's what he wants. Bar flies are no great conquest anyway and very unlikely to be the type of someone who isn't very outgoing.

 

[ranguvar]

I think I was a little outraged at the idea that someone may be recommending (basically) preying on a girl with low self-esteem in order to boost someone else's.

Agreed, the whole idea of "preying" on a girl disgusts me, it's really sad that 90% of men do just that...

 

[iBlue]

Agreed, the whole idea of "preying" on a girl disgusts me, it's really sad that 90% of men do just that...

I don't think THAT many men really do that but it does happen all too often. Everyone has their own emotional baggage in some form or another.
Guys that have deep, unchecked self-esteem issues of their own do tend to go for downtrodden women that will put up with being controlled and mistreated. It's a way to make that guy feel better about himself (as if the girl is lucky to have him) but it's no real solution to either of their problems. Sometimes I think both don't see the situation for what it really is. Toxic. You can only hope they both live and learn to grow out of that.

</slight tangent>

 

[c-Row]

From personal experience I think what the OP's friend needs is not a one-night stand or some kind of sexual relationship just to boost his confidence, but the feeling that he might actually meet a nice girl with the added possibility to get into a (proper) relationship at some point in the future.

I got a friend who looks... well, average. He's quite pale, his hair is a mess most of the time, but he was in a relationship with a former Eastern European lingerie model and is now dating a cute asian girl. On the other end of the table, I myself don't look too great either, got dumped in every relationship I have ever been in so far (including one divorce), I don't meet any nice girls no matter where I spend my free time, and those I actually did meet were not interested in dating me. So tell me, how in the name of Chuck Norris' sweaty balls is somebody like me supposed to build up any confidence from this perpetual stream of disappointment?

 

[Mord]

He's quite pale, his hair is a mess most of the time, but he was in a relationship with a former Eastern European lingerie model and is now dating a cute asian girl.

how in the name of Chuck Norris' sweaty balls is somebody like me supposed to build up any confidence from this perpetual stream of disappointment?

Clearly you need to work on your internet tan

 

[eawmp1]

Two words: tube sock

 

[Queso]

So tell me, how in the name of Chuck Norris' sweaty balls is somebody like me supposed to build up any confidence from this perpetual stream of disappointment?

Sorry if this appears shallow but become a gym regular. Not that it will change your looks to any extent, but all those endorphins can only help when it comes to mental well-being and confidence IMO.

 

[Melrose]

Don't let his avatar fool you, just like I don't let your avatar fool me.

True, true. irl I'm just a big puppy dog who loves to cuddle. A hella AWESOME puppy. What up!

 

[leekohler]

Sorry if this appears shallow but become a gym regular. Not that it will change your looks to any extent, but all those endorphins can only help when it comes to mental well-being and confidence IMO.

It's not shallow. It's very important to stay fit for too many reasons to name. For people in this country to label that as "shallow" is sad and short-sighted. The brain is not the only thing that needs exercise, the body does as well. And too many people ignore that because it's "difficult". Well, nothing worth doing is easy.

 

[mcrain]

If you look at someone as a target you are trying to hit, or a conquest, then nerves can become an issue. Fear of rejection is something that can be hard to overcome. There is a reason people often say that as soon as they stopped looking, they met someone they liked.

My suggestion would be to just talk to girls/guys as though you were meeting someone new, not someone you wanted to sleep with. Be interested, listen, talk, and see where that goes.

Oh, and the advice to avoid the beauty queens is bad advice. Good looking guys and girls are often ignored because as this thread points out, it is hard to get the nerve up to approach them.

 

[GFLPraxis]

Every time I hear the name, Ash, I think of this guy.
[ IMG]http://www.livinganxious.com/file/pic/gallery/8524.jpg[ /IMG]
Doesn't look like he has a confidence problem too me.

Really? I think of this guy:

and I feel his confidence problems.

 

[Gelfin]

Oversharing perhaps is Lady Gaga, complete with moves and her current look, a raw meat bikini.

*makes a note, files under "things that work for BV"*

 

[Ttownbeast]

For those requesting, I found a picture of the OP OP's friend.

Obviously a fellow who had completely missed the concept of "licking beaver" I am certain the beaver wasn't too pleased about this.

 

[PurpleMarmalade]

Oh dear. Does this mean that, having slept with just one girl (I'm now 28), I'm even more of a hopeless loser/failure/etc than your friend?

I need a hug.

 

[ngenerator]

Wonder if the OP will make a few more comments regarding what we've said.

Of course not. OP's pretty good about typing something stupid, letting the frenzy go, and starting it back up again with another comment a few days later..

On topic, i'd have to agree with the alcohol+karaoke idea. Women love a good rendition of 4 Non Blondes' What's Up? or I Believe in a Thing Called Love by the Darkness. I've gotten so many laids using that combo, it's like fishing with dynamite (though, perhaps it could be because I was with my fiancé at the time, who knows?)

 

[Queso]

Oh dear. Does this mean that, having slept with just one girl (I'm now 28), I'm even more of a hopeless loser/failure/etc than your friend?

I need a hug.

I wouldn't worry. I'm 38 years old, yet haven't slept with a girl since I was 22.

Mind you, I did come out for the closet three months later ;-)

 

[wvuwhat]

I'm not anything to talk about, but I do alright for myself. My ex wasn't too terrible looking (my womanizing friends gave her a 7.5), but my friends envied us, because we were happy. I don't do too bad for myself now, but oh well.

 

[c-Row]

My suggestion would be to just talk to girls/guys as though you were meeting someone new, not someone you wanted to sleep with. Be interested, listen, talk, and see where that goes.

Nowhere in particular.