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I hid something from my Girlfriend for 2 years

There does seem to be a bit of an overreaction on her part.

But on the other hand you know you were doing something potentially wrong as well if you had to hide something and enlisted your family and friends to help keep it going.

Just remember, the issue at hand here is not going to be the smoking, it's going to be the fact that you hid it, the length that you hid it, and that other folks were involved in hiding it. All of that is going to make her feel like an idiot. If you are going to repair this you have to go at it from that angle, say you understand how made her feel, thats why you got it off your chest, because it made you feel awful having to hide it as well.
 
lKeithStone said:
That's how I feel. She knew I smoked before I met her, but she complained and was disgusted by it so much that I just started hiding it.
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It wasn't that you conveniently forgot to mention something for 2 years, you lied about it daily (or nearly daily at least) for two years. That's over 700 lies. Plus you arranged to have other people lie for you... frequently. It doesn't matter what it was about, it was the action itself I suspect she is reacting to.

tobefirst said:
The problem is that you lied to your girlfriend (significantly harming your body in the process), either through an act of commission or an act of omission for two years, ...But you pretty much put yourself in this situation, of which you're aware.
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Yep. Couldn't say it better.

That said, if you want her back... make one last really good, unconditional, absolute apology - but it helps if you understood things from her perspective - which I don't you think you do. And then just continue to spend time, and win her respect back. It can be done, maybe, but will take time. Perhaps months or a year. How important is she to you. Also, be prepared to be teased about it later... which is a good sign if she can start to joke about it.

I think you are not the seeing the difference between two scenarios - as an example.

In scenario 1) You used to smoke, and stopped (maybe when you met her) and never mentioned that once upon a time you smoked. That is dishonestly by omission, and I suspect we are all guilty of that to one degree or another. But this is scenario 2) where you were lying to her several times a week, perhaps daily. And you organized a conspiracy to hide the lies. That is dishonesty by commission. And you did a lot of it. However, I think your relationship may be salvageable ... since smoking is an addiction, and you can grovel your way out of it since you were ashamed to admit it.

Luck.
 
I had quit smoking for many years but went back to it not telling my wife. I did tell her after many many months maybe even 2 years. She was very upset about me smoking again but never thought about leaving me and never felt I was lying to her. If your girl can't understand you position then you are better off with someone that would. Good luck and congratulations on quitting.
 
JohnLT13 said:
I had quit smoking for many years but went back to it not telling my wife. I did tell her after many many months maybe even 2 years. She was very upset about me smoking again but never thought about leaving me and never felt I was lying to her. If your girl can't understand you position then you are better off with someone that would. Good luck and congratulations on quitting.
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The problem is the OP said he quit but never did. So it was a lie from the start.
 
JohnLT13 said:
I had quit smoking for many years but went back to it not telling my wife. I did tell her after many many months maybe even 2 years. She was very upset about me smoking again but never thought about leaving me and never felt I was lying to her. If your girl can't understand you position then you are better off with someone that would. Good luck and congratulations on quitting.
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This. My mother's been lying about smoking to my father, sister and me for 30-40 years now. Of course we all know. We also all accept that she can't quit (we've been through several attempts with her) or at least won't quit. We wouldn't think for a minute about confronting her or trying to make her feel bad about keeping it from us. We all feel that at least it greatly reduces the amount she can smoke.

No one who is lying to their loved ones about smoking feels good about it, like they're getting away with something.

My advice to the original poster - dump the girlfriend. Seriously.
 
NewbieCanada said:
This. My mother's been lying about smoking to my father, sister and me for 30-40 years now. Of course we all know. We also all accept that she can't quit (we've been through several attempts with her) or at least won't quit. We wouldn't think for a minute about confronting her or trying to make her feel bad about keeping it from us. We all feel that at least it greatly reduces the amount she can smoke.

No one who is lying to their loved ones about smoking feels good about it, like they're getting away with something.

My advice to the original poster - dump the girlfriend. Seriously.
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Anyone can quit if they really wanted too. You are just letting her continue her habit by not getting on her.
 
MacNut said:
Anyone can quit if they really wanted too. You are just letting her continue her habit by not getting on her.
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MacNut said:
People quit smoking all the time. Don't blame your life choices on others.
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And some people react the addiction differently than others. Just because "many people" can do something in no way means that everyone can do it. Just like "many people" can show compassion, does not mean that everyone can.
 
snberk103 said:
And some people react the addiction differently than others. Just because "many people" can do something in no way means that everyone can do it. Just like "many people" can show compassion, does not mean that everyone can.
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And what about people who lie for years about it. Where is their compassion? The issue here is not the addiction but the lying to a partner about it. And then trying to cover it up.
 
Renzatic said:
People do dumb things sometimes. Yeah, he shouldn't have done it, but at least he did take steps to fix it, and came clean afterwards.
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2 years tho? A month or two fine but 2 years sounds more like a coverup.
 
MacNut said:
2 years tho? A month or two fine but 2 years sounds more like a coverup.
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That's exactly what it was. But considering the subject matter, it was more a bad judgement call, rather than some unforgivable sin.

It's only slightly worse than telling your girlfriend you've been sneaking out every Thursday to play Bingo at the local VFW for the last 2 years.

"...but you said you were hanging out at the bar with your friends"

"I KNOW! But the shame was just too much. I didn't want you knowing I spend my time with old people..."
 
2 years of hiding an ashtray tasting mouth. I'm impressed she didn't detect it
 
Tomorrow said:
You sound like someone who doesn't understand addiction.
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How much of addiction is in the mind. Anyone can get help for any addiction if they chose it. Nicotine is not the same as a heroine addiction. Sure it might be a pain in the ass the first week but it is not something that can't be done with will power. Heroine withdraw sure can take years to overcome. The OP didn't have that problem, he just chose to lie about it and not even admit to it hurting his relationship.
 
MacNut said:
And what about people who lie for years about it. Where is their compassion? The issue here is not the addiction but the lying to a partner about it. And then trying to cover it up.
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We seem to have different ideas about what the word 'compassion' means…

"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others."
 
snberk103 said:
We seem to have different ideas about what the word 'compassion' means…

"sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others."
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In the OP's case he didn't show compassion for his girlfriend. He could have said, sure I tried to quit but I couldn't.
 
If that drama queen breaks up with you over this, count it as a win.

You did sneak around and hide what you were doing from her, and that needs looking into. Is this your ordinary style, or do you feel a special need to cloak yourself when it comes to her? Either way, do some good hard introspective thinking about this.

As to her, I suspect she's reacting exactly as you feared she would, down deep. She sounds like she's gone really high-maintenance about it. If she doesn't walk then you'll pay for this for years. You should ask yourself if that's the kind of relationship you want to be in, because this won't be the last thing you feel is best hidden from her.

I hope you emerge from this more honest with yourself and in your next relationship.

And: Congratulations on kicking the cigarette habit!
 
My point on this.

The OP made a mistake. He knew he made a mistake, and he knew this was coming. I say learn from the mistake, accept it and move on. There is nothing he can do now but be honest and not let history repeat itself. The GF has every right to be angry. Let her be. Eventually things will settle down and an equilibrium will be reached. Trust can be rebuilt, or the relationship will end, depending on how badly the GF was hurt and how she took it. If either of you want to continue the relationship, that's up to you.

The point is- this is not an issue anymore. The OP finally let the secret out, and came clean, and is actively wanting to take responsibility and be the better man. People make bad choices. But this guy admits it and is making sure not to make the same bad choices again. Learn from the mistakes. There is nothing we can do to change the past, but the future- the future is something we can shape to be better than yesterday.
 
I'm going to give you some serious advice,

If you want to tell your gf something firstly ask yourself this.

Will this improve my relationship or make it worse?

If it's going to make it worse.. Ala, smoking for 2 years but quit in October, you keep your mouth shut and continue as normal.

You'll find in life and with future gf / wives you'll encounter this exact situation many times. The details will be different but the decision / response you get will always be the same.

Take it from me buddy, if it ain't helping the relationship then don't share it.

You said YOU felt and for keeping it a secret. Nothing to do with your gf, it's in your head how you feel about things.

Anyway, no one is going to read this so ill cut this short. Good luck with your relationship. You sound like a young fella so don't sweat it if it ends over this. Just move on and learn from it.
 
I can't get over the fact that she could not tell that you were smoking.

I can tell if someone is a smoker upon meeting them and just getting close enough to shake their hand.


As for the relationship problem: I say to let her be upset for a bit and she will most likely move on from it and understand why you lied. Depending on her personality, she will use it as a reason to be mad randomly for at least another 3 months after the fact as well. Be prepared.

And I agree with the guy who said to not use the "I didn't have to tell you" defense. If you really want to go this route, re-word it to something that sounds more like "It killed me to not tell you and I finally couldn't take it anymore, so I chose honesty." Then throw in an apology.
 
=w= said:
As for the relationship problem: I say to let her be upset for a bit and she will most likely move on from it and understand why you lied. Depending on her personality, she will use it as a reason to be mad randomly for at least another 3 months after the fact as well. Be prepared.
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You owe me a keyboard for that "3 months" part. Surely you meant decades.


Michael
 
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