I hid something from my Girlfriend for 2 years

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by lKeithStone, Nov 20, 2013.

  1. lKeithStone macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    Okay I know this isn't probably the best place to ask this type of question, but here we go.

    I have been hiding smoking cigarettes from my girlfriend for about 2 and a half years. I finally told her the other day because I haven't smoked since October 1st and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I've always wanted to tell her but never did because of the fear of how she would react, plus I was addicted.

    She didn't care as much if we were out drinking and I smoked but she would still freak out about it. Now get this... she didn't care if I smoked Black and Milds (cigar's) daily because they smelled differently than cigarettes. I hid the cigarettes in the trunk of my car and I told her about that too.

    Long story short... She is devastated that I lied to her for this long about this and said she is even considering leaving me over it. She is also very upset that all of my friends and family knew and never told her. I honestly never looked at it as a lie, it was more of me not wanting to disappoint her. Plus I kind of used her as a quitting tool - it helped me finally quit knowing I couldn't smoke around her. I would have never told her if I would have known she was going to get this upset over it.

    Honestly is it worth getting this upset over? She says she has trouble trusting me now. What's your opinions? I know I should have just told her from the beginning, but I didn't. I just need some advice.
  2. Jbenn425 macrumors regular

    Nov 16, 2013
    New Jersey
    I think she's completely overreacting. It's not like you're a heroine addict. She's acting as if you cheated on her.
  3. citizenzen macrumors 65816

    Mar 22, 2010
    Quit smoking.

    Show her that she's more important to you than nicotine.
  4. thejadedmonkey macrumors 604


    May 28, 2005
    No. There are bigger things in life to get upset over. If she's willing to dump you over this, she's not a keeper. Unless, you started smoking after you started dating her. Then yeah, I'd say it's hiding something...
  5. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    Can't imagine why she said that.:rolleyes:

    Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Your actions have shown that she shouldn't really trust you.
  6. lKeithStone thread starter macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    That's how I feel. She knew I smoked before I met her, but she complained and was disgusted by it so much that I just started hiding it.
  7. lKeithStone thread starter macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    I have since October 1st. I bought her flowers, made dinner and appologized 5,000 times.

    No, she knew that I smoked before I met her. Like I said she would just complain about it so much that I started hiding it from her.

    I understand why she said that. I'm not saying what I did was right, but I'm surprised she is reacting this way.

    There have been several times when I ask her what is wrong and she will say nothing, but later tell me what was bothering her. Is this considered lying? I understand mine was a lot longer, but I look at that as kind of the same thing (She doesn't want to tell me what's wrong in fear of getting in a fight or me getting angry.) I didn't want to tell her in fear of disappointing her and having her be angry with me.
  8. quagmire macrumors 603


    Apr 19, 2004
    Did you ever say you had quit smoking? Did she ever bring it up?
  9. thejadedmonkey macrumors 604


    May 28, 2005
    I think that is a red flag in a relationship. My girlfriend never wanted me to tell her things she "didn't want to hear", if you know what I mean. I told her that if I censored myself, I'd feel like I was lying to her; I let her choose. Did she want to hear unpleasant truths (like do I think Emma Watson is cute? Yes.) or does she want me to start lying to her? She picked the unpleasant truths, and we have never had any trust issues. Being able to be completely open with her helps me feel closer to her too, because I know I can be myself, completely. Sure sometimes it creates issues (Emma Watson, ha!), but I think it's better in the long run.
  10. 0007776 Suspended


    Jul 11, 2006
    Did you tell her you quit? That would definitely be lying and I'd understand why she's acting the way she is. Even if you didn't directly tell her you quit by hiding it from her you were trying to make it seem like you had which still is on the edge of lying to her, so she still has reason to be upset.
  11. lKeithStone thread starter macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    She did assume that I had quit smoking cigarettes, and I'm pretty sure it was brought up in the beginning, although our relationship is on a completely different level now compared to what it was like in the beginning and the longer and longer it went without me saying something the more I feared she would be even more upset so I wanted to wait until I quit before I told her (yes, I did plan on quitting much sooner than I did). There were a few times when she smelled it and I did deny it.
  12. Renzatic, Nov 20, 2013
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2013

    Renzatic Suspended


    Aug 3, 2011
    Gramps, what the hell am I paying you for?
    So you hid your habit from her for two years. That's not cool in the least.

    But you've since quit smoking, have been without a cigarette for almost two months now (congrats, by the way), and have apologized profusely. Good for you.

    What you did wasn't the slickest thing in the world, but it's hardly the worst thing in the world. Everyone's got their little vices, their little shames, and you at least did something about it. You do deserve some time in the dog house for keeping it from her for so long, for not asking her for help, and she does have a right to be severely irked at you because of this. But this is a situation where both parties need to have their moment, then come to a mutual understanding.

    Smoking's nasty. I should know. I smoke, and I hate it. But it's a hard thing to quit at the drop of a hat. That's something only a rare, fortunate few can do. The fact you had to work up to it is something she should understand. If she can't come to terms with that, and continues being hurt despite the apologies, the attempts at making up, and...yeah...the whole quitting for her thing...then she's being rather childish and self-centered about the whole thing.

    edit: I should add that I wrote the above assuming this incident exists in complete isolation. Has your relationship been nothing but candybars and butterfly kisses up to this point, or have you done anything else to piss her off?
  13. lKeithStone thread starter macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    Yes, in the beginning I believe I did tell her I quit. But our relationship wasn't as solid as it is now. And like I said the longer and longer I hid it from her the more and more I didn't want to tell her in fear of losing her trust and hurting her/avoiding a fight. I figured we are at a point now where we are talking about marriage/kids that I could just tell her with out her considering leaving me over this or reacting this way.

    I'm a faithful guy and would never think about cheating or any of that nonsense so it really sucks to lose trust with someone you love over hiding a stupid cigarette addiction. No it wasn't very smart of me and I should have just been upfront with her about it.
  14. lKeithStone thread starter macrumors member

    Jul 10, 2013
    Thanks for your opinion. Haha I wouldn't exactly say "candybars and butterfly kisses" we have had a few bumps here and there, but resolve things rather quickly. Just recently things have gotten worse. Before I told her the whole cigarette thing we had a long talk about our relationship and how it's getting stale as we do the same stuff everyday. We aren't really intimate or romantic anymore and really need to spice things up again - we both agreed.

    We also talked about how we needed a lifestyle change (working out, doing things together) and we both agreed to make changes. Then I thought to myself I'm just going to tell her to start fresh and get everything out on the table, I mean this could be my future wife and I didn't want to hold anything back. Well after I did that, her attitude changed from lets work on making our relationship stronger to her not trusting me and considering leaving me.
  15. roadbloc macrumors G3


    Aug 24, 2009
    This. Although I do think your GF is overreacting, if you want to repair the damage, get into DAMAGE CONTROL MODE and quit them.

    I hid the fact that I like to smoke weed sometimes from a girlfriend. She wasn't mad when she found out because it turns out she was doing the exact same thing. :D
  16. sdilley14 macrumors 65816

    Feb 8, 2007
    Mesa, AZ
    Talk about a 'first world' problem. This is what happens when you have no REAL problems in your life and nothing to really complain about...you dig and find things like this to go insane over. Big friggin deal. She knew you smoked before, you've been respectful enough to keep your habit away from her so she doesn't have to be subjected to it, you aren't hurting anyone but yourself...personally I think it is a big overreaction. I could see her being upset over it and having one or two little fights about it, but this isn't "end the relationship" type material.
  17. tobefirst macrumors 68040


    Jan 24, 2005
    St. Louis, MO
    The problem is that you lied to your girlfriend (significantly harming your body in the process), either through an act of commission or an act of omission for two years, and now she doesn't trust you, complicated by the fact that you believe that it wasn't even a lie. Can't say that I blame her for thinking about leaving you. Sorry.

    You have to win her back. Whatever that takes. Or decide she isn't worth it. But you pretty much put yourself in this situation, of which you're aware.
  18. MattG macrumors 68040


    May 27, 2003
    Asheville, NC
    I don't blame her; I'd do the same thing. But, cigarettes are a dealbreaker for me.
  19. firedept macrumors 603


    Jul 8, 2011
    You hit the nail right on the head. I wish I could have said it this well.

    Good luck to the OP in his relationship. Only the test of time will tell.
  20. Tinmania macrumors 68040


    Aug 8, 2011
    Everyone, male and female, has secrets. Everyone. In the grand scheme of things your smoking habit is not high on the list. Mainlining heroin... high on the list. Cheating... top of the list.

    Whatever you do don't use the "I didn't have to tell you!" defense.

  21. Tomorrow macrumors 604


    Mar 2, 2008
    Always a day away
    "Yeah, I know I was lying to you, but if I had known you'd be upset about my lying I would have kept doing it."

    To be able to compare an act to a motive - your rationalization skills are second to none!

    I'll tell you the same thing I tell my child and my wife, and have told them both since day one - I can forgive many things, but if there were something I couldn't forgive, lying would be it.

    Telling the truth opens the door to seeking help and understanding. Lying is a sure sign of remorseless defiance; you know you're expected not to do it, you do it anyway, and have no intention of coming clean and asking forgiveness for it.

    Someone who regrets a bad choice, IMO, admits their mistake and seeks help in moving on. Since you asked, yes, it's worth her getting this upset over, and I wouldn't trust you anymore, either.
  22. DesertEagle, Dec 1, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2013

    DesertEagle macrumors 6502a


    Jan 10, 2012
    /home @
    So you've been considerate enough to not offend her by letting her see you smoke (she takes the fun away from smoking by freaking out), and you have even smoked a different brand so as to not bother her with the stench. And now she doesn't trust you?

    Of course, she sees it differently. You probably made great efforts to avoid smoking whenever she was around, perhaps enduring unpleasant withdrawals even. You also kept the cigarettes out of her sight at all times, and even switched to another brand to hide it from her, all of it as part of a scheme to hide this filthy habit. And now you expect her to trust you?

    If you haven't lied to her in this, I would say your behavior is misleading at worst. It depends on your intentions, but since there are trust issues in the relationship, you will have a hard time convincing your girlfriend about your intentions.
  23. Dambuster43 macrumors member

    May 20, 2013
    Are we really supposed to believe you were smoking for two years and she never smelled it on your breath, in your hair and on your clothes?
    If so...then its not a .....close relationship.

    My advice is..... you are well suited ....She has no sense of smell and you have no sense....of reality. The pair of you need to grow up and take on real life. If you both cannot deal with this stupidity, what kind of parents will you make.
  24. sammy-boy macrumors regular

    Nov 2, 2013
    Staffordshire, UK
    I guess she could be wondering that if you kept that from her for 2 years, could you be capable of keeping other things from her? That could be why she's having trouble trusting you now. Perhaps you should've been upfront and honest from the start that you're a smoker and you weren't intending to give up.
  25. Huntn macrumors P6


    May 5, 2008
    The Misty Mountains
    I'm surprised you (OP) were able to hide it for several years. You must of taken some elaborate precautions to hide the telltale signs, mostly the smell. :)

    Btw, good move to stop for you, besides your girl friend. Just tell her you're sorry. Yes , she might question your honesty but if your relationship is good, she should get over it. It's not like cheating on her.

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