No doubt you have tried the passcodes you may have thought it was, with no success. 1234 4321 9876 etc have you tried some passcodes on the off chance. The three I quoted are quick ones we might use to get going in a hurry. Do you have an old 4 digit pin you used to use for something else? Is there a 4 digit number that is in your head from something recent and unrelated? Its unlikely you thought of 4 random digits, or did you? If you did, think hard, if you can recall, say the first one, you are down to 999 left, and not too silly an idea to try those over a few sessions over coming days
I would, but I only have one chance left (even though I didn't do it all that many times!). After you get a 60-minute shut down, you get 1 chance as ins O-N-E - not multiple chances like 5. Then you get O-N-E more chance after that 60-minute wait is over. After THAT, you have ONE more chance and then if that's wrong, your phone forces you to ...whatever that word is... reset (?). Basically you lose everything. Well I've used 2 of those 3 chances (60 minutes) up. Apple's confirmed that I only have one possible chance left. I have two ideas of what it *might* be but there's no guaranteeing I didn't already try them earlier during the failed attempts.

What I did when I created this damned passcode (beyond drinking wine and allowing myself to be distracted) is I made a square-shaped pattern on the keypad of numbers, starting or ending with 9. That should only be so many things, right? Wrong! The pattern I may not have tried yet would be a Z-shape. So either 9,7,3,1 or else 1,3,7,9. What kills me is I have one chance left and I don't know which it is and I'm not willing to take chances with those photos.
I'd like to say something that I think is pretty valid: I was super careful not to lose or hurt my phone or hurt my laptop, until I got the issue resolved that made it hard to back up my photos. I knew there was the small chance something could happen anyway (in terms of something suddenly breaking on its own and losing everything) but I was very careful and was just about to get that issue resolved and back everything up. I'd even made the appointment. The reality of the situation is that Apple made me feel safe about putting in many passcode attempts BECAUSE the phone asked me whether I wanted to set it to erase everything after 10 failed attempts. Knowing I'd never do that, I felt safe to guess to my heart's content as to what the passcode might be. If the phone (Apple) had never asked me which way I wanted to go re. that option, I'd have been more instinctively cautious. But even then, I didn't put all that many in! It was somewhere between 15 or 20. I would have put more in, admittedly, but after the first 2 or 3 times of getting about 5 tries per wait, they give you only 1 at a time between 60-minute waits. So what I'm saying is that the photos didn't get lost due to some fluke or it getting dropped in a puddle or the phone was stolen etc. I lost the photos (well technically not yet but for all intents and purposes I've lost them, seeing as I don't remember the code) because Apple didn't make it even remotely obvious that this could happen, if you didn't choose to set it to erase. I know many here don't agree with me but I believe it's on Apple since the photos weren't lost due to any of these other reasons but rather simply because they mislead me to feel safe and secure about putting in several passcode attempts! I wouldn't be mad at them AT ALL had I lost the photos due to ANY. OTHER. REASON.
Sorry I'm still ranting, and giving everyone too much to read lol.
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2 suggestions..
1. your grandma is still alive by the sounds of it. GO TAKE MORE PICTURES OF HER. GET YOUR FAMILY THERE AND STOP STRESSING. Recreate the birthday party again, it will give you and your grandma a chance to see everyone again in case youre right and she doesn't have long left.
'I know its a pain for what happened but its not the end of the world.
Be more careful with your new phone.
2. Get drunk and try to put in the password. You might be in the same frame of mind and actually remember it.
Good Luck!
Thanks for the sound advice.

I am going to visit her again but our finances go up and down and right now they're down (TMI) but still, I guess I'd rather have debt than not see her again and take the opportunity you wisely suggest. I certainly can't afford to take the fam with me though (flying) but I can at least go alone. It was no nice seeing her with the kids though.

Damn damn damn. I don't know if if was you or someone else who suggested getting buzzed again but it's not a bad idea! However I'm still so mad at myself that everytime I see the bottle of wine on the kitchen counter (same bottle still sitting there) I get more mad. I'd rather bash it over my head and see if that helps!!! Thank you - I really appreciate it.