People still use ethernet cables as a "typical" usage scenario? That's interesting, I only use Ethernet if I want lagless gaming and/or reliable gigabit speeds.
It sounds like you don't need a laptop. You should get a retina iMac.
If you really want a laptop, get a retina Macbook Pro 15" and
pair it with a thunderbolt dock. The MacBook
obviously doesn't suit your specific needs. Why do you think Apple maintained the Macbook Pro line?
There is no laptop on the market now that satisfies your "typical usage scenario" without compromising on
something (weight / portability, battery life, processing power, display resolution etc.)