My dad died

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by dukebound85, Mar 25, 2016.

  1. dukebound85 macrumors P6


    Jul 17, 2005
    5045 feet above sea level
    My dad died Wed eve from a sudden heart attack while shoveling snow for my mom. We had a freak blizzard in Colorado on Wednesday. I can't help but think that if it hadn't snowed, then he would still be here.

    It haunts me seeing where he died on the driveway every time I go visit my parents. It haunts me seeing how he looked when they were trying to save him. It haunts me how his arm was cold as i held it when he was gone. It haunts me when I saw the hospital decide to give up.

    It seems like it's all a dream. I can't help but hope he will walk through the door once more. What kills me is that there was no warning and that the snow he was shoveling has all but melted now.

    It is hard going to my parents and seeing his seat with his coffee and food as it were when he got up to shovel and never came back.

    It is hard being strong for my mom when I am feeling emotional myself.

    This is the first death I have experienced since I was 10 and the first that was really close to me. I am almost 31 and I don't know what to make of life anymore. What I used to value as important no longer has meaning. What I used to worry about doesn't seem worthwhile. I don't know when I will be ready to go back to work or what may be.

    Life is hard.

    I love you dad
  2. MacNut macrumors Core


    Jan 4, 2002
    Sorry for your loss. Don't blame yourself or even the snow. His heart could and most likely would have given out suddenly wether it snowed or not. My Grandfather died suddenly of a massive heart attack and he wasn't even doing anything extraneous. These things happen, heart attacks are the silent killer and can strike anywhere at any time.

    Again my condolences.
  3. mildocjr macrumors 65816

    Sorry to hear about that bud, best wishes for you and your family.
  4. Huntn macrumors P6


    May 5, 2008
    The Misty Mountains
    Sorry for your loss.

    Not meant as a pep talk, but life is part of death and many of us are relatively sheltered from it in the first half of life and then people start dropping (whenever that starts). A parent can be especially traumatic, and although there are what ifs involved, could the person survive, maybe, maybe not. However if fate has determined this is the end in some ways keeling over is not the worst way to go. Although you might get an opportunity to say good by, a drawn out ending it's not a preferred ending from my perspective. I watched my Mom slowly deteriorate for a year. She was happy to see her kids, but her quality of life was awful and in the last 3 months she was living a bad dream. Quick would have been better.
  5. pmau macrumors 68000

    Nov 9, 2010
    It's hard to come up with something appropriate to write ... I have read your post. I'm very sorry for your loss.
  6. tobefirst macrumors 68040


    Jan 24, 2005
    St. Louis, MO

    My condolences, @dukebound85.

    I lost my mother suddenly 14 years ago now (two days before Easter). I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. Your father's qualities will live on in you, your mother, and your family. You'll begin to see (even more clearly) pieces of your dad in other people and find comfort in that, I suspect. I know I do.
  7. Scepticalscribe, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016

    Scepticalscribe Contributor


    Jul 29, 2008
    The Far Horizon
    I am very sorry for your loss, and you have my most sincere condolences. Death is not easy, and sudden death is shocking - but, with the passage of time, does become easier to deal with.

    My father died eleven years ago, and I still miss him.

    But, don't blame yourself: For example, you could also torture yourself with 'if-only situations' - such as, if the snow hadn't melted, and your mother had slipped, and fallen, breaking a limb, because nobody had shovelled away the snow on the drive in order to make it safe....

    However, he was clearly the sort of man who would choose to get up (without needing to be asked) and volunteer to shovel snow off the driveway, the sort of man who anticipated what needed to be done and did it, rather than the sort of man who allowed others to do those jobs. A man with a generous and giving character.

    And such thoughtful behaviour - the sort of behaviour that will be remembered with warm affection long after the immediate pain and shock and grief have subsided - is probably one of the reasons your mother married him and stayed with him and loved him. This is the man he was.

    For what it is worth, my mother's favourite cousin died in a similar way: A lovely man, his daughter's car had stalled, as the engine battery had failed - and he tried to give it a push, to get it started, and collapsed on the driveway, having suffered a massive cardiac arrest.
    --- Post Merged, Mar 25, 2016 ---
    Agreed, @Huntn. At the moment, I am living through the later stages of - and with - my mother's advanced dementia.

    Seriously, @dukebound85 - though you do not think it now, a fast end - though shocking, - is better. It is more upsetting, because unexpected, and you have not had time to prepare for it, but it is better for the person who has died, and you will remember them all your life as who they were themselves, not as a shadow of themselves, where their personality is slowly disintegrating as their mental and physical health deteriorates.

    In this sort of situation, the person who dies, dies as themselves, doing what it was - such as anticipating the needs of others by shovelling snow off a driveway - that made them such an attractive person in the first place. That is really a very nice - and odd though it may seem to say now, fulfilling - way to go.
  8. prostuff1 macrumors 65816


    Jul 29, 2005
    Don't step into the kawoosh...
    Sorry for your lose.

    I lost my grandfather to a heart attack almost 15 years ago now. He was not doing anything hard or labor intensive. He had just gotten up at 6am like normal went to the bathroom at the other end of the house, like he always did, to to shave and not wake grandma up. He had a heart attack while shaving and grandma found him when she got up about an hour later.
  9. jbachandouris macrumors 601


    Aug 18, 2009
    Upstate NY
    My father died 24 years ago at the age of 57; the day after a heart catherization. That's half my life. I'm still jealous/angry that others get to hang out with their dad and I don't.

    As for being strong: not crying when you need to is WEAKNESS not strength. You need to grieve, just don't stay in grieving forever. Process your pain in whatever way works for you.

    Yet another reason I want to smack people who say shoveling is good exercise.
  10. ucfgrad93 macrumors P6


    Aug 17, 2007
    Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.
  11. Gregg2 macrumors 603

    May 22, 2008
    Milwaukee, WI
    Sorry for your loss. I've lost both parents, and I know how difficult that is.
  12. Apple fanboy macrumors Penryn

    Apple fanboy

    Feb 21, 2012
    Behind the Lens, UK
    Life is hard. Agreed. However it's okay to grieve with your mum. You don't have to be strong all the time.
    I'm dealing with a loss myself this year (although not a death). It is the little things that bring the tears. Things around the house, things missing from the house.
    Find people you can talk to and hang in there. It will get easier with time.
  13. zachlegomaniac macrumors 6502a


    Sep 20, 2008
    I'm also so sorry to hear about your loss. It's terrible.

    I'm about your age, and from the time I was 11 until I was 21 I suffered 5 freak losses of people who went "before their time" within my extended family. It was a bizarre experience, and affected me in such a way that I have had a hard time going through life on a daily basis without thinking about my own mortality. I perform well at work, but it seems pointless at times. I feel like I exist on a different plane than some folks (which probably isn't true).

    On the other hand, I have found that the benefits include increased empathy for others, and a profound gratitude for each day that I do have with my healthy loved ones.

    I think your father would encourage you to live in (and seize) the moment, and stay as happy as you can. Right now I'm sure it's important to grieve in the moment, but as you move forward it's something to consider. I can't imagine losing my mother, father, sister or brother.

    Be sure to stay open with friends and family, and even consider speaking to a counsellor.

    Again, so sorry, and my very sincere condolences. This, too, shall pass. God bless your father, and may he rest in peace. I know I'm simply a fellow fellow forum member, but you can always feel free to reach out to me here with a message. You will be in my thoughts.
  14. mobilehaathi macrumors G3


    Aug 19, 2008
    The Anthropocene
    Sorry to hear this duke, I hope you're able to take some time to be with your family, reflect, grieve, but also celebrate your father's life.
  15. JamesMike macrumors demi-god


    Nov 3, 2014
    Having been close to death on a number occasions I value life very much, don't allow the death of your father to drag you down he would not want that. I will say a prayer for you.
  16. macuser27 macrumors regular


    Oct 8, 2011
    London , UK
    Very sorry to hear of your loss dude .

    I remember when my dad had his heart attack , not a pleasant experience by any means .

    Hope it starts to ease soon for you buddy you and your family have my love on this matter .
  17. AlliFlowers Contributor


    Jan 1, 2011
    L.A. (Lower Alabama)
    I'm sorry for your loss. As others have said, in many ways he was lucky to go quickly. At the age of 77, my father had a car accident. He was on life support and in agony for a month. Nobody had a chance to say goodbye. You do that by expressing your love while people are alive.
  18. bruinsrme macrumors 603


    Oct 26, 2008
    Sorry for your loss.
    Celebrate his life every year, I am sure he would want that.
  19. macs4nw, Mar 25, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2016

    macs4nw macrumors 601


    I'm very sorry to hear that. I went through that as well (twice), and when my dad passed away, I was depressed for months, couldn't see the beauty in anything anymore, couldn't muster a smile in those bleak days. But at times, grieving is a necessary process for all of us and time really does heal such wounds. It will be difficult to see any positive aspect to your loss, as sudden as it came, but all of us have to die at some point in our lives, and having seen people die slow agonizing deaths with excruciating pain despite the best palliative care, you may take comfort from the fact he did not suffer greatly.

    As painful as it may be at the moment dealing with your own loss, with a huge emotional void in her life in addition to the stress of losing her life-long partner and best friend, while at the same time having to make all these sudden arrangements on her own, without her husband's support, your mother needs you now more than ever, so spending more time with her will give both of you strength to face life anew.

    I wish you and your family nothing but the best in this most difficult time of your lives.
  20. maxsix Suspended


    Jun 28, 2015
    Western Hemisphere
    My sincere condolences.

    Be strong your family needs you, your friends here believe in you.

    Take life a day at a time, you can do it.

    Peace and tranquility.
  21. A.Goldberg macrumors 68020


    Jan 31, 2015
    Sorry for your loss. I can only imagine your pain of losing a parent.

    Our minds love to wander to "if only" or "I should have" but the reality is no one can predict the future and we all have limited time here. The amazing gift of life unfortunately does not last forever and at some point that gift must be returned. Try not to dwell on the tragedy of the final moments, instead the fond memories and the impact your father made- and how he may live on through you and those he touched.

    4 years ago I lost my 26YO brother due to meningitis. I was 23. He was my best friend in the world and I miss him literally every day. Benji's death however provided me the greatest wisdom I've ever recieved, a true appreciation for the miracle of life. I try to live my life to the fullest knowing how precious life is. Looking at my life pre/post his death, I'm honestly not sure my life would be as fullfilling today otherwise...

    Take care of your family and take care of yourself. Ask for help and recieve it when you needed- don't overburden yourself. Grieving a process. Feelings are meant to be felt. You will eventually feel better, good things will happen, live will go on, but life will never be quite the same. There is a beauty in that though, knowing everything comes to pass and yet your loved one made such an impact that life simply cannot be the same.

    Please accept my deepest condolences and I wish peace and comfort for you and your family.
  22. Roller macrumors 68020

    Jun 25, 2003
    I'm very sorry to hear about your father's passing, @dukebound85. My dad succumbed to a heart attack when I was nine. It took me a while to understand that I would never get over it; rather, I learned to live with it. I'm in my 60s now and often think of the times I spent with my father and smile. I'm sure that you'll be able to do the same as you draw on the good memories you have of your dad. Be well.
  23. ejb190, Mar 26, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2016

    ejb190 macrumors 65816


    Amen, Roller.

    So sorry, Dukebound. I know you want to be strong, but give yourself permission to grieve. Sometimes the tears will hit you when you least expect it - even far in the future - and that's okay.
  24. parajba macrumors 6502

    Apr 19, 2008

    I am very sorry about words can make it better...I hope that with time it will all be a little bit more bearable, although it must hurt a lot right sorry.
  25. rdowns macrumors Penryn


    Jul 11, 2003
    Very sorry to hear that Duke. My condolences.

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