All new Macbook Pro. The thing you were waiting for.
New, razor thin design. With Unibody introduction, we have removed the soft plastic bezel around the corners, so that you could be hurt by sharp edges more easily. Now we take another step forward —*now, the cutting edge is really cutting. The edge of the new Macbook Pro is so thin it can slice bread, and your weiner can be sliced too.
The Apple technology was always hot. And now we take “hot” to yet another level. Previously hot as in “hot chicks,” it's now also hot as in “hot chocolate.” A case this thin ought to grow extremely hot. If you have the balls to put your laptop in your lap, they will be fried deep in mere five minutes.
SSDs everywhere. Man, this is the next cool thing. Now we put SSDs anywhere, with no other options to consider. The whole whopping 256 GBs of SSD in all new Macbook Pros! Forget about the days when you were wondering what to do with all that free space on that bulky, clumsy and old 1000 GB HDD. Now you will have one hassle less with our proprietary 256 GB SSDs. See how blazing fast it is on our specially crafted tests, and never mind Logic Pro giving you “The disk is too slow!” alert now and then.
We also ditch Firewire for USB and Thunderbolt everywhere. Throw away your old faithful and perfectly working recording rig which you've once sold your house to buy. You won't need it anymore with USB, which is high speed enough (never mind it stutters and loses data under heavy load and full duplex data exchange, especially via a hub which you will require because we've given you only one port), and with Thunderbolt which is even faster (and which you don't have any peripherals for).
As if previous Macbook screens were not glossy enough, we both increase the resolution and applying more gloss all over our displays, never mind you'll need a new pair of eyes to see anything on them and that they have a 6-bit DAC, but man, they are so sexy on our marketing photos! You are already feeling an immediate urge to buy one. We also ditch the matte option; who needs it when you have so sexy glossy displays?
With shiny new apps, we have merged iOS and Mac OS X 10.8 Рussу. It has no Unix legacy. Why use grep, sed, awk or diff, when you can have the glossy apps all over your glossy screen? Admit it, you don't need a powerful tool when all you do is posting <excrements> on your Facebook profile. It just works with apps. Pros? Who just said “Pros?” This is just a money name.
Enjoy your new Macbook Pro. We'll enjoy your money and watch you crawl to us, asking for more.