Obsessive workaholism / work-life balance

[D.T.]

Right, I love the subject matter (computers, programming), but it is all else that really drains me in a work environment - the politics, the big egos, workaholism, and yes, also bullying, and people's inability to realize that at the end of the day, it is just a ph ucking job.

I always knew (from a very young age) I wanted to be in a position where there wasn't a power struggle, were I was in a position to control the situation (not "in charge", just very autonomous), so in my professional life, I've never worked under such conditions, i.e., having to defend my turf, or be the subject of workplace bullying, whatever.

In terms of the work itself, if I had to sit in a cubicle, for a typical developer salary,writing nothing but .NET code to support the same 8-10 enterprise systems - for a decade - yeah, I'd flip out

However, we're constantly doing new things, with different clients, across various industries, while generating a solid amount of revenue that affords us a lot of flexibility with our personal time.

 

[0002378]

Spiritual yes, orthodox any-religion no, although I am so rooted in Anglican beliefs and traditions via music and liking for the architecture of the cathedrals in which it's still sung that it would be hard for me to unravel all of that completely even if I wanted to.

I've heard of Tolle. I have not read his works, probably because I was put off them by a friend's at one time incessant references to them --which sounded sort of derivative of eastern religions to me anyway-- even if Tolle's transformative experiences were genuine and even if his writings have helped people sort themselves out. I guess you could say I have a kind of second-hand appreciation of his ability to help people, since my friend did regain a feeling of being centered in his work/life balances (and stopped talking so much about Tolle, which Tolle himself might even find perfectly acceptable).

I'm not a practicing Buddhist any more than a practicing Anglican. I'm in long term recovery from alcoholism however, and figure I cannot afford to let resentments build up to the point where I forget that and lose the by now very comfortable mantle of my sobriety. In my continuously trying to design a life that's a good mix of challenges and recreations, the Buddha painting came in very handy for me while I was dealing with high-pressure infotech-centered jobs.

That red bowl got some workout, since my colleagues in turn were under pressure and so sometimes pressured me past my authority to help them resolve their task issues. "No means no" I used to say... and I meant it, and then had to be able to accept with equanimity the fact that a senior VP could and did sometimes override my decisions, if the pressure not to let security issues obstruct conduct of business became enough of a game changer.

The red bowl was a reminder to me that I had the option and maybe the obligation to surrender to the fact that I don't have to run the world --even if I'm occasionally inclined to think so-- and that anyway I don't have the power to control other people's behavior. It was never my job to punish someone who managed to get some exec to take risks I was not allowed to take. So my best option when I lost one of those battles was stick my recollection of a bad day in that red bowl. Next time that colleague and I locked horns, the subject of the new discussion was always and only about whatever was the new issue. Keeping it "in the now" really matters in situations like that.

The red bowl was definitely where I mentally put resentments when something went wrong on one of those "do it anyway" gigs and the exec later then blamed me for something like "not making it clear what the downside could be," etc, etc. This after maybe I had given up 45 minutes of sleep to be on the phone with him at 2am outlining the downsides and offering alternatives.

Life is short (even if some moments are way, way longer than others) and the great thing about life is that it does just leaf out one day at a time. It always offers a natural path towards starting over: to rest, sleep, let a new morning be a clean slate.

The cool thing about the red bowl in that painting is that it never overflows.

Thanks very much for sharing this. What you've written makes a lot of sense to me. You definitely seem like you've awakened in your life, through your challenges. That is evident from what you wrote.

I can especially relate to what you said about surrendering and realizing that you don't have the power to control others. The essence of what Eckhart (and so many others) are trying to say is that nothing in life is that serious ... so we can let go of rigid expectations and the illusion of control/power. That is really all there is to it ... it's not about some obscure spiritual new-age mumbo jumbo ... it is just about a simple shift in perspective ... a stepping back from the little picture to see the big picture. If only people realized this, I think the world would be a much nicer place, and workplaces would be much nicer places.

And, I can empathize with you somewhat about alcoholism. I've had my own brush with it.

 

[NeilHD]

I'm a software engineer with 20 years experience. I'll be turning 40 this year.

These days, and for the past few years, I don't work overtime. I like to start and finish early (partly because it suits me, and partly as I deal with people in a different timezone a lot), so I start at 07:30 and walk out the door at 16:30 on the dot. Meetings arranged for after 16:30 get declined. I don't normally read my emails on weekends or in the evening. I take a lunch break and get out for a walk every day. I do what I'm paid to do and I leave.

I see no benefit in working all the hours possible. I've led teams, and don't expect them to work beyond their normal hours either. I might, very occasionally, work through lunch or stay a bit late - but only if there's an emergency and professional responsibility takes over. Definitely not because somebody promised a project by some arbitrary deadline! I did answer one support call on a Sunday last year when I had a pleading message from our helpdesk to sort out a live issue that nobody else knew how to fix (first thing I did on the Monday was spread the knowledge!).

Nobody benefits from working yourself to death. If your company expects it - FIND ANOTHER COMPANY. As a developer with several years experience, that shouldn't be to difficult.

To me, my non-work life (i.e. my family) comes first. I work to live, not live to work. I also don't do spare-time programming on open source or personal projects. I don't have "spare" time. I have "family" time. I appreciate this might be different for those who aren't yet married, or have kids. When the kids are older I might even do some spare time stuff again. But if I do it'll be because I want to, not because it's expected of me.

Don't think I've got no ambition and just punch a clock. I work hard and work smart whilst at work. I lead a team and I even earn the most out of the wider group. I'm not the best developer on the team from a technical point of view (although I'm no slouch), but I am good at interfacing with other business departments and doing what they need in a timely fashion.

The company I work for is reasonably understanding of "no, you can't have it by that date", but I'm thinking it might be time to move on. I've been here 6 years and it's becoming a lot more "corporate" now. Much more HR-driven (a few years ago we actually had zero HR people). We now have loads of PMs/BAs/Product Owners and it's becoming a bit of a muddled mess. Then again, the pay is good, the commute is easy, and it's a flexible enough place. So why risk it for something that might be worse?

 

[jeyf]

congratulations but 6yr is a long time. Does it work to your advantage to stay that long.

 

[0002378]

I work to live, not live to work.

Thanks for sharing. It's good to know that there are others out there (like you) who see things this way.

Wish I could have ended up with team leaders like you.

 

[D.T.]

I am good at interfacing with other business departments and doing what they need in a timely fashion.

[doublepost=1515450325][/doublepost]

Wish I could have ended up with team leaders like you.

People are _always_ the hardest part of the equation. When I was growing my 2nd business, it took excruciatingly long to find a good developer - because finding some code-monkey with decent skills was that hard, but I was looking at everything else - personality, a sense of humor, an intuitive intellect (this is back to the more "hard skills", but I wanted people who could think out of the box). In turn, we provided an incredible work environment, we had almost no turnover (outside of major events like a move, etc.)
[doublepost=1515450417][/doublepost]@maculateConception

OOC, what kind of work were you doing? What kind of tech? Industry? (You don't have to get specific, I understand wanting to be anonymous ...)

 

[0002378]

OOC, what kind of work were you doing? What kind of tech? Industry? (You don't have to get specific, I understand wanting to be anonymous ...)

I was a Core Java developer writing back end components (SOA services) for an online conferencing suite of products, of which GoToMeeting is the most well-known. Apart from that, I maintained an in-house framework for load testing of those SOA services (entirely by myself). I also helped with hiring, i.e. reading resumes, interviewing, and helping make decisions based on those interviews.

Again, the work itself, was top notch - cutting edge technologies (we did a lot of AWS, for instance), fascinating stuff, really. But, the people ? I don't have adequate words.

 

[rafark]

Being a programmer gives you the power to not work for others, unless you're a senior exec of a huge Company, have you not consider openning your own company? Everyone and their dog has a saas of some sorts these days.

 

[0002378]

Being a programmer gives you the power to not work for others, unless you're a senior exec of a huge Company, have you not consider openning your own company? Everyone and their dog has a saas of some sorts these days.

I'm done with the tech field For good.

 

[NeilHD]

congratulations but 6yr is a long time. Does it work to your advantage to stay that long.

Depends what advantage you mean, I suppose.

I am getting somewhat disillusioned here now and I don't like the way it's going. So from that point of view it's time to leave. However, the pay is great and the location is convenient. Also I can work from home if I need to. So from that point of view I don't want to leave.

I'm thinking my next move would be to a more management type role. I don't know if I can code forever!

 

[jeyf]

... my next move would be management don't know if I can code forever!

Keep the day job, its important to do want you want but would it be? a good tome to consider starting an alternate income stream. Some sort of none tech business maybe.

one guy here started an online company to legally laundry cash from pot sales revenue into the US banks.
or
any type of brick & mortar that is not in competition with the web

look at what skills matter

 

[Blaze4G]

I am in the tech field but not a programmer. Well, my major is computer science and I can program but half way through my degree I really started to dislike programming.

I've noticed people in the tech feel seems to lack social skills (not all but much more than other fields). My previous job I was there for 7 months and got burnt out because of a boss with a big ego and likes to display his power as the big bad network director that can do as he like. He wanted everything to be done exactly like he does it....when I mean everything, down to emails, if the paragraph does not have an indentation he flips out and literally argues with me.

Thankfully, I left that job and I am now a system admin and I don't have a boss hovering over me. Loving my job now. I don't think you should make 1 company turn you off from the field you're in.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Fascinating, interesting and very instructive thread.

My thanks to the OP for starting it.

 

[yaxomoxay]

I'm done with the tech field For good.

Same here.

 

[BarracksSi]

Depends what advantage you mean, I suppose.

I am getting somewhat disillusioned here now and I don't like the way it's going. So from that point of view it's time to leave. However, the pay is great and the location is convenient. Also I can work from home if I need to. So from that point of view I don't want to leave.

I'm thinking my next move would be to a more management type role. I don't know if I can code forever!

Where I used to be, we were able to respect our management because they had walked in the same shoes that we did.

Changing to a new role can spark some interest, and the further up the chain of command you get, the more you can influence the direction of the company.

I remember that as my role grew before, I was able to say with more authority, "Why do we keep doing it this way? It sucks. Everybody hates it, and it's not solving the problem. Can we try this other method instead?"

 

[Phil in ocala]

I'm getting called by my little G to get a controller connected to her new machine, but I have some (read: a lot) of input on this having been in the tech sector for 25+ years in the development (and architecture/writer), might have some insight I'll try to catch back up later (maybe I'll use her machine )

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I never heard anyone on their death bed say: "if I had my life to live over....I would worked more"

 

[0002378]

I've noticed people in the tech feel seems to lack social skills (not all but much more than other fields).

You're right. In addition, I've noticed that people in the tech field lack life skills ... don't know how to live a balanced and harmonious life. Most of them (and I've known them personally too) are unhealthy, don't engage in self-care, are stressed to the point of seemingly imminent cardiac arrest, don't go home and bang their wives, and want to do nothing their whole lives other than sit in front of the the F ing computer. They have huge egos and brag about knowing this and knowing that and doing this and doing that.

That said, I did know a couple of programmers who I actually looked up to as role models for how good they were with their time management and balance. I got to know a bit about their personal lives and thought to myself, "Man, I wish I could be you." They were probably the smartest of the lot, technically, and they were also the most humble and pleasant to talk to (go figure !) But these types are rare.

I don't think you should make 1 company turn you off from the field you're in.

Nah, my reasons for leaving the tech field are far deeper than the 1 company I mentioned. It goes into my personal philosophy regarding tech/machines and human interaction with them, but I won't bore anyone with that unless asked to elaborate
[doublepost=1515786703][/doublepost]

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I never heard anyone on their death bed say: "if I had my life to live over....I would worked more"

Yes, but the types of folks I've worked with don't think they'll ever die ... they've got endless time working on the computer. You're not dealing with mere mortals here

How do I know this ? Because if they realized they only had one finite life to live, they'd get off their a$$es and out of their dungeons and go see the world and do something different.
[doublepost=1515787864][/doublepost]

one guy here started an online company to legally laundry cash from pot sales revenue into the US banks

Tony Montana now has a tech guy on his payroll ???

 

[RedKite]

Working in tech is dreadful. The attitudes are bad. You’re expected to give up so much to make a CEO rich. I abandoned working for other people about 10 years ago and I found myself working less time, making more money... sure there’s more risk too.

I remember a contract I signed, one of my few salaried jobs, it said I had to work additional hours, something called Crunch, without additional pay.

Nope. I walked away. I went public with it and shamed the company involved. They changed their policy and I hope other companies saw what happened and did too. It’s a disgusting behaviour! Your life is too important for ******** like that.

 

[D.T.]

Working in tech is dreadful.

Working for bad companies is dreadful, working in the tech sector can be fantastic.

 

[Huntn]

I am not an expert on workaholicism, however I can understand how it might be generated, a fear that if you are not working all the time, you will be outperformed, and possibly suffer for that in some way. I can see that climate existing in an organization. But there also maybe a psychological aspect, insecurity. In the military, the one stand out workaholic that I new, was considered an odd duck and was not well liked because his leadership skills were not great.

This is separate from a climate in an organization, where you have 3 months worth of work with a 1 month deadline. That’s more of a do or die situation, but then the question becomes, is this the exception or the long term rule of employment in that organization?

 

[D.T.]

I am in the tech field but not a programmer. Well, my major is computer science and I can program but half way through my degree I really started to dislike programming.

I've noticed people in the tech feel seems to lack social skills (not all but much more than other fields).

If you like programming - as in the process itself, writing code, solving problems, researching new technology solutions - then combine that with good social skills, and you can make a few bucks

 

[RedKite]

Working for bad companies is dreadful, working in the tech sector can be fantastic.

That’s true. I guess it’s more the culture about working there. Often people feel privileged to be offered a well paid job or to work with a powerful company that they look over details in their contracts. That’s something companies know and exploit. And even though there have been isolated storms in teacups there’s still no revolution with these companies. There needs to be a strong union.

 

[jeyf]

-Unions created the middle class i mean peeps seem to say just bad things about unions.
[doublepost=1515864361][/doublepost]-not related to the above but workaholicism; I have never worked harder faster than working for myself. I posted above that aspiring tech professionals should strike out on their own and crate an alternate personal revenue stream. This will possibly make you more creative in the day job.

-few men are an island:
A functional husband, wife or whatever can act as an enabler and provide an environment that dissipates some negative energy. Take the chance but hook up with the wrong partner and life can be significantly worse. The stereotype; tech professionals totally lack personal skills, they always hook up with junk partners.

 

[eyoungren]

OP, I have no solutions or suggestions for you.

I will just relate my experience and current situation and how I deal with it. Maybe you can glean something for that, IDK.

I work in a dying industry. I'm a Graphic Designer in the newspaper industry. I got started in 1999 when I finally ditched working for UPS part time and got my Associate Degree (yeah, no Bachelors).

Moving along to 2004 I ended up in my current job, a small weekly community newspaper. Up until 2013 I had one other person to help me. Now I don't. Because of the economy our 20+ person staff has been reduced to around ten people and two of those are the boss and his brother.

I still consider myself lucky to have a job. I didn't lose it when the economy went south although my pay and hours were cut at a certain point (since returned). I was made manager in order to prevent me from leaving.

Yeah, a manager of a department that has one person (me).

Relations with everyone I work with, save one narcissistic and greedy person, are decent. Everything is repetitive, my ability to design anything is limited though.

Most of our business customers are non-tech people, have specific ideas about what they want their ads to look like and don't deviate. A large percentage of those customers actually run their business as a hobby - they've already made their money somewhere else. Many of them seem intent on running nothing but ugly in their ads. I haven't designed anything serious in years. I just gave up on it, particularly in light of that one selfish, greedy employee I mentioned.

These are people who believe it's entirely acceptable to run a business and have a gmail, yahoo, aol or hotmail account as their primary business communication. They cannot grasp that purchasing a domain appropriate to their business is dirt cheap and would be an advantage. They don't care either. Yet I have to deal with these customers who cannot even grasp basic concepts about the current world they live in.

I cannot take a vacation. The one person who could conceivably cover for me is not capable of doing so, even when she was back working with me. On top of her current duties it's not going to happen. I haven't had a real vacation (one week) in 10 years. Holidays are all I get because no one is there at work.

When I get sick I have to plan the day I call in. Mondays and Wednesdays are out as I am the only person that can put the paper together and get it sent. So if I'm sick on those days I am at work.

Mentally it's draining. The only professional growth I get is the kind I create for myself. Part of my secondary duties is being our server/IT admin and taking care of the computers and servers at work. But getting the company to spend any money on toner or copy paper is difficult enough. Spending on computers/parts only happens when those things irreparably break.

If upgrades happen for software…that's me. Currently I am stuck between the need to upgrade and the inability to upgrade older apps. I've had to abandon my boss's directive to maintain compatibility with my coworker in order to be reasonably up to date. Up until late 2017 I was still using InDesign CS4 just to be compatible.

No one reads print any more. The customers we serve are all subscription based. They get their newspapers via US Mail so we have to deliver on time. But these generally are all older people. Very few of our customers are younger. When these people die off or move on there will be no one to replace them.

The industry as a whole is dying. A lot of newspapers have moved online. If you saw our websites you'd swear you were in 2000 or 2001. But getting management to update things, let alone move to newer technology is about the same as trying to get them to update computers. It's not going to happen.

This isn't how I thought my career would go, being professionally trapped in a job where I have no professional growth opportunities or advancement opportunies. I show up to work at 7:30 am and leave around 4:30pm to 5pm. My evenings and my weekends, though, are my own and I do with them as I will.

Yet, in a way I'm grateful. My boss is very understanding about my schedule. My children are allowed to be with me when there is no one there at home, while I work. I make my own schedule, can come and go as I please. My boss has no restrictions on me as long as the work is done. I have an area all to myself, all my computers in my area are completely controllable by me. I can install and use whatever apps I wish or need. I can browse the internet a lot and participate in forums while at work. As long as what I need to do gets done on time - my boss does not care.

Yet I am stagnant in a dying industry. I thought about this a week ago and decided that I'd take a tip from actors and make the process of what I do the important thing. It's easier to be happy about the process of my work than the actual results. Because honestly, no one cares about what I do. And if they do, they won't care later on when what I do no longer applies.

So, being able to do as I wish, use the apps I use to get the job done and going through that process is what works for me to keep my sanity.

Lastly, I remain in this job for two reasons - my son and my daughter. Without this job, the rent does not get paid and all the things we need don't get bought. My wife and I together would be fine, but I need to hold on to this job until my 9 year old daughter (the youngest) turns 18 and moves out.

It appears that the main reason for the continued existence of the company I work for is to maintain the lifestyle of the boss and his family. They no longer seem interested in expanding the business and are focused just on this. There is no one who is going to take over. When my boss is done the business will either close or be sold. We stopped printing our own papers five years ago when the press could no longer produce the quality people demand now.

But fortunately, my boss is still young enough that my kids will hit 18 before this place folds.

That's the major reason I hang on.

 

[0002378]

OP, I have no solutions or suggestions for you.

I will just relate my experience and current situation and how I deal with it. Maybe you can glean something for that, IDK.

Excellent, coz I'm actually not looking for solutions at all. Just wanna hear about what others have gone through.
[doublepost=1515876758][/doublepost]

That's the major reason I hang on.

And I hope you also have one eye (or half of one) on other jobs you could move on to. It's always good to have your a$$ covered, in case your current job drops dead one day.

I've learned one simple and universal rule - it's every man and woman for him/herself. Every person's first loyalty is to him/herself. It's the same out there in the forest between lions or tigers, only it looks more sophisticated with humans ... there's more of a charade.