Parents confront me about being gay

Shaun.P

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Jul 14, 2003
1,599
13
Omicron Persei 8
Hey I'm 18 years old and gay. I have made friends with a gay guy at my work and he has helped me a lot about being gay. We sent each other texts talking about it. Stuff about how I wish I was 'normal' and how I don't think I can tell anyone. However, my mum went through my phone - unaware to me - and read my messages that this person had sent to me. I was 50% sure she went through my messages as she new the persons name and I never mentioned them before. I never used to go out drinking but since I got my car (about a month ago) [I had a thread posted earlier - 'Car Woes'] I have gained a lot of confidence and have started going out for a drink etc with people from my work. Last night I was out until 3am - which I would never have done if it wasn't for my friend persuading me to come out and helping me. We are just friends - nothing more.

Anyway, my mum is very nosy and she keeps asking me about who I'm going out with, and she keeps asking me stuff about this person from my work. I dropped hints letting her know that I knew she went through my phone.

Today my Dad said he wanted to speak to me. He is the sort of person who respects your privacy, however I don't feel particularly close to him or my mum. I sat on his bed, him at one end, and me about a a meter and a half away from him. He asked me if I was gay and I had this rush of blood to the head, like that way you can't believe something that has happened just really did. I denied it. He asked me in a roundabout way at first 'car I expect any grandkids?'. I never answered. Eventually he asked if I was gay - and I said yes. I couldn't look at him I was holding a bottle of water and I kept playing with the cap. He then said he thought I was having a relationship with this person at my work. That let me know 100% that my mum did indeed go through my phone. I told him I wasn't comfortable with it. Everytime he said the word 'gay' it made me cringe - I couldn't believe that I had told him and that he knew. I wasn't expecting to tell him. He kept talking about it - I stood up to leave but he wouldn't let me go he told me to sit down because we need to talk about it. I sat down, further away and looking at the floor or out the window. I said 'It's not my fault I'm gay, OK?' he said that there was nothing wrong with it and he asked me who's fault it was. I told him no ones fault. THen he started going on about 'safety' and treating me like an idiot. 'No matter how good looking someone is or if it's a gay or straight guy they can have HIV' and he advised me to start carrying condoms in my wallet. Ugh.

I feel sick. I know it sounds as if it went well but I wasn't ready to tell him. I can't believe this has all came out. I don't think I can talk to him anymore knowing he knows. He said he will let my mum know at some point and she will probably want to talk to me about it. But I don't want to talk about it.

Has anything like this happened to you? What should I do? :(
 

mkrishnan

Moderator emeritus
Jan 9, 2004
29,777
12
Grand Rapids, MI, USA
*hugs*

I don't have any advice, and I haven't been through this, but I'm sorry that this did not happen on your terms and at your comfort level. It sounds like he really cares about you and supports you, and wants what is best for you, but I know this does not mean the same thing as being comfortable.

I hope that in the long term, it's the start of a better relationship with your parents?

*more hugs*
 

mactastic

macrumors 68040
Apr 24, 2003
3,681
665
Colly-fornia
Hang in there... I'm sure it's tough, but hopefully they'll accept it sooner rather than later.

How's it feel to finally be out to them? Is it a relief in any way?
 

XNine

macrumors 68040
Honestly, if you're father was still willing to talk with you about it, he's already accepting of it and isn't under the mindset of "OH NO, MY SON IS GAY!"

Just go with it. It's who YOU are. Don't listen to any ****ing Christian or bigot in here who say it's your choice. That's BS. It's who YOU ARE. And who you will always be.

You also need to tell your mother to stay out of your personal items. If she pays for the phone you have, that's one thing, but if you pay for it she needs to stay the hell out of it.

Don't be ashamed. At least you're not a date-rapist jock. There's nothing wrong with being "gay."
 

vniow

macrumors G4
Jul 18, 2002
10,266
0
I accidentally my whole location.
FearFactor47 said:
I said 'It's not my fault I'm gay, OK?' he said that there was nothing wrong with it and he asked me who's fault it was. I told him no ones fault. THen he started going on about 'safety' and treating me like an idiot. 'No matter how good looking someone is or if it's a gay or straight guy they can have HIV' and he advised me to start carrying condoms in my wallet. Ugh.
I know this sounds sort of condecending on his end but its simply him just being a parent concerned about his kid's safety. My parents did the same thing when I came out and with my sister as well when they suspected that she may not be entirely straight either.

Parents can show their concern is funny ways to their kids but that's what its really about. It may not sound like it but they're really looking out for your safety.
 

iBlue

macrumors Core
Mar 17, 2005
19,182
15
London, England
There is no good way to have these conversations with parents. I think even as uncomfortable as that was (is), it could have been much much worse. Give them time. I imagine there will be a wax and wane to their acceptance level but it sounds like they will come around.

You've taken the first step, even if you were pushed. Be as confident and secure with it as you can without being (what they would consider to be) disrespectful. It will take some getting used to (on all of your parts) this finally being acknowledged.
Just give it time.
 

Felldownthewell

macrumors 65816
Feb 10, 2006
1,053
0
Portland
While it was definatley sneaky for your mom to go through your phone, be glad that they didn't freak when you told them. It sounds like you are both ajusting to the idea, and hopefully it will work out. I don't really know what to tell you in terms of advice seeing as I am A)younger and B)not gay so haven't/will not have to deal with "comming out" but to tell you that you are who you are, and both you and your parents will have to learn to deal with it, which it seems like you are on the road to doing.

Good luck and I hope everything works out.
 

BakedBeans

macrumors 68040
May 6, 2004
3,054
0
What's Your Favorite Posish
There are lots of people around that will be able to give you good advice and a shoulder to cry on.

Feel for you buddy, It can't be anywhere near an easy thing to do. Just remember, being honest with yourself is more important than the strain of being honest with others.
 

Shaun.P

macrumors 68000
Original poster
Jul 14, 2003
1,599
13
Omicron Persei 8
No I pay for my own cell/mobile phone. She had no right going throught it. I even had my messages passworded. She must have saw me enter it. He said that my sexuality is my business and there is nothing wrong with it. I don't feel relieved. I am so stressed I don't think I can cope with this. I have told some people from my work but that is different. My dad said he has knowing me 18 years and knows I was gay. I told him my mum had no right going through my phone and he said 'that's mothers for you'.
 

iBlue

macrumors Core
Mar 17, 2005
19,182
15
London, England
It's a shock for them to find this out. It doesn't mean they don't love you or that they won't accept it. It's just a lot to absorb - not because it's wrong, but because it is a big deal. Everyone handles their reactions to big news differently.
 

Blue Velvet

Moderator emeritus
Jul 4, 2004
21,922
169
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard

'offer(s) support and initial advice to all callers on any problems they are facing'

'We aim to provide an information, support and referral service for lesbians, gay men and bisexual people from all backgrounds throughout the United Kingdom.'
 

iGav

macrumors G3
Mar 9, 2002
9,025
1
FearFactor47 said:
I know it sounds as if it went well but I wasn't ready to tell him.
Sounds like he already had it sussed mate...

It'll only become an issue if you let it... ;)

FearFactor47 said:
got my car - I have gained a lot of confidence
I take it it's working now then??? ;) :D
 

njmac

macrumors 68000
Jan 6, 2004
1,756
2
Why your father decided to confront you about it, I'm not sure but it probably had everything to do with what kind of messages you were receiving. To you, they could be very innocent and while it was WRONG of your mom to go through your phone - she did and obviously something she saw really concerned her.

I have heard of gay teenagers when they finally come out to their parents they get the "yeah, we know, or figured that you may be gay" kind of response but were never asked because their parents were letting them come out when they were ready. That's why I'm wondering what was in those messages that got your parents so scared.
 

Glen Quagmire

macrumors 6502a
Jan 6, 2006
512
0
UK
FearFactor47 said:
Has anything like this happened to you? What should I do? :(
I'm not gay, but my brother is and my mum isn't exactly what you'd call "open-minded". Keep your head held high and try not to let their fears/misgivings and seemingly inane questions get to you. They need time to adjust to the fact that you won't be supplying them with a load of grand children. They will have to learn to live with it, but this may take a while.

My mum seems to be more at ease with my brother being gay, and she has even met his boyfriend on a number of occasions. She will never be 100% comfortable with his sexuality, but that's her problem, not his.

My dad has never had any problems with my brother's sexuality, and neither have I nor our youngest brother. However, my brother has kept his outing confined to immediate family members only - no-one else knows about it, which is probably a wise strategy as most of them would probably have even more problems with it, and less chance of accepting or tolerating it, than my mum.

When you are 18, there is no excuse for your parents to be going through all your stuff. I would have a quiet word with them about that, if you can. Just express it as a general point of principle. You are an adult in the eyes of the law, and they should afford you the appropriate respect.
 

Bocheememon

macrumors regular
Mar 1, 2006
127
0
Fertile, MN
I'm glad to hear it went well.

I'm a gay guy as well. My family and everyone around me knew before I did.

Telling my mother wasn't completely easy. She was crying when I told her, so I know it wasn't something she wanted to hear. I have 2 other brothers and a sister, so if she wanted to be a grandmother, there shouldn't be a fuss. If I was in her shoes, I think I wouldn't have wanted to hear it from any of my kids.

My aunt found out and when I visited her out in Germany, she put me in a Pentacostal church and then tried to convert me to being straight. Well, being gay was only second to my religion, which is Catholic. She wanted me to convert Catholocism to Pentacostal.

Some parents take it to the limits by sending their kids into counseling, or even kicking them out of their home because of it. Personally, a parent should love their children no matter what differences they have. The world doesn't work that way though.

I'm glad my mother loved me and accepted my differences, or tried to. I felt happier knowing that I could be honest with myself and get closer to my mother. She passed away now, but its wonderful to remember the things your parents do for you.

EDIT:

Oh, I have a boyfriend of two years now! We want to get married once it is legal. I'm holding off till I'm done with college and have a job :)

My mother passed away before she could meet him.
 

iGary

Guest
May 26, 2004
19,583
1
Randy's House
Congratulations - seriously.

My mom died when I was 16, so it wasn't really a subject of discussion, and due to the same fears and "what if's" you are experiencing, I did not "come out" until I was in my late 20's.

You're lucky - it's hard now, but at least you'll have your younger years to be who you really are versus some pre-conceived notion of what everyone is suppsoed to be.

My dad and step mom were fine with it when I told them, but did have some issues when Rob entered the picture - not that Rob is a bad guy, just that they were actually faced with their son and another guy...instaead of just the notion of it.

*hugs*
 

njmac

macrumors 68000
Jan 6, 2004
1,756
2
vniow said:
I agree. That's far beyond the boundaries of caring or concern about something like this.
It is an invasion of his privacy. If I suspected one of my kids doing something that I thought would kill them are get them seriously injured - i would do anything including searching their room, their phone and anything else to help them. If they hated me for it, it would still be worth it. But just to randomly go through your children's private stuff is wrong and distrustful. If she suspected you were gay and thats why she did it - it just makes it worse. :mad:
 

devilot

Moderator emeritus
May 1, 2005
15,588
1
FearFactor47 said:
I feel sick. I know it sounds as if it went well but I wasn't ready to tell him. I can't believe this has all came out.

But I don't want to talk about it.
I'm sorry that coming out didn't happen on your terms. I am really glad, though, that your father seems to have a decent head on his shoulders. :eek: I don't think he was being an idiot for talking about safe-sex practices. Heck, I've never heard the word, 'sex' pass my parents' lips. It's a sign that your father either is already pretty saavy, or has done some research-- either way, he seems to be quite understanding. And at least, you didn't have to break the news to your mother-- he said he would, right? And he did give you a heads up that she'd eventually want to talk to you about it.

I think that if/whenever she confronted you, if you still don't feel comfortable talking about it, tell her that. Tell her you're glad that she and your father know and that at least he seems supportive (dunno how she feels), but you still need some time before you feel comfortable talking about it with them. I think that that is a reasonable request.

Good luck.
 

2nyRiggz

macrumors 603
Aug 20, 2005
6,159
66
Thank you Jah...I'm so Blessed
Your father took it well.....i really don't know what to say but maybe if you talk to your father(when you feel right about it) about the feelings you have then maybe you can come to terms with it....your father sounds very cool with it.


Bless
 

jsw

Moderator emeritus
Mar 16, 2004
22,910
41
Andover, MA
I know it was an invasion of privacy, but that is water under the bridge. Parents often don't know how to ask their children about sensitive things - and it sounds like that's the case in your home - but it's the rare parent who doesn't actually care. It was wrong to go through your phone, but I suspect that she did it because she was concerned but unable to talk to you directly for some reason.

I get the feeling that your parents really do care about you and your safety, and I think they will eventually get over it, but I'm sure that they're just as uncomfortable as you, probably feel guilty about snooping, probably wonder what to do now, etc.

This is the sort of thing that can mend or hurt relationships, depending on how you take it. I'd say to forgive them - yes, it was wrong, but it isn't worth holding it against them unless it was done with bad intent, and I doubt it was. Understand their discomfort. They still love you - if not, I doubt things would have happened as they did - and just need time to adjust. It's hard to see things from their perspective, just as it's hard for them to see things from yours, but try. If you let go your anger and just try to be open to them, it cannot hurt and likely will help your relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.
 

Black&Tan

macrumors 6502a
Mar 4, 2004
736
0
Definietly. Although you're uncomfortable now, your father sounds very supporting. Give him credit where credit's due. I'm sure there are lots of families who are far less supporting or even accepting.