Hey just a little update:
Someone above asked "how did my friend help me' lol. He simply offered his point of view and just talked about stuff like being gay etc. Nothing is going on between us.
Well, my Dad asking me if I was gay happened on the Friday evening. Lucky that I was going out later that night. I was going, with my friend and 2 other people to someone's house to basically just have a party, drink, have some fun etc. I stayed the night, slept on the couch and woke up at half nine and ended up home at 12:45pm on the Saturday. I start work at 2pm and finish at 12 midnight. At around 11am, my Dad phoned me but I didn't feel ready to speak to him on the phone, and I let it ring out. When I arrived home at 12:45 in the afternoon, he was mad saying that I could have called etc. I quickly got ready for work, and arrived home around 11:45pm. During my work I managed to talk to my gay friend about the whole situation and again he offers me some advice. He offered me to move out with him as he is going to be moving out of his parents house soon. My friend tells me that everything is going to be ok etc. When I arrived home that night, from work, my Dad was sitting up in the living room watching a DVD. He drinks wine and stuff and was probably at the bottom of a bottle (or two) of red wine. He called me into the living room and to sit down. So I sat. He started talking about how the wireless internet wasn't working but then the conversation took a dramatic turn.
He started asking deep questions about how he wants to understand how it was like for me feeling isolated and lonely with no-one to talk to and how I have dealt with being gay since I have grown up and saying he needed to understand it. I tell him that I don't want to talk about it. I walked into the kitchen to get a drink and he shouted something like 'I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT', quite aggressively. I walked back into the living room and sat down and the questions start again. 1. I don't want to have this conversation with him in the first place - I don't want to talk about this sort of stuff with him and 2. I certainly don't even want to talk to him about it when he has been drinking. I said to him "I don't want to talk about it, can you not accept that?!" He said 'No'. I eventually walked out of the living room and went upstairs to my room. I talked to my friend on MSN. Telling him how I can't cope with this and that I can't handle it. Please remember that when I wake up the next day (Sunday - which is today) it is my Birthday and have to spend most of my day with my parents. When I wake up in the morning, I go downstairs and open some cards. It was in the back of my mind that my mum would maybe have written a message in the card; something like 'We are proud of your no matter what' or 'Don't worry about it' something vague to reassure me that they were OK about me being gay - thankfully they never! It would be like opening the card to see in huge capitals 'WE KNOW YOUR GAY!!!" and it would have caught me off guard.
My Dad is still in his bed. I get a shower and get ready and sit in my room. My Dad comes in and says something along the lines of '19 today! Lucky you!' fairly happily. He asked what I wanted to do today, I said I didn't know. He left the room quite sad saying 'Oh ok I'll see you later then'.
About 1hr later, my mum comes in and asks me all about my night out about where I slept, was I drunk, what did I do, who was there, how many people were there, what time did I go to my bed. I answer: Couch, Not Really, got drunk, People from my Work, 5 and 3am respectively. Then she brings up the gay thing. She is standing at the door and I am sitting on my computer chair, reading movie reviews on my iBook (this is a Mac forum - I need to at least relate to a Mac in my story
). Obviously my Dad has had a chance to tell her about it all, like he said he would. Although it was today it got brought up I can't remember what she said to break the ice. She said something along the lines of 'Don't worry I am not going to tell anybody about that thing. It's something you should tell people when you want to.' She also said, 'Your Dad and I are fine with it and that I have not to feel embarrassed about it' etc. I can't remember word for word or all the details as I am finding it a bit hard to take all this stuff in. The conversation then changes to other stuff about suggestions I should buy with my birthday money. Luckily I never had to go out for dinner with them myself as my Aunt and Uncle join us which is great as I don't think I could have handled going out with them myself as I am positive they would have brought it up. My Mum was going onabout dig money (money you pay your parents for living with them - I'm not sure if the term 'dig money' is used in America) to my Aunt and my Aunt said something about 'Yeah take it off him and when he gets married you can give him a big contribution' my Mum just smiled and changed the conversation. Ugh. My uncle was also asking if I had a girlfriend in front of them. Extremely uncomfortable. I managed to quickly change the conversation. At the end of it all, I thanked them for taking me out for dinner and for the money they gave me for my birthday and now I am up in my room writing this.
Well, I think this is the end of things. I can't see them bringing it up any more - I am certainly not - not ever. I don't want to ever talk to them about it. As I said I am not close to them and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about it, no matter how great they are with it. Maybe that is selfish but it is how I have to deal with it. Life isn't like one of these American dramas where everybody shares everything and family members have great personal bonds with each other. Maybe some families are like that, but to me, things like that don't exist. It's real life.
I don't know what is going to happen from here. I have considered moving out with my friend and sharing with someone else from my work. I think I need my own space - I don't think I can live with them anymore.
I want to thank you all for your advice, suggestions and comments. You have all made this difficult time in my life just that little bit more bareable - enough for me to handle it without just breaking down into an emotional wreck.
