Parents getting a divorce

[samiwas]

Alright, well. Today, out of nowhere my parents get in a huge fight and now my dad is going out to our lakehome with everything he owns. My mom threatened that they are getting a divorce, claimed he was an abuser and my dad didn't seem to care.

I love both of them just as much. I really want them to stay together, should I even bother?

My parents got divorced when I was 10 years old (1985), just about the worst time possible. It's a very hard process to recover from, depending on how well adjusted you are beforehand. I never had to witness a fight between them BEFORE the divorce, but after the divorce was very messy and, at times, scary.

I hope you found a place to get away to last night. If you have other friends fairly nearby, maybe their parents could come pick you up to stay for a night so you can get away for a little bit. My grandparents took me quite a bit during this time.

Trying to get them to stay together is more than likely not going to work. It's just asking two people who can no longer get along to live together and pretend to be happy.

You have a tough road ahead, but you can get through it. The divorce of my parents was 24 years ago, and the after effects finally lifted about 6 years ago. Notice I said after effects, I wasn't actually mourning their divorce for 18 years. But I was also a particularly vulnerable person at the time it happened. I've known plenty of others who sailed through their parents divorce and came out just fine. Talk with people a lot...it's the best way to help. If there had been boards like this in 1985, it would have been a lot easier!

 

[swingerofbirch]

OP---how are you doing today?

Remember your parents are not bad people, but just people acting badly right now. It's a fact of life that people will disappoint us, but it too will pass. When you see them at their worst which I wish you didn't have to, it's not who they really are. There is something setting them off over the edge, but it's not you. Who knows what it is, financial problems, etc, could be something you don't know about.

 

[benflick]

My parents divorced when I was 6. It was for the better. (I'm 15 as well)
OP, do your parents argue a lot?

 

[Melrose]

I hate to see divorce. It tears up the family so much

You won't be able to change their minds, and in the meantime it must feel like a loyalty battle with someone getting hurt no matter what you decide.

I'm very sorry... The most you can do is - unless there's been good reason - don't take sides. But don't just blend into the wall paper. If you have a disagreement about it, voice your opinion. You'll get it off your chest and feel a bit better.

And get out and hang with some friends as much as you can.

 

[JNB]

For the OP, if things get too intense emotionally and confrontational, the number to call is easy: 911.

Even if you don't believe there's going to be any physical violence, since you have younger siblings in the house the emotional violence can be just as immediate and traumatic, and protecting them (and yourself) should be your first concern.

Although calling the cops may seem uncomfortable or inappropriate, they are trained in dealing with domestic disputes, and their main concern is to be the authority figure(s) that your parents will listen to when they won't listen to you. They can help de-escalate the situation, and bring in any additional community resources as needed. If nothing else, they can be the one thing that gets your parents' attention when they're behaving horridly and are losing all sense of reason.

If they haven't calmed down, or if the fits start again, do not hesitate, just call. The parents need to be shown that their actions are causing harm that could resonate for years.

 

[Little HZ]

Hey, OP, how are you doing today? Look around for some adult/mature friends you can confide in--a guidance counselor, minister, some of your trusted friends. Lots and lots of families go through this. It is not easy, but often, if there is a divorce, things actually get better eventually. Take care of yourself. Wishing you well ...

 

[spoon man]

Hi OP i have just been reading about your folks divorceing i'm really sorry to hear it i hope things work out for you and that you and your brothers stick togeather.My folks have said that they will be sperating when my sister moves to collage september i know its not the same situation but its still a shock.I do hope things get better for you.

 

[shivermetimbers]

I was 4 when my parents had their meltdown.....pushing 37 now. I wish you the best of luck through this. I would find someone you can confide in so you can vent....very important!

 

[DoFoT9]

so its been 3 days since you first post.. how are things going atm??

 

[TSE]

They asked me who I wanted to live with. They told me and each one of my brothers they will give me a couple of days to figure it out.

 

[barr08]

They asked me who I wanted to live with. They told me and each one of my brothers they will give me a couple of days to figure it out.

Though my parents have never divorced, I have always considered this one of the most impossible decisions a kid might ever have to make. It is unfair of them to put you in this position - at this point, from the sound of it, they might just be trying to hurt the other one emotionally (our child loves me more, etc). If there is any way you can avoid doing this, do so. Do you have grandparents, uncles or aunts, or close friends or relatives you could stay with. What is your oldest brother doing right now? It's time for him to step in, he has 4 younger brothers to take care of.

I wish had more advice to give. All I can say is good luck, Kid...

 

[TSE]

My oldest brother is in Iraq. He can't do anything. My other older brother is lazy and is letting everything go over his head.

 

[kellen]

They asked me who I wanted to live with. They told me and each one of my brothers they will give me a couple of days to figure it out.

In good fun.

But seriously you don't have to choose. When my parents divorced I split time between them both. You could do one week at each.

Or just think of a good excuse to live with one. Closer to school, bigger, etc.

 

[yojitani]

Don't choose a person, choose a place if you must (closer to school, friends, regular way of life). I had already left home when my parents divorced and my little sister had to choose. She chose my dad and its taken 15 years (she was the same age as you) for them to patch things up. Of course, it depends on the person - my mother doesn't forgive easily - but in many cases the "it's your decision and we'll respect it" isn't respected for very long.

Sorry to hear about this OP. If possible, try to get a counsellor - an adult you can confide in and who can guide you through this.

 

[Abstract]

I think they should have decided for you, to be honest.


It's a completely loaded question, and it's not fair for you.



PS: I'd choose whoever you like more. In my case, it was clearly my mum, since my dad's nuts.

 

[RandomKamikaze]

That sort of question is completely w**k out of order.

If I had been asked that when mine divorced I would've gone to a grandparents as they were not too far away fortunately.

Also aren't you a minor?? I dunno, I am from the UK where you would be a minor and the courts would decide you would get custody of you based on a number of things.

As others have suggeted, try a week at each, or if that isn't feasable, consider the different factors. And think about yourself, not your parents. Who is closest to school? Who is closest to your friends? And at the moment friends are going to be important so decide carefully. Then go to the other parent at the weekend (if feasable)

If they get shirty with you, and they shouldn't, conisder explaining why you decided the way you did (at that point you are probably being more mature than they are)

You are obviously pretty switched on for a 15 year old, as you've come to somewhere that is filled with older and sometimes wiser people who have been through the same thing.

 

[iObama]

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I'll be praying for you, and I'll put you on my church prayer list. I'm 16, and can only imagine how hard that would be to deal with at such a young age.

You'll make it through. You just have to remember that whatever becomes of the situation, it is your new normal.

 

[Xfujinon]

For the OP, if things get too intense emotionally and confrontational, the number to call is easy: 911.

Even if you don't believe there's going to be any physical violence, since you have younger siblings in the house the emotional violence can be just as immediate and traumatic, and protecting them (and yourself) should be your first concern.

Although calling the cops may seem uncomfortable or inappropriate, they are trained in dealing with domestic disputes, and their main concern is to be the authority figure(s) that your parents will listen to when they won't listen to you. They can help de-escalate the situation, and bring in any additional community resources as needed. If nothing else, they can be the one thing that gets your parents' attention when they're behaving horridly and are losing all sense of reason.

If they haven't calmed down, or if the fits start again, do not hesitate, just call. The parents need to be shown that their actions are causing harm that could resonate for years.

I must offer a contrarian opinion here.

In some cases, this can make things worse. Some parents, when confronted with reality, can become especially emotionally unstable, resentful, and perhaps even vengeful at being confronted this way by authority figures. Depending on the type of personality of the person (and any underlying emotional or psychological disturbances), this can be disastrous to your relationship with one or both parents, and can further complicate matters when trying to be objective later (or being treated objectively by them).

Unless you have a very good assessment of the possible gamut of reactions, I would simply leave. If you cannot leave to some other location such as a grandparent's house, physically leave the premises for a time and walk around the neighborhood until you can safely return.

I am sorry this happened. I have no good advice. Find someone to talk to about it that you can trust. Don't keep feelings inside permanently. Do not blame yourself, and do not take sides. Resist the urge to be peacekeeper, to arbitrate, and to act as a moderator. It may work for awhile, but it can also fail spectacularly.

I wish you the best.

 

[annk]

They asked me who I wanted to live with. They told me and each one of my brothers they will give me a couple of days to figure it out.

It was extremely unfair of them to tell you that you have to make this decision. Neither you nor your brothers have to "figure it out". THEY have to figure it out. Don't be afraid to stand your ground on this, or to go to a counselor at school to ask for assistance.

 

[instaxgirl]

Did your mother tell you your father had abused her?

It might be best if you try not to listen to the things your parents are coming out with. - My mum asked ME if she could divorce my dad when I was 13 (1st day of the xmas hols), would often tell me what a waste of space my dad is and then say I'm exactly like him, would tell me I was weak, that she was miserable, that my dad and my family were the worst mistakes she's ever made, she called me a stupid bitch the one time I ever told my dad how upset their arguing made me (I think I was 12) and to top it off she once told me her mother was dead because of my dad. That was before a family holiday. - listening to all the vitriol they're spewing'll just mess you up.

Probably not the best of advice, there is the possibility of them turning their fire on him afterwords.

Try not to listen to it and it might not be so wise to bring it up with them - my mum used me to let everything out on me and it was awful. Keep your head down, watch out for your siblings and try not to listen to it. It never seemed to mess up my younger siblings so much as it has me, thinking back I think I got most of it. And try not to let it shape your view of your parents. I think back and try to work out what was going on in their heads, who was in the wrong. It used to drive me crazy. I almost didn't end up in uni 'cause of it. As you get older you'll understand more. I can sometimes understand the reasoning behind what was going on now. Sometimes.

They asked me who I wanted to live with. They told me and each one of my brothers they will give me a couple of days to figure it out.

As others have said, this isn't fair. But divorce isn't.

And btw, my parents are still married. I sometimes think it's 'cause I asked my mum not to, or because they have nothing left but our family. Try to stay as uninvolved as possible, it'll be better for you. Good luck.

 

[CorvusCamenarum]

It was extremely unfair of them to tell you that you have to make this decision. Neither you nor your brothers have to "figure it out". THEY have to figure it out. Don't be afraid to stand your ground on this, or to go to a counselor at school to ask for assistance.

Well to be fair, if the situation ends up in family court, the judge would in all likelihood be asking him what his wishes are anyway. While still a minor, the OP is sufficiently old that his opinion on the matter carries weight.

 

[Rodimus Prime]

For the OP, if things get too intense emotionally and confrontational, the number to call is easy: 911.

Even if you don't believe there's going to be any physical violence, since you have younger siblings in the house the emotional violence can be just as immediate and traumatic, and protecting them (and yourself) should be your first concern.

Although calling the cops may seem uncomfortable or inappropriate, they are trained in dealing with domestic disputes, and their main concern is to be the authority figure(s) that your parents will listen to when they won't listen to you. They can help de-escalate the situation, and bring in any additional community resources as needed. If nothing else, they can be the one thing that gets your parents' attention when they're behaving horridly and are losing all sense of reason.

If they haven't calmed down, or if the fits start again, do not hesitate, just call. The parents need to be shown that their actions are causing harm that could resonate for years.

I might to also add that in domestic dispute calls to 911 just tell the dispatcher taking the call that you do not want your name to be linked in any way to the call or that you called. They will respect that you would not want your parents to know that you called. Hell the dispatcher will lie about where the call came when they send a cop out saying that is a neighbor or something like that and not give any additional information. The a cop will arrive in a matter of minutes to break it up.

This is how it worked out when I made a call to 911 when some neighbors where going at it down the street. I made it clear to the police that I did not want them to know that I called because I did not want it to trace back to me. They respect it and just sent a cop to break it up. I want to say a cop arrived in less than 2 mins and broke up the fight.

 

[JohnMC]

I'm sure you have already thought of this, but I'll state it in the slim case you have not. Since you have two younger brothers you might want to consider staying together as a group. Since your older brother is overseas and not involved at this time you have to stand up for your younger siblings. There may be some people on here who tell you to do what is in your best interest only but I can tell you, you will regret it if you end up in one place by yourself and your brothers end up with your other parent. I agree it is not fair to ask you what you want and have to tell your parents that, but I would talk to your brothers, if they are old enough (since we don't know how old they are), and see how they are feeling about this. Best of luck.

John

 

[followme]

Alright, well. Today, out of nowhere my parents get in a huge fight and now my dad is going out to our lakehome with everything he owns. My mom threatened that they are getting a divorce, claimed he was an abuser and my dad didn't seem to care.

I love both of them just as much. I really want them to stay together, should I even bother?

As has been stated, there's little you can do. In fact, if you try to "keep them together," each one may see you as taking the side of the other, and you may find yourself in the middle getting hit by crossfire.

In all seriousness, let them work it out their own way. There's little chance anything you do will help. Sometimes we think it will because we're used to Hollywood movies where a cute little kid's words can turn a fighting couple into a loving, happily-ever-after couple. Never heard of that in real life, ever.

My wife and I have been in countless arguments, and I know that I've been totally prepared and "determined" to throw it all away, but I didn't... She was at times too, but she didn't. We worked it out and we're still working it out.

Give them time and see what happens. Don't take any side in the argument, listen to both if they complain to you, and don't judge them.

 

[spoon man]

I'm sure you have already thought of this, but I'll state it in the slim case you have not. Since you have two younger brothers you might want to consider staying together as a group. Since your older brother is overseas and not involved at this time you have to stand up for your younger siblings. There may be some people on here who tell you to do what is in your best interest only but I can tell you, you will regret it if you end up in one place by yourself and your brothers end up with your other parent. I agree it is not fair to ask you what you want and have to tell your parents that, but I would talk to your brothers, if they are old enough (since we don't know how old they are), and see how they are feeling about this. Best of luck.

John

I would think about John’s advice if it happened to me at a younger age I would want to be with sister to keep an eye on her and for my own piece of mind but that is just my opinion you need to do what you think is best.