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post some haha's

charlesbronsen said:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts[...]
Click to expand...

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being

--

Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their clients?
To prevent the client for being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

--

Why do they bury lawyers 27 feet under ?
'Cuz deep, deep down, they're good people
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
 
Road sign
 

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This is pretty good. Can't verify whether it's true or not.

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers

An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna, British Columbia some 12 months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's airliner had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please, "she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
 
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...



Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!
 
Church signs tend to do that a lot... I have a whole list of some things they've said.
 
One year the Tennessee Baptist Convention launched a state wide senior citizens ministry campaign and convention and blitzed all the churches with handouts and fliers advertising a 800 number the senior citizens needed to call for information and registration. Well, they made a typo when listing the number and of course the resulting phone number was a sex chat line. Let's just say the Baptist senior citizens got more than they bargained for when they called. :D
 
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asks his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ******* wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
 
The first man married a woman from Italy . He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he
came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from the Phillipines. He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge
dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman from the Holland . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, the cooking and bring him beer in her
birthday suit. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw
it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were
done, there was a huge dinner on the table and she served a beer in her
birthday suit.

The fourth man married a girl from CANADA . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough
that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
 
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada .

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver , says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from Toronto , says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given..

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.
 
Great thread. Just what I needed on a monday too! :)

... security alert levels....


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "S***, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 
> Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
> between them, they could only raise the
> staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
>
> He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
>
> Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
>
> Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
>
>
> He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
> of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
>
> Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
> We haven't got any money!!'
>
> Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
>
> They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through
> my zipper and you go on your knees and put it
> in your mouth.'
> The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
>
> They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
> free.
>
> At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
> this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
>
> Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
> lost the sausage in.'
 
(From The Sopranos)

Junior Soprano:
A chinaman has some trouble with his vision so he goes to see the Eye Doctor.

After the exam the Eye Doctor says, "I know why you're having eye problems."

The chimaman asks, "Why?"

The Eye Doctor says, "You have a cataract."

The chimaman says, "No, I drive a Rincoln Continental."​

Bobby:
What?​

Junior:
You don't get it?​

Bobby:
Yeah, I get it. He drives a Lincoln. What????​
 
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