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HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Bud, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part,
but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter
 
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.
 
charlesbronsen said:
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Bud, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman
this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part,
but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter
Click to expand...

LMAO!
 
sandfox said:
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.
Click to expand...

that is disgusting!

being able to make 21 donuts at once is pretty efficient though ;) :rolleyes:
 
A man walks into a bar with a little yellow dog. The customers look at the dog and start to smirk. The man gets angry and says "I'll bet you $50 that my little dog can beat your dog."

"I'll take that bet" says a man at the bar, "My pit bull is tied up outside." So everyone goes outside to see the fight. The pit bull lunges at the little yellow dog. The yellow dog opens its mouth wide and bites the pit bull in half.

There is stunned silence. Finally someone says "What kind of dog is that?" "Well" says the man, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
 
fair enough... anyone who reads this is in for the laugh of the moment. Be aware, it contains toilet humor. And no, it wasn't me who wrote it.
 

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greg555 said:
A man walks into a bar with a little yellow dog. The customers look at the dog and start to smirk. The man gets angry and says "I'll bet you $50 that my little dog can beat your dog."

"I'll take that bet" says a man at the bar, "My pit bull is tied up outside." So everyone goes outside to see the fight. The pit bull lunges at the little yellow dog. The yellow dog opens its mouth wide and bites the pit bull in half.

There is stunned silence. Finally someone says "What kind of dog is that?" "Well" says the man, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."
Click to expand...

I had tears in my eyes when I read this...... Ohh this takes the freaking cake! :D:D:D:D
 
Hung Chow calls into work and says, ' Hey, I no come work today, I lily

sick. Got head hurt, stomach hurt and leg hurt, I no come work. '

The boss says, ' You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. '

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.



' I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.........

You got nice house '
 
What kind of present do you get a dead baby? Dead puppy.



How do you unload a truck full of dead babies? Pitchfork.


Believe it or not, I use to have Virgin Mobile Pay as you go phone back in high school. Among the free services it had a joke-a-day service. Those were two jokes that I got from it and the only two I remember.
 
:D I love "dead baby" jokes. :D

What is funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume.

What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.

What is the difference between a baby and a dart-board?
Dart-boards don't bleed.

More here.


OMG, that Hung Chow joke: "Hey, I no come work today, I lily sick". LOL That's a riot!
 
NathanMuir said:
What kind of present do you get a dead baby? Dead puppy.



How do you unload a truck full of dead babies? Pitchfork.


Believe it or not, I use to have Virgin Mobile Pay as you go phone back in high school. Among the free services it had a joke-a-day service. Those were two jokes that I got from it and the only two I remember.
Click to expand...

Classic.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby. :D
 
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a barrel of dead babies?
There isn't a Ferrari in my garage:D
 
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