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- Thread starter charlesbronsen
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's surelyl not a ship...?"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of
The wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
Long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
Left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and
A lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
Said the castaway, "that is so grand! I'd almost forgot how grand a smoke
can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years. ten long years...."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket
There, removed a flask, and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly a miracle!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
Front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And Darlin boy', how long has
It been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
Mary,
And Joseph! Don't be tellin' me you've got golf clubs in there too!!"
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's surelyl not a ship...?"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of
The wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how
Long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the
Left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and
A lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
Said the castaway, "that is so grand! I'd almost forgot how grand a smoke
can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years. ten long years...."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket
There, removed a flask, and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly a miracle!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
Front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And Darlin boy', how long has
It been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
Mary,
And Joseph! Don't be tellin' me you've got golf clubs in there too!!"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast ofJapan when
> they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
> ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
>
> He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out
> of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn
> over and sink."
>
> They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
> Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
> were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they
> were going to get away and said to the female, "lets swim after them and
> gobble them up before they reach the shore."
>
> At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant
> to follow him.
>
> "What's the matter darling?"
>
> "Look love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
> refuse to swallow the seamen.
> they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same
> ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
>
> He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out
> of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn
> over and sink."
>
> They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
> Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
> were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they
> were going to get away and said to the female, "lets swim after them and
> gobble them up before they reach the shore."
>
> At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant
> to follow him.
>
> "What's the matter darling?"
>
> "Look love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
> refuse to swallow the seamen.
Random Thoughts
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?
* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
* There is a great need for sarcasm font.
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw
it.
* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really
gets it.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.
* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about
the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a
problem....
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.
* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?'
* While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
stalking.
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?
* It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
* I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks
when they've invented the lighter?
* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be
going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction
from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.
* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to
fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
* There is a great need for sarcasm font.
* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw
it.
* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90
minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the
right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a
millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really
gets it.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.
* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about
the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
* I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it....thanks Mario Kart.
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions make good stories
* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a
problem....
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive
for the rest of the day.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want
to have to restart my collection.
* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?'
* While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet
stalking.
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed
for pedophiles...
* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -
but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet
away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the h*ll do I respond to that?
* It really pi$$es me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.
* I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone
at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
There's two things I hate in this world;
1 - People that are vague
and
2 - And that other thing, you know......What's it called again?
1 - People that are vague
and
2 - And that other thing, you know......What's it called again?
In similar style, there are 10 types of people. Those you understand binary and those who don't.
A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a drink. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and begins to explore the bar.
The monkey finds a cashew, pops it in his mouth and swallows it.
Next he finds a maraschino, pops it in his mouth and swallows it.
In rapid succession the monkey swallows a pencil, an eraser, and cue chalk from the pool table.
Finally, the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it.
The bartender has had enough. He goes to the monkeys owners and says "Listen, we can't have that monkey running wild and swallowing everything!"
The man looks around and says "Oh, I'm sorry. That little rascal will swallow anything that isn't nailed down. I'll pay for the damages". The man pays the tab, collects his monkey, and leaves.
A month later, the same man and monkey walk back into the same bar. The man orders a drink, while the monkey once again goes exploring.
The monkeys pick up a walnut, looks at it, reaches around and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and swallows it.
The bartender goes to the man and says "Hey, did you see what your monkey did? He stuck a walnut up his butt, pulled it out and swallowed it!"
The man gets a sad look on his face and replies "Yeah, the little rascal will still swallow anything he gets his hands on, but every since he passed that cue ball, he likes to measure them first."
The monkey finds a cashew, pops it in his mouth and swallows it.
Next he finds a maraschino, pops it in his mouth and swallows it.
In rapid succession the monkey swallows a pencil, an eraser, and cue chalk from the pool table.
Finally, the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, and swallows it.
The bartender has had enough. He goes to the monkeys owners and says "Listen, we can't have that monkey running wild and swallowing everything!"
The man looks around and says "Oh, I'm sorry. That little rascal will swallow anything that isn't nailed down. I'll pay for the damages". The man pays the tab, collects his monkey, and leaves.
A month later, the same man and monkey walk back into the same bar. The man orders a drink, while the monkey once again goes exploring.
The monkeys pick up a walnut, looks at it, reaches around and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and swallows it.
The bartender goes to the man and says "Hey, did you see what your monkey did? He stuck a walnut up his butt, pulled it out and swallowed it!"
The man gets a sad look on his face and replies "Yeah, the little rascal will still swallow anything he gets his hands on, but every since he passed that cue ball, he likes to measure them first."
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
…
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
…
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
Glad you said something. The rest of the jokes I was going to post were much worse.
Here's one for you
"Little bunny FooFoo
Hopping through the forrest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head"
"And along came the Gooooood Fairy
And she said"
"Little bunny FooFoo
I don't wanna see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head"
So the next day!
"Little bunny FooFoo
Hopping through the forrest
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head"
"And along came the Gooooood Fairy
And she said"
"Little bunny FooFoo
I don't wanna see you
Scooping up the field mice
And bopping them on the head"
aaahhhh. got it. nice ass btw
Agreed. RD, who's ass is that?
(Don't say "mine" if it belongs to a chick you're tapping)
Glad you said something. The rest of the jokes I was going to post were much worse.
Here's one for you
"Little bunny FooFoo
*wierd sorta poem thing*
i have ABSOLUTELY no idea what that was, or what it meant. are you saying im a rebel? lol
Agreed. RD, who's ass is that?
(Don't say "mine" if it belongs to a chick you're tapping)
HA! i dont wanna say to much incase it is his
Oh, Dear God!!! Don't let it be his! Sweet Lord, Sweet Lord!!!HA! i dont wanna say to much incase it is his
Oh, Dear God!!! Don't let it be his! Sweet Lord, Sweet Lord!!!
lolism. overreact a bit more
lolism. overreact a bit more
LOLism... HA!
I'm a lil drunk/high @ the moment, so if you ask me to overact, I'll do it. :^)
Too bad we can't ALL chill in person.
MacRumors party at my place, y'all!!!
LOLism... HA!
I'm a lil drunk/high @ the moment, so if you ask me to overact, I'll do it. :^)
Too bad we can't ALL chill in person.
MacRumors party at my place, y'all!!!
you're probably hung over now
would love to meet up with all the MR peeps too bad i like so far away