What help are you giving her by suggesting she be dishonest and deceitful?
And you're teaching your kids to do things that you yourself don't do?
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Realationship soon to be in flames?
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What help are you giving her by suggesting she be dishonest and deceitful?
And you're teaching your kids to do things that you yourself don't do?
She's an adult. If she wants to use my advice and use a little white lie to test the man she does not trust, that's up to her.
And no. I never said I would do anything like that. I teach my kids to act honestly and I do the same. The OP might choose otherwise.
If you would not take your own advice, and would not want someone else using your advice on you, then why suggest it to others?
That makes no sense. You yourself would not do this, you wouldn't teach it to your kids, but you would suggest it to someone else? Why? For what reason?
Thanks for all the useful advice. It's time I sit down and have an honest, serious conversation with my partner.
A lot of y'all have good points. As for looking into the future- I don't think it should be completely out of the question. I wouldn't take the time/effort of living with a guy if I didn't see a future with him.
Didn't think the thread would take this route
Speaking from experience, not everyone sees it that way. He may not. The first person I lived with I loved dearly and thought I would marry her. That said, if she'd brought up the possibility of marrying, I would have been conflicted. I didn't want that kind of pressure. I just wanted to live for the moment in the intense feelings we had for each other. However, we did talk about this and she felt the same way, so there were no problems.
The relationship didn't work out in the end, but that was my fault
.
I'd suggest the OP wait until her boyfriend is asleep, gut him like a trout and wear his spleen as a hat. I mean, I'd never do that. It's horrible. But hey, she's an adult.
The op is in a horrible relationship with a man who has apparently screwed women over in the past. She came to a tech web forum for advice. People posted be honest and crap like that that will not work if u don't trust the person u r with. My advice is the only help she needs. I guarantee that if she tells him she is pregnant, he would bail and prove that she is with the wrong man. This relationship is doomed; get it over with and move on.
This is terrible advice.
Nothing like using dishonesty to test your partner.
Great advice!
Oh, but they can.
In relationships, the more honest with each other the better. To use the analogy of building a home, it starts with a foundation. The foundation needs to be built on honesty.
Yep.
I had the same thought.
So true. Otherwise, why have a relationship?
If you haven't noticed already, a majority disagree with your dishonest tactics. And yes, I would be happy to discuss this face to face with you but that aside, Skunk was in no way threatening you or your family. He was only making an astute observation.
Again, terrible advice.
Is this a freudian type of slip on your part? Perhaps this a secret desire that you have in your relationship?
Why not just ask the person directly? Sounds like a fun topic to discuss over dinner or whenever.
Nice recap.
I hope you realize that your kids observe. Actions speak much louder than words...just saying.
Glad to hear.
I don’t recall her mentioning it was horrible??? She also didn’t mention that he “screwed women over.” Are you in some fantasy world today?
Read her post again. What do u think turn for the worse and not best track record means?
Missing the point. She is stuck in the relationship because she is hoping for a future with him. She doesn't have one and won't drop him because she will always wonder What If I Gave Him A Chance? Well, here's her out. Tell him she's with child, he'll freak out, she'll know he's not the one for her and she can leave with a clear mind that she did the right thing. I never said my advice was going to lead to a perfect relationship, its her way of knowing for sure that he isn't a commitment type of guy (something she probably already knows, hence her comments about wrong turns and his past).
Good night, see you Monday.
To the OP - just talk to your partner but also listen to your gut. If something feels wrong it may very well be.
Gelfin had some wise words: "Don't ever confuse what you want to be true of your relationship with what you see with your eyes. One of the most common sources of relationship disaster I've seen happens when people fall in love with the person they think their lover could be if only s/he would stop doing all that other stuff that makes them miserable. All that other stuff is your lover, and you have to act accordingly. That doesn't mean leave. It just means you have to find a way to make your life bearable with the fact of those other things taken into account."
Very much agree with that. There's a saying which that goes along similar lines about men, women and marriage/relationships. "A man marries a woman hoping she will never change and she does. A woman marries a man hoping she can change him and he can't." ... People are what they are and if your relationship can't handle a bit of up and down with understanding then it might be a bad match.
You really can't force a person to be who you want them to be. If this isn't going along as you think it should, it would be best to talk with him and make sure you're both on the same page. He may just want to take things slower than you do. Though you saying he has a bad track record (not sure what that is referring to) may not be a good sign. I'd forego moving in together if things are rocky. Cohabitation won't solve the problems but it can create new and more complicated ones.
How old are you and how long have you been together?
Gelfin had some wise words: "Don't ever confuse what you want to be true of your relationship with what you see with your eyes. One of the most common sources of relationship disaster I've seen happens when people fall in love with the person they think their lover could be if only s/he would stop doing all that other stuff that makes them miserable. All that other stuff is your lover, and you have to act accordingly. That doesn't mean leave. It just means you have to find a way to make your life bearable with the fact of those other things taken into account."
Very much agree with that. There's a saying which that goes along similar lines about men, women and marriage/relationships. "A man marries a woman hoping she will never change and she does. A woman marries a man hoping she can change him and he can't." ... People are what they are and if your relationship can't handle a bit of up and down with understanding then it might be a bad match.
You really can't force a person to be who you want them to be. If this isn't going along as you think it should, it would be best to talk with him and make sure you're both on the same page. He may just want to take things slower than you do. Though you saying he has a bad track record (not sure what that is referring to) may not be a good sign. I'd forego moving in together if things are rocky. Cohabitation won't solve the problems but it can create new and more complicated ones.
How old are you and how long have you been together?
Temporarily closed for clean-up.
Edit: Ok, the thread is a bit more presentable now. Please keep it on-topic. It's fine to disagree, but please do so within the rules.
Edit: Ok, the thread is a bit more presentable now. Please keep it on-topic. It's fine to disagree, but please do so within the rules.
+1. Trust is the foundation of a working relationship. Once you lose that trust, the relationship is doomed for fail no matter how great everything else is.
My advice is have a long talk with you boyfriend. While we were dating, my wife asked I had ever thought of settling down. Of course I was ready, but I joking told her, "That's a big decision; probably the LAST decision I'll ever get to make."
Here's a piece of advice my dad gave me when I was young. "Make a list of all the women you can't live without. From that list, chose the one you can live with." It still rings true today. All those little quirks you find so endearing in you man now, will become the very thing that drives you bonkers after marriage.
This is definitely good advice.
Truer words were never spoken.
To add. You get out of a marriage based upon what you put into it. The more you invest the better it becomes.
The thread really should have stopped here IMHO.
But....
I got the answer Lee. Because it's a visceral thrill to anonymously and randomly poison someones potential happiness or mockingly celebrate their pain in a flippant off-handed manner. It's like punching someone in the dark, a victim-less crime I'm told...
Now some sarcasm
Gelfin I'm disappointed in you! You should have suggested she diddle his mom and eat his veggies.
I got the answer Lee. Because it's a visceral thrill to anonymously and randomly poison someones potential happiness or mockingly celebrate their pain in a flippant off-handed manner. It's like punching someone in the dark, a victim-less crime I'm told...
That's what I was thinking.
I also added, go to a counselor, who handles these kind of things.
Did someone call?
stevensteven123 I'm finding it quite funny that you are giving such advice while sporting a Dr. Laura avatar. Not sure if it's intentional or just a humorous coincidence. Regardless, it's cracking me up.
To the OP, all the advice about talking with your boyfriend is spot on. Communication is key to a healthy and lasting relationship. Also, like Gelfin said, don't ignore the present for an uncertain future. If there is a "bad track record" then your concerns need to be shared with your boyfriend in a supportive manner. How he responds to this honest expression of concern will tell you a lot about his character and his level of committment to the relationship. You don't need to make up stuff to "test" anyone in your life. There are plenty of real life circumstances and experiences that will give you insight into the nature of your relationships. Last, the statistics regarding cohabitation do not support it if you are seeking a lasting relationship. While there are couples that marry and remain together after cohabitation, more often then not those relationships fail and in many instances the pressure of cohabitating added to or hastened the ending of the relationship.
Just my thoughts... I wish you the best. Please keep us informed and feel free to ask other questions if you like. As Jessica stated, some of us are genuinely glad to help.
That's interesting, do you know what the reasons given for that are, more specifically? Seems like living together married or not would still be similar, but obviously i'm missing something there.