Should you call after a break up?

Josh

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Original poster
Mar 4, 2004
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State College, PA
Long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years over the weekend.

Naturally, I expected us to remain friends and be able to look at the situation as adults afterwords, but the way and reason we broke up, and her actions that followed, make me really not want to call her.

And I don't think that she will call me either.

But all my friends tell me that we should at least have "that one last talk."

My reasoning for not want to make the call is this:

We broke up because she was very criticising and discouraging towards me and my goals in life, and I couldn't go on like that (I broke up w/ her). The night we broke up, she went out with two of her guy friends, got really drunk, and was doing the type of things everyone thought she grew out of. That same night, I went bowling with my friends, mixed guys and girls. They saw my car parked at the girl's(who my ex and her friends are friends with) house who was with us, and made a big deal over it.

Another long story short, it being acceptable that she gets drunk with her guy friends, but me going bowling with both girls and guys not being acceptable, ended at least 2 friendships. Her and her friends accused the girl I was with of being unfaithful (shes married, everyone involved is friends with her husband), and her husband no longer wants one of them over anymore for not trusting his wife and I.

So basically, it seems she has taken a turn for the worst, and I don't really feel that it is on me to make that call.

At the same time, I'd kind of like to, but I also don't want it to be taken as desperation or an "I messed up, I want you back" sort of thing.

What is a guy to do?

(Sorry, I promised myself I wouldn't make this thread, but I couldn't help it - you guys/girls seem too helpful at times to resist)
 

clayj

macrumors 604
Jan 14, 2005
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visiting from downstream
I concur with Riggz: Let it go.

You've already summed up that calling her will seem desperate, and if she's really as bad as you say in terms of pissing you off, why would you want to go back to that?

Besides, you should wait to see if she calls you. If she does, then you'll be in the catbird's seat.
 

yellow

Moderator emeritus
Oct 21, 2003
16,033
1
Portland, OR
Josh said:
What is a guy to do?
Minimize the drama.
Move on.
Done.

Eventually you'll run into here somewhere unexpected and you can rekindle the friendship or dodge her flung drinks or whatever then.
 

Josh

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Original poster
Mar 4, 2004
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State College, PA
iGary said:
What are you supposed to say?

Don't bother. If she wants to, she'll call you.
I'm not quite sure :confused: We just have a lot of the same friends, go to the same university, and live in the same small town.

Chances are, we'll run into each other, and I just thought a calm conversation, rather than the fight we last ended on, would be the best way to preemptively make those situations un-awkward and comfortable for both of us (and our friends).

But I do think everyone here is right so far, I don't believe I will call.
 

j26

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Mar 30, 2005
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Paddyland
If it's a spat - call her in a few days, but if it's something that was brewing up for a while, leave it. You don't need someone telling you your goals are crap, and if you were to go back with her the same thing will only happen again and again.

I broke up with someone after 5 years. We tried staying in touch (after a while) but it rarely works. The same crap enters the friendship.
 

iGary

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May 26, 2004
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Randy's House
Josh said:
I'm not quite sure :confused: We just have a lot of the same friends, go to the same university, and live in the same small town.

Chances are, we'll run into each other, and I just thought a calm conversation, rather than the fight we last ended on, would be the best way to preemptively make those situations un-awkward and comfortable for both of us (and our friends).

But I do think everyone here is right so far, I don't believe I will call.
If you see her, just act as if she's still your friend - be an adult, treat her like an adult, and if she goes postal, walk away. Leave it all on here. Sounds like you are already in the right place.
 

j26

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Mar 30, 2005
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Paddyland
iGary said:
If you see her, just act as if she's still your friend - be an adult, treat her like an adult, and if she goes postal, walk away. Leave it all on here. Sounds like you are already in the right place.
Definitely the best advice if you meet her.
 

emw

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Aug 2, 2004
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I'll cast my vote for not calling as well. What to say is one thing, but she may just continue on the rant she was on, and then it's even worse. Let her cool down; I'm sure there will be that awkward first run-in later on, but you'll both get over it.

It's too bad people act the way they do sometimes, but that's what emotions do to you.
 

tobefirst

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Jan 24, 2005
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St. Louis, MO
Josh said:
...would be the best way to preemptively make those situations un-awkward and comfortable for both of us...
Those situations will be awkward and uncomfortable no matter what. I agree with everyone else and say not to call. In fact I would initiate any kind of conversation for a long, long time.
 

Josh

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Original poster
Mar 4, 2004
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State College, PA
Thanks again everyone.

It seems like the right advice to me.

I didn't want to call her so that we could be together again, but just to smooth things out and close the doors.

But, I don't believe that is necessary. Things will happen as they do, I suppose.
 

iGary

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May 26, 2004
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Randy's House
Josh said:
Thanks again everyone.

It seems like the right advice to me.

I didn't want to call her so that we could be together again, but just to smooth things out and close the doors.

But, I don't believe that is necessary. Things will happen as they do, I suppose.
So you're avilable now?

*drools*

:p :) ;)
 

MarkCollette

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Mar 6, 2003
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Toronto, Canada
After 3 years, I'd definitely want any misconceptions and miscommunications all sorted out. Just don't expect the friends thing to happen right away. Hell, might even take 6 months of apart time, or may never happen. But I'd do the talk now.
 

crazycat

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Dec 5, 2005
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I broke with my girlfriend of 5 years, it was hard at first but you will get over it. I have a new girlfriend who i started to love, she is really nice and sweet :)
 

risc

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Jul 23, 2004
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Melbourne, Australia
Of course you shouldn't call her. The reality is hardly anyone ever remains friends with people after they split up with them, and even if they do that basically stops as soon as one of the people involved starts seeing someone else.

All relationship break ups suck until you find someone new.