Didn't Tim Robbins play that guy in High Fidelity?
Sorry, don't mean to make light of your crappy situation, but it's the first thing I thought of.
HAHA Never thought of that. (runs to video store)
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What To Do When She's "Taken" ?
- Thread starter bobber205
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HAHA Never thought of that. (runs to video store)
Honour.
There's no honour in sitting it out and not making any kind of move. I welcome any challengers to my position when I'm with someone. I am secure in my position, and if I'm not what's best for her, then she shouldn't be with me. Chivalry isn't protecting a woman from choice; that's actually kind of misogynistic. I trust who I'm with to be capable of making the right decision for herself, and if I'm not the right choice, then I respect her enough to let her make it.
There's no dishonour in telling her how you feel, or making a non-dirtbag move for her. Asking her out to, say, coffee or a movie. Do not lie, do not pressure, and don't be the 'other man' in a cheating situation. You don't know the particulars of the relationship, so while this is a long shot, it could be that she is (or they are) looking for someone else.
Dishonour would be plying her with alcohol, putting moves on her when she's intoxicated, taking advantage of a position of power, etc. If you do that, I will enroll in your school, and I will steal away any woman you've ever even looked at. It will be such a legendary bitchslap they'll make a movie of it. I will be played by Will Smith.
There's no honour in sitting it out and not making any kind of move. I welcome any challengers to my position when I'm with someone. I am secure in my position, and if I'm not what's best for her, then she shouldn't be with me. Chivalry isn't protecting a woman from choice; that's actually kind of misogynistic. I trust who I'm with to be capable of making the right decision for herself, and if I'm not the right choice, then I respect her enough to let her make it.
There's no dishonour in telling her how you feel, or making a non-dirtbag move for her. Asking her out to, say, coffee or a movie. Do not lie, do not pressure, and don't be the 'other man' in a cheating situation. You don't know the particulars of the relationship, so while this is a long shot, it could be that she is (or they are) looking for someone else.
Dishonour would be plying her with alcohol, putting moves on her when she's intoxicated, taking advantage of a position of power, etc. If you do that, I will enroll in your school, and I will steal away any woman you've ever even looked at. It will be such a legendary bitchslap they'll make a movie of it. I will be played by Will Smith.
That is the best post I've ever read.
I am not physically able to do anything like that.
I've decided to go for it. She's new to college and she's picked a doozy of a class to start with for the summer, so I'll offer her to help her with her term paper and research anyway I can. I'll she how she takes that and decide my next move from there.
Thanks guys for the (mostly) encouragement.
If someone "takes" yours then you have failed. Women don't get "taken", they make a choice, and they are totally free to do so. The only kind of "taken" is "advantage of", which is an entirely different matter.
i can whole-heartedly vouch for the above statement.
my oldest brother met his wife while she was with someone else. like others have mentioned, it all comes down to the current state of the relationship. for my sister-in-law, she was complacent at best with the old boyfriend - but when my brother came around, she saw something that she knew felt right.
and the rest is history... [oh, the cliche].
so to the OP - dont let this moment pass you by. especially with summer increasing near an end. as mention before, you only live once. nothing to lose - but all to gain.
i hope it works out!
You'll be watching Sex and the City reruns in her dorm room (getting no action) for the next six months. Do you want to be involved with her, or help her on her term papers? They are mutually exclusive, at least in the way you just described it as term papers then decision for next move.
Just be confident.
EDIT: Iscariot's opinions on this issue are right on in my book, but his last paragraph talking about what he'd do to you if you took advantage of her is mind bogglingly awesome.
We really are the "me first" generation.
I agree with Melrose, as usual. You're allowed to do what you want, but just out of respect, I wouldn't. For example, if there was a girl I liked, and she was married, I would not "give it a try" anyway.
"Hi, is your marriage strong? If not, here's my number so you know where to find me. *wink*"
If you became friends, and she told you that her relationship with her boyfriend isn't so great (and she'd probably tell you that if she likes you and trusts you), then it's a different matter. If she went for YOU, that's different. If you became friends and she gives you a clue that she likes you, then it's different. And of course, if you didn't know she had a boyfriend, it's different.
I may trust my girlfriend, and I highly doubt she'd leave me. In fact, I think there's a better chance of me leaving her than the other way around ("She's the most trustworthy person in existence." [Harvard, 2007]), but I'd still feel weird if a guy was getting close to test how strong the walls are.
Bobber205, be careful. It sound like you just wanted someone to agree with your positions, to make you feel better about it. There's a difference between that and advice.
Rubbish! If there's one thing that winds me up it's this rose-tinted view of the past where everyone was courteous, honourable and generally nice and cuddly.
If I were in your situation, I would go for it - nice guys finish last. She may well be perfectly happy in her current relationship, and at least by finding that out you'd have some closure so you can move on. And there's a chance that her current relationship isn't as peachy as you think it might be, in which case you could be onto a winner.
As a couple of others have said, if she chose you over her current boyfriend, that is not your fault unless you took advantage of her. It's insulting for anyone to insinuate that the girl in this situation is so feeble minded as to be incapable of making her own mind up about who she chooses to date.
I'm with the 'don't approach her' camp.
I think it is wrong to approach someone (male or female) who is already in a relationship. Even if you suspect the relationship they are in might not be in the best of states, it is disrespectful to both the person you are interested in, and their partner, to interfere.
As far as I am concerned, you should always do the right thing. This sometimes means that you have to act selflessly. It seems clear to me that you came here trying to make yourself feel better about what you want to do - that is to try and force your way into this girl's life.
I am 22, and have been with my girl now for 6 years, we are both very happy, and I trust her completely. However, if I knew of any man who was considering approaching her, knowing that she was already involved, I would destroy him.
If you approach this girl, despite that she is involved with someone else, I would call that a vile, disgusting act and you should be ashamed of yourself.
The bottom line is that if she has either, any inclination to leave her partner, or, any interest in you as a future partner, then you do not need to act in any way.
David
I think it is wrong to approach someone (male or female) who is already in a relationship. Even if you suspect the relationship they are in might not be in the best of states, it is disrespectful to both the person you are interested in, and their partner, to interfere.
As far as I am concerned, you should always do the right thing. This sometimes means that you have to act selflessly. It seems clear to me that you came here trying to make yourself feel better about what you want to do - that is to try and force your way into this girl's life.
I am 22, and have been with my girl now for 6 years, we are both very happy, and I trust her completely. However, if I knew of any man who was considering approaching her, knowing that she was already involved, I would destroy him.
If you approach this girl, despite that she is involved with someone else, I would call that a vile, disgusting act and you should be ashamed of yourself.
The bottom line is that if she has either, any inclination to leave her partner, or, any interest in you as a future partner, then you do not need to act in any way.
David
Sorry, but screw this "she's taken" nonsense, like she's a car he's just bought from the garage
She's an adult, like every adult she has free will, there's no 'ownership' bull**** here. They're not married, so..... She may very well adore the guy she's currently going out with, in which case you're out of luck; she may not - you just don't know.
Why not just try to get to know her a little better, be casual about it, no pressure. If things progress and you get close she has a decision to make; if they don't then it's not going to happen.
But don't give up....you just never know. Gently, gently try to make your feelings known, then accept whatever decision she makes. Best of luck.
This is great advice in my opinion. Ask her out for coffee and talk about your class and try and get to know her.
Your in College, act on your lustful instincts and save love until after you finish school.
Seriously, most people don't really know what they want at your age. College is your free spirit time (as well as all the girls that go there). Don't miss that opportunity, there won't be another time in your life quite like it.
If you like her, tell her and stop with the childish "but I'm shy" crap. The worst she could say is no (or tell her boyfriend and get your ass beat), but you won't be regretting it 10 years down the line.
Seriously, most people don't really know what they want at your age. College is your free spirit time (as well as all the girls that go there). Don't miss that opportunity, there won't be another time in your life quite like it.
If you like her, tell her and stop with the childish "but I'm shy" crap. The worst she could say is no (or tell her boyfriend and get your ass beat), but you won't be regretting it 10 years down the line.
Friends != Lovers point FTW!
Why has noone said this before? A friend is different to a lover... become her friend and you're actually moving farther from your target. I've been there. You'll end up being the shoulder to cry on as she moves away from her existing BF, and you'll (correctly) feel like the worlds biggest chump when she hooks up with someone else.
Make a move, be nice about it. Tell her what you think / your intensions. She will or won't go for it - you have nothing to loose. Don't become her friend as a 'second best' or misguided 'long term play' as it will just make you unhappy.
There's few things that wind me up more than saying "Nice guys finish last" - it depends entirely on the quality of the woman being pursued.
And there is a such a thing as good manners and etiquette - and it's not all rose-coloured and ditzy. It's just very hard to find someone these days who puts his treatment of others before his own desires.
If you don't know whether she is engaged or not, ask her. Then take it from there. A good way to tell is if she's wearing a diamond on her left ring finger. If she is otherwise seriously involved with someone else, it's not really a case of god manners, or "No regrets" it's a case of "none of your business." - Not trying to sound rude, but thats the way it is.
Barring the fact that the internets aren't the best place for this kind of advice dispensing...
My personal opinion is that unless a relationship is locked into some kind of legal arrangement (i.e. marriage or engagement, which is almost marriage), the tides can surely change. They often do. Several examples of my friends who had dated people for six, seven, even eight years demonstrate that there is nothing certain...unless you get married. People change, lives change, circumstances change, but most importantly, times change.
As a person who is now married to a woman who had another boyfriend at the time our relationship was getting started, I can say that the world of love and relationships is highly complicated, and being in a relationship does not somehow magically confer upon someone the capacity to be blind to the outside world, or to other people. About 1 in 3 marriages in the US fail, and I would wager that some component of this failure is the fact that these people may be finding others that make them happier, more fulfilled, more excited, etc.
Bottom line: don't be a prick, and don't do anything illegal, but you only have yourself to blame if you don't even try. You can't hit a homer without stepping up to the plate, and I really hate to say it, but a$$holes always seem to finish first in this country, or at least often enough to generate a resonating anecdote.
Tangential rant: chivalry is holding doors open, being respectful, and cherishing what you have as a gift and not a possession. It does not involve being a raging phallushead for the purposes of sequestration. People seem to confuse this often.
My personal opinion is that unless a relationship is locked into some kind of legal arrangement (i.e. marriage or engagement, which is almost marriage), the tides can surely change. They often do. Several examples of my friends who had dated people for six, seven, even eight years demonstrate that there is nothing certain...unless you get married. People change, lives change, circumstances change, but most importantly, times change.
As a person who is now married to a woman who had another boyfriend at the time our relationship was getting started, I can say that the world of love and relationships is highly complicated, and being in a relationship does not somehow magically confer upon someone the capacity to be blind to the outside world, or to other people. About 1 in 3 marriages in the US fail, and I would wager that some component of this failure is the fact that these people may be finding others that make them happier, more fulfilled, more excited, etc.
Bottom line: don't be a prick, and don't do anything illegal, but you only have yourself to blame if you don't even try. You can't hit a homer without stepping up to the plate, and I really hate to say it, but a$$holes always seem to finish first in this country, or at least often enough to generate a resonating anecdote.
Tangential rant: chivalry is holding doors open, being respectful, and cherishing what you have as a gift and not a possession. It does not involve being a raging phallushead for the purposes of sequestration. People seem to confuse this often.
Let's hope you are never going to be in her BF's shoes then. Karma my friend.
If she leaves him for you, she *will* leave you for the next guy.
Trust me.
(also goes for getting involved with divorcees.... Leaving the first marriage may have been hard, leaving the next marriage/relationship is much easier because they know they can. You become disposable. I'm through pursuing damaged goods.)
amen
what an utterly ridiculous statement.If she leaves him for you, she *will* leave you for the next guy.
Trust me.
the vast majority of people have multiple relationship in their lives, yet there are tons of perfectly stable relationship.
sorry to break it to you, but if your women keep leaving you, you might want to start search close to home for a reason
I like that. Seriously... I'll use that sometime if I have the chance
Thanks, but really is isn't my saying verbatim. The saying actually comes from an upcoming book titled "A$$holes Finish First" by Tucker Max. If you haven't read any of his short stories, I recommend it.
I'm unsure if I really believe it; my statistics knowledge interferes with my conscience. I believe that jerks tend to get what they want, but hard work and honesty still weigh in.
I'd much prefer not to be an a$$hole myself, although the system tends to reward these behaviors (competition for grants, scholarships, advancement, promotions, recognition, etc.). Oh well.
For of all the sad words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been." -- John Whittier
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. -- Harriet Stowe
Get the point? Good. The worst that can happen is you get shot down...and beaten to a bloody pulp by a jealous boyfriend.
Just be tactful in going about it. Gauge her response before advancing more. Yeah, the worst that can happen is you don't get the girl. Yup, back to square one. If such is the case, then you should by the immortal words of a very wise Canadian, Red Green. "If you can be with the woman you love, love the woman you're with."
The saddest are these: "It might have been." -- John Whittier
The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. -- Harriet Stowe
Get the point? Good. The worst that can happen is you get shot down...and beaten to a bloody pulp by a jealous boyfriend.
Just be tactful in going about it. Gauge her response before advancing more. Yeah, the worst that can happen is you don't get the girl. Yup, back to square one. If such is the case, then you should by the immortal words of a very wise Canadian, Red Green. "If you can be with the woman you love, love the woman you're with."
Well today was the day. And man was I typical myself. Almost.
We agreed to meet at 12:00 at the library so I could give her some papers she missed from class.
I got there about 45 minutes early due to the bus being dumb (and to avoid being late). I sat outside the library and kept an eye out for her. After 10 minutes I was like "WTF. She must not be coming". Shortly after I saw someone go in the library.
It was open but just the lobby with chairs. Last year during the staff retreat the whole library was closed.
so I was nearly 15 minutes 'late'. I walked in, immediately spotted her with friends and surrounded by several other people. She was there the whole time studying.
I sat on the other side of the library for about 10 minutes being a complete wuss too nervous. But I finally managed up the courage to walk across the lobby, make some small chichat, gave her the papers and told her I'd see her in class soon.
That was it...
Maybe next time.
We agreed to meet at 12:00 at the library so I could give her some papers she missed from class.
I got there about 45 minutes early due to the bus being dumb (and to avoid being late). I sat outside the library and kept an eye out for her. After 10 minutes I was like "WTF. She must not be coming". Shortly after I saw someone go in the library.
It was open but just the lobby with chairs. Last year during the staff retreat the whole library was closed.
so I was nearly 15 minutes 'late'. I walked in, immediately spotted her with friends and surrounded by several other people. She was there the whole time studying.
I sat on the other side of the library for about 10 minutes being a complete wuss too nervous.
But I finally managed up the courage to walk across the lobby, make some small chichat, gave her the papers and told her I'd see her in class soon.That was it...
Maybe next time.
You didn't handle this that badly at all. For the situation it was pretty good, especially gathering yourself and going over to her table.
But next time what? You'll help her on an essay? Talk with her, get to know her, and when you're having a good conversation, stop it and tell her you have to go see friends but to grab coffee tomorrow. Do something, but I'm afriad your "next time" will be where you try to become "friends" with her because of the nervousness of putting yourself out there.