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What To Do When She's "Taken" ?
- Thread starter bobber205
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I totally agree with you about that old addage.
There's middle ground here that most people aren't seeing. Advocating that you take a chance, let her know you're interested and giving her the adult respect of allowing her a decision and being an "a$$hole" are two entirely different matters. Taking it to either extreme is being disrespectful of the fact that she is a person and an adult, and neither a "prize" or "object".
Always consider how you would feel in a given situation. If a girl expressed interest in me in an appropriate manner, I wouldn't be apalled nor would I feel disrespected. I would politely let them know that I'm unavailable. Chances are pretty good that I would respect their courage in doing so, and I bet in the same situation, nearly all of us would feel the same way.
Chivalry is first and foremost treating someone with the appropriate respect. Which makes you a nice guy. And nice guys are awesome.
@OP -- don't go into this "helping her with her essays". That's you starting off from a dishonest position, because you're going to be hiding that you like her, and trying to get closer to her. Be a man, be straightforward, and take any answer as final. I've got Steve Buschemi standing by to play you. Do you want that?
"He who hesitates, masturbates".
Words to live by, those. When it comes to women, you have to dive in and do it. When you see some amazingly hot chick walking around with a total douchebag of a guy, it's usually because he was the only one that had the balls to go talk to her - everyone else was just too intimidated.
As to this chick that sits in front of you, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting. Chat her up a bit, you'll soon find out just how serious she is (or not) for Mr. Missouri.
Don't take the help with essay's route, that's lame. Start simple. If you two have never introduced yourselves, start one day by asking if she has a pen you can borrow. Wait until the end of the class, then grab her attention in the hallway immediately after leaving the room, hand her back the pen, thank her for letting you borrow it, and then introduce yourself. Watch her mannerisms, see if she's the flirty type and wants to chat a bit, or if she's so preoccupied or uninterested that she just walks off. Gotta start small!
Words to live by, those. When it comes to women, you have to dive in and do it. When you see some amazingly hot chick walking around with a total douchebag of a guy, it's usually because he was the only one that had the balls to go talk to her - everyone else was just too intimidated.
As to this chick that sits in front of you, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting. Chat her up a bit, you'll soon find out just how serious she is (or not) for Mr. Missouri.
Don't take the help with essay's route, that's lame. Start simple. If you two have never introduced yourselves, start one day by asking if she has a pen you can borrow. Wait until the end of the class, then grab her attention in the hallway immediately after leaving the room, hand her back the pen, thank her for letting you borrow it, and then introduce yourself. Watch her mannerisms, see if she's the flirty type and wants to chat a bit, or if she's so preoccupied or uninterested that she just walks off. Gotta start small!
If you're good friends, I'd say stay cool, but don't mess with the relationship.
If you dont' even really know her, let it be.
I've tried to never step on toes because I know what goes around comes around.
My personal advice in that situation, move on and just look to keep making yourself a better person (whether through hobbies, working out, doing the right thing, etc) and everything else will fall into place!
If you dont' even really know her, let it be.
I've tried to never step on toes because I know what goes around comes around.
My personal advice in that situation, move on and just look to keep making yourself a better person (whether through hobbies, working out, doing the right thing, etc) and everything else will fall into place!
The impression I get is that you really don't know what her situation is. You don't know if she's happy with her current relationship. You don't know if she's attracted to you. You don't know if you're right for her. You don't know if she's secretly a crazy person whose boyfriend wishes you'd steal her away. In my opinion, the worst of all dating situations is pining for someone and not knowing if there's something there. This is far worse than actually getting rejected because at least then you'd know not to worry about her anymore.
So it seems to me that the goal is to find out these things. And that means talking to her about more than a research paper. There's nothing wrong with flirting with someone who has a significant other. Flirting is is a playful way of showing interest in someone. As others pointed out, if she's happily dating another guy, she'll shoot you down fast. If she's been hoping you would make such a move (and almost every woman has secretly hoped for that at some point), then she'll be impressed and interested.
Here's the key thing, and this is the hard part: if she shows no romantic interest in you, you have to let it go. Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can just be friends with her and hope she eventually sees the light. Even in the microscopic chance that this happens, it could take years, during which time you'll drive yourself crazy and sabotage any chance of finding someone else to be happy with. You CAN just be friends with a woman you were infatuated with, but only if you genuinely jettison your romantic feelings for her. This is obviously much easier said than done.
And as someone else noted, you're at an age where dating and relationships are in a state of flux. It doesn't mean you to have to sow your wild oats, or be an a**hole, or avoid commitment, or anything like that. It does mean that it's unlikely that your next relationship will last a lifetime. It means that there's a decent chance that your next girlfriend will leave you for someone else, or you'll leave her. You may not plan it that way, but it happens all the time, and this is the time of your life when you stumble into such things and learn lessons the hard way. It's hard to step back and see the long view when you're in the middle of it, but someday you'll realize that these experiences prepared you for a great relationship that makes you really happy.
One last thing: acting shy gets you nowhere with women. They may think it's "cute" when a guy acts shy, but the odds of a woman making the move on that guy are a million to one. Now is the time of your life, when you're surrounded by attractive women your own age, to build some confidence, get comfortable with who you are, and recognize what you have to offer to women. You'll need to have that confidence for later in life when there aren't as many available women around.
So it seems to me that the goal is to find out these things. And that means talking to her about more than a research paper. There's nothing wrong with flirting with someone who has a significant other. Flirting is is a playful way of showing interest in someone. As others pointed out, if she's happily dating another guy, she'll shoot you down fast. If she's been hoping you would make such a move (and almost every woman has secretly hoped for that at some point), then she'll be impressed and interested.
Here's the key thing, and this is the hard part: if she shows no romantic interest in you, you have to let it go. Don't delude yourself into thinking that you can just be friends with her and hope she eventually sees the light. Even in the microscopic chance that this happens, it could take years, during which time you'll drive yourself crazy and sabotage any chance of finding someone else to be happy with. You CAN just be friends with a woman you were infatuated with, but only if you genuinely jettison your romantic feelings for her. This is obviously much easier said than done.
And as someone else noted, you're at an age where dating and relationships are in a state of flux. It doesn't mean you to have to sow your wild oats, or be an a**hole, or avoid commitment, or anything like that. It does mean that it's unlikely that your next relationship will last a lifetime. It means that there's a decent chance that your next girlfriend will leave you for someone else, or you'll leave her. You may not plan it that way, but it happens all the time, and this is the time of your life when you stumble into such things and learn lessons the hard way. It's hard to step back and see the long view when you're in the middle of it, but someday you'll realize that these experiences prepared you for a great relationship that makes you really happy.
One last thing: acting shy gets you nowhere with women. They may think it's "cute" when a guy acts shy, but the odds of a woman making the move on that guy are a million to one. Now is the time of your life, when you're surrounded by attractive women your own age, to build some confidence, get comfortable with who you are, and recognize what you have to offer to women. You'll need to have that confidence for later in life when there aren't as many available women around.
I have only read the first post but I would say become friends and try to move on but if she breaks up with her boyfriend take your chance! Comfort her and cheer her up if you are upset when slowly move in... Worked for me, but dont make the same mistake I did and cheat on her, it really aint worth it! (Free advice there!)
You don't talk about. Pretend you never knew, at all. It's irrelevant to how you need to act and what you need to do. No essay crap either, you don't show interest in girls by helping them with homework. Talk, flirt, go to coffee.
Any reason for her to think you already know she has a boyfriend? If not, then just pretend you don't know. She will indicate if she's uncomfortable with your flirting, whatever her reason is.
Even if she knows you know, flirting doesn't mean you're blatantly asking her out on a date or back to your bedroom. It's about showing you like her and are attracted to her.
It seems like there isn't many around now either.
That makes me laugh. Maybe it seems like it to you now, but trust me, ten years from now when more than half the people you know and meet are married and/or have kids, you'll look back on college as the greatest dating pool you ever swam in.
But it seems like that now. I'm not kidding. I have yet to met a girl that hasn't been dating someone already.
Flirting seems like a forbidden art. I may be doing it already but I have no idea if I am, and if I'm not, then I don't know what flirting is other than what I've seen on TV (unrealistic) or being an arrogant person.
Think of flirting as being like a little game of each of you figuring out the other's intentions, with each person suggesting their intentions but not giving enough to make it absolutely clear: first, you talk with her, smile, give some compliments, but leave it just slightly uncertain whether you're only being nice or whether you're actually trying to pursue her. If she's interested, she'll flirt back to try and figure you out -- and you flirt back again, showing your hand a little more but not tipping it entirely. And then she flirts back, and around and around until both of you are pretty certain the other's interested.
Let's review:
-No essay crap. Seriously, I can't impress this upon you enough. It's dishonest to veil your intentions and just try to get close to her without being straight with yourself, and with her. Trying to become her friend, just because it's easier, is the wrong thing to do, and a million guys everywhere can tell you this.
-Flirt
-When you're talking, and getting into the conversation, just say you need to leave and set up a meet (aka a date) for the next day. Go to coffee or something.
Good luck, it's not a big deal, don't worry.
-No essay crap. Seriously, I can't impress this upon you enough. It's dishonest to veil your intentions and just try to get close to her without being straight with yourself, and with her. Trying to become her friend, just because it's easier, is the wrong thing to do, and a million guys everywhere can tell you this.
-Flirt
-When you're talking, and getting into the conversation, just say you need to leave and set up a meet (aka a date) for the next day. Go to coffee or something.
Good luck, it's not a big deal, don't worry.
don't be a wuss follow your heart and don't let another one get away. Maybe she is meant for you and this is the test... start off just becomein a friend. then when the other jerk screws up (inevitable) you will be there to pick p the pieces
follow your heart and don't let another one get away. Maybe she is meant for you and this is the test... start off just becomein a friend. then when the other jerk screws up (inevitable) you will be there to pick p the piecesSure seems to be a big chasm of differences here.
It's either "GO FOR IT!" or "Give up."
Yep. People have experienced things differently throughout their lifetime. So you're going to get very different perspectives and opinions on this subject.
There is no one answer fits all.
I'll share my opinion though. If you don't make a move you'll regret it for sure. If you do make a move, you may regret it but less so over time, OR you may strike gold.
Make a move! And stay out of the friend zone. Don't do the essay thing.
And DONT FLIRT - you're not the type that can pull it off.
You do have to make your intentions clear though, and you do that by asking her out on informal dates. The first should definitely be asking her out of a cup of coffee. It doesn't get any easier then that (not that it will be easy). As you drink that cup, get to know her and let her get to know you. As the "date" comes to close, you make it a point to ask her if she'd like to do this again sometime.
In my college days, I asked a girl for coffee... I later married her, and we now have a 5 year old son. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
A follow-up date might be billiards, or bowling. They are both classic, and social. Stay away from movies at first, since you can't talk, and it's somewhat formal.
I didn't address Mr Missouri, that's because I think he's irrelevant when it comes to making your initial move. If she's devoted to him, you'll know to back off. If shes not, you'll also know she open to new opportunities.
Good luck!
Wise words.
To the OP, just be yourself and do what comes naturally. That said, sometimes you need to take a leap, or push yourself, to make a move.
As for being taken? Over the years I have discovered this. If someone is happy with who they are with, it won't matter who asks them, they will be faithful to their boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, etc. And if you ask them, they will politely let you know. And the classy ones can do it while making you feel good.
However, for those who are in a relationship, but for whatever reason are ready for change, will respond positively to you given the opportunity and they are interested.
Relationships are a two way street. Neither person owns the other one. Both must choose to be with each other. Life is full of choices.
Only because you gave two of them in one post that covers the two possible scenarios. But since it's in the same post, it probably is still one answer...
As we speak, I'm listening to the Beatles' "Drive My Car," one of the most obnoxious love songs ever written. So I suggest being a complete bastard.
Actually, I tend to lean towards the folks who say you shouldn't go around trying to steal someone's girl (or, on the flipside, a girl shouldn't go try to steal someone's guy).
Actually, I tend to lean towards the folks who say you shouldn't go around trying to steal someone's girl (or, on the flipside, a girl shouldn't go try to steal someone's guy).