Tim: He you guys - Bonus time !!
Time to summarize all my achievements ! And review how you contributed, if so..
Joni: Well, I'm baffled with my iPhone 7 redesign. It's completely new, nothing stayed the...
All: Been there, we did this a week ago, Tim - it's 2017 now.
Tim: Eahhh, yeah. But we must reassess 2016 now that Airpods do so well.
Eddy: (Snore, snork…)
Phil: Oh Tim, please skip it. I am trying to forget that terrible 2016. All product introductions were late or became a disaster. Product designs get hampered by Joni's dictatorship. Batteries are failing or way too small. It's insane that a single Iviot can hostage a 200 Billion company. Billions of people can hardly use their gear anymore. We now put button cells in our MacBook Pro and you still can't even plug an iPhone in there anymore…
Tim: Who says that ??
Phil: A colleague found out. I switched over to Samsung S7 myself.
Tim: You did WHAT ??
Phil: Ehhm, I had to. Someone needs to investigate those OLED and curved screens that we can proactively copy from our competitors. Besides, playing around with my S7 helps negotiations with the Sammy’s that we depend upon to make them. And, I've come to like the device - it always works, never updates.
Greg: OMG, those flupdates. Our customer feedback was just terrible. 463 public beta's didn't help. Products are malfunctioning, several have to be replaced. We can't repair this with emojis anymore. Health-, space, research- and other software-kits crawl devices down. We now need a calculate kit to administer all kits. Lack of RAM makes everything terribly slow. And how many people benefit from it ?
Tim: Shut up, Greg, concentrate on animation effects...
Greg: OK. Damage control: I will darken/hide everything. Let's call it...Theater mode...!!
Angela: Dim as much as you can, Greg. I am so embarrassed by our product line. Now that I personally redesigned our AppleStores, the ugly things not fitting in there are 3,4 year old iPhone designs and 5+ year old CPU's. We fulfilled the transition to luxury shops, now to sell…refurbs ? And in our jewelry boutiques, what is the Product of the Year ? Chinese plastic earphones in a dental floss box ! Sales trainees are running around replacing batteries, by the millions. The largest booths are complaint departments now. AppleStores are sizzling, but as breeding places of frustration. How can I revert this ?
Tim: Ask Siri. But there are enough AppleWatches now that you can display.
Angela: Yes, but we don't want to scare off customers. You wouldn't exactly call them Award Winning Designs, those clunky hockeypucks. Hardly jewelry, so to say. So in most places, they have become watchband placeholders now…
Tim: You guys start boring me with all your rabbit talk. Our sales are stellar, even with the little innovation that you achieved. We conquer the world. And here I sit, in the middle of a set of moaning complainers...
Angela: Fine Tim, but we are not a team. Phil can hardly sell the stuff Joni restricts him to. Greg works like crazy to compensate for ill hardware innovation, software-wise. Nobody's responsible for either CPU or phone business, so we spend all our time fishing in the same fished-out pool of engineers. We can't keep the hardware up as markets get flooded with gigabyte iOS Beta's. It appears as if 100.000 employees are too lazy to fix bugs themselves...
People are perplexed by the lack of focus and Post-PC era declarations made by, ehhh...
Either way, nobody understands what Eddy does, he's never here. Just steady piles of Hollywood hotel bills coming in...
Eddy: Wait, I am about to strike the biggest content deals ever. Maybe people don't recognize, as I wear suits now. But this company can't miss me. I need a raise !
Angela: As you see: we're not a team. So my accomplishments only come from my exceptional individual talents, despite cooperation.
Tim: Angela, why don't you return to Burberry's, if you're not happy ?
Angela: I can't. Someone else is leading that company now. Some Pluto-sized ego, that doesn't want to work for me.
Tim: Well, who would, as we all have our troubles. Anyway, sales are stellar. Customers despise us, just as the other way around, but we have a solid press on WallStreet. Despite your hostilities, it was me who succeeded in making this team great. In fact, I am the most prominent CEO in history. And so, I decided to keep this team intact. To better motivate you, you'll get a raise plus a 85% bonus increase. Offer expires now and is not disputable. See you next year !
All: Agree. This year Tim...
_______