My mood suddenly plummeted in my usual Sunday night depression. My usual thoughts is love. So even though this might not be the best place to discuss it, I feel the need to get this off my chest. Before I continue I will say this first, as any other teen I go through periods of depression and have suicidal thoughts. Though I am not suicidal. I know suicide is not the way to solve my problems and is pretty selfish. So please leave out the whole go see someone, etc discussion. I have had a very troubled past. At 18 months I suffered a seizure, and have learning disabilities. I was put in a special education program. Since 6th grade I have fought my way out of those programs and have had since done well in school. I am a senior now at a Top 100 High School in the nation. I was also accepted and I am going to the best aviation school in the nation. Due to my family's success I have been raised pretty well. To the point where people can call me spoiled. Even with all of these materials, my depression is stemmed from my social problems( and probably why I am so materialistic). I have never had a girlfriend or a real kiss. I am a shy person especially around the girls I like. Due to the kids at my school's behavior and overall observing kids in my area I have grown to hate them and have grown very picky on who I exactly hang out with. To get to the point, at my job there is this wonderful cashier that I absolutely adore. She is nice, funny, and most of all shares my beliefs, morals, and values. She is the first woman that my love is personality based instead of physical lust. But, like all my other crushes, she has a BF already. But, we're really good friends and I am very happy that we are. But, I feel like I dug myself into a hole that it's rare that any guy gets out of. That's the friend hole. So if she does break up with her BF, she won't want to go out with me due to she not wanting to ruin the great bond we have as friends. I am a really nice guy. Everyone at my job agrees( even she does). They all say I am one of the nicest guys they know and I am very funny. So I can't help, but ask the question, am I too nice for my own good? I mean when I go to get something from the vending machine I ask them if they want anything and if they do I pay for it. I stay after my shift ends and walk them to their cars. But, am I doomed forever due to my personality? Now I have also thought what is the real meaning of love and what does it really feel like? Is my love for this cashier only because she is the only close female friend I have truly had? I talk to other women at school and I don't have any feelings for them. But, I am not as close to them as I am to the cashier. So is this feeling I have for her a fake and a lie due to my ignorance of the real meaning of love? What is love really? Is the love I have for the cashier really love? Or is it what I said already about our friendship with her? I know this was long, but I needed to get this off the chest and I know you guys won't be able to answer my questions or if you can, they are answers I don't want to hear. I was also pretty vague. But, thanks for reading.