Who else here doesn't get their girlfriends?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by atenista101, May 28, 2009.

  1. atenista101 macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    May 28, 2009
    #1
    So here is my background...
    My girlfriend and I have been together for 22 months. Her parents aren't ok with us being together so we haven't told them yet, but my parents are ok with us being together. And her parents are very strict and conservative so I can't go over to her house(cuz her dad would kill the both of us) and she doesn't get out much. So basically it's pretty much a long distance relationship even we live just 30 mins from each other.

    What I can't get is that...
    Whenever we fight, I try to make it up to her and say, "hey. c'mon, don't be mad. what do want me to do to make it better?" and she goes all ballistic and says, "I'm not going to say anything. u think of something to make me feel better. if I tell u what to then I would have made myself feel better, you just did what I wanted. u didn't really do anything to make me feel better."

    I mean wth, I see her point but I can't get why she's such a b****. This isn't the only thing I don't get, I'll just tell you guys the other stuff I don't get when people start replying to this post.
     
  2. adrianblaine macrumors 65816

    adrianblaine

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2006
    Location:
    Pasadena, CA
    #2
    My wife and I have been a couple for almost 7 years now and married 3 of those years and I'm still constantly learning more about her and how she makes decisions.

    As far as her not wanting to tell you what to do to make her feel better, I think this is pretty common. They don't want to have to tell us what to do because, like your girlfriend said, they think you are only doing it because they said to and not because you wanted to.

    The trick is finding what it is they need and then being able to do it, without you or them bringing up the fact that you are doing it to help them feel better (otherwise it goes right back to them thinking you are only doing it because they want you to and not about the fact that you actually care). As to finding out what they need, it can be difficult and I'm sure everyone has a different need. My wife usually needs a listening ear and for me not to go into "problem solving" mode. I've found my wife usually already knows what she needs to do to solve the problem that's making her upset and is mostly just venting her emotions to someone and just me being there for her helps.

    I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of other things and I'll try to remember to come back if I think of anything else that might be helpful.
     
  3. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

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    #3
    Generally a sincere apology is always a good start. :)
     
  4. stonyc macrumors 65816

    stonyc

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2005
    Location:
    Michigan
    #4
    Welcome to the world of relationships... ;)

    Well, most relevant to your situation one of the things that I was magically expected to do once I got married was to read minds. I've yet to master even the basics of this ability and have thus far failed in almost every attempt. However, I have developed an ability secondary to this... the ability to know exactly 2 seconds after having said or done something, that it was wrong. If only this same ability could be cultivated to tell me when something is wrong 2 seconds before a potential conflict, I would be golden.

    I really don't know what to tell you to actually help your situation, but that I can empathize. Good luck. :)
     
  5. Melrose Suspended

    Melrose

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2007
    #5
    There's your problem right there. Never, ever, ever, ever call your girlfriend that. And if you take this attitude about trying to make amends it'll come across as insincere.
     
  6. Keniff macrumors 6502a

    Keniff

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2008
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    #6

    What she's trying to say (or get you to say is) "Lets move in somewhere, lets get a place together?" Pssst....!!! Don't get Paranoid?

    Maybe she needs/wants somebody to take her away from "her parents are very strict and conservative"?

    Good luck, btw...
     
  7. wvuwhat macrumors 65816

    wvuwhat

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2007
    #7
    B*tches be crazy man... Learn to deal with it. I was just talking to a girl for a while, pretty serious, but I didn't want a relationship. So she calls me tonight and says we want different things and we have to end it. Mind you the whole time, this was the exact thing that I was NOT looking for. Oh well, on to the next one.

    On a serious note, I don't know your age, but I'm going to assume younger since you both live with parents. It's tough to make it work when she's under her parents roof and her family doesn't like you. Not saying it can't work, but it makes everything worse.
     
  8. dsnort macrumors 68000

    dsnort

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Location:
    In persona non grata
    #8
    Now for the Devils Advocate

    And there was your first mistake.

    Dude, you are soooo being set up.

    I was single a long time, and unfortunately, dated a few women like this. I refer to them as "High Maintenance"

    Think about it, what did you do to cause the fight? Bet it was nothing, some little thing she didn't like about the you acted, dressed, talked, etc, etc. She starts the fight, then pulls this out to make you feel guilty about it, cause she knows us guys are fairly easy going and will go along with pretty much anything if we think there's a chance they'll let us touch their boobs!

    This is a control issue, and you have to demonstrate your willingness to be controlled. Not that she's a bad person, but if you don't break this habit now, it's just going to get worse.

    If you actually did something wrong, apologize, let it go, and make it clear you expect her to do the same. (I mean, what more can you do?)

    If you didn't do anything wrong, why should you have to jump through hoops? (Unless you really, really, really want to touch her boobs!)

    If this is to be a real relationship, the first person you have to be true to is yourself.
     
  9. Keebler macrumors 68030

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2005
    Location:
    Canada
    #9
    i think what's important is that there is at least communication b/n the both of you.

    She's telling you that she wants you to think of a way to say sorry or make up for it. Shows you're not just a yes man.

    i've been with my wife for 18 years now, since we were 18 and she still astounds me at how some of her decision making happens. The great part is that we're such best friends, I can be brutally honest with her and get away with it :)

    cheers,
    keebler
     
  10. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    Dec 27, 2002
    Location:
    Location Location Location
    #10
    I don't always get my girlfriend. I find it frustrating. On the other hand, I don't want to date someone I just "get" all the time. It'd be boring. :p

    Besides, men and women are biologically different, think differently, see things differently, have different hormones that control us, and have different wants and needs that change sporadically, and rather often. How can you really expect to get her all the time? :confused: It's not really about understanding everything about the other person. It's accepting what the other person is feeling, even though you don't always feel the same way, or understand it.

    I put absolutely no effort into trying to understand how a woman thinks, because I think it's stupid, and rather unnecessary. I'm not a woman. When we're on the same wavelength, fantastic. If not, then either we debate, I speak and can't stop talking, or I sit and listen, and try to understand the reason behind the craziness, or what appears to be crazy. She'll usually give me a decent explanation for how she's feeling, even if I could never feel the same way under the same situation/conditions. It may not make sense to me, but it makes sense to her.
     
  11. jecapaga macrumors 601

    jecapaga

    Joined:
    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #11
    ^^I'd agree with all of this. The OP's girl sounds manipulative and controlling. If he can't have a reasonable discussion about how to understand what the problem is because she's unwilling and chooses to manipulate the relationship over that...guy has a problem. He sounds reasonable to me.
     
  12. Abstract macrumors Penryn

    Abstract

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    Location:
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    #12
    ^^^My post didn't lead you to write this, did it? :p

    My main point is implied elsewhere, but it's in the very last line in my post. If it doesn't make sense to you, try to understand how she thinks. Perhaps it's not what you'd do, or make much sense to you, but try to see how it could possibly make sense for someone else to see things that way.
     
  13. jecapaga macrumors 601

    jecapaga

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    Jul 1, 2007
    Location:
    Southern California
    #13
    Your reasoned response gave me the strength to carry on and post my own two or three comments for sure. ;)
     
  14. Iscariot macrumors 68030

    Iscariot

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    Aug 16, 2007
    Location:
    Toronteazy
    #14
    It's certainly true that no two people are alike, and the differences between the genders do make for differences in the way we react to certain scenarios and stimulus. Understanding those differences and being able to communicate around them is necessary for any good relationship. What I don't understand, however, is the use of traditional gender roles or perceived gender differences to excuse what should be unacceptable behaviour.

    A lot of pointless and detrimental mind games, mood swings, and a plethora of unacceptable behaviours are accepted in the name of some kind of warped gender identity. Being a guy doesn't entitle me to act like a slob, sit around all day and ignore someone because the game is on, catcall, stare at or otherwise objectify women, and there are similar behaviours that are tolerated on the notion that it's "a girl thing". I think this dynamic is completely unacceptable, and that with a little work and a lot of communication and understanding, it can be eliminated to the benefit of both parties.
     
  15. P-Worm macrumors 68020

    P-Worm

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2002
    Location:
    Salt Lake City, UT
    #15
    I agree with this. The last thing you want to do is communicate that you are willing to do whatever it takes to keep her affection. Just like a spoiled kid, she's just going to keep asking more of you.

    I'm not implying that you be a jerk. I'm saying that you need to let her know that you can't read minds and you're not going to play dumb games.

    P-Worm
     
  16. Keniff macrumors 6502a

    Keniff

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2008
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    #16



    The thing is, there's two sides to every story!
    There must be a reason why she's getting angry with you?
    It might be because you have some problems for yourself, to work out?


    No disrespects...
     
  17. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #17
    So who are you REALLY on here? Call me a sceptic but I doubt someone new joined a mac forum to rag on their girlfriend and women in general. Seems a strangely random choice, if so.

    Anyway, some good posts from Iscariot and Abstract. I won't bother reiterating. Besides, I don't talk to n00bs except to thrash them on the forums. :p
     
  18. edesignuk Moderator emeritus

    edesignuk

    Joined:
    Mar 25, 2002
    Location:
    London, England
    #18
    Something a wise woman once said to me... *cough* iBlue *cough*

    "...they're all women, so you never know when they're just going to flip out for no apparent reason."

    Truer word ever spoken? :D :p :eek:
     
  19. iBlue macrumors Core

    iBlue

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2005
    Location:
    London, England
    #19
    Frick! :eek:

    Oh man, are you going to get it for using that against me in this context. :p


    *cracks knuckles*

    :D
     
  20. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2002
    Location:
    キャンプスワ&#
    #20
    You speak from experience? :eek:

    BTW, for your defense (see below) you might want to try the drunken style. :)

    Film or it didn't happen. :p ;) :D
     
  21. Sesshi macrumors G3

    Sesshi

    Joined:
    Jun 3, 2006
    Location:
    One Nation Under Gordon
    #21
    Just remember that it's always your fault. And you'll be fine.
     
  22. atenista101 thread starter macrumors newbie

    Joined:
    May 28, 2009
    #22
    thank guys. I really get what u guys are saying. its just, I can't get over how(and here's another thing) she always goes ballistic on me and I can't even get a word on her. whenever I try she always gets madder and madder and she says that I'm just making excuses and that she hates it. sometimes I just can't stand her. but when we're good, its really good. on the other hand though, when its bad its really bad.
     
  23. Xavier macrumors 68020

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2006
    Location:
    Columbus
    #23
    Oh :rolleyes:

    I am supposed to make the decisions for everything. But from time to time there is something my girlfriend wants to do but she wont make the decision. So I have to make the 'correct' decision. The wrath of the girlfriend could be unleashed if the decision isn't right.

    Women haha
     
  24. sushi Moderator emeritus

    sushi

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    #24
    Maybe it is time to discover a new girlfriend.

    Sometimes people aren't compatible.
     
  25. ViciousShadow21 macrumors 68020

    ViciousShadow21

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2009
    Location:
    To your left or right
    #25
    im with abstract. no matter what you do girls are going to flip out at you. this is a good thing. i was in a relationship where there was never any conflict and it sucked. so just learn to love it.

    p.s. the girl that i am getting married to soon is the one that i have fought with the most out of all my past relationships. i think it shows how much you care for one another. in other words, you have a lot of love on one side and it stretches just as far the other way.
     

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