Would you date someone that you weren't physically attracted to?

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by Misskitty, Dec 4, 2013.


like the title says....

  1. Yes I would, and I have in the past with great success

    3 vote(s)
  2. Yes I would, and I have in the past but with very minimal success

    0 vote(s)
  3. Cant say I have, but I would

    2 vote(s)
  4. No I would not, you need at least some physical attraction

    21 vote(s)
  5. Absolutely not, physical attraction is a top priority

    1 vote(s)
  6. (different reason....insert here)

    4 vote(s)
  1. Misskitty macrumors 6502

    Jun 18, 2010
    Maybe its me, but it's always been my rule, that I wont date anyone who Im not physically attracted to. Im not judgemental, its just that I believe that you need that physical attraction to be in a lasting relationship with someone. You need that physical attraction to have that spark, to have that desire, that lust. Without that, and its not the same. As ive learned, I just wont have the desire to take things to the next level, while the other person does.

    My last 2 relationships (casual dating, nothing intimate, but we talked non stop everyday), lasted quite a while but they both ended simply for one reason - I just wasnt attracted to the person, whereas they were very much towards me and eventually they saw that and we parted ways.

    Over time, they wanted to hang out more, do more stuff and I would give it another shot here and there, to see, double check if I have that spark with them. I just didnt it with either. Great people to talk to, but I just had no interest in taking things further because I was not physically attracted to them.

    If there was some physical attraction, I would be okay with that and try to make things work from the personality and out, but I didnt have any at all.
    I just didnt have that lust and desire that I had from other past relationships where I was eventually in love with the person. You know when you meet someone and over time, you're just crazy about them? And you wanna hang out and explore new hobbies and share experiences together? I never had that feeling at all.

    Well, I hate to say it, but I am presently in this situation again. Been talking to another guy for about 6 months now, we've talked everyday non stop and even though we have only met up to do things twice so far, hes wanting to go to these festivals and stuff during the holidays.

    The activities sound great, but I know that he wants a relationship with me (he told me) and hes very much into me, but Im not so much into him. I am very much open to someones company especially during this time of year.

    Right now, hes pretty much the only person I talk to on a daily basis, I only have one close friend that I talk to, the rest have moved away. So for the most part, I stay in on weekends and dont socialize much with people. Im pretty much a lone wolf when Im out running errands, getting food, etc. Just me, myself and I.

    Personality wise, nice guy, but I just find that I dont have that spark with him. I dont know what to do...I enjoy talking to him, but I just find that theres no chemistry between us, whether its in person or texting. I dont mind keeping him as a friend, but I know he wants us to date.
  2. AlphaDogg macrumors 68040


    May 20, 2010
    Boulder, CO
    It seems you've already made up your mind. Don't date him if you aren't attracted to him
  3. LIVEFRMNYC macrumors 604

    Oct 27, 2009
    I tried to several times. Never works out. Physical attraction is not the foundation of a relationship, but it is a main ingredient. It just doesn't work without it, and can't be forced.

    I've been with some women who were perfect for me, and whom I was physically attracted to. But I just didn't feel the extra oomph towards them.
  4. Misskitty thread starter macrumors 6502

    Jun 18, 2010
    Im not hating anyone, but Im just trying to be a lot more open when it comes to dating. Parents always told me, its the personality that matters. If you put too much emphasis on physical attraction, you are seen as judgemental, superficial, yada yada yada.
  5. Mousse macrumors 68000


    Apr 7, 2008
    Flea Bottom, King's Landing
    If the money is right...:p I'm kidding, kidding. Money ain't important to me.

    If she's a world class cook, then definitely yes. Looks fade, personality changes; good cooking gets better with the years.
  6. Misskitty thread starter macrumors 6502

    Jun 18, 2010
    Well ya thats the thing, but then people will accuse you of being judgemental.

    I do believe that you can built attraction through someones personality, but thats rare.

    I have relatives who always tell me thats how they got married.
  7. Apple fanboy macrumors Penryn

    Apple fanboy

    Feb 21, 2012
    Behind the Lens, UK
    Sounds like you are looking for friends not romantic evolvement. However from what you say, they are looking for more. I think you need to tell them that and see if they stick around. The problem is neither of you are able to move on and date someone else whilst this non-relationship carries on.
    When you meet the right person, your will love them for who they are. Part of that is what they look like of course, but attraction goes much deeper. If physical attraction was all we looked for, everybody would date 20 year old models. My wife is twice that and she is still beautiful to me.
  8. LIVEFRMNYC macrumors 604

    Oct 27, 2009
    That's how I got talked into some dates to begin with. Friends wanna play match maker, regardless if you have true interest or not. It's been the other way around too, and easy to tell when someone is not really feeling you, no matter how hard they try to hide it.

    Yea, but I don't believe it comes from dating. You gotta be friends/know each other first.
  9. AlphaDogg macrumors 68040


    May 20, 2010
    Boulder, CO
    I was talking to my best friend about this exact thing. A mutual friend of ours has confessed his love to her MANY times, but she won't date him because she has no physical attraction to him. I'll tell you what I told her; "It doesn't matter if it seems superficial, just do whatever makes you happy. At the end of the day, that's all that matters."

    Just let your heart guide your decision. If you have to force yourself to want it, the relationship is doomed to fail.

    Also let me make this clear: **** what people think, they don't matter. Do what's right for YOU!
  10. Queen of Spades macrumors 68030

    Queen of Spades

    May 9, 2008
    The Iron Throne
    The same thing happened to me a bunch of times. Then I realized I was a lesbian. Highly recommended, by the way.
  11. hallux macrumors 68030


    Apr 25, 2012
    The way I see it, looks change over time. Someone you're attracted to now may not be so attractive 20 years down the road. However, the other ways you "connect" can last a lifetime. Sure, you need that physical attraction to "get it up", but eventually that won't even matter either.
  12. puma1552 macrumors 601

    Nov 20, 2008
    There are hundreds of millions of people out there that you can be physically attracted to, I see good looking women everywhere I go.

    So why would I want to settle for a woman who isn't good looking?

    There are so many good lookers out there that it shouldn't be too hard to find someone who I both click with mentally, and like to look at physically.
  13. wordoflife macrumors 604


    Jul 6, 2009
    I mean, I don't think you don't have to be that physically attracted to them. But it's probably not going to work out if you think they are ugly.
  14. sdilley14, Dec 5, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2013

    sdilley14 macrumors 65816

    Feb 8, 2007
    Mesa, AZ
    I've tried talking myself into dating someone I wasn't totally attracted to. It just never works. I really hate it when I meet someone who is smart, funny, has similar interests, etc., but I just can't get over the fact that I'm not completely attracted to them phyiscally. I think that physical attraction is more important to some than others, and of course it is a very subjective thing, but I can't date someone with out it. I think physical attraction can grow over time the more you get to know and bond with someone, but that gap has to be pretty small to begin with.

    Not only do I run into this issue, but I have similar issues with girls that are relatively attractive, attractive enough to date, but not totally completely on the same level as me (man do I feel douchey saying that, but I don't know how else to word it). I find myself dating them and after a certain period of time I start thinking that maybe I'm missing out on someone potentially better by being with them. It's a bad way to think, I know that, but I just can't shake it. :S

    Also, what is wrong with being judgmental? We are ALL judgmental to some degree. All day every day, we all walk around looking at people/things and making judgments and assumptions about them in every single way. It's in our nature. I don't see any problem at all "judging" someone's looks. It's subjective and it's only your opinion. And there is nothing wrong with "looks" being part of the criteria for a partner in a relationship. We'd all be lying if we said we didn't, at some point, base at least part of our decision to be with someone on looks/physical attraction.

    Additionally, if you're having these types of feelings now, after all this time, it will likely only get worse.
  15. ravenvii macrumors 604


    Mar 17, 2004
    Melenkurion Skyweir
    To those saying they can't handle relationships with someone they're not physically attracted to:

    What do you do when you start to date someone you're physically attracted to, then the person BECOMES physically unattractive to you? You just dump them for solely that reason?

    If so, then there's a "D" word in the dictionary that applies to you.
  16. ipodlover77 macrumors 65816


    Jan 17, 2009
    And its not debonair for those who are wondering!
  17. sdilley14 macrumors 65816

    Feb 8, 2007
    Mesa, AZ
    That's a complicated issues. It depends on how long the decline takes, how bad it gets, and the reasons for it.

    If I'm with a girl I love for several years and she gets burned or something crazy like that in an accident and she doesn't 'look' the same anymore but she is still the same person I love, I would certainly stay with her.

    If it's someone who just got lazy and decided she didn't need to 'try' anymore and just let herself go and ate herself into oblivion...I would likely leave her. We clearly wouldn't have the same ideals when it comes to relationships. I'm the type that, when I'm with someone, I feel I owe it to them to give them the best version of myself that I can give them, emotionally, physically, everything. I HATE the idea of people who let themselves go and just put on 50-100 lbs. after they're comfortable in a relationship because they feel, "hey, I got the guy/girl, I don't need to 'try' anymore".

    If the decline in physical attraction is a result of age and having a couple kids and working her butt off and life taking a physical toll as a result, I would stay with her.

    If I'm with someone and their looks degrade to the point that it is noticeable, and it is for no reason that is beyond their control, and they don't feel any desire to change, and if it gets to the point where our sex life slows down or comes to a hault...I would likely leave her.

    There are too many different situations and causes for someone to go from attractive to unattractive to really give a definitive answer.
  18. mscriv, Dec 5, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2013

    mscriv macrumors 601


    Aug 14, 2008
    Dallas, Texas
    You are not going to date or "fall in love" with someone that you are not attracted or drawn to. Notice that I didn't say "physically attracted to". Here's the thing, attraction or chemistry is a combination of things. Physical attraction is a part of the combination and usually does play a primary initial role in drawing two people together. Then as the relationship progresses other factors like personality, humor, grace, emotional intimacy, morals, spiritual beliefs, political beliefs, love languages, etc. begin to come into play.

    One also must keep in mind that developing feelings for someone can also take many different paths. Sometimes people feel an instant connection, sometimes people start out as friends and then one day realize their feelings are much deeper than they realized. The point is, whatever route things take you know when you have an interest in someone and you know when you don't want the relationship to be anything other than a friendship. The key is to be open and honest about it so that you can be respectful of both yourself and the other person.

    Let me add one other thing here. You seem to be worried about people thinking you are shallow, judgmental, or superficial. These are the kinds of words often used when we think people are overly focused on physical appearance. Physical attraction is an extremely personal thing. We are all individuals, no two people are ever completely alike, and thus we all find different things physically appealing. What is important about physical attraction between partners/lovers is that you think that person is beautiful or handsome. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about their physical attractiveness, all that matters is how you see them and the spark you feel when you look at them. It's really true that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

    Now, if you are using some ridiculously unrealistic standard for beauty based on photoshopped supermodels or something like that, then maybe you should take some time and do a little self reflection. There is a difference between fantasy and reality.
  19. =w= macrumors 6502a


    Aug 11, 2012

    But physical attraction can vary. The person doesn't need to be overly good looking.. but any guy I date, i'd have to have some physical attraction to him or else the physical aspect of the relationship won't work. And, well, that's important.
  20. Tomorrow macrumors 604


    Mar 2, 2008
    Always a day away
    Over time, physical attraction can develop toward the person you otherwise feel attracted to. I have experienced this firsthand.
  21. shinji macrumors 65816


    Mar 18, 2007
    In 6 months of talking to him every day, you guys have only met up to do stuff twice? Not a good sign.
  22. Huntn macrumors P6


    May 5, 2008
    The Misty Mountains
    It depends on the purpose of the date and like mscriv said, it can be for reasons other than physical attraction (sexual intentions). Of course nothing prevents being attracted to personality, turning into physical attraction later. I know girls are wired differently than boys, so I have been told, but for myself I would never date anyone on a date, date, if I did not find they met a basic standard of physical attractiveness. The ideal would include intellectual and personality attractiveness too. And keep in mind a negative personality trumps all the physical attraction in the world.

    So my "other" poll choice is possibly, but unlikely while recognizing that physical appearance is only part of the package.

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