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Your favourite funny quotes
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"Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore,
you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea"
Just one of the great ones from Despair.com
you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea"
Just one of the great ones from Despair.com
From a great blogger, Paul Graham I read taken from this blog, Great Hackers.
"...no startup can be the next Microsoft unless some other company is prepared to bend over at just the right moment and be the next IBM." - Paul Graham
"...no startup can be the next Microsoft unless some other company is prepared to bend over at just the right moment and be the next IBM." - Paul Graham
No list of funny/humorous/weired quotes and sayings would be complete without one of my favorites! Shoot low Sheriff, she is riding on a Shetland! 
1)" If stupid were more painful,there would be a lot less of it "
2) "For every person who has is a spark of brilliance,there are 10 with ignition problems."
2) "For every person who has is a spark of brilliance,there are 10 with ignition problems."
"Common sense ain't common" - not sure of the original author, but I first heard it from my dear ole' mom.
"ashasnackey! ASHASNACKEY!!" - the speaker was drunk along with several others present and it's a looooooooong story. To this day I can't think about it without laughing.
"ashasnackey! ASHASNACKEY!!" - the speaker was drunk along with several others present and it's a looooooooong story. To this day I can't think about it without laughing.
"It's not lying if what you say would be true if the facts were different." - Hal from Malcolm in the Middle
"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg." Abraham Lincoln (not funny but I like it)
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." Steven Wright
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize." Steven Wright
"It's like déjà vu all over again." Yogi Berra
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." Steven Wright
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize." Steven Wright
"It's like déjà vu all over again." Yogi Berra
Yogi Berra is a quote goldmine. Check out this site.
Here is one of my favorite Yogi Berra quotes:
He was referring to a restaurant in this one: "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
not sure of the sources, but they are on my shirts
People like you are the reason people like me need medication
Never under estimate the power of stupid people in larger groups
(personal favorite when i was in high school, pissed a lot of dumb jocks off) if you have something to say, raise your hand an place it over your mouth
Am I right???
People like you are the reason people like me need medication
Never under estimate the power of stupid people in larger groups
(personal favorite when i was in high school, pissed a lot of dumb jocks off
) if you have something to say, raise your hand an place it over your mouth
Am I right???
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first"- George Carlin
Also see my sig. <shamlessplug/>
Also see my sig. <shamlessplug/>
"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."
Douglas Adams
"What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer."
Again, Douglas Adams
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Once More, Douglas Adams
-- To save me posting all of my favourite quotes, just visit this page: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Douglas_Adams/
Douglas Adams
"What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer."
Again, Douglas Adams
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Once More, Douglas Adams
-- To save me posting all of my favourite quotes, just visit this page: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Douglas_Adams/
This is what Einstein said about common sense:
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
lol way to try and take credit for a very "classic" joke
these are suppose to be humourous....lol
a little redskins humor...
What do you call 47 people watching an NFL playoff game on TV?
The Washington Redskins.
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and the Redskins?
OJ at least had defense!
What do the Redskins and possums have in common?
Both can play dead at home and get killed on the road.
What do the Redskins and Billy Graham have in common?
Both can make 90,000 people stand up and yell"JESUS CHRIST"!
Why was Jim Zorn upset when the Redskins playbook was stolen?
he wasn't finished coloring it in yet!
How do you beat the Washington Redskins?
Send'em to Texas Stadium!
What do you call 47 people watching an NFL playoff game on TV?
The Washington Redskins.
What's the difference between OJ Simpson and the Redskins?
OJ at least had defense!
What do the Redskins and possums have in common?
Both can play dead at home and get killed on the road.
What do the Redskins and Billy Graham have in common?
Both can make 90,000 people stand up and yell"JESUS CHRIST"!
Why was Jim Zorn upset when the Redskins playbook was stolen?
he wasn't finished coloring it in yet!
How do you beat the Washington Redskins?
Send'em to Texas Stadium!
"If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows." Sam Kinison
" Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?" Just one of the many Terry Pratchett beauties....
" Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES?" Just one of the many Terry Pratchett beauties....
What about anecdotes? The scene in Winston Churchill brought over from England to lecture at an american university. As it is well known that Churchill loves his liquor his hosts ensure there is some to be offered. The server goes down the line of dignitaries offering drinks, and finally gets to a bishop near the end of the line. The old bishop straightens himself up and says, rather condescendingly, "Young miss I would sooner commit adultery then consume liquor!" To which Churchill calls out "Young miss, come back, come back! I had no idea there was an option!"
Got it out of a Churchill biography, not sure if its true or not, but it made me laugh.
Got it out of a Churchill biography, not sure if its true or not, but it made me laugh.
Never argue with an idiot! They'll lower you down to their level, then beat you with experience!
One more: Today's been a rough day. I put on my shirt and a button fell off. I lifted up my briefcase and the handle dropped off. I'm afraid to urinate now.
One more: Today's been a rough day. I put on my shirt and a button fell off. I lifted up my briefcase and the handle dropped off. I'm afraid to urinate now.
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