They could still be called "watches" because when they do the things you listed they'll be watching out for us.
You'll get no argument from me that this current iteration is a bit of a dog - but you're also missing the point.
This device is more connected with your body and the Internet more than any other device in the past. Think what it could mean:
- A device that can sense if you're falling asleep and therefore tell a car you're driving to pull over
- A device that can let the world know if you're having an emergency health issue - stroke, heart attack, epileptic seizure, spontaneous combustion, etc...
- A device that hopefully will help turn us from a bunch of zombies staring into our phones and help us interact with Internet a bit more ambiently. (I say this because on my last train ride everyone was looking down at their phones and oblivious to the world around them...)
This current version of the watch, as a package, is the best set of ambient sensors and actuators we've seen to date... and it fits on your wrist... and it's not terrible. Think of what the next version(s) will look like. I myself am not convinced we'll be calling these things watches in the not too distant future.