For immediate release.
September 19, 2011
Apple stunned the culinary world today by announcing iPizza, a revolutionary new offering in the Italian foods market segment.
"Pizza is such a fragmented confusing food segment", said Tim Cook, Apple's recently appointed CEO. "You have all these topping and crust choices, and the pizza experience just isn't consistent".
To address these issues, Apple is making just two pizza lines, the iPizza Air, featuring an ultra thin crust, that will support up to two toppings, and the iPizza Pro, with a durable thick crust capable of upgrading to up to ten toppings.
As with other Apple products, great attention to detail has been put into the packaging. Both iPizzas use a box constructed from aluminum and other proprietary materials, that include a built-in warming and cooling units, and are constructed with tolerances that will prevent spoiling for up one year after purchase. Apple will offer their standard Apple Care extended warranty service for iPizza as well, allowing buyers to preserve their pie for up to 3 years without concern of food poisoning.
"People will be excited to see our wide range of carefully selected vegetables and seasoned meats that we know work well together", said Cook, "However, we won't be offering any fruit like Pineapple. We don't think that's a reasonable topping choice, and our buyers shouldn't either. The only fruit will be on the box!" Cook remarked playfully.
In response to Apple's new market direction, Google immediately revealed gPizza, a product that apparently has been under development for several years.
"It's come to our attention Apple is suddenly making Italian food products", said Larry Page, CEO of Google, "and that they have existing patents for round, fast foods, which of course will conflict with another of our new products, the gBurger".
Page went on to describe the key differences in the gPizza, which allows you to have different crusts on the same pizza and that gPizza will be sold in a "vanilla" version, where buyers can supply their own toppings.
"There will be several sources for gPizza enhancements, because we feel the pizza consumer should be able to get anything they want for their pie", noted Page, but in speaking with some early beta testers, we learned many of the topping and cheese vendors aren't the same.
"I got some mushrooms from online, and they weren't very compatible", said one beta tester, who wished to remain anonymous. "I ordered a gPizza 2.1.3 Revision a, Build 3124" and the mushrooms were for a Build 3122, so they made the green peppers a little bitter.
As this release went to publication, we learned that MacRumors has reported a Chinese tableware manufacturer releasing prototype pictures of a new bowl that may point to a salad companion product for the iPizza.
. Thin crusts are tasteless. I wonder what Apple's pizza would taste like if they made a pizza...
