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Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?
- Thread starter Leareth
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I can forgive my spouse, but it will take time to rebuild my trust on him.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in marriage and any relationship. Forgiveness is not easy and it requires a lot of effort. You have to keep in mind that nobody's perfect and everyone is vulnerable to temptations. Sometimes, you have to put yourself in your partner's shoes to realize the regrets they are going through.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in marriage and any relationship. Forgiveness is not easy and it requires a lot of effort. You have to keep in mind that nobody's perfect and everyone is vulnerable to temptations. Sometimes, you have to put yourself in your partner's shoes to realize the regrets they are going through.
So it's 1992 and I walk into Cultural Anthropology class. In the first class meeting, our teacher, a Berkeley PhD who has been nearly everywhere, tells us that polygamy is practiced by 84% percent of the cultures in the world. This just blew me away.
Sure, I had heard about this tribe or that tribe from National Geographic, or even more modernized tribes, but 84% percent of the cultures out there? As the class went on, we saw a lot of footage of polygamous situations which seemed to work for them for thousands of years.
It was after that that the beliefs I hold of a monogamous relationship is now, and historically, the minority view culturally. And marriage customs of other cultures were the least shocking attributes we studied in the class. Cuisines and child rearing customs can be shocking and far different than what most modernized, middle-class, people are willing to comprehend.
This thread is taking into account what the largely middle-class, developed nations believe.
Sure, I had heard about this tribe or that tribe from National Geographic, or even more modernized tribes, but 84% percent of the cultures out there? As the class went on, we saw a lot of footage of polygamous situations which seemed to work for them for thousands of years.
It was after that that the beliefs I hold of a monogamous relationship is now, and historically, the minority view culturally. And marriage customs of other cultures were the least shocking attributes we studied in the class. Cuisines and child rearing customs can be shocking and far different than what most modernized, middle-class, people are willing to comprehend.
This thread is taking into account what the largely middle-class, developed nations believe.
I was having coffee with my colleagues today and the topic of infidelity/cheating/affairs somehow came up, it turned out that ALL of the people at the table either cheated on their partners or were cheated by in the last year.
The collapse of morals and ethics in society is near total; our progressive culture has abandoned the common-sense standards that once defined our society. Our permissiveness is far too pervasive. Such things as faithfulness, fidelity, and trust are no longer practiced! Is it any wonder that divorce is so common. We have only ourselves to blame here. We cast out religion, faith, moral and ethical teaching for lust. Our fault. Electing progressive and immoral leaders, such as Obama, continues this rapid descent of society.
Of course mistakes can be forgiven. So can sin. So can the marriage bond if one spouse strays. Depends a great deal upon how much trust the marriage was founded and built upon. A good marriage can survive such an assault but it may take years to recover, and faith in God.
I really don't think I could, all I would think of was the "other woman" and it would kill me. I'd say: "well if you wanted to go to her, you can have her".. I wouldn't be able to forgive, even if I did love the person a lot.
I know that I wouldn't cheat for a little "fun" because I couldn't bear hurting my significant other, and seeing him hurt would hurt me more. Faithfulness is sexiness
I know that I wouldn't cheat for a little "fun" because I couldn't bear hurting my significant other, and seeing him hurt would hurt me more. Faithfulness is sexiness
Yes, we're all vulnerable to temptations, but that doesn't mean we have to succumb to them. If you cheat, it means that your significant other didn't fulfill you in some way, and you looked for fulfillment elsewhere. If you're perfectly happy with your significant other and they fulfill you, you won't feel the need to cheat.
What percent of the polygamous situations were women with multiple husbands?
This is only an issue if you POSSESS your significant other, i.e., MY boyfriend, MY wife, etc. If you are emotionally stable in your relationship, then your S.O. having pure and simple sex with someone else should not affect it in any way.
I guess I have a very different point of view on that. If you are emotionally stable in your relationship, the fact that your significant other has sex with someone else upsets that stability. At least in my case it would really upset it, as I've only been in mutually exclusive relationships.
On a related topic, how do your refer to your significant other, if not with "my [insert denomination here]"?
Of the cultures I read about, just Nepal. I don't know the details on that one, so girls check your facts before you buy airline tickets.
I am 17 and have been through some pain, i know im only young but yeh
I went out with a girl and all was going well then she dumped me, two days alter she asked for me abck and i foolishly took her back, turns out she had got with a guy like the day she asked me back, yes before we got back together but this guy was my friend who she had said i never had to worry about and she would never get with. we went through and it turned out a couple of days after getting back with me she talked to this guy about how she wanted me to do dump her and that she was going to be the girlfriend from hell. I dumped her eventually (i'm a bit mucked up and dont get that people treat me like crap) turns out she had got with the guy, and i had just taken all of this stuff, i hate her and cant seem to be able to forgive or forget, it has stayed with me everyday, its all i can think about, its been like 5 months now too and its killing me. its not so much the cheating, its the fact she kept it from me and i stayed with her like a fool while she laughed about me behind my back with my friend. i loved her, like with all my heart and she did this, i feel like a fool and really dont know if im going to ever feel what i did with her again and i think if i ever do im going to be scared, i had a girlfriend after her and i got cheated on again, i dont see what goes through girls minds, i am nothing but nice
I went out with a girl and all was going well then she dumped me, two days alter she asked for me abck and i foolishly took her back, turns out she had got with a guy like the day she asked me back, yes before we got back together but this guy was my friend who she had said i never had to worry about and she would never get with. we went through and it turned out a couple of days after getting back with me she talked to this guy about how she wanted me to do dump her and that she was going to be the girlfriend from hell. I dumped her eventually (i'm a bit mucked up and dont get that people treat me like crap) turns out she had got with the guy, and i had just taken all of this stuff, i hate her and cant seem to be able to forgive or forget, it has stayed with me everyday, its all i can think about, its been like 5 months now too and its killing me. its not so much the cheating, its the fact she kept it from me and i stayed with her like a fool while she laughed about me behind my back with my friend. i loved her, like with all my heart and she did this, i feel like a fool and really dont know if im going to ever feel what i did with her again and i think if i ever do im going to be scared, i had a girlfriend after her and i got cheated on again, i dont see what goes through girls minds, i am nothing but nice
Answer and a Question (Probably TL;DR)
To say that I've forgiven my girlfriend is true, but there is a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. To fully explain it, I'll give you the summed up version of my story. (I would like some outside input on this as well)
Ok, so my (Now) girlfriend and I met in 2009, we were never "Official or Exclusive" at that time. I moved to Massachusetts, we didn't talk much at all. The only thing she asked of me before I moved, was to tell her if I met someone else later. I did meet someone else, 2 weeks before I moved to MA. The only reason I started seeing this new girl (we'll call her Becca), was because my gf (let's call her Jane) stopped talking to me and seeing me for no reason (later I found it was because she was falling for me and hated that I was moving so she shut down.). I did not tell Jane about Becca. Jane found out about Becca through Facebook. This was all a huge mistake on my part.
I move back to California 9 months later. I have a relationship with Becca for about 10 months, it goes for about half of that. I made a mistake, by being with Becca, because I knew I loved Jane. I fought with this truth inside my head daily.
One day, I broke down and I started to talk to Jane again, she was dating some guy. We hung out, it had been almost a year since we had seen each other, and all these feelings came back. We watched a movie at my place, and to be honest, neither of us were paying attention to the movie. The tension between us was tangible. But neither of us acted on it. I drove her home, and said goodnight. All I wanted was to kiss her, but we were both in relationships. A few months later, I call her again, she had moved in with some other guy, that bothered me, so I didn't talk to her for a month.
After that month, I called her, she had moved out of the place she was at with that stupid dude. We started talking again. After about a week, I had a big fight with Becca, I told her I wanted to end things. I broke up with her, and I called Jane. 15 minutes later, Becca called me and I took her back, but in my heart it was over. This is the second mistake I made. I didn't tell Jane that I took Becca back. Jane came over that night, we made out for an hour. I cheated on Becca, even though in my heart it was already over. I felt bad, I walked Jane to her car, she asked if I would call her the next day, I said of course.
I dodged her calls for almost 10 days. I finally called her, said I was dealing with some sh*.t and I wanted to see her. She and I started dating. For 2 months it was great, until my guilt caught up with me. I finally told her what happened, it was one of the worst fights of my life. Even after everything, she told me she would take me back and follow me blindly through life. I said I didn't deserve to have her. The next day, we got back together after the agonizing pain it was to not have each other. For 3 months it was really great.
Until one day, she tells me that she doesn't want to be exclusive anymore.
freak out, why I ask? She says she loves me, but she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again, and she can't go through life not trusting me.
Nothing happens for a while, we still date (but we've never been officially BF/GF). Finally, we have a fight one day, and that's apparently all that it took for to accept one of her friend's offer to match her up with one of her friends. She tells me its not like she's said yes to a date yet. She starts going to therapy to work on her self confidence, which is part of the reason the next thing happens.
2 weeks later, she breaks up with me 4 days before my birthday. 2 days before our planned trip to Disneyland. I try to stop her for hours. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
We still saw each other off and on, never sure when the next time I'll see her will be, it was torture, but I loved her.
In June, she tells me she is going on a date with that guy from before, the one her friend recommended. I wanted to kill this guy from the moment I heard about him.
Now, about a week later, she goes on a date with him. I do nothing, except get angry. After a couple dates with him, she says she wants a date night with me, she says she wants to talk to me about something.
We go out to dinner, she says while she is figuring things out at therapy, she won't date anyone else, it will just be me. She looks me in the eye and tells me that. I believe her. She tells me that the next day, she will tell the other guy that it is not going to work out. I believe her.
Now remember, we were never exclusive, never official.
The next day, I head home. I hang out with my friends. Waiting to hear from Jane about how it went. I knew she was going on a trip with her family for 4 days. But I only heard from Jane once that night, simply saying goodnight. Nothing more.
In my gut, I could tell something was wrong.
When she got back from her trip, she called me, I wanted to see her. She told me I'd see her tomorrow, she was tired. The next day, she had to be alone for therapy homework. The next day, she was tired. Then the next day, she has family dinner that night (which is true). On her way home, she calls me, shows up at my place.
She says she has to tell me something. She tells me the truth. And this is what still hurts me every now and then to this day.
When she say that guy to tell him it was over, she did tell him, and he did understand. But later that night, she told him that she was wrong and didn't want to end things yet.
When she told me she was tired, and had to be alone for therapy, she was actually seeing him.
She lied to me, just as I had lied to her in the past. Now to me, I still feel as if she cheated on me. Not because we were exclusive, but because that one night she told me it would be just me and her.
Things didn't get better after that until August.
She came back to me, after 2 weeks of not seeing me, not talking to me, not anything involving me. She came back, asking me to take her back. I did, we've been official and exclusive ever since. We love each other, we live together now, have for 5 months. We're happy, it wasn't easy to get here, but we did.
What I'm asking is, how do I let go of the anger from the lie?
To say that I've forgiven my girlfriend is true, but there is a lingering feeling in the back of my mind. To fully explain it, I'll give you the summed up version of my story. (I would like some outside input on this as well)
Ok, so my (Now) girlfriend and I met in 2009, we were never "Official or Exclusive" at that time. I moved to Massachusetts, we didn't talk much at all. The only thing she asked of me before I moved, was to tell her if I met someone else later. I did meet someone else, 2 weeks before I moved to MA. The only reason I started seeing this new girl (we'll call her Becca), was because my gf (let's call her Jane) stopped talking to me and seeing me for no reason (later I found it was because she was falling for me and hated that I was moving so she shut down.). I did not tell Jane about Becca. Jane found out about Becca through Facebook. This was all a huge mistake on my part.
I move back to California 9 months later. I have a relationship with Becca for about 10 months, it goes for about half of that. I made a mistake, by being with Becca, because I knew I loved Jane. I fought with this truth inside my head daily.
One day, I broke down and I started to talk to Jane again, she was dating some guy. We hung out, it had been almost a year since we had seen each other, and all these feelings came back. We watched a movie at my place, and to be honest, neither of us were paying attention to the movie. The tension between us was tangible. But neither of us acted on it. I drove her home, and said goodnight. All I wanted was to kiss her, but we were both in relationships. A few months later, I call her again, she had moved in with some other guy, that bothered me, so I didn't talk to her for a month.
After that month, I called her, she had moved out of the place she was at with that stupid dude. We started talking again. After about a week, I had a big fight with Becca, I told her I wanted to end things. I broke up with her, and I called Jane. 15 minutes later, Becca called me and I took her back, but in my heart it was over. This is the second mistake I made. I didn't tell Jane that I took Becca back. Jane came over that night, we made out for an hour. I cheated on Becca, even though in my heart it was already over. I felt bad, I walked Jane to her car, she asked if I would call her the next day, I said of course.
I dodged her calls for almost 10 days. I finally called her, said I was dealing with some sh*.t and I wanted to see her. She and I started dating. For 2 months it was great, until my guilt caught up with me. I finally told her what happened, it was one of the worst fights of my life. Even after everything, she told me she would take me back and follow me blindly through life. I said I didn't deserve to have her. The next day, we got back together after the agonizing pain it was to not have each other. For 3 months it was really great.
Until one day, she tells me that she doesn't want to be exclusive anymore.
freak out, why I ask? She says she loves me, but she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again, and she can't go through life not trusting me.
Nothing happens for a while, we still date (but we've never been officially BF/GF). Finally, we have a fight one day, and that's apparently all that it took for to accept one of her friend's offer to match her up with one of her friends. She tells me its not like she's said yes to a date yet. She starts going to therapy to work on her self confidence, which is part of the reason the next thing happens.
2 weeks later, she breaks up with me 4 days before my birthday. 2 days before our planned trip to Disneyland. I try to stop her for hours. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
We still saw each other off and on, never sure when the next time I'll see her will be, it was torture, but I loved her.
In June, she tells me she is going on a date with that guy from before, the one her friend recommended. I wanted to kill this guy from the moment I heard about him.
Now, about a week later, she goes on a date with him. I do nothing, except get angry. After a couple dates with him, she says she wants a date night with me, she says she wants to talk to me about something.
We go out to dinner, she says while she is figuring things out at therapy, she won't date anyone else, it will just be me. She looks me in the eye and tells me that. I believe her. She tells me that the next day, she will tell the other guy that it is not going to work out. I believe her.
Now remember, we were never exclusive, never official.
The next day, I head home. I hang out with my friends. Waiting to hear from Jane about how it went. I knew she was going on a trip with her family for 4 days. But I only heard from Jane once that night, simply saying goodnight. Nothing more.
In my gut, I could tell something was wrong.
When she got back from her trip, she called me, I wanted to see her. She told me I'd see her tomorrow, she was tired. The next day, she had to be alone for therapy homework. The next day, she was tired. Then the next day, she has family dinner that night (which is true). On her way home, she calls me, shows up at my place.
She says she has to tell me something. She tells me the truth. And this is what still hurts me every now and then to this day.
When she say that guy to tell him it was over, she did tell him, and he did understand. But later that night, she told him that she was wrong and didn't want to end things yet.
When she told me she was tired, and had to be alone for therapy, she was actually seeing him.
She lied to me, just as I had lied to her in the past. Now to me, I still feel as if she cheated on me. Not because we were exclusive, but because that one night she told me it would be just me and her.
Things didn't get better after that until August.
She came back to me, after 2 weeks of not seeing me, not talking to me, not anything involving me. She came back, asking me to take her back. I did, we've been official and exclusive ever since. We love each other, we live together now, have for 5 months. We're happy, it wasn't easy to get here, but we did.
What I'm asking is, how do I let go of the anger from the lie?
I'm not qualified to give directions. My experience tells me that since you have not invested YEARS of time in a relationship, there is less to lose. A leopard cannot change its spots, but could be turned into a ovo-lacto-pescatarian if it had enough to lose. SO, since you have both ventured out and back, you have passed one of many tests. Ask yourself truthfully if you could forgive her again. AS for being able to get past the anger, you have to find constructive ways to demolish the anger. Don't hide it, don't ignore it, DESTROY the anger or you may let it destroy you. She may not be the source of your anger, and likely the other person she was with may not be deserving of the anger either. You have to let it go. Putting more passion into your work, your art, your music, your cooking... whatever you are passionate about may ultimately be the best way to leave it behind. Some people will put their label of anger on the "mythical thing" (or person) that they fear will stand between them and their beloved again. In this way, the anger is the ONLY thing that can keep you apart or destroy this good thing you have together. Find peace and put it in front of the anger.
Just an old guy's experience talking. Do what your heart tells you.
Namaste.
Just an old guy's experience talking. Do what your heart tells you.
Namaste.
I know personally how painful this is but walk, no run, far away from this girl.
