Can you forgive someone for cheating on you?

[marbles]

Trust was breached as soon as you started believing the "other" person needs to believe cheating is what you say cheating is. Not wanting (or allowing) the "other" person to have sex with whomever they like is cheating them out of their own life's experiences and wishes. You people that think its cheating when your lover (wife , husband,or whoever) goes and has sex with someone other then you are so wrapped up in control issues over "other" people, you have no clue what you are talking about. Trust is faith and faith is much like commitment. But sex is just sex. Being faithful to someone "other" than yourself is trusting the "other" person will always be themselve and not become you. Meaning what they define as cheating will possibly be an opposite of your definition for all eternity.
A dictionary doesn't define you or your definitions. It defines its own definitions much like you will or do for yourself. Otherwise you may as well jump on the train like hitler did to the jews. He defined for them, his own meaning for their existance. Much like sadly many trust in a dictionary instead of their own soul. Thats why "common sense" is not very smart. Your limited to what is common and not the entire knowing.

That's a good point , basically everyone is their own person an no one should have a say in what anyone else does , problems start when agreements have been made and that agreement is broken which is when the lying begins.

ie: Two people agree to remain together in a partnership and not to 'go' with others, then one breaks that agreement and has sex with someone else at a party or whatever .

For instance:

At the beginning of a relationship I would say something like .........

We are still free to be with whoever we choose, whenever we choose, simple.
That way no trust is broken and no one need to start lying to cover up and importantly neither person feels controlled or trapped, if a relationship is going to work with any kind of authenticity , this is the way to do it imho


All I ask is that the other informs if something starts to go on.
I believe that is reasonable.

 

[SlasherDuff]

Not a chance, I look at it as my trust being compromised, so I can never trust that person who has cheated on me.

 

[longball11]

ooooOOOOoooooh. Aren't you tough

Darn right I am!

 

[ravenvii]

Darn right I am!

There's no point in beating up the guy, really. Your girlfriend has a mind of her own, no? She was the one who willingly cheated. She's the one to blame.

 

[Tomorrow]

There's no point in beating up the guy, really. Your girlfriend has a mind of her own, no? She was the one who willingly cheated. She's the one to blame.

Agreed. I'll admit the guy does share some fault, especially if he knew she was involved with someone else - but in reality, she's the one who broke her promise to you. The guy never promised you anything.

 

[xodonniedarko]

No.

There's no circumstances whatsoever in which such behaviour is forgivable.

Just because you forgive a person doesn't mean things have to go back to normal. Of course I could forgive my boyfriend (of 2 years) if he cheated on me. It'd be hard, but I'd do it because I'm a pretty loving person. Not forgiving him would only hurt myself in the end.

Just because you don't have anger or resentment towards the person does NOT mean you have to go back to the way things were before. Just move on and save yourself the idea that they'd ever change.

Once a cheater, probably going to be a cheater again.

 

[skunk]

There's no point in beating up the guy, really. Your girlfriend has a mind of her own, no? She was the one who willingly cheated. She's the one to blame.

There is always the faint possibility, which nobody here perched precariously on their high horses seems to have even considered, that some of the blame for your partner cheating might attach to YOU.

 

[marbles]

I'm on no high horse, not sure if I'm included in the above statement but thought I'd say I don't feel as if I am , please correct if wrong .

 

[arkitect]

Sir , the only people who cheat are those who either have no morals or cannot control themselves and if you cannot control yourself then you have few morals.

Sir?
Anyway, morals have very very little to do with it.

but I doubt very much that someone who has had this happen to them feels a stronger bond

We do…
And get back to me on that when you can speak from experience.

I think that is what he was saying.

Read it again.

There is always the faint possibility, which nobody here perched precariously on their high horses seems to have even considered, that some of the blame for your partner cheating might attach to YOU.

Worth quoting…

I'm on no high horse, not sure if I'm included in the above statement but thought I'd say I don't feel as if I am , please correct if wrong .

As soon as you started with your

the only people who cheat are those who either have no morals

you got onto a very lofty horse indeed.

 

[remmy]

There is always the faint possibility, which nobody here perched precariously on their high horses seems to have even considered, that some of the blame for your partner cheating might attach to YOU.

Maybe true but harsh. You go to your girlfriend after finding out she has been cheating on you for the last two years and she says "well, it's your fault".

 

[marbles]

Sir?
Anyway, morals have very very little to do with it.
We do…
And get back to me on that when you can speak from experience.
Read it again.
Worth quoting…
As soon as you started with your you got onto a very lofty horse indeed.

1. Sir = showing respect to whom I am talking too. Should I not ?

2. I am speaking from experience , otherwise I would be silent on the issue.Although I'm glad for you if you have .You are an exception .

3. Ok , ( I haven't re read it, but I'm tired and I make mistakes *shrug , I did say " I think" !, but I apologize, I'm not infallible, I do try my best but hey .....

4.I have been cheated on, although I was a completely different person then, in fact I was 21, it was well over a decade ago and I learned a great deal from that hurtful, albeit probably 75% my fault, situation.

5. I stand by that, and I'm sorry you feel that way but if you or anyone else cheats on someone else then you have no morals, it's as simple as that really.
How can you even suggest that one who cheats has morals over such a thing?, it's a contradiction.

 

[skunk]

I stand by that, and I'm sorry you feel that way but if you or anyone else cheats on someone else then you have no morals, it's as simple as that really.
How can you even suggest that one who cheats has morals over such a thing?, it's a contradiction.

I suggest you take a spoonful of Matthew 5:28, followed by a dose of John 8:7. You do not have to be a Christian to know that this is true.

 

[sushi]

The wink at the end their seems to me to imply something, but I'm nt quite sure what ...hmmm* ponders

The wink meant that the part I said before was not true.

Yes, I've been there.

Trust was breached as soon as you started believing the "other" person needs to believe cheating is what you say cheating is. Not wanting (or allowing) the "other" person to have sex with whomever they like is cheating them out of their own life's experiences and wishes. You people that think its cheating when your lover (wife , husband,or whoever) goes and has sex with someone other then you are so wrapped up in control issues over "other" people, you have no clue what you are talking about. Trust is faith and faith is much like commitment. But sex is just sex. Being faithful to someone "other" than yourself is trusting the "other" person will always be themselve and not become you. Meaning what they define as cheating will possibly be an opposite of your definition for all eternity.
A dictionary doesn't define you or your definitions. It defines its own definitions much like you will or do for yourself. Otherwise you may as well jump on the train like hitler did to the jews. He defined for them, his own meaning for their existance. Much like sadly many trust in a dictionary instead of their own soul. Thats why "common sense" is not very smart. Your limited to what is common and not the entire knowing.

I would reply, but I can't stop laughing. Sorry.

Why beat up the guy?

Why not beat up the woman? - she was the one that cheated and betrayed trust.

In the case above where one gentleman became half by loosing one, they were best friends before this happened. One hell of a way to lose a ball.

The other guy was the husband's best friend. So the best friend betrayed his trust as well as his wife.

Not sure why the husband did not go after the wife.

 

[CalBoy]

Basing on my own experiences, I know what's the mature and right thing to do, I keep repeating that in my mind, but somehow, it all fell apart when it confronted me right in my face.

Which I think really captures the whole point very nicely.

On paper, it's nice to think that you would never be able to forgive someone because of your absoluteness in morality, but when confronted with the situation in reality, things change.

To say that you could never forgive under any circumstances in all situations is hyperbolic and premature (at least).

 

[marbles]

I suggest you take a spoonful of Matthew 5:28, followed by a dose of John 8:7. You do not have to be a Christian to know that this is true.

He who talks in riddles.

I'm not christian per se although I am religious but don't follow any particular religion.

Matthew 5:28-"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Maybe? this is where judging other by ones own standards is in effect , I look at women in awe!, except for my long standing partner of course whom I look at in awe and, well,.. enough said.

John 8:7-"So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."
Sorry skunk, as I consider my self not without sin you'll have to explain this one, especially why I should take a spoonful.
Though I try my very best to be the best I possibly can, I once was a very different person than I am today!.

 

[skunk]

Sorry skunk, as I consider my self not without sin you'll have to explain this one, especially why I should take a spoonful.

There just seems to be an awful lot of self-righteousness mixed in with a heap of summary judgment in this thread. I wonder how many here actually live up to their self-image.

 

[followme]

I've made some things clear with my wife on this particular issue.

Cheat, don't tell me, and I find out about it somehow = instant end of relationship. Divorce imminent, no discussion. The bigger issue is the deception.

Cheat, confess, and we can talk about the circumstances, but no guarantees either way.

 

[marbles]

There just seems to be an awful lot of self-righteousness mixed in with a heap of summary judgment in this thread. I wonder how many here actually live up to their self-image.

I really hope I don't come across as judgmental because it's certainly not my intention and I sincerely apologize if I do.
Believe it or not, I really do try my very best to be the best person I can, often putting my needs behind that of others etc.

I've been accused of being self righteous before, many times, mostly by people who don't know me too well, once people get to actually know me, that opinion usually changes, though not always.
I'm a simple man in many ways.
Take a look at my profile pic, kind of describes the way I'm different and how I often go against the grain regardless, I don't follow others just because it's an easy option, sometimes I wish I did take that route, it would be by far an easier life.

I've said it before, I am not great at communicating by words on a screen and as I was not that well educated in my youth finding the correct way to say what I mean is difficult, especially getting my real feelings on a subject across.

Maybe if we all met up at the next MR gathering

 

[skunk]

I'm not really picking on you in particular. I'm sure you're a sweetie.

As for meeting up, you could always drag yourself along to the MR London Picnic™ if you're within range.

 

[marbles]

A sweetie , I wouldn't go that far, I have my moments .

Would be great to get to the picnic, I'll make the effort, I'm guessing summer time.

 

[cheyennewilson]

Lame... you are a bunch of *****'s to a *****

Maybe true but harsh. You go to your girlfriend after finding out she has been cheating on you for the last two years and she says "well, it's your fault".

 

[clau123]

its hard

i got cheated on by my bf of 2 years. At first the thought of forgiveness was inconceivable, but you dont know how you´ll react till youre there. The trust is lost, you question what you did wrong, how this couldve ever happened... Personally with him, i felt his genuine regret, and at first his "regrets" made me angrier and hostile towards him, but i guess in the end its a matter of what he or she means to you and if the relationship is worth saving, "to err is human, to forgive is divine". relationships have ups and downs, its not a pretty sight all the time, people are flawed and thats when you truly test how strong the relationship can be and whether you can overcome problems and stick it through thick and thin. needless to say i forgave him, that was the easy part, the hard part was forgetting. It took patience from both of us to get through this, and he had to gain my trust and believe me we fought, yelled, i had fits, threw it in his face even a couple times(this lasted for some months). but we stuck it through for each other, at the end of the day we had gotten past it. Till this day we r still together, we have a strong relationship, i learned about forgiveness and he learned about life changing mistakes, i am still working on the trust issues but im getting there and i am glad i decided to try and work it out. Based on this experience i kno if it happens again i´ll leave him no doubt, and this time id b sure i wasnt being unfair by not giving him an opportunity, thing that i wouldnt be sure of otherwise...

 

[JRoDDz]

Forgive? Yes. Forget. No.

He That Is Without Sin Among You, Let Him First Cast a Stone
As Christ Forgave You, So Also Do Ye

 

[McRae555]

No. I value trust and if I can't trust my girlfriend she needs to go.

 

[iPhone 62S]

I couldn't (and didn't, actually). Once that trust is gone, it's gone, and even if it's just subconciously you will always be worrying about it happening again.