Corny Jokes and One Liners

Discussion in 'Community Discussion' started by renewed, Jul 14, 2011.

  1. Gregg2 macrumors 603

    Joined:
    May 22, 2008
    Location:
    Milwaukee, WI
    #501
    Maybe a repeat...(?)

    There are only 3 kinds of people:
    those who can do math, and those who can't.
     
  2. Dodgeman macrumors 65816

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2016
    #502
    Thumbs up.
     
  3. 0002378 Suspended

    0002378

    Joined:
    May 28, 2017
    #503
    How do you find the richest man in (insert name of poor country) ?

    - Gather all the men at the top of a hill
    - Roll a penny down the hill
    - See who gets it
    --- Post Merged, Jun 8, 2018 ---
    What's the difference between a park bench and a man below the poverty line ?

    The park bench can support a family.
    --- Post Merged, Jun 8, 2018 ---
    What's brown and sits on a piano ?

    Beethoven's last movement
     
  4. LizKat macrumors 601

    LizKat

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Location:
    Catskill Mountains
    #504
    "As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder." -- John Glenn, first American to orbit planet Earth (1962)
     
  5. obeygiant macrumors 68040

    obeygiant

    Joined:
    Jan 14, 2002
    Location:
    totally cool
    #505
    My wife told me sex is so much better while on vacation....





    ... or so she says on this postcard sent to me.
     
  6. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #506
    It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
     
  7. SandboxGeneral Moderator emeritus

    SandboxGeneral

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2010
    Location:
    Detroit
    #507
    A doctor gave a man six months to live. He couldn't pay the bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
    - Henny Youngman
     
  8. LizKat macrumors 601

    LizKat

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Location:
    Catskill Mountains
    #508
    A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

    --seen from somewhere in the tall grass of the internetz in 2014​
     
  9. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #509
    The Spell Checker:

    I halve a spelling checker,
    It came with my pea see.
    It plainly marks four my revue
    Mistakes I dew knot sea.

    Eye strike a key and type a word
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong oar write
    It shows me strait aweigh.

    As soon as a mist ache is maid
    It nose bee fore two long
    And eye can put the era rite
    Its rarely ever wrong.

    I've scent this massage threw it,
    And I'm shore your pleased too no
    Its letter prefect in every weigh;
    My checker tolled me sew.

    See my spelling is always rite
     
  10. chown33 macrumors 604

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2009
    Location:
    Sailing beyond the sunset
    #510
    If yew laked dat, den yule lake dis.
     
  11. Doctor Q Administrator

    Doctor Q

    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Sep 19, 2002
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    #511
    If you don't like reading it online for free, that story came from a book named anguish languish, which is available in hardcover for a mere $395.
     
  12. IronWaffle, Jun 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2018

    IronWaffle macrumors 6502

    IronWaffle

    #512
    "There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.”
    —Will Rogers (presciently)

    “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.”
    — Groucho Marx


    Maybe not corny. Neither quite fits one line. The first is four sentences. The second is two. I’m jamming them in here anyway. Apologies in the opposite of advance. Words fail me.
     
  13. Lioness~ macrumors 65816

    Lioness~

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    Apr 26, 2017
    Location:
    Wild and Free
    #513
    Sheep fuzz.
     
  14. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #514
    Daughter to Dad TEXTING Communication in Today's Generation

    Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL
    I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
    My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

    Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

    Lilly Dad's reply ....also texting

    My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
    Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
    And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
     
  15. LizKat macrumors 601

    LizKat

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Location:
    Catskill Mountains
    #515
    Joke from the days of the Soviet Union: a teacher asks the students in his class what they want to be when they grow up and it's time to serve their nation.

    First kid: “Russia is my mother, Lenin is my father, I want to be an engineer.”

    Second kid: “Russia is my mother, Lenin is my father, I want to be a nurse.”

    Third kid: “Russia is my mother, Lenin is my father, I want to be an army officer.”

    Fourth kid: “Russia is my mother, Lenin is my father, I want to be an orphan.”​
     
  16. IronWaffle, Jun 12, 2018
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2018

    IronWaffle macrumors 6502

    IronWaffle

    #516
    Nice!

    I recently found myself reading about humor in repressed societies, under-classes, etc. Naturally, Russia was well represented. Somewhere I encountered a longer, more “story-like” version of this joke:

    What is the difference between a Russian pessimist and a Russian optimist?

    A Russian pessimist says: “Oh, things are SO bad, they can’t possibly get worse!”

    A Russian optimist responds: “Oh, yes they can.”

    [Note: any resemblance in that last line to Obama’s “Yes, we can” slogan is strictly the fault of the site where I found the translation just now since I’m a lousy joke-teller.]

    https://blogs.transparent.com/russian/russian-humor-2/

    Some other pithy gems from that site:

    “What did Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?”
    “Electricity.”

    “What is the difference between Capitalism and Communism?”
    “In Capitalism, man exploits man, and in Communism its the other way around.”

    “Both the constitution of the United States and Soviet Union guarantee freedom of speech, so what is the difference between the two?”
    “The U.S. Constitution also guarantees freedom after the speech.”
     
  17. LizKat macrumors 601

    LizKat

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Location:
    Catskill Mountains
    #517
    One from the southwestern USA:

    Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?

    With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

    The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

    'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.

    'It's a bottle of whisky that I got for my husband.'

    The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'​
     
  18. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #518
    Spanish Computer

    A Spanish language teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
    "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
    A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
    Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.


    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,

    but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.
     
  19. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #519
    The Romantic Husband:

    An older couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their phones. The wife, being a romantic, decided one day that she would send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

    If you are sleeping, send me your dreams,
    If you are laughing, send me your smile,
    If you are eating, send me a bite,
    If you are drinking, send me a sip,
    If you are crying, send me your tears,
    I love you.

    The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

    I'm on the toilet. Please advise
     
  20. Mac'nCheese macrumors 68040

    Mac'nCheese

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2010
    #520
    .

    Fifth kid: “Russia is my mother, Lenin is my father, I want to make America great again.”
     
  21. LizKat macrumors 601

    LizKat

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2004
    Location:
    Catskill Mountains
    #521
    That would have been heretical back then. :D Kid would have been making Siberia great again.

    Pivoting from that to tigers (the Siberian ones are a favorite critter of Putin):

    Q: On which side does a tiger have most stripes?
    A: On the outside.

    Q: What's the silliest name you can give a tiger?
    A: Spot.

    Q: What happened when the tiger ate the comedian ?
    A: He felt funny !

    Q: What does the tiger say to his friends before they go out hunting for food ?
    A: 'Let us prey.'

    Q: What is tiger's favorite food ?
    A: Baked beings !​
     
  22. ProTruckDriver macrumors regular

    ProTruckDriver

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2016
    Location:
    Chesapeake, Virginia
    #522
    Toilet Paper:

    Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

    Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

    Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

    "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

    The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

    Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?"
     
  23. Mousse macrumors 68000

    Mousse

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2008
    Location:
    Flea Bottom, King's Landing
    #523
    At a forward base, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional latrines. The number of the people in need has increased."
    "I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook."


    Here's an old joke I heard back in the 80's, an oldie but goody. It helps to picture Tommy Lee Jones in the role of the Sergeant Major.;)
    A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
    She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
    "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
    The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
    Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
    The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
    She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
     
  24. M5RahuL macrumors 68030

    M5RahuL

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2009
    Location:
    Colorado
    #524
    What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night ?

    “ Now I know why you named the company ‘Microsoft’ !! “
     
  25. Dudersen macrumors newbie

    Dudersen

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2018
    #525
    It was Henny. Henny Youngman said Take my wife... Please.
     

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