Do you check your teen's messages?

[Wicked1]

My deal when my kids got their first smartphone, was if I am paying I get to check the phone whenever I want (ask them to hand it to me) and I had access to all their email passwords etc, stopped doing that at 15 but warned them about inappropriate posts on FB, or any type of photos on the phone. Did not have to worry, but I hovered over them, I did not check everything as I tried to trust them, and never had any issues. They are 21 and 19 now, and never caused any trouble with their iPhones in High School, as some other kids did.

 

[Applefan4]

My parents never checked my messages, but it would annoy me greatly if they did. I am very private. To be fair, though, I got my first mobile phone in 2003, when I was 19, which I bought with my own money so I was already an adult.

 

[vulcanvillalta]

My parents never checked my messages, but it would annoy me greatly if they did. I am very private. To be fair, though, I got my first mobile phone in 2003, when I was 19, which I bought with my own money so I was already an adult.

Well I should hope that your parents wouldn't check up on you at the age of 19. That would be quite unacceptable.

 

[bunnicula]

Nope. I just make it a possibility. They all understood that I COULD check it if I wanted and my daughter (she is 13) is always supposed to provide me with her password on demand. I do let her change it, because I respect her privacy.

I really don't do that with my son now, because he's almost 17 and he's never been in trouble. He really is a homebody, and he talks to me so often that I'm pretty sure the only thing I'd find on his phone would be bootleg porn and that would just embarrass the kid.

My eldest is 23 now, and he got his first iPhone at 17 with his own money. I NEVER checked his, but the funny part is that he's the one that is the most open and would not care in the slightest if I opened it and read it daily. He's just like that.

But, my daughter.... yeah... I keep her on her toes... just in case.

I think that the daily checking of messages is extreme unless the kid has already done things that require that level of surveillance. It undermines the parent-child bond of trust and respect.

 

[caseycicada]

Nope. I just make it a possibility. They all understood that I COULD check it if I wanted and my daughter (she is 13) is always supposed to provide me with her password on demand. I do let her change it, because I respect her privacy.

I really don't do that with my son now, because he's almost 17 and he's never been in trouble. He really is a homebody, and he talks to me so often that I'm pretty sure the only thing I'd find on his phone would be bootleg porn and that would just embarrass the kid.

My eldest is 23 now, and he got his first iPhone at 17 with his own money. I NEVER checked his, but the funny part is that he's the one that is the most open and would not care in the slightest if I opened it and read it daily. He's just like that.

But, my daughter.... yeah... I keep her on her toes... just in case.

I think that the daily checking of messages is extreme unless the kid has already done things that require that level of surveillance. It undermines the parent-child bond of trust and respect.

I love that last paragraph you wrote. That is so true. Relationships are two ways, and they SHOULD be. I mean, unless the child is a troublemaker. Anything less than mutual respect is what makes kids hate parents, so I'm glad to hear you treat them this way.

And there is nothing more awkward than dealing with the porn thing with boys that age. It's just not worth it. I say let them have their fun, their wives someday with deal with the problem

 

[Zxxv]

I'd never check anyone else messages. Ok never say never haha anyway private is private and trust once broken can never be regained. That works both ways so do nothing to break trust in what you write/text if someone did see.

 

[pobby69]

Of course parents have should be able to check their child's text messages (emails etc), they have duty of care for them. The child is not necessarily mature enough to deal with some situations appropriately and may require adult intervention.

If you were a parent and your child was being bullied wouldn't you want to know? Not all children will want to tell their parents they are getting harassed so we need to be aware in order to help them.

It's not a matter of parents needing to know in detail every conversation the child is having with their potential boyfriend/girlfriend but if they are receiving nasty messages or indecent images then it needs to be addressed.

As for the comment about teenage boys and p0rn, that should not be left unchecked, p0rn is exploitative and unhealthy and if it is an issue then the parents need to have a talk with the child.

So, yes, parents should be able to check messages etc, if the child says no then the child loses the privilege of using the phone/laptop until an agreement is reached.

 

[Zxxv]

Of course parents have should be able to check their child's text messages (emails etc), they have duty of care for them. The child is not necessarily mature enough to deal with some situations appropriately and may require adult intervention.

If you were a parent and your child was being bullied wouldn't you want to know? Not all children will want to tell their parents they are getting harassed so we need to be aware in order to help them.

It's not a matter of parents needing to know in detail every conversation the child is having with their potential boyfriend/girlfriend but if they are receiving nasty messages or indecent images then it needs to be addressed.

As for the comment about teenage boys and p0rn, that should not be left unchecked, p0rn is exploitative and unhealthy and if it is an issue then the parents need to have a talk with the child.

So, yes, parents should be able to check messages etc, if the child says no then the child loses the privilege of using the phone/laptop until an agreement is reached.

Maybe it's the parenting not the child that needs addressing?

 

[pobby69]

Maybe it's the parenting not the child that needs addressing?

Could be in some cases but most often I would think it's due to the parents caring about their child that they wish to be aware of any potential issues.

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Maybe it's the parenting not the child that needs addressing?

I'm not quite sure but perhaps you were referring to this:

It's not a matter of parents needing to know in detail every conversation the child is having with their potential boyfriend/girlfriend but if they are receiving nasty messages or indecent images then it needs to be addressed.

In which case, yes, I agree the parenting of the child sending abusive and/or indecent messages should be addressed.

 

[vulcanvillalta]

Could be in some cases but most often I would think it's due to the parents caring about their child that they wish to be aware of any potential issues.

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I'm not quite sure but perhaps you were referring to this:


In which case, yes, I agree the parenting of the child sending abusive and/or indecent messages should be addressed.

I think that kids will be kids and they will get themselves into dangerous relationships. It's part of growing up. I had an awful relationship when I was in high school many years ago, and it taught me a lot. I would say I learned more from one bad relationship than I did from any number of good ones.

The point I'm making is that kids need to have heart break, and they need to have struggle. We teach them to use protection, and to use their intellect, but unfortunately they are going to do SOMETHING sometime. It's good for them. The only time a parent should intervene is if they begin to start with drugs/permanent damage. The whole sex thing has always been a conflict, and it always will be. It helps them grow (hopefully) into better people. All we need to do as parents is to help shape them, and only interfere if things get nasty.

 

[bunnicula]

I love that last paragraph you wrote. That is so true. Relationships are two ways, and they SHOULD be. I mean, unless the child is a troublemaker. Anything less than mutual respect is what makes kids hate parents, so I'm glad to hear you treat them this way.

And there is nothing more awkward than dealing with the porn thing with boys that age. It's just not worth it. I say let them have their fun, their wives someday with deal with the problem

Yeah... my eldest kid paved the way for the porn thing to be a laid back issue by just admitting that he watched porn. And that he knows that porn isn't real life, nor does he expect it to be. I was amazed at his maturity about it (this was in late high school, shortly before he graduated). Paved the way for his younger brother to feel a bit more comfortable about it. So, we kid around about it sometimes. If my younger son has an issue with his phone, he will hand it to me (the phone accounts are in my name, so I have the passwords for Apple Store and such) and he hovers so close to watch what I'm doing that sometimes I have to tell him "I am not going through your porn, don't worry."

He laughs at me. He really is just the type that wants to see what you're doing to his stuff. That's all. But, the icebreakers help. They can talk to me about anything. And they do. It's better than snooping on them when none of them have ever been in any sort of trouble.

 

[theapplefanboyj]

When I had my crappy Samsung, there was an app I used called 'Hide It Pro'. Does what it says. My parents knew I was being bullied then (and still am) and I did let her see the texts (I wanted her to see) but I didn't want friends to see it.

 

[Joe HS]

While admittedly I was a much more responsible teenager than many seem to be my parents never checked anything on my phone, that I can recall. They may have asked but I normally have a passcode so there was no snooping.

I'm only 18 now but I can't imagine myself wanting to check my child's usage even if I payed for the phone or contract. Sounds like an abhorrent violation of privacy/trust.

I haven't read all of these posts but out of the people who have read through messages... has anything good ever come of it? Would it not be better to just make sure your children (teenagers) know that if they have questions they can come to you, and not to actively look through their conversations hoping to "impart wisdom" if you decide it's warranted?

I have to say I really don't understand this idea that you can bubble-wrap children until they're 18 and then just expect everything to work perfectly for them.
I also question whether this behaviour is legal – specifically reading emails and SMS sent in confidence to someone who isn't yourself, especailly if it's an account a teenager created themselves. Reading a screen they have open is very different to demanding to be told a password.

 

[Eileen89]

No, absolutely not! To be honest, I don't see the point in checking either one of my kids texts messages. At some point as parents we have to learn to "trust" our children. If not, maybe there are more issues going on that just looking at the child's messages won't solve.
Once in a while one of my kids will come to me and say "mom look at this crazy message that I got" or another time while I was taking my Daughter home from a late night sports meet I got a text while I was still driving her home that read "I can't go out tonight because my Mom is being a B*tch!" That text was sent from my daughter to me by accident as it was meant to be sent to one of her friends after I told her that she couldn't go out after the meet since it was already late and I had to be up early the next morning for work. That is the only time that I have ever seen one of her texts, lol.

 

[Steve121178]

If you were doing a good job as a parent you shouldn't need to snoop on your kids private messages.

There is no justification for doing so unless you were doing a pretty crappy job as a parent.

 

[yanki01]

i'm scared to have kids. seeing some stuff they talk about is crazy. I got my first phone in high school, the same Nokia everyone else had. then I was able to buy my own which was the Samsung's SPH-a900. texting then was no where near what it is now. we wouldn't carry a conversation with the person next to us for hours like these kids do. my parents never checked my phone but again, it was a different time and I had nothing to hide.

 

[C DM]

If you were doing a good job as a parent you shouldn't need to snoop on your kids private messages.

There is no justification for doing so unless you were doing a pretty crappy job as a parent.

Or everyone goes about parenting differently and those who like to pretend to judge others (short of something actually damaging to the child) don't really comprehend parenting to begin with.

 

[vulcanvillalta]

Or everyone goes about parenting differently and those who like to pretend to judge others (short of something actually damaging to the child) don't really comprehend parenting to begin with.

Parenting is about bringing a person to a state of maturity, so that when that person leaves, the person is suited for survival. I've commented before on this thread, and I'll say it again- being a snooping, nagging parent does nothing for children. It makes them "feel" like children, and they will continue to behave like children.
If you trust you child, (and if you do it the right way) they should enjoy that trust, and more often than not, understand that they should not break the trust.
I see no reason to check phones, unless you have a suspicion that your child is getting involved with "heavy stuff" that would put a permanent scar on them (drug use and trading, excessive sex etc). Only then would I intervene. Luckily, I've never had a problem like that.

 

[plusnq]

If you were doing a good job as a parent you shouldn't need to snoop on your kids private messages.

There is no justification for doing so unless you were doing a pretty crappy job as a parent.

Got any kids? There is a big difference between the maturity of a 12/13 year old and a 16/17 year old. I have four kids, three with phones, aged 23 to 5 years of age. They all have had to hand the phone over on demand as minors, and will be counselled re appropriate behaviour and relationships. They all make similar mistakes due to immaturity and a misunderstandings regarding the longevity and effect of their dialogue with others. Usually we are alerted to any issues via their friends' parents unless there are behavioural concerns at home. A parent's job is guide and nurture a child to maturity to become a fully functioning adult. From what I see on most forums, more parents should be watching and guiding.

 

[C DM]

Parenting is about bringing a person to a state of maturity, so that when that person leaves, the person is suited for survival. I've commented before on this thread, and I'll say it again- being a snooping, nagging parent does nothing for children. It makes them "feel" like children, and they will continue to behave like children.
If you trust you child, (and if you do it the right way) they should enjoy that trust, and more often than not, understand that they should not break the trust.
I see no reason to check phones, unless you have a suspicion that your child is getting involved with "heavy stuff" that would put a permanent scar on them (drug use and trading, excessive sex etc). Only then would I intervene. Luckily, I've never had a problem like that.

Parenting is about many many different things and far more complex than anyone can write even in books, let alone a few sentences or paragraphs. Nothing about it can really be summarized or generalized or really concluded one way or another--to think otherwise is only further proof of how much more involved and complex it really is. There's much more to it all, and to say things one way or another about this or that doesn't really make them so for everyone just because of that.

 

[YoungCalusa]

We check our daughter's phone and make no apologies for doing so. As a child she has the right to live under our roof, be fed, educated, clothed and not be abused. Everything else is a PRIVILEGE, iPhone included. I pay for the phone, it belongs to ME, she only borrows it. She can either willfully submit to my rules, including inspection of all electronic devices, or have the PRIVILEGE revoked. No gray area, no compromises.

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No, they're not.

My girlfriend's parents used to take this approach even though she paid for her phone and they paid for service, I can tell you with 100% certainty that this backfires and creates a child that learns to be crafty. It's so much better to establish trust and some freedom because once she goes to college and isn't constantly under your watch she won't have the experience to make good judgement calls

 

[Daniel3102]

Nope. Im 16, but I own and pay for my iPhone

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Personally, I think that if if the teen owns the phone and pays for the bill, you have no right to look through it. If you bought it, or you pay the bill, sure you have every right to look through it.

 

[ctbaz]

If you can't trust your kids why give them a phone in the first place?

 

[thetechfixer]

Nope, my phone never gets checked. Although if my parents wanted too they can, I have nothing to hide.

 

[John Adams]

They are just looking out for you, just be grateful you have loving parents.

Spot on.