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Do you check your teen's messages?

KUguardgrl13 said:
I'm a little concerned about what the posters here consider to be private. I accept that many of you will check your kids' phones and tablets.

But will you let them use the bathroom by themselves? Can they bathe alone? Sleep with the door closed if they want? You may not respect or trust your kids, but they deserve a certain level of privacy when it comes to their bodies as they get older. Unless you have a child with a disability who needs your help at an older age, teach your kids privacy of the body and give them that respect so they respect the privacy of others. Their college roommates will thank you.

You can search their bedrooms when they're not there or visit when they're awake, but otherwise leave them alone. If you don't, then they have no reason to respect your privacy when it comes to the bathroom or the bedroom.
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How many kids do you have?

The idea that parents and children are somehow on the same level is an odd one. If I tell my kid to do her homework, does that mean she has no reason not to try to direct my activities? Kids are kids and parents are parents. Their spheres of authority aren't the same. If I tell my kid to do her homework or mow the lawn or feed the dog or empty the dishwasher, that's what she needs to do. It doesn't mean she is then in a position to tell me what to do.
 
Just as an anecdote: When I was a teen, my best friend's parents would lock down and monitor his internet usage at home; quite heavily actually. From this, we learned how to circumvent certain protections in Windows and disable the software. Next, his parents enabled the parental features on the router. From this, we learned how to spoof a MAC address to get around that. Fast forward, my friend is the best systems administrator I know, and I went into software.

While these draconian parental protections didn't stop us from finding porn and worse (we found plenty that we shouldn't have); they did force us to learn quite a lot about computers and networking, and probably influenced our futures in technology.

Funny how things work out like that.
 
My parents check everyhing when they take my phone. When ever they take it I turn it off. When I log on you did my phone at school it's always on. Then I get it back and all the apps will be open. Even words with friends... And sometimes when I wake up my phone notifications are scrolled all the way to the bottom... I guess my moms interested in my clash of clans notifications and CNN crap. If I get text I reapond to them and them go to bed so there's nothing for them to find in the morining and if thy did unlock it they would be gone anyway. I do that to keep it clean not to hide. And I have a password but they know it they made me tell them.
 
I do check my daughters messages. She is 12 and autistic. However it's not her I'm checking up on, but the people who are texting her. We talk to her about what is and isn't safe, but I can tell you from experience that even what seems to be safe is not.
Checking on your kids isn't about respecting their privacy. It's about being there to protect them and to take an interest. Far too many parents leave there kids to their own devices more than they should. I don't believe society is benefiting from it. Do you? Suicide is up, drug abuse up, teenage pregnancy is up.
Don't want to take this down the PRSI forum, but needless to say I will continue to check on my daughter for as long as there are sick people in the world who want to take advantage of her.
 
The Doctor11 said:
My parents check everyhing when they take my phone. When ever they take it I turn it off. When I log on you did my phone at school it's always on. Then I get it back and all the apps will be open. Even words with friends... And sometimes when I wake up my phone notifications are scrolled all the way to the bottom... I guess my moms interested in my clash of clans notifications and CNN crap. If I get text I reapond to them and them go to bed so there's nothing for them to find in the morining and if thy did unlock it they would be gone anyway. I do that to keep it clean not to hide. And I have a password but they know it they made me tell them.
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The story of my life
 
Deguello said:
How many kids do you have?

The idea that parents and children are somehow on the same level is an odd one. If I tell my kid to do her homework, does that mean she has no reason not to try to direct my activities? Kids are kids and parents are parents. Their spheres of authority aren't the same. If I tell my kid to do her homework or mow the lawn or feed the dog or empty the dishwasher, that's what she needs to do. It doesn't mean she is then in a position to tell me what to do.
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No kids unless you count the 50-some kids that belong to other people that I help teach. They're all 5 or younger.

I was responding to the general "kids don't have or deserve privacy" posts. I was saying that checking on their tech is one thing, but barging in on them is a whole different thing especially with teens. If I don't allow my future children (and even my little ones at work) to have some level of privacy, then how can I expect them to learn to give myself and others the same? I'm not saying my kids have a right to tell me what do to. Of course they don't. But as human beings they have the right to bodily privacy.

But if you want to talk about kids invading their parents' privacy, I've taken a peek at my mom's personal email account and Facebook :rolleyes: . She uses simple passwords. Just proves that millennials are pretty tech-savvy. Now I know to use complicated passwords when I have kids. Or maybe everything will be fingerprint or retina scan then.
 
Just reading this makes me laugh. I can NOT wait for the people who don't have kids who are trying to tell the people who have kids how to raise them. :p

Taking care of someone's else's kids and you own kids are 2 totally different things (I been on both sides and they are no where close at all).

I have a 16 year old daughter and I lived and learned. I checked her text messages and a few times she got in trouble (years ago), but now she's so much better and I don't check them as much now. They funny part is, she use to hide stuff, but I always found a way. I think she learned I will find out one way or another, and she also learned if she comes to me 1st before I find out the hard way, it won't be as bad. I know she's going to mess up, but at least she comes to me.

Everyone has their one parenting style, and not one is perfect. I am doing my best and I just hope I teach her right from wrong. To the people who don't have kids and think us parents are doing it wrong, just wait. That is all I can say is just wait. :D
 
Primejimbo said:
Just reading this makes me laugh. I can NOT wait for the people who don't have kids who are trying to tell the people who have kids how to raise them. :p

Taking care of someone's else's kids and you own kids are 2 totally different things (I been on both sides and they are no where close at all).

I have a 16 year old daughter and I lived and learned. I checked her text messages and a few times she got in trouble (years ago), but now she's so much better and I don't check them as much now. They funny part is, she use to hide stuff, but I always found a way. I think she learned I will find out one way or another, and she also learned if she comes to me 1st before I find out the hard way, it won't be as bad. I know she's going to mess up, but at least she comes to me.

Everyone has their one parenting style, and not one is perfect. I am doing my best and I just hope I teach her right from wrong. To the people who don't have kids and think us parents are doing it wrong, just wait. That is all I can say is just wait. :D
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The way I see it, technology will be a lot more advanced, and my kids will understand it way better than I do. I'm more tech savvy than my parents who are boomers, so it's a safe bet that my kids will be able to do more than me as a millenial.

So I can think about what I would do with today's technology if I were a parent, but it's kind of pointless to set up a parenting plan for kids who won't be born for another decade or more. I'm sure my parents couldn't imagine texting or Facebook when they were my age in the 70s.

What I can do is look at how my parents treated me as a teen to help give current teens and their parents some examples. Of course smartphones weren't nearly as prevalent five to ten years ago. I didn't have one until I was in college, and my parents have mostly left me alone except when I had a major paper to write over spring break, so my mom took my phone for a few hours because she thought I was distracted. She also likes to monitor how often I post to Facebook. Privacy settings come in handy.
 
Just a 16 year old kid here, sirs and madams. I just want to give some stuff out coming from a teenager's perspective, and I also want to hear some parents' opinions on these.

Listen up guys, here's my story. Speaking about privacy and personal space, my mom used to check my iPod and iPhone every chance she got and go through every little thing on them. Yes, I know that she paid for these, but she didn't really give me an "I own it, I'm only letting you borrow it" policy and the way I see it, I own these devices that she gave me. I received these as gifts and "rewards", and because I was never given that rule/policy, my mom never took them back. She can, however, take them if she sees it as a distraction for me (ex. low grades), and I have no problem with that. As a twelve year old kid with a brand new iPhone, I was aware that my mom was checking my phone every chance she got which is why I put a passcode on it. She only asked why I had a passcode once or twice, but didn't ask about it again making it sound like it's not really a big deal. Coming from an all boys school, she only got stricter with her rules about low grades when she saw some messages in my lock screen from some girls. Because of this, it's like she really wants me to get grounded just so she can get her hands on my phone (I did get grounded though, and she went through all my photos and messages :p). Fast forward and I'm 16 now and my mom pretty much accepted that fact that it's actually normal for a teenager to talk to girls and I never saw her mess with my phone ever again. Happy ending, right? Not yet.

Here's what I think. Yes, I'm aware that parents only want what's best for their children. I just want to say that you guys check our phones to make sure we we are not doing anything illegal, wrong, or some stuff you're against, but if you guys raised your kids right, why should you be scared? You guys trust us, believe in your parenting skills, and we trust you in return. If we do mess up somewhere, just give us a talk about it and we'll learn from our mistakes. You guys don't need to be the CSI. We sometimes need to learn on our own, you don't want some adults living in your basement since you made them cling to you so much, right?

Now it's kinda out of topic but about that privacy and personal space thing. Parents should somehow respect their kids' privacy and personal space with their phones, right? How bout rooms? Cause I'm a 16 year old guy, and I've been asking for my own room for like 4 years now. I have my own bed and closet, but I still sleep in the same room with my mom and 8 year old sister. This is a parents' thread, right? Thoughts?
 
CandyTree said:
Here's what I think. Yes, I'm aware that parents only want what's best for their children. I just want to say that you guys check our phones to make sure we we are not doing anything illegal, wrong, or some stuff you're against, but if you guys raised your kids right, why should you be scared? You guys trust us, believe in your parenting skills, and we trust you in return. If we do mess up somewhere, just give us a talk about it and we'll learn from our mistakes. You guys don't need to be the CSI. We sometimes need to learn on our own, you don't want some adults living in your basement since you made them cling to you so much, right?
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Trust, but verify.

It's not really about ownership of the device, it's about ongoing behavior. My younger daughter got an iPhone for her twelfth birthday; my older daughter hadn't really been interested in smartphones, but bought herself a Windows phone the very same day. They both have the same rules.

If one of them bought an Xbox, for example, there would still be rules about when and how they could use it. Just because she bought it doesn't mean she gets to use it at 3AM on a school night.

I'm not sure how or why you make the leap from checking a teen's phone messages to their living in the basement and being clingy. I'd guess that happens more with the cool parents than with those who set boundaries and expectations. Having rules and enforcing rules doesn't mean raising emotional cripples.
 
Phil A. said:
Our daughter is almost 16 and there's no way in hell we'd ever even consider checking her phone - as far as we're concerned she is entitled to respect and privacy.

We have always tried to treat her like an adult and she has responded by behaving in a mature and trustworthy manner: Routinely checking her private property would destroy the trust we've built up between us over the years and would do far more harm than good. I would even go as far as to say it could almost encourage deceitful behaviour (as others have said, kids can easily hide / delete things anyway and they're more likely to do this if they think their parent is going to be invading their privacy and checking their phone).
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I agree with you completely. And, you're only encouraging them to hide stuff from you by checking their devices. Unless you have reason to be suspicious of something, there is no need to keep checking it IMO. If they're getting getting good grades / eating well / acting normally / etc... I don't see the need to check their stuff.

I know kids that delete messages or parts of their messages immediately after they are sent or received. And I know kids that don't delete anything. You wouldn't know if something was deleted or not. So I don't know what some people would prefer.
 
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groupersandwich said:
We check our daughter's phone and make no apologies for doing so. As a child she has the right to live under our roof, be fed, educated, clothed and not be abused. Everything else is a PRIVILEGE, iPhone included. I pay for the phone, it belongs to ME, she only borrows it. She can either willfully submit to my rules, including inspection of all electronic devices, or have the PRIVILEGE revoked. No gray area, no compromises.
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Quoted for truth!
 
Phil A. said:
If she was acting strangely, I'd sit down and talk with her - I certainly wouldn't spy on her nor insist she showed me her phone so I could have a look through her private life

IMO, kids (and people in general) will respond to how they are treated: If you treat them with trust and respect, they'll react in kind and if you treat them with mistrust and disrespect they'll repay that by behaving in a distrusting manner
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No offense.. but as a 21 year old I'm really glad my parents didn't do this whole, "Sit down and talk.." business. My parents were very strict, which included that they were granted access to any computer, social media account, or device that I owned. You know why? Because kids sometimes don't see danger until it's too late. And we are really good at lying... if you had been my parent in high school I would have totally walked all over your "Let's sit down and talk" way of handling things. I respect my parents for raising me with boundaries, and I love them even more for it.

So many parents don't see that you can have your cake and eat it too. If you invest lots of time in your kids.. day trips on Saturdays, movie nights randomly throughout the week, a concert or a ball game here and there... then they will be more likely to want to respect your boundaries. I could have rebelled and broken the rules, but it would have been letting my mom and dad down. I'd say that's the real key to good parenting... be the kind of parent that your kid doesn't want to let down.
 
CandyTree said:
Here's what I think. Yes, I'm aware that parents only want what's best for their children. I just want to say that you guys check our phones to make sure we we are not doing anything illegal, wrong, or some stuff you're against, but if you guys raised your kids right, why should you be scared?
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You realize at 16 you are still being raised, right? :)
 
groupersandwich said:
We check our daughter's phone and make no apologies for doing so. As a child she has the right to live under our roof, be fed, educated, clothed and not be abused. Everything else is a PRIVILEGE, iPhone included. I pay for the phone, it belongs to ME, she only borrows it. She can either willfully submit to my rules, including inspection of all electronic devices, or have the PRIVILEGE revoked. No gray area, no compromises.

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No, they're not.
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You do realize that we can easily delete every single message sent and also clear the safari history and cache, right? And also the phone cals recents.
 
As a parent of a teenager,

I do not strive to be "cool". I strive to be a role model for him when he enters adulthood. I allow him privacy, and whatever he wants, so long as he continues to keep good grades, and pay for his debts. I encourage him to be wise with money. As long as he is fulfilling that (as I am, except my job, not with grades anymore) he can text whoever he wants. He knows the dangers of drugs, and I'm sure that he knows he will deal with whatever punishment there is for any action he commits. I am there as a mentor for when he chooses to listen to me.

But as far as I'm concerned, nothing teaches better than experience.

If he needs to encounter some dangerous experiences, then that is what needs to happen. I know that I did some stupid things when I was younger, but I grew from them. It is my job as a parent to ensure that he has the same things, and undergoes comparable hardships.

I will never check his phone.

He is in charge of his own life.
 
vulcanvillalta said:
As a parent of a teenager,

I do not strive to be "cool". I strive to be a role model for him when he enters adulthood. I allow him privacy, and whatever he wants, so long as he continues to keep good grades, and pay for his debts. I encourage him to be wise with money. As long as he is fulfilling that (as I am, except my job, not with grades anymore) he can text whoever he wants. He knows the dangers of drugs, and I'm sure that he knows he will deal with whatever punishment there is for any action he commits. I am there as a mentor for when he chooses to listen to me.

But as far as I'm concerned, nothing teaches better than experience.

If he needs to encounter some dangerous experiences, then that is what needs to happen. I know that I did some stupid things when I was younger, but I grew from them. It is my job as a parent to ensure that he has the same things, and undergoes comparable hardships.

I will never check his phone.

He is in charge of his own life.
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AMEN !! ..it's a matter of trust..
 
rrares1996 said:
You do realize that we can easily delete every single message sent and also clear the safari history and cache, right? And also the phone cals recents.
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Absolutely you can. And it's been done. Teen's are sneaky and dishonest that way, it's the nature of the beast. That's why I've been known to reach over and just grab it from her at random times and inspect it. The vast majority of the times there's nothing to see. But there have been things discovered that we've needed to discuss and times when her "privilege" has been revoked because of it. The alternative Facebook page (we suspected it anyway) was a good one. That one earned her a 9 weeks of school with no phone. And I've seen reference to being the "cool" parent. I have no interest in being the "cool" parent, just the mature, responsible parent who puts the safety and well being of my children above all else. She may resent it now but she'll thank me one day. I know I resented the hell out of my parents for many things but as I've matured and become a parent myself I've come to realize why they did the things they did and how I benefited from it.
 
eljanitor said:
Being a responsible parent means sometimes you check messages, etc etc etc if you suspect somethings up. I was a teenager now I'm a parent. If I suspect that somethings up, I have every right to check text messages, emails etc. When you're 18 you can do as you like. That includes moving out living however you like, and paying for your own phone and cell phone bill etc etc.
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Teen's are sneaky and dishonest that way, it's the nature of the beast. That's why I've been known to reach over and just grab it from her at random times and inspect it. The vast majority of the times there's nothing to see. But there have been things discovered that we've needed to discuss and times when her "privilege" has been revoked because of it. The alternative Facebook page (we suspected it anyway) was a good one. That one earned her a 9 weeks of school with no phone. And I've seen reference to being the "cool" parent. I have no interest in being the "cool" parent, just the mature, responsible parent who puts the safety and well being of my children above all else. She may resent it now but she'll thank me one day. I know I resented the hell out of my parents for many things but as I've matured and become a parent myself I've come to realize why they did the things they did and how I benefited from it.
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100% with all the above ^^

Fact: Being a responsible parent is work, teens and pre-teens living in the home under mom and dad are not yet full grown adults they lack a great deal of experience. The whole idea is to train them to know and discern right from wrong, and to be responsible adults when they grow up. Theres no need to be a prison ward to accomplish that with balanced children. No you can't control everything/move they do/make nor should want or have to. The reality is that we live in a world that does not have our childrens best interest at heart and our children quite often lack any ability to understand/discern/detect many of the hidden dangers that can hurt them.

With my daughters we communicate so before they were even given the privilege of owning a phone (as well as internet use) rules were set boundries were established. We're not ignorant and clueless parents who throw caution to the wind in favor of being these COOL indiscriminate-freedom-giving buddy parents. We know and they know exactly who they can text, so no we don't feel the need to always go looking through their stuff, however if I suspect something questionable going on they KNOW I will 'randomly' (I'm not stupid)check, so at the end of the day there's no questions asked. No I can't control what they decide to do or hide from us but at least they are being trained to know better, thats the best my wife and I can do for our children.
 
Checking your teen's private messages is great if you think "trust" has no place in a parent/child relationship.
 
If you think their text messages may offend/shock you, you wouldn't want to know what they are doing in the shower. It would make the Roto-Rooter man turn over in his grave.
 
Parents shouldn't want to check their kid's phones...unless they have a strong suspicion of drug use or underage drinking, or something life threatening
 
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