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Do you check your teen's messages?
- Thread starter theapplefanboyj
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My parents never really checked my phone unless they thought something was suspicious but they did make me leave my phone in their room before I went to bed as a teen. Mostly because I would stay up all night and text and talk on the phone. Maybe they did check it while I was sleeping ha!
Yes. Totally agree with this. My parents gave me a lot of freedom in high school as long as I got good grades and was home by curfew. I was a pretty good student and was home by cruder or called if I was going to be late, so they left me alone. They did like to know all my friends and their parents and had me invite my friend over often. I had nothing to hide, and they had nothing they wanted to see.
Fast forward to college where I had a hard time balancing the extracurriculars I wanted to be involved in as well as my newfound social life. Grades slipped, and my parents wanted to check on me more. Unfortunately that's hard to do when your parents are several hours away and you rarely go home. I'm now almost 23 and still feel like the leash is trying to tighten. So I adjust my Facebook settings and stay off chat. I changed banks and got electronic statements.
I even saw it with my high school friends. The ones who were given a lot of freedom in high school and while home in college have nothing to hide. The ones that had strict parents in high school had everything to hide once they went away to college.
My Daughter does have boundaries and has had since she was very young. We've always taken the view that rather than just saying "no", we say "no, because" and explain why we have set the boundaries we have. For example, we don't let her play 18 rated games or watch 18 rated movies and because we have explained to her why she shouldn't be playing / watching things that are rated for adults at her age, she understands and is fine (and no, she isn't watching them behind our back!)
The point I was trying to make is if you create an environment of distrust it will lead to more problems than treating your kids as responsible human beings and showing them a bit of trust
I agree completely. But if my parents were to read it they would read it as
Parents shouldn't want to check their kids phones...unless they want to.
I suppose that there are many different methods of parenting. I think trust between parent and child is very important. Perhaps more so than a traditional parental infallibility.
Citation needed. And a definition of "strict," while you're at it.
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I know that checking your child's messages can be because you care about them, but I still think that children deserve the right to feel trusted. I grew up in a household where my mother insisted on monitoring everything electronic I owned. For example, she had parental controls on my internet until I was 19 (when I graduated from high school) and got an email synopsis of every website I visited. I remember when I was learning Japanese in high school, when I would visit a website in Japanese to practice my language skills (for mundane and completely innocent things like video game tutorials no less) she would get angry and yell at me and accuse me of trying to visit inappropriate websites in Japanese because I knew she wouldn't be able to read them. She would constantly rifle though my things and read my diary when she could find it.
She kept saying she did all of this because she wanted to be a good parent and keep me safe, but I always felt like I must just not be good enough and that's why she couldn't trust me. It made me feel inadequate and not worthy of ever being trusted. I never did anything bad (never did drugs, or underaged sex, always had good grades, etc.), but the better I behaved, the harder she tightened the leash.
Even now when I am 25 I compulsively hide everything because I feel like that's the only way I can have privacy, and I am not able to open up with my mother and share anything about my personal life because I always feel like she would judge me so I'd rather just keep everything to myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand that checking a child's messages is well within a parent's right, but by giving them no electronic privacy even when they have proved they are trustworthy can just make them feel inadequate and not worthy of being trusted. And I don't think any child deserves to feel that way.
She kept saying she did all of this because she wanted to be a good parent and keep me safe, but I always felt like I must just not be good enough and that's why she couldn't trust me. It made me feel inadequate and not worthy of ever being trusted. I never did anything bad (never did drugs, or underaged sex, always had good grades, etc.), but the better I behaved, the harder she tightened the leash.
Even now when I am 25 I compulsively hide everything because I feel like that's the only way I can have privacy, and I am not able to open up with my mother and share anything about my personal life because I always feel like she would judge me so I'd rather just keep everything to myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I understand that checking a child's messages is well within a parent's right, but by giving them no electronic privacy even when they have proved they are trustworthy can just make them feel inadequate and not worthy of being trusted. And I don't think any child deserves to feel that way.
I totally agree with you. I'm almost 23, and my mom is the same way. I have to hide everything just to avoid the constant "get off Facebook and do your homework!"
You just have to learn to talk smooth to your parents. If my parents ever invaded my privacy I would probably do the same to them as well. I don't want the government nor my parents monitoring anything. I mean I'm 20 so its been a while since this has even been a remote concern but my view is if you can't trust me with a phone don't give me a phone at all. I mean kids are going to communicate with each other one way or another for the good or the bad, assuming its always bad is...bad! Its like the whole Drug War and Gun Debate issue, criminals and drug addicts are going to get what they want regardless....crude example but whatever
I bought my first phone and paid for the line, not because I had to but because it was a point of principle, ie: this is MY line not yours to mess with. My parents have always been very trustworthy and afford me and my siblings a ton of personal discretion, because of that I know how to act. Being overprotective will generally have the opposite effect one way or another.
Anyways my parents know I could probably wage a pretty serious war of surveillance and overall argumentative hell on them so its no big deal.
I bought my first phone and paid for the line, not because I had to but because it was a point of principle, ie: this is MY line not yours to mess with. My parents have always been very trustworthy and afford me and my siblings a ton of personal discretion, because of that I know how to act. Being overprotective will generally have the opposite effect one way or another.
Anyways my parents know I could probably wage a pretty serious war of surveillance and overall argumentative hell on them so its no big deal.
I've never had parental controls on anything I've used. I've never had my parents going through my messages or anything like that. I'm older now, so they needn't bother starting.
My parents aren't naive. They know that I'd be smart enough to make anything I didn't want them to see disappear before they saw it. It's pretty simple really, they give me their trust and allow me privacy. If they EVER found out I'd done something to break that trust, it's gone forever.
It worked for me. If they were to look at my messages, it wouldn't be overly exciting. Sure, because I'm accustomed to my parents not seeing anything, there are a few things I talk about that I'd rather they didn't know, but they're not things that would get me in trouble. I have no urge to do anything they wouldn't appreciate, despite the fact that I probably could get away with a bit. On the other hand, I appreciate that some kids are just *******s, and would cause utter chaos with that kind of free reign.
Something interesting I just remembered:
Growing up, my brother and I have always had very loose restrictions when it comes to technology, and we've always had a relatively large amount of tech in the house. Two of our cousins who are very similar in age to us grew up with parental restrictions, message checking, and fewer devices, yet their older one got in trouble in her "tween" years for extensive text bullying, and the younger one got pinned at around the same age for being foul-mouthed to his younger cousin on Facebook (and neither were caught via parents checking their messages, deleting isn't complicated). I should also point out that they now have relatively negative attitudes towards technology, which makes them unwilling to learn, and therefore, useless with it.
I don't know what to say really. I guess the right answer is different for every kid, but I lean more in favour of the "allow privacy until trust is broken" method.
My parents aren't naive. They know that I'd be smart enough to make anything I didn't want them to see disappear before they saw it. It's pretty simple really, they give me their trust and allow me privacy. If they EVER found out I'd done something to break that trust, it's gone forever.
It worked for me. If they were to look at my messages, it wouldn't be overly exciting. Sure, because I'm accustomed to my parents not seeing anything, there are a few things I talk about that I'd rather they didn't know, but they're not things that would get me in trouble. I have no urge to do anything they wouldn't appreciate, despite the fact that I probably could get away with a bit. On the other hand, I appreciate that some kids are just *******s, and would cause utter chaos with that kind of free reign.
Something interesting I just remembered:
Growing up, my brother and I have always had very loose restrictions when it comes to technology, and we've always had a relatively large amount of tech in the house. Two of our cousins who are very similar in age to us grew up with parental restrictions, message checking, and fewer devices, yet their older one got in trouble in her "tween" years for extensive text bullying, and the younger one got pinned at around the same age for being foul-mouthed to his younger cousin on Facebook (and neither were caught via parents checking their messages, deleting isn't complicated). I should also point out that they now have relatively negative attitudes towards technology, which makes them unwilling to learn, and therefore, useless with it.
I don't know what to say really. I guess the right answer is different for every kid, but I lean more in favour of the "allow privacy until trust is broken" method.
Mobile phones were like bricks when I was a teen in the 90's so it was never a problem for me as I also couldn't afford the £100 a month tariffs they had back then either.
My opinion is once you are 18 you are an adult and parents have no right to check personal messages. If you are under 16 then I think it is reasonable, especially if you don't have anything to hide. My brother checks his daughters phone and she is 15. She is very sensible and doesn't mind. He pays her bill too.
My opinion is once you are 18 you are an adult and parents have no right to check personal messages. If you are under 16 then I think it is reasonable, especially if you don't have anything to hide. My brother checks his daughters phone and she is 15. She is very sensible and doesn't mind. He pays her bill too.
Because I don't check my kids' messages, but would if there seemed to be a reason? That's an odd take. What have I written that supports your claim that I am a strict parent?
My parents would pull the, "well you are under my roof and therefore have to follow my rules".
IMO you don't get any freedom until you are out on your own and paying your own way. If mom and dad are keeping a roof over your head then they have every right to check your belongings as they see fit.
My parents never checked my computer or phones as a teenager because I never gave them a reason to. I went to high school/college and pulled good grades and was never in trouble.
Don't worry, then, my friend. You are a good kid. Your parents are just making sure you're not putting on a good show. Honestly, around 14-18 are the years when children get in the most trouble. While it is hard to see, they really are just caring about you, and trying to be good parents.
But the trouble is: It is very difficult to see from their perspective.
Just keep up the good work
Don't worry, then, my friend. You are a good kid. Your parents are just making sure you're not putting on a good show. Honestly, around 14-18 are the years when children get in the most trouble. While it is hard to see, they really are just caring about you, and trying to be good parents.
But the trouble is: It is very difficult to see from their perspective.
Just keep up the good work
I suppose I agree. As a parent, I choose to do things differently, but I can understand such concern.
What does it explain? My mom thinks that just because I appear in the Facebook chat window, I must be on there looking at things. It's on my phone. I'm technically logged in 24/7 even if the app isn't actually open. In this case it was because my professor gave us a break in the middle of class.
The way I see it, college kids don't deserve the same monitoring as high school kids. We don't keep a normal schedule, so what looks like time wasting probably isn't. I get that they pay for my stuff and reserve the right to check on me, but it's annoying that my mom doesn't understand how apps make things look compared to when it was just websites. Things have changed a lot since I was in high school in the mid-2000s.