This doesn't even make sense... Few really listened to the safety briefing anyway. Many people read a magazine or even SkyMall. Device or not if you want to pay attention you can. If you don't want to listen you're not going to.
"Welcome aboard flight 666 to Hades. It is under the command of Captain Satan, and First Officer Lucifer. The flying time is approximately 2 hours and 67 minutes, and the weather there is hot.
"We're here to make sure that you understand the safety features of this Boeing 797 aircraft, so please listen, and read along the safety card in the seat pocket in front of you.
"For those of you that have not been in an automobile in the last 50 years, we applaud you on your making it to the airport on foot, so here is how to put the seatbelt on. Put the tongue in the latch. Don't tie two tongues or two latches together. It just doesn't work that way.
"The doors are closed, so that means that you have to put all of your electronics in the flight or airplane mode. Airplane mode does not mean that you can continue to talk on it until the nose gear has lifted off the ground. It means, go to settings, and put it in airplane mode. Now.
"No part of this aircraft can be tampered with or disabled, especially the smoke detectors in the bathrooms. Why we don't have these handy devices all over the aircraft is beyond me, or why we have the smoke detectors in plain view, but anyways, don't mess with them. Or any other part of the aircraft. It's not meant to be messed with in flight. You don't fix your car while it is traveling 540mph, and we don't expect you to fix this airplane when it is traveling that fast, either.
"There are 8 exits that you can get to in the case of an emergency. The flight deck has one as well, and there are two cargo doors that can be used, too. Anyways, if you're by a door, and the airplane crashes, open it and help people get out. If there is a fire in front of the door, use the door on the other side of the airplane. duh.
"In the event of a water landing. Why it's not called a "watering" is beyond me, but regardless, should we land on water, the best advice is get out, quickly. Leave your crap behind, because the other people on the airplane will just throw it over the life rafts anyway. There are life preservers somewhere on your seat that you should inflate AFTER getting off the aircraft. If you want to see something really silly, imagine an airplane going underwater with 238 people on board that can't move because all of their life preservers were inflated. Get off the plane, then inflate. Oh yeah, we can do a really awkward manual blow up thingy, but it looks like the scene in Airplane! where the autopilot deflates. It just looks, well, better when the women simulate that.
"Oxygen masks... If you're not freaked out enough with all of the horrible things that can beset this aircraft, we can lose the microscopic pressure we'll be at, and oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Make sure that you put on your own mask first, then assist others. The reason for this is you can't help others when you're asphyxiated. The script tells me that you're supposed to breath normally, but really, if this event happens and you can breathe normally, you're a better person than I am.
"OK, put your trays up and your seat back in the upright position, and federal laws require that you obey all lighted signs, even though you'll think that the captain has turned off the "fasten seat belt" light when we get to 10,000 feet, but that's an audio signal, not a light. The light will still tell you to keep your seat belt fastened until your bladder is about to burst. Then he'll turn it off for 15 seconds until that normal jostle of the aircraft has him freaked out for the next 500 miles, and he'll turn it back on.
"Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight!"
For those of you that are flight attendants, that was from memory.