I'm StephenCampbell's Wife

[MrsCampbell]

Thank you for all the well-wishes. I am seeking counseling for myself. I do believe I have some degree of PPD/PPA.

As others have keenly observed, the issues "Mr Campbell" and I have go much deeper and are more abundant than just a disagreement over his mother. I could say a lot about them, but that was not the point of this post. I'll be addressing my feelings about them with a counselor.

This is not a spur-of-the-moment decision, nor one made in anger. "Mr Campbell" has been honest about his (lack of) feelings towards me, the reasons he married me, and the role he expects a wife to play. I do not want my daughter believing that is the sort of relationship she should have with her future partner, if she chooses to marry.

I deeply love "Mr Campbell" and would sit in counseling with him for years if I believed our marriage had a chance. I don't take the decision to divorce lightly at all. But "Mr Campbell" is missing the one element towards me that keeps marriages together through the rough times.

Thanks again for everyone's kind insights, both on my husband's original post and this one.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Thank you for all the well-wishes. I am seeking counseling for myself. I do believe I have some degree of PPD/PPA.

As others have keenly observed, the issues "Mr Campbell" and I have go much deeper and are more abundant than just a disagreement over his mother. I could say a lot about them, but that was not the point of this post. I'll be addressing my feelings about them with a counselor.

This is not a spur-of-the-moment decision, nor one made in anger. "Mr Campbell" has been honest about his (lack of) feelings towards me, the reasons he married me, and the role he expects a wife to play. I do not want my daughter believing that is the sort of relationship she should have with her future partner, if she chooses to marry.

I deeply love "Mr Campbell" and would sit in counseling with him for years if I believed our marriage had a chance. I don't take the decision to divorce lightly at all. But "Mr Campbell" is missing the one element towards me that keeps marriages together through the rough times.

Thanks again for everyone's kind insights, both on my husband's original post and this one.

Once again, I wish both you and your daughter the very best of luck and happiness and fulfilment both personal and professional for the future.

 

[smallcoffee]

Yeah so both of these people have been told to seek counseling. Please stop contributing to this crap. We have enough attention seekers as it is. MacRumors.com should not be a place where people go to get divorced or whatever.

Jesus

 

[AleXXXa]

Stephen, get a divorce as soon as possible. Believe me! It will only get worse if you stay together with her.

 

[Spink10]

Because single parents have proven to be so successful to our society?

 

[Scepticalscribe]

Stephen, get a divorce as soon as possible. Believe me! It will only get worse if you stay together with her.

[A]part from the impressive and extraordinarily generous @GrumpyMom - whom Stephen treated with boundary broaching contempt - and who still warmly wished Stephen, his soon-to-be-ex-wife, and his daughter all well for the future, - few others extended such wishes to Stephen, while explicitly and expressly wishing his daughter and wife well.

Certainly, I did not. And this was - and is - quite deliberate. This is because - to a very large extent, I believe, and I have believed from the outset, that he has brought this largely upon himself.

His wife and child deserve far better, for now and for the future, and I believe that they are doing the right thing in seeking a fresh start in a different - and a hopefully far more positive - and supportive environment elsewhere.

 

[MrsCampbell]

"Mr Campbell" has asked me to make a correction in my post. He took offense to me stating "... and the role he expects a wife to play."

Here is his correction:
"I've been very, very clear about the fact that it was only with YOU specifically that I took on the attitude of "If I can't have my soul mate/classical musician/in-laws that I appreciate and respect, etc, then the next best thing is a stepford wife, and I'll probably never be offered a stepford wife again, so I should grab this up. I do not ideally want a stepford wife in my life."

I was not aware when he proposed that the only reason he was doing it was for a "Stepford Wife." I did not offer to be that sort of wife.

 

[StephenCampbell]

Hey everyone. Isn't this fun? Yes, what MrsCampbell quotes above is what I said. I made a terrible, stupid mistake in moving towards marriage with her, because I did not have the proper feelings and thoughts on the matter. She gave me the impression that she would be like a stepford wife, which was a tempting offer, but I lacked the adoration, romantic love, respect, etc, that should have been present on my end, and I just decided that I should seal the deal since I'll probably never find someone else who would love me the way she did. It was a classic example of proposing for all the wrong reasons and out of fear. I am very remorseful for all of it, for everything that has happened. And as you all know from my previous thread, I was for a long time still trying to tell myself that I'm adequately in love with her, that this is really the person I want to be with for life, etc. I was trying to make it work, I really was.

 

[MrsCampbell]

[A]part from the impressive and extraordinarily generous @GrumpyMom - whom Stephen treated with boundary broaching contempt - and who still warmly wished Stephen, his soon-to-be-ex-wife, and his daughter all well for the future, - few others extended such wishes to Stephen, while explicitly and expressly wishing his daughter and wife well.

Certainly, I did not. And this was - and is - quite deliberate. This is because - to a very large extent, I believe, and I have believed from the outset, that he has brought this largely upon himself.

His wife and child deserve far better, for now and for the future, and I believe that they are doing the right thing in seeking a fresh start in a different - and a hopefully far more positive - and supportive environment elsewhere.

Thank you. I'm touched how you are able to treat me, just some stranger on the internet, with such kindness.

 

[StephenCampbell]

Now that the truth about our history has been brought to light, that I should have never proposed to her in the first place, being that I lacked deep feelings of love, adoration, or passion for her, I hope that a larger understanding of the whole situation can be adopted. I am a good person who was too cowardly to break up with a girl who loved me, because I didn't want to hurt her. I thought I could convince myself to be happy with her for a lifetime, to avoid hurting her. I consequently hurt her a lot in the relationship because of my lack of deep love for her, and I am very regretful over that. But going forward I now vow to be honest with myself and to break up with people who I don't want to be with. That being said, I hope that MrsCampbell and I can have a functional co-parenting arrangement going forward (I don't plan to be extremely involved with the baby), and handle everything in a civil, adult manner.
[doublepost=1467160907][/doublepost]I am still working through my feelings in therapy as well, and may discover that I am and always have been in love with MrsCampbell. Who knows. I have difficulty feeling my emotions, in general.

 

[mobilehaathi]

I am a good person

Nah,

I don't plan to be extremely involved with the baby

See?

 

[StephenCampbell]

Nah,



See?

I was saying that in a "I won't impose myself if I'm not wanted" kind of way. I want to be involved myself.
[doublepost=1467161256][/doublepost]My definition of "not extremely involved" was at least a couple days seeing the baby each month too, and that's even if they're several hours away, which they might be.

 

[mobilehaathi]

I was saying that in a "I won't impose myself if I'm not wanted" kind of way. I want to be involved myself.

You two made some mistakes, and now you have an innocent baby. I hope you two can, in spite of all your problems individually and with each other, give your child the attention and love she deserves.

Edit: BTW, that includes, but isn't exclusively limited to, paying child support.

 

[MrsCampbell]

You two made some mistakes, and now you have an innocent baby. I hope you two can, in spite of all your problems individually and with each other, give your child the attention and love she deserves.

Edit: BTW, that includes, but isn't exclusively limited to, paying child support.

Thank you. Our daughter is such a sweetheart! She just started crawling today.

 

[MacDawg]

@MrsCampbell this Forum wasn't the most appropriate place or the best way for this to be played out or revealed to you. Nobody deserves to have their dirty laundry aired publicly, particularly without a chance for rebuttal. That said, at least now you know a good many things you probably already suspected, and you are prepared to make the necessary and difficult changes. There is hope. And there is meaningful life after even the worst of emotional upheavals. Divorce, while traumatic, does not have to be debilitating, and there is every reason to believe you will find peace, fulfillment and yes, love in the coming days. I wish you and your daughter all of the happiness your hearts and lives can hold.

@StephenCampbell I hope you will treat this as a wake up call and take the necessary steps to get your life in order. Not every one gets a chance to right wrongs they have committed or change the course of their lives. Take responsibility for your actions and don't waste this opportunity. Let something good come from this. I encourage you to resist the temptation to blame others and instead be accountable. You can be a Phoenix who rises from the ashes to make something of himself. I hope you do.

 

[Scepticalscribe]

(I don't plan to be extremely involved with the baby),

I was saying that in a "I won't impose myself if I'm not wanted" kind of way. I want to be involved myself.
[doublepost=1467161256][/doublepost]My definition of "not extremely involved" was at least a couple days seeing the baby each month too, and that's even if they're several hours away, which they might be.

Riddle me this: You are stating that you wish to be involved with your child less than your earlier thread had given us cause to believe that you wished for your mother to be involved?

And you put your wife through the wringer when you were asking for a degree of access to your child for your mother, that you are not prepared to wish to have, or to seek for yourself? Are you serious?

Now, I well remember your earlier threads, and I believe that they gave context to your subsequent ones.

Now that the truth about our history has been brought to light, that I should have never proposed to her in the first place, being that I lacked deep feelings of love, adoration, or passion for her, I hope that a larger understanding of the whole situation can be adopted. I am a good person who was too cowardly to break up with a girl who loved me, because I didn't want to hurt her. I thought I could convince myself to be happy with her for a lifetime, to avoid hurting her. I consequently hurt her a lot in the relationship because of my lack of deep love for her, and I am very regretful over that.

That, unfortunately, was very evident from your earlier threads and posts.

I seem to recall mentioning - in a few different posts - that never once, not once, was there a warm, affectionate word - a word of love, warmth, delight, affection, - let alone respect - written about your wife in your posts.

Or, for that matter, - an equally telling omission - your daughter. You never once wrote warmly of her, not once.

You never gave a sense that you saw either of them as other than adornments to your life, or possessions in your life.

I am still working through my feelings in therapy as well, and may discover that I am and always have been in love with MrsCampbell. Who knows. I have difficulty feeling my emotions, in general.

No. I suspect that you have always been in love with your mother.

You, and your parents, all made abundantly made clear your monstrous lack of respect towards your wife.

And, honestly, seeking a 'stepford wife' even as a substitute is such an appalling - and twisted - thing to want to do to another human being - it is to wilfully enter into a relationship where you deny their humanity, and abrogate yourself from the responsibility of having to respect - or even acknowledge - their views or feelings.

This is an appalling admission.

And, one other thing @StephenCampbell - apart from your narcissistic self-absorption - was the utter lack of generosity, - and I am not just talking about financial generosity - but human support and empathy, taking delight and pleasure and pride in the achievements and talents of the other - evident in your posts.

Again, good luck to your wife and child.

 

[sartrekid]

@StephenCampbell, I hope for your own sake, that you will get to recognise that you are wilfully dehumanising women and humans of a different ethnicity than your own. And, from what I've read, you see no wrong in that at all.

You are not awake. You're deeply asleep. I hope - for you - that you can wake up someday and work on yourself in "earnest". So far, so many people have given you excellent advice and bent over backwards in doing so. None of that sound advice seems to have reached you in any way. You seem to be incapable of truly and sincerely questioning yourself, your thoughts, and your actions. And unless you can recognise that, nothing will ever change.

 

[Apple_Robert]

I am glad that something positive has come from the previous thread.

If the previous thread wasn't bad enough, Stephen, you reveal just how dysfunctional you are with the "Stepford Wife" comment. I share Sceptical's thoughts on that matter.

I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around how a man can show such utter contempt for not only himself, but also a wife and a baby, by knowingly living a lie day after day, month after month, and year after year.

 

[MrsCampbell]

Riddle me this: You are stating that you wish to be involved with your child less than your earlier thread had given us cause to believe that you wished for your mother to be involved?

And you put your wife through the wringer when you were asking for a degree of access to your child for your mother, that you are not prepared to wish to have, or to seek for yourself? Are you serious?

Now, I well remember your earlier threads, and I believe that they gave context to your subsequent ones.



That, unfortunately, was very evident from your earlier threads and posts.

I seem to recall mentioning - in a few different posts - that never once, not once, was there a warm, affectionate word - a word of love, warmth, delight, affection, - let alone respect - written about your wife in your posts.

Or, for that matter, - an equally telling omission - your daughter. You never once wrote warmly of her, not once.

You never gave a sense that you saw either of them as other than adornments to your life, or possessions in your life.



No. I suspect that you have always been in love with your mother.

You, and your parents, all made abundantly made clear your monstrous lack of respect towards your wife.

And, honestly, seeking a 'stepford wife' even as a substitute is such an appalling - and twisted - thing to want to do to another human being - it is to wilfully enter into a relationship where you deny their humanity, and abrogate yourself from the responsibility of having to respect - or even acknowledge - their views or feelings.

This is an appalling admission.

And, one other thing @StephenCampbell - apart from your narcissistic self-absorption - was the utter lack of generosity, - and I am not just talking about financial generosity - but human support and empathy, taking delight and pleasure and pride in the achievements and talents of the other - evident in your posts.

Again, good luck to your wife and child.

You are indeed very insightful to have made these observations just by what you've seen on the previous thread and this one.

His lack of warmth in regards to discussions about our daughter on the previous thread was probably the thing that appalled me the most when I read it yesterday. I believe one or two posters even asked about our daughter and he ignored their questions, and continued to talk about himself and his mother.

In fact, over the last few days as we discussed the future of our marriage, the likelihood of divorce, as he revealed all his previous hidden feelings, and so on, not once (until I called him out on it) did he say anything about what's best for our daughter, how he wants to be there for her as a father, how sad he would be if we divorced and he didn't get to see her as often, etc. It's all been about what I can do for him, what he would get out of it if we stay married, and the continued topic of how often his mom needs to see our daughter.
[doublepost=1467172550][/doublepost]I appreciate everyone's support. I do want to make it clear I didn't start this thread as a "Let's Bash Mr Campbell" thing, however, so I hope it doesn't go in that direction. He has some (I believe) serious issues to work on but we are all flawed in some way. I have things I need to work on in counseling as well. Perhaps it is just my continued naivety or the feelings of love I still have towards him clouding my judgment, but I do believe Mr Campbell has within him the potential to be a very kind, wonderful man. He has done sweet things in the past. I don't think he's an evil man. I think he had a strange, damaging upbringing that has thus far prevented him from becoming his true self. I sincerely hope he is able to realize his true potential one day with the help of his counselors.

 

[ouimetnick]

You are a very wonderful women MrsCampbell. You deserve so much better, someone who respects you, your daughter and who views you as a companion not a step ford wife. As soon as I read the first few pages of MrCampbell's thread I was hoping it would end in divorce since I truly believed he was obsessed with his mother and you would be taking the backseat.

Best wishes to you and stay strong.

 

[5105973]

You are indeed very insightful to have made these observations just by what you've seen on the previous thread and this one.

His lack of warmth in regards to discussions about our daughter on the previous thread was probably the thing that appalled me the most when I read it yesterday. I believe one or two posters even asked about our daughter and he ignored their questions, and continued to talk about himself and his mother.

In fact, over the last few days as we discussed the future of our marriage, the likelihood of divorce, as he revealed all his previous hidden feelings, and so on, not once (until I called him out on it) did he say anything about what's best for our daughter, how he wants to be there for her as a father, how sad he would be if we divorced and he didn't get to see her as often, etc. It's all been about what I can do for him, what he would get out of it if we stay married, and the continued topic of how often his mom needs to see our daughter.
[doublepost=1467172550][/doublepost]I appreciate everyone's support. I do want to make it clear I didn't start this thread as a "Let's Bash Mr Campbell" thing, however, so I hope it doesn't go in that direction. He has some (I believe) serious issues to work on but we are all flawed in some way. I have things I need to work on in counseling as well. Perhaps it is just my continued naivety or the feelings of love I still have towards him clouding my judgment, but I do believe Mr Campbell has within him the potential to be a very kind, wonderful man. He has done sweet things in the past. I don't think he's an evil man. I think he had a strange, damaging upbringing that has thus far prevented him from becoming his true self. I sincerely hope he is able to realize his true potential one day with the help of his counselors.

Very well said. That's been my experience of talking to your husband, that he has a hard time focusing outward past his own wants and needs. And I share your observations of the damage his upbringing has wrought on him and share your hope he will one day wake up and work to be the best version of himself he can possibly be.

I'm sorry to finally make your acquaintance under such sad circumstances. Despite all of the challenges he's had focusing outside of himself, Stephen did manage to convey that you're a lovely and intelligent woman and I see that he was accurately representing you to us in that respect. I commend you for attempting to respect his place on this forum and his privacy despite the obvious stress and tension you're both experiencing with each other.

That's wonderful news about your daughter starting to crawl. I appreciate your sharing that little bit of news with us. I did wonder what stage she was in by now. As an aunt, great-aunt and mom, I'm surrounded by girls at various ages and stages and it's a blast. You're in for some great moments with your little girl.

I'm sad to hear you're feeling you might have PPD. But you've been through a lot already and still don't have an easy road ahead of you. It's understandable. And treatable. If you saw my posts in the other thread you'll know I've been through it myself and I empathize. My thoughts and prayers are with all three of you as you navigate through this challenging and difficult time.

 

[StephenCampbell]

I would like to add something that I shared with MrsCampbell yesterday. I addressed her concern over my evident lack of warmth or care towards our daughter in the discussions we were having. I explained to her that it is not a habit of mine to vulnerably express emotions in that way, and I'm wired to speak in dry, technical, analytic, emotionally detached terms, regardless of what I may be feeling underneath. The truth is that I love our daughter very much, I miss her a great deal right now, and the thought of her missing me makes me very very sad and wanting nothing more than to be holding her and tossing her in the air to make her laugh, and playing with her on the floor. I also love my wife very much, even though there has never really been a time where I felt 100% confident with the thought of being with her forever. I wanted so much to be able to just find happiness with a wife and family, and I thought I could lock up and shut away all the parts of me that were in conflict with that, and all the parts of me that felt I didn't have the right feelings of love and passion for MrsCampbell. I said to myself "A normal guy would be overjoyed to have the heart of this wonderful woman, and would have no hesitations about getting married," so I wanted to take the actions that a normal guy would take in the hopes of the ensuing circumstances forcing my feelings into a more "normal" state. I thought I could force myself onto a track that would inevitably lead to stability and happiness. I was afraid I'd never find another woman who would feel that way about me, so the fact that I didn't feel I was in love with her would have to be overlooked.

MrsCampbell would confirm that I have been a very good, hands on, devoted father. The thought of being only a relatively small part of our daughter's life going forward makes me really sad, but I have to try to think rationally about the whole picture. If MrsCampbell was never someone that I really felt was right for me in marriage, then it won't do anyone any good for us to try and stay married. The best we can do is stay on good terms and be the best parenting team we can be under the circumstances.

However, I would like to also add that I've been reading a lot about "marriage anxiety" and relationship OCD, and as far as I know myself, I may very well have feelings for MrsCampbell that issues like those block from my perception. One of my therapists straight up does not believe me when I say I don't want to be married to her. He points to my proposal, wedding planning, wedding, honeymoon, all the time that I felt very happy, stable, and proud of MrsCampbell during the pregnancy and early months with the baby, and he says "How can you tell me you didn't want to marry her?" Obviously at least a Part of me wanted to marry her. And what if that's the part of me that is who I really want to be, and it's just having trouble fighting with the parts of me that are self-destructive?

Personally my desire right now is for us to keep spending time apart for a bit longer (she's at her dad's right now), and just breathe and take it one day at a time and see how we feel. I know I need that. I need some time alone to sort things out and figure out what I feel and what I want. In the last week since MrsCampbell and our daughter left, I have not reached out to my mom and have little to no desire to. This is my life, and I need to figure out what I want in my life and who I want to be. My mom has very little relevance to the big picture of my life going forward.

 

[5105973]

Hey everyone. Isn't this fun? Yes, what MrsCampbell quotes above is what I said. I made a terrible, stupid mistake in moving towards marriage with her, because I did not have the proper feelings and thoughts on the matter. She gave me the impression that she would be like a stepford wife, which was a tempting offer, but I lacked the adoration, romantic love, respect, etc, that should have been present on my end, and I just decided that I should seal the deal since I'll probably never find someone else who would love me the way she did. It was a classic example of proposing for all the wrong reasons and out of fear. I am very remorseful for all of it, for everything that has happened. And as you all know from my previous thread, I was for a long time still trying to tell myself that I'm adequately in love with her, that this is really the person I want to be with for life, etc. I was trying to make it work, I really was.

It's not fun, it's extremely sad. You did not make a mistake marrying her at all. She's amazing. Even now when she could publicly blast you a new one, she's dignified and considerate enough not to do that. Marrying a woman that awesome is not a mistake if you could even at this late stage realize what a treasure she is and treat her as such. Love is as much action as it is emotion.

The mistake was in failing to recognize and do something about your attachment to your mom before you went out looking for someone to become serious about. I hope you continue your therapy to address that.

The mistake is in persisting to see your wife (and other people) as archetypes rather than individual human beings.

The mistake is in not considering your wife's feelings beyond a superficial level, or anybody's feelings but your own or your mother's. There is some form of narcissism on display there. Something is seriously off about anyone who would think a Stepford wife sounds appealing. The whole point of the book and the movies made from it was that the concept was appalling for all concerned. It was satire. In the book and the movies, only narcissistic bullies found it appealing. But it became clear that in replacing the vibrant spouses with docile subservient ones they were cheating themselves out of worthwhile partners. The audience could see that. But the power-tripping husbands were too wrapped up in themselves to see it.

I do wish you well, Stephen. I'm very saddened by this turn of events. I do bear you no hard feelings or ill will regarding the racial matters we discussed in the prior thread. It is what it is. I hope you make good progress in your therapy.

 

[lowendlinux]

I can't say this was unexpected...

I will say I'm glad I read the last page of that thread after the lock though.

 

[StephenCampbell]

This is exactly what my therapist as well as a big part of me is saying. I know she's amazing. The thing is that no matter how amazing someone is, if one does not feel deep romantic love, affection, adoration, etc, for that person, it is a mistake to propose to them. I'm still trying to figure out whether that was really the case with me or whether I just had relationship OCD and made the choice to ignore it. As my therapist points out, I did choose to marry her, and as I know for myself, that is no small thing. Having found someone that I could feel comfortable and confident marrying, on Any level, is huge. I did think it through a lot before proposing, and I was in full recognition of everything you say about how wonderful she is.

But it happens sometimes in life that a really wonderful person really wants to be with someone, and throws themselves in their arms, and the other person says "I'm sorry, I don't feel that way about you, I would love to be friends though." What if that was simply what I would have said if I were honest with myself and not afraid of breaking her heart? There is such a thing as unrequited love, I'm aware that sometimes someone just doesn't feel that way about someone regardless of how wonderful they are or how much they want to be with them.

I'm still trying to sort this all out.

There were several not insignificant reasons to see her as not the best match for me, and those reasons still exist. They say nothing bad about her, just about our compatibility. I've always felt that a more "normal" guy would have just been overjoyed to have her and never have any of these doubts or hesitations. But as I said, sometimes someone just says "I'm sorry, I'd love to be friends."

Of course a large part of me agrees with everything you say. I followed your train of thought completely when I forcibly pushed myself past all my hesitations and proposed to her, being very clear on how wonderful and rare she is in so many ways.

But fear was a big component. Fear of never being able to find someone who would feel that way about me who I would also be absolutely crazy about. At the time I asked my mom what she thought and she supported the idea of proposing, and I still didn't truly, deeply feel that I adore her or am in love with her in the way I should be before proposing marriage. I did it because I told myself I was crazy for not feeling that, because of how great she is. But people generally agree that trying to bend and distort one's feelings out of fear that this is one's only shot at marriage, is not a good idea.

The fact is there are other women out there who are wonderful. And quite possibly after dating one of them for a few months, I could find myself honestly, joyfully, and with an authentic smile on my face and no voice in my head saying "You're lying to yourself," say "I'm completely in love with her, she makes me so happy, I can't wait to see her again, I love just being with her," etc. People understand that it's hard to find love, but they also understand that one should not just get married to the first person who gives them their heart, if that's not who they feel truly happy marrying.

I agreed with you. I proposed to her because I said to myself "This couldn't be a mistake. She's so wonderful."

And in all likelihood THAT voice that drove me that way is my authentic, clear self. This is what I'm trying to figure out. I have told MrsCampbell that I'm still sorting things out and that I would like to think of this as just time apart.

As I mentioned above, even with my mom and brother giving me the encouragement that I asked them for, to help me quell the voice that was telling me that she's just not right for me regardless of how wonderful she is, I still continued to have doubts and voices in my head saying it isn't right. Even MrsCampbell getting along really well with my mom and asking her "How many grandchildren do you want?" did not quell my feeling that I just don't feel deep romantic love, passion, and adoration for her.

My point is that my mom plays a much smaller role in this than you think.

I don't really know what else to say. I agree with you. I proposed to her because of how wonderful she is. And yet if I had told anyone my truly honest thoughts and feelings at the time, they would have said I'm moving into it out of fear and for all the wrong reasons, that feelings are what they are, and that you can't force yourself to feel something you don't just because you recognize how easy it would be and how happy you would be IF you felt that way.

I have both a therapist and a colleague telling me that there were plenty of months where I felt no hesitations or doubts about being with her, and felt really stable and happy, and that is true, I think. If that's the case, they say, those could easily be the More authentic feelings, and the other stuff is the relationship OCD.

Anyways, I'll wrap up for now.
[doublepost=1467211371][/doublepost]Oh, I forgot to address the stepford wife thing. I have never watched stepford wives, I only know the term as a cultural reference. I never wanted a "stepford wife." I wanted someone that I would be deeply in love with and feel passionate about and connect with on a deep level. I told myself that I should marry MrsCampbell because She had those feelings for me, and that I'd have to just look past the fact that I didn't feel like I had those feelings for her, because no one else was ever going to feel that way about me.

She promised to be loyal and devoted to me no matter what, forever, and that the thought of doing Whatever makes me happy, makes her happy. I never wanted her to be unhappy or to feel like a servant. She told me that what makes me happy, whatever it may be, makes her happy, and that all she wants to do is make me happy. I understand now that these are not uncommon things to say when having fallen in love, and that there's still an expectation that the other person will feel the same way about you and that therefore there would actually be some balance in the relationship and it wouldn't literally consist of one person just saying what would make them happy and the other person doing it with genuine joy and happiness. But I took her words and promises literally and thought "Here is someone who is going to be HAPPY just doing whatever makes me happy." And I decided I couldn't pass that up, even if in many ways the match felt wrong to me on many key levels.

So obviously once that turned out not to be the case, the first time she seemed unhappy with me expecting her to be happy doing what makes me happy, I began to feel deceived. I'm not saying any of this is right! I should not have proposed to her if I did not have the desire to do whatever makes HER happy, obviously, but I was afraid that I'd never find someone else who would love me in that way, and felt confident that her apparent desire to always do what makes me happy would just hold everything together forever.

I'm NOT saying I want that kind of relationship dynamic ideally. I had serious doubts and misgivings about moving towards marriage with her. I should have examined those and been more honest with myself. But my point is that I thought she'd be legitimately happy doing what makes me happy, as she said, and if that were the case we would have both been happy. I never wanted her to be unhappy. Of course this is wrong, of course it doesn't make sense! But that's what happened. Anyone who would have had an honest conversation with me would have advised against proposing.

But as you said, I may have made the right decision after all, it may have been the clearheaded little spirit within me that pushed me as it did. I'm still trying to work it all out.